I Don’t Have to Know You to Really Feel For You

believe-in-yourself

I don’t know you, personally. I don’t have to in order to feel your pain when you feel lost. I don’t have to know your story to understand that you feel broken and shattered. You feel alone and depleted. I recognize the fake smile, the “I’m fine” comment, and the gestures that arrive when you are hiding something because of guilt or shame. It’s universal. It is not just English. It’s Spanish, French, Arabic, Italian, and every other form of dialect in the world. The echoes in your soul are transparently opened to another who is feeling the same way. I know you. I might not be able to touch you, but I know when I see someone holding on to the edge of a rope next to the end of their life…begging to be saved. I know that look, that blank stare of frustration, that only someone who has been there recognizes. There is little hope, and I know that too. You aren’t the only soul to have a bad week, a horrible month, and a frustrating year. This is all crappy sometimes. It’s not an easy job to be in this human race.

I’m here to remind you that you are playing a game that’s created by your own programming. You are not a victim of your circumstances. You are the creator of those challenges in a subconscious level that requires some amazing awareness. Your sense of loss is very real but you get to decide if you stay holding on to the rope, let go into faith, and soar above everything else without certainty. It’s simply that easy. And, yes, faith can’t be seen, and at times, it can’t even feel real. It is a matter of trusting something other than yourself. It’s feeling the awesomeness of the universe holding you up…it’s waiting to catch you once you let go.

I don’t have to know what you feel. I don’t even need to be in your presence to understand that you require a shift in perception. You require a change of scenery. You need to abandon this moment of chaos and give yourself a break. Just do it!

Go for a walk. Go stand under a tree. Go talk to the clouds, to a friend, to your dog, or to anyone. Go chase a sunset and welcome a sunrise. You got to distance yourself from the drama of what seems to engulf this sadness. Cause, darling, there is always a way out without thinking of checking out. There is always a person who can adjust your sails and send you back on course. Reach out! You are not alone with this devastation of loss and hopelessness. I promise you that!!!

You are love. You are divinity dressed in this freaking magnificent human form. You can create anything you want…but first you must believe in YOU. Believe in every cell that consists of your physical body, every emotion that has created your spirit, and every aspect that has brought you right here, right now. Go be the most amazing form of you the world is yet to witness….! You’ve seen some spectacular things in your life (some not so great). We’ve all have…but keep going cause the best days are still ahead for you!

The Struggle To Do Nothing

magic of doing nothing

Standing or walking have become exquisite gifts taken for granted. A pulled tendon on top of my right foot has impeded me from doing all the normal daily activities I enjoy…like walking to the creek, going to the back of our gorgeous property, and just taking a step down the stairs to go to the car. The things we do on a daily basis can be taken away in one second and we don’t know how to adjust to the ever changing times.

It’s not easy to just sit. And, so when the doctor tells me that the healing is slow and I must rest the foot, I feel crippled. I have a two year old. That alone says a lot about mobility.

For over three weeks my body has been at a halt. It has endured questions on everything from weight, health and pain. I have had a lot of time to ponder from the sofa, while writing and working, to determine that I have a difficult time adjusting to being with me for too long without mobility. Cause, let’s be honest, while we are keeping busy we don’t have to entertain the internal demons that hide through a busy mind.

I have encountered generosity from amazing souls in my lifetime. It’s hard for me to receive. I enjoy giving and nurturing others. I love being able to be there when someone needs an ear, a hand, or just a friend in silence. I cherish moments when I can give from my soul and sit in the openness of another person’s vulnerability. But, it’s truly hellish to be in my own struggle of doing nothing and feeling the rawness of my own soul asking and begging for nourishment. It’s difficult to just be with me this long and not be able to entertain the ego with something else. It’s excruciating…imagine that! Life will provide the lessons needed to learn at the precise moment we avoid them the most.

Sometimes it requires a hard up accident, a near death experience, or simply a stupid pulled tendon for us to truly stop and listen. When we don’t listen to the whispers, they will begin to scream through what we avoid the most. Going on helping others is wonderful, but we must take care of ourselves first.

Yesterday, in the car with my husband, I broke down. I could barely say anything as I kept wiping the tears over and over, not daring them to touch the bottom of my face. I couldn’t quite explain the reason for them. I am sure, lately, he’s been witnessing a neurotic woman who is coming out of her skin. But, the tears have bottled up within a trying and challenging week full of issues with some of my grown children, and my inability to be able to do anything. I can’t do anything but be here. Even if my foot was perfectly fine, I can only send love and share in their struggles. However, pain intensifies all emotions. It clearly drains anything that’s been held up for a long time. Pain is a master at shifting our consciousness. It will force and bring forth whatever is being avoided.

Deep Sigh…

Vulnerability comes during moments of complete awareness when the soul is screaming for attention. And, when we aren’t courageous in the ability to let go and share, vulnerability will grab our perception in another way. We aren’t meant to lock up and dismiss our emotions. Vulnerability is the willingness to surf the ego and accept the nothingness and everythingness of our lives. It sucks at times, especially if you aren’t an emotional person. I, however, am an extremely emotional soul…to fault. I can cry at a drop of a hat about anything that doesn’t pertain to me. But, the moment I feel that pull in my heart about something that’s inside, I get completely erratic.

And, today, as I head out to Georgia to do a workshop on releasing the inner child, I realize wholeheartedly that the inner child has been releasing since the pain started. Isn’t that a kicker? I have visited parts of my own little girl in order to truly accept me in my most vulnerable state.  The struggle has been in allowing my busy mind to stop and do nothing.  It’s an art of sorts. Creating nothing takes work!

Sit long enough with yourself to love all aspects of you. I don’t say this lightly. I say it because I have been experiencing it in hyper mode. And, for those who think that your inner child doesn’t need tending, remember how you feel when your favorite TV comes on, or how you experience the simple things in your daily life. That’s a little girl or little boy, thanking you for nourishing them.

Ick, guck, muck and crap that ends with K

step forward

Every so often I am reminded that I need to sit down and just be with me. It’s not an easy task. I have a hard time sitting for more than an hour or two. Whenever I sit for long periods of time it is because I am mentally and physically exhausted. That’s it. I have no problem doing meditation and sitting still because it starts my day off in a sense of peace. This is a short period of time. But, force me to sit or lay down for a day or two and I want to come out of my skin.

Ah, the reminders of taking care of myself! My right foot has been swollen for days. It’s not broken. It’s something that happens to me every single time I am forced to stay still. I have avoided the keeping still until two days ago when I came home from work and the pain was shooting up my leg. I was forced to keep my leg up all day yesterday and part of today. The swelling has reduced significantly. What has appeared in its place is awareness of things I cannot continue to avoid. What has transcended is pure realizations of truth.

I was chatting with a dear friend and told her that this shows up periodically. She said it’s “ick.” I told her her it was ick, guck and muck and shit with k at the end. This whole processing and conscious awareness is not fun. I cannot take another step with pain. I cannot avoid it. Isn’t that how health issues appear? Aren’t they metaphysically created so we can deal with emotional blockages and spiritual awareness? I am not exempt from any of it. I have little patience when it comes to being ill, or having pain. I have a huge pain threshold so it has to be something that truly impedes me from moving…hence the foot.

Yesterday I spent the entire day between meditation, praying, and watching Orange Is The New Black (cause that of course is a highly spiritual show). But, hell it puts my life in perspective. It makes me feel grateful for being free and not having to be locked up with insane characters. And sometime in the afternoon this beautiful friend called me and she asked me how I was feeling and I broke down. The moment I released the bullshit about something that had nothing to do with the foot, the show, or my wonderful life, I felt the pain shoot up to my heart. There it was pure ickiness, muckiness, and guckiness. There it was all out ready to be purged from my spiritual body into the physical realm.

I hung up, returning to the show because nothing takes away self-reflection better than mindless television. It’s magical in that way. You want to avoid life? Turn on the tube and binge watch one of these silly shows. It does the trick.

This morning I woke depleted even after many hours of peaceful sleep. After my husband took our little girl to the sitters I turned over and fell back asleep. This, alone, is a sign of exhaustion. I don’t go back to sleep once I am up. But, today, just for a few hours my life was on hold. I became Sleeping Beauty. I needed to just be. I needed the shit around my head to disappear so I could get up later and write for the week. I needed to clear the crap and remember that one bad day doesn’t make a bad month. One crappy sprained foot doesn’t stop me from moving forward in a week. Nothing has changed. The pain is a reminder that I am to just be with me. I am to connect to me. I am to trust in me. The act of being still has been a teacher these past few days. I’ve moved from the ick, muck and guck into not feeling stuck. Those words with “K” at the end aren’t fun. I am not sick. I am healing from cosmic energy moving through. Awareness has been keen and present. I get it. And, now as I write this I am profoundly feeling better. I am wiggling my toes awaiting the moment I can go play in the creek again without feeling the sting of immobility.

Sometimes we need reminders of what needs to be done in order to move past the crap. When we avoid our emotions, our spiritual guidance, and physical ailments we do a great injustice to our spirit. It’s always okay. My friend said, “It’s okay to be with the ick.” It is okay to acknowledge the rough parts as well as the joyful ones. The lesson is mainly about not avoiding what’s already been trying to get the attention. For weeks I have been avoiding the voice of spiritual connection to something I have been dreaming for a while. I hesitate in each step. I have done everything possible to shut that part of me so I could concentrate on what’s ahead. The realization is that I move through spirit and I can’t avoid taking a step without guidance. What better way for the Universe to stop me than to help me see that I need to stop worrying about each step.

My favorite quote is by Martin Luther King, Jr., “Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” It’s my favorite because I live it in the majority of this life. But, even with this knowing, I need reminders every so often.

Tomorrow is gonna be magical. I will be ready to step into the unknown without questioning what comes after. I am returning to Source as I am often reminded that it’s my power. I am a spiritual being vacating the human embodiment. And, here is clearly the most amazing journey that has been rigged in my favor. I am moving forward!

Why Not?

why not

I am fearless at times. I am fearful at others. But, the things that are fearful are based on emotions, prejudices, and endless questions. I follow a dream and I don’t give up until I have truly hit several walls. I am tenacious that way…almost exhausting in pursuit of what I want when I want it. I don’t see the “cannot’s” because I am too busy trying to find the answers of “why not.” The fears don’t arrive then. The fears are born from the reactions of others who can’t see my dream. They can’t taste it like I taste it. They can’t sense the sweetness of it. They cannot even believe that it’s attainable. I fear the nonsense of those judgments. I fear the way I have stopped myself in the past because of the voices saying, “Give it up. That’s impossible. You just can’t do that! You are too old. You are this and that!” I am fearless but in the lack of “no’s” there is still a small child waiting on acknowledgment from the older version of myself. I have been known to conquer some incredible things, falling hard, breaking things inside and out, and then dusting off the dirt, pulling out the scabs, and trying it again. All because I know what I know and it’s my perception. It’s sickening to witness my own stubbornness and relentlessness. If I believe in something, I will give it my all. I am fearless at times…in that way of achieving what my soul knows to be real. It’s not for anyone else to live it. It’s for me!

You have dreams. You have a million cannot’s that are birthed in those desires. You have folks confirming that you cannot do those things. I am here to tell you that you can. You can do anything because all it takes is one “why not” to conquer all the bullshit of the naysayers. You can be anything you want because somewhere in that little head of yours there lives a wish fueled by passion. That passion comes from your spirit. You were not put on this existence to pass the time, pay bills, struggle and die. Absolutely NOT! You were created to come into this world to make a difference…if only for the evolution of your soul. Find your fearlessness. Find your truth. You got this and I know you have a dream waiting to be ignited!!!! It only takes a curious “why not” to get it going.

Your Playground

playground

A dear friend of mine of many years called me up a few days ago. We chatted for an hour catching up on so many changes in our lives. My ex and I were closed to her and her husband. We were inseparable for many years. We endured incredible pain and losses. She lost her husband a few years ago. I moved to North Carolina. Life happens! Things change and growth takes over in a way that we don’t recognize the people we once were until we reconnect with those souls that remind us of who we have become. We lose track of the drama, challenges, and day-to-day mundane living. So to catch up and hear her struggles reminds me of how far we’ve both have traveled. It allows me to see the mirror of strength, tenacity and faith. It’s never easy to pick up, move on, and leave toxic relationships. It’s never easy to face the disasters that we have been blinded to see until that moment when we can see clearