Rise Above

In the last month and a half I have made some difficult decisions as I had to be true to what my soul was expressing. I have spent a lifetime avoiding my desires while feeling guilt and shame for another.

Do I do this? Do I do that? What if I do this, will it affect this person? Oh…it’s just easier to do that which feels right. It’s time to be authentic to what I will or will not do. And it’s magical. It’s important to remember the stories of past events and return to the present with full awareness of the lessons.

Virginia Woolf said, “You cannot find peace by avoiding life.” Life needs to be acknowledged in its complete presence. It needs the wisdom of time, gratitude for each breath, and love for each connection. If you allow it, life will break you and then stitch those parts into a more remarkable being. When you let life guide without the fears of the unknown, through faith and trust, it will give you everything you have wanted and more…while being fully present with joy.

This is the adventure. This is the gift of living.

We are who we are because of the stories from the past. It’s in recognizing what we care to do with joy and what we won’t tolerate any longer that the magic begins to create through fairy dust particles of miracles. Things open up to align with your gifts and wishes.

Every road into memories and events allows us to figure out where we came from and how we got here. It becomes an unconscious clearing in mind, body and spirit.

Allow yourself to feel alive in those solitary moments when the reminder of living is magnified. Give your soul permission to visit and revisit the parts of you that need mending. Then may you return to the present with a full understanding of how awesome you are! Be embraced by Divinity!

Rise, darling! Rise to your soul’s yearning. Become all that you are meant to be but have forgotten for some time. You are the alchemist of your desires.

Be Brave

I’ve had several weeks of smallness. I’ve needed to make my life tiny in order to make big decisions and concentrate on some changes.

So…I meditate. I get out in nature. I travel far beyond the dimensions. I make sure to have no chaos or distractions from those around me. Because, ultimately, I need to care for me in order to care for others.

I’m super selfish with my me time. I will not comprise for anything unless it’s an emergency. I am blessed to have a husband who allows me this time with so much respect.

I’m no good if I can’t distance myself from the naysayers. I get to a point that I just can’t do anything but be…alone. I truly go on shutdown.

We move and make decisions based on experiences and our personal level of awareness. I cannot ask others to help me when they have not experienced the challenges. And believe me, everyone has an opinion the moment you make things public. Everyone starts to tell you how you need to live based on what they’ve experienced. People are moved through fear in most cases. And then it’s transposed on to our human spirit.

But your higher self leads the way. It is your internal GPS. It knows truth. It begins to guide you to continue trekking.

Every mountain you choose to climb begins with small steps. If you go too fast you start to feel the unhealthy pressure and lack of breath. You allow fear to take over in that momentum. The tinier the steps the more endurance you accumulate. It might take longer but to climb a high mountain you need to truly be mindful of your life substance…your breath. You have to continue the self pep talks. You must believe in yourself beyond anything else.

GO Climb your mountains. Regardless how others react. Go after your goals in spite of the naysayers. Take chances. Pick a path along the journey even when there are a million deviations. Keep climbing. Keep breathing. Keep focusing on what you want. In my life time I have heard a million opinions “you can’t do that!” And I have made it and looked back and realized that I believed in myself more than anyone has believed in me. I’ve done some impossible things that have no logical explanation. And I don’t require logic to create through mysticism. I have faith!

Your life is a blessing made up of so many magical moments. Don’t allow anyone to instill their shit on you. Ever! You begin to create the life you desire the moment you put on those hiking boots and start walking towards your purpose. The higher your purpose the more people will try to pull you down. It’s all a game and you get to decide how you participate.

You can do anything you want. I promise. But start with your inner awareness and full heart belief. Love yourself enough to turn the impossible into possible.

Struggles…

Many years ago…12 to be exact…I was experiencing a struggle with my eldest daughter. She arrived into my life at the age of 11-1/2 from Romania. And with her came a lot of secrets and demons. She suffered from multiple personalities and deep wounds. There was no way to reach her regardless of all the love and security I provided. At the age of 18, finishing high school, she plotted to hurt me and some other family members. The heartache those days was immense. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced up to that moment in my life.

My son’s friend’s mother came over to get him one day. I shared my struggle through tears and heartbreak. She took me aside (a woman who truly didn’t know me that well even though our boys were super close) and she shared a personal story about her eldest son. She told me, while holding me, that sometimes we had to let go in order to continue helping our other children. Up to that moment I didn’t know anyone who had undergone things that broke the mama heart that profoundly. Whether it was addiction, mental illness, or whatever…I had not known someone personally who was navigating through similar experiences.

I listened to her. She had been at this for years. I felt her own release in that conversation. I listened so much that, now 12 years later, I can still remember her words of wisdom. This woman just lost her son a few days ago. That said son who was struggling with his own demons. And as I write this I swear my heart breaks even deeper. A parent should never, ever, have to do what she’s had to do this week. I know he’s finally at peace. She does too but there is always the uncertainty of how much we did or didn’t do to fix and save our loved ones. The doubts creep up and we are consumed by the unknown of it all. It’s hard to decipher what is real and what is not. Guilt and shame are familiar emotions that push the grief up. It’s all part of healing and letting go.

I know without a shadow of a doubt, that when someone has these struggles the only thing you can do for them is hold space. The loss is inexplicable. It’s unreal and I cannot imagine how my friend is holding herself up this week. So I pray and send loving light to her and her family since she’s not near me (although I wish I was with her at the moment). I keep meditating and hold her heart in mine. No one knows what another endures…not what she had to do for her son, not what I’ve had to for my own children. We have little windows we show to the world, but behind closed doors and blinds the truth of it is quite different. I am blessed to have had her 12 years ago to help me navigate my own grief, shame and guilt because I was completely lost. I had to let my daughter go. I had to love her from afar and continue to do so daily because she refuses the love. In the end I had to put my energy into those in my house who were willing to receive the love and security. And it continues…

That’s all we are asked to do: love and serve those who receive it (who are willing to accept it). We can’t fix or help those who don’t want it. It’s like hitting yourself against a giant boulder while the ocean smashes against you over and over. It’s pure insanity.

I love you, my dear friend. You know who you are…you will always be the words of wisdom when I struggle through my own little demons of guilt for not doing more…. I am here!!!!!

Your Loss is Felt

We went to Yorktown in Charleston, South Carolina. My husband loves the Navy, having been a corpsman in his youth. He wanted us to see the ships there. I have a hard time entering places with stagnant energy. It was hard to be in the ships. Lots of memories stored in the small spaces. A lot of times I just went outside.

We were up on top. My husband went to see the planes. I sat on a bench. The heat was horrible this past weekend. A woman asked if she could share the bench with me. I scooted over and we sat there in silence.

“It’s so hot here!” She said. “I’m melting away.”

“Here it’s okay. It’s an oven in there. I don’t know how these souls do it while out at sea. I admire their dedication. After seeing this I have a whole new respect for them.” I shared this as she began to fan herself with her hand.

“My son was in the Military.”

Her head lowered and I felt the grief. I felt her loss immediately in between the gaps of breath. I felt that inexplicable break that arrives when your heart has been ripped apart. Nothing else was said.

I went closer to her. Held her hand and said I was sorry. I looked into her.

There on a deck we sat in quietude. It was short lived when out little girl ran over to me. I let go of her and she thanked me. She got up and met her husband to leave. But I didn’t let go of her heart until that evening when we finally arrived home.

We have stories within stories. Some we share. Others we vault up in compartments that allow us to survive. The scars are deep and sacred. They connect us through humility and other levels of faith.

My heart goes out to all you folks who have lost someone. I can promise you that they are always with you. A part of them is left inside the cellular walls of your heart. You are never alone in your struggle. There are threads of love stitching us all together.

I’m here. I see you. I feel you. Others do as well. I love you. ~m.a.p.

A Humanitarian Issue

humanitarian

I am appalled in a way that hits the deepest part of my spirit. I cringe and ache for awareness of some sorts. The state of our civilization is absolutely taking a giant turn in ways that will change us forever. This whole immigration subject is not about who supports the President or not. It’s not about anything but a humanitarian issue. I have spoken to so many people lately and regardless of my own beliefs this doesn’t feel right to me. I don’t want to say “I don’t think it’s right.” I know it isn’t. But I am moved by feelings…and this, folks, is unjust. This feels like we will pay some major karmic debt in the future.

This country has been built from immigrants. Those who arrived here before me and continue to enter with the prospect of the American dream. This country is great because of its diverse cultures, religions and different ethnicity.

I DO NOT care how you see this issue in regards to it being helpful for the USA or not. Let me explain the reality: today you might be sitting on a high spot doing well…tomorrow might just change all together. We will need help from others at some point. We are not acting like humans.

Yes, by all means let’s close all our borders! By all means let’s send everyone that is here from a foreign country back to their appropriate homes. Let’s extract our humanity out of a country that was founded “In God We Trust.” Where is God in all of this? Because a huge part of these issues isn’t so much political as it is fear based on differences.

A dear friend who is a history scholar wrote a profound post about his fears that touched me:

I am struggling because I don’t want to live in an echo chamber, where only my own views are repeated back to me. I value diversity of opinion. (I really do.) I want honest and civil discussion on issues that can have opposing viewpoints.

But what I cannot continue to accept is the blatant and joyful ignorance, the outright racism, hatred and belligerence being demonstrated by people that I know, not just as vague ‘others’ in the world, but people who I have interacted with, who have been in my life in one form or another.” And he is right…

My eldest son looks Muslim, although he is half Cuban and Puerto Rican, and constantly gets stopped at the airport. My Romanian kids look different ranging from all colors. My bi-racial child stands out when she is with two white parents. Do you know who looks at these differences? Those folks who are truly afraid of anything different than themselves. These are the folks that never had to fight for the freedom we have in this nation. Kindness and altruism arrive from opening the mind and the heart to everything that is a variation from belief and perspective. This political race was ran on anger and fear. It has opened up a lot in so many of us that seems radical at times.

I have been blocked and unfollowed for not following the political issues of this President. I have never degraded or disrespected him. He is the leader of this country and I will not dishonor anyone in that office. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt but in just one short week I am feeling something completely wrong that hits my soul. The fear he instilled throughout his campaign is still lingering in so many. I do believe that humanity is on the edge of some major shift. He is indeed the catalyst for change among other things. He will transform us. I pray I am so wrong with these feelings of strong intuitive awareness that hit me every single time I read something that he is planning on doing to turn this country around. I hope what I feel turns into something magical. I can’t help but really ache right now.

If all I have are words to express my disappointment in how things are entrusted in this government, then I will continue to voice my human right to stand for the Muslims, Jews, Gays, Transgenders, Blacks, Hispanics, Woman and all those others who have no voice. I will continue to be blocked and unfollowed by whoever disagrees with me. It’s okay! I am not bashing the President. I am dumbfounded by his decisions at this time. Our diversity is what makes us great but this is not right. We need to educate our children about our history, and probably refresh a few adults to remind them that all of this seems pretty similar to another few episodes in the past where millions lost their lives.

I am on this human race…with billions on this planet. I want compassion and love and kindness. I believe the President is going to need a lot of incredible power (and heavy-duty vibes) to do all that he intends to do. We are being divided in many ways. Folks, it isn’t looking pretty. It starts small. He might be a business man but he has little abilities in the humanitarian aspect of it all. I don’t follow all the political talk but when it comes to humanitarian rights…well, I am all up on that.

This country stands for freedom. How can we get back to that while remaining compassionate? How can we voice our fears in a way that doesn’t create rioting, fights, and mass mayhem. I want to return to something that perhaps isn’t going to ever be part of our world. And, darlings, I fear for what the future holds.

Purest form of love

joy

The magic of love is in its purest form. A smile across the room, a hug from a child, an ‘I love you’ from a friend, and a cuddle from a pet. The simplicity of a gesture, a look, and a touch is the Creator connecting with us through one another. It’s that authentic and natural. Keep a tally of daily gratitude: “The sun came out today. The cold is less severe. I have heat, shelter, and food.” Love comes through the light in everything around us. Close your eyes for a few minutes and take in the present. You are alive. This is temporary. Will this issue today matter in a year? We are forever evolving, growing and learning. You are always loved. I love a quote by Aristotle: “The secret to humor is surprise.” The single most wonderful feeling is allowing life to surprise you every day. Those are the miracles of the ‘aha moments.” Have a blessed day!

Choose To Live

Just because you aren’t dead doesn’t mean you are really living. Don’t just survive life expecting something to finally happen. Make something happen. Make magic. Make love. Make miracles. It’s an infinite privilege to be alive. Most people sit back and become spectators of their lives complaining over and over of what they can’t do or don’t have. 
Be your own cheerleader and participant of your path. Stand up and cheer in those happy moments. Dust off the sadness because it’s an opportunity to feel and learn from it. Get help if you can’t find the Light. We are made of duality. Forget what happens after you die. Make this journey awesome.  

Believe me…no one sits on their last breath and thinks of why they didn’t finish school, why they didn’t acquire enough money, or why they didn’t buy that over-sized house to impress another. No one sits and wonders about the mundane parts of materialism. The dying sit wondering why the heck they spent so much time worrying about senseless things and not more time loving, accepting love, and traveling the adventure of life with joy. They think about their souls not having more time with their loved ones. They think about how years have moved in a blink of an eye and all the things on a bucket list seem senseless at that moment. They regret not reaching out, not forgiving, not forgetting and not joining the tango of living with full capacity to evolve spirituality. 

Be alive! In the struggle of acceptance remember that you are here and that this too shall pass! Stop wasting this precious breath. 

Have a blessed day. Take this day and sparkle. Stop beating your soul up for mistakes and go dance in the light.

~Millie

Making Gracious Decisions

soup

A friend and co-worker yesterday came into my office in the morning, “Hey, girl, I brought us soup for lunch. My mother made a huge pot and I wanted you to have some with me later.” I was deeply grateful. Such loveliness and she’s just amazing.

Lunch time arrived and she heated a pot with the soup and called me when it was ready. I got my giant bowl, in full gratitude, as it smelled delicious. As I sat down with the first spoonful I saw the peas. Now, for those who don’t know this, I hate peas. It’s the only vegetable that I cannot even entertain. I am usually pretty graceful about taking them out but the soup was full of them. (Had it been split-pea soup I would’ve had no problem because they would have been blended). There, in my bowl was a pool of them surrounded by other veggies that I do like. I was so touched by her gesture that I took a giant spoon and swallowed those suckers along with a huge smile while patting my heart. The first bites were painful and I became aware of all the textures in my mouth. I tried not to gag on my own thought because it was truly a yummy soup. I was forever present in that experience. With each mouthful I gave gratitude and love to her and her mother for sharing their meal with me. I am forever astonished at how those peas stopped being an issue and I ate every bit of that bowl.

Here is the thing: we might not like what we are served at all times, but we have a choice in seeing the generous heart or lesson behind it. We can pick and choose what we want out of a situation. We can respect those around us who mean well in their beliefs and choices. We don’t have to like it, but we can choose to swallow it with love and light. Life is about making gracious decisions without hurting others intentionally. Life is a kaleidoscope of experiences, obstacles, challenges that join us to one another. Today is peas, tomorrow is something larger. My actions speak volumes through my reactions. And so do yours!

The Need to Find Home

growth

“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.  Love tells me I am everything.  And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj

I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed.  I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.

I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.

I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.

The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.

Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace.  I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.

I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.

Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.

I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.

Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.

We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.

As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!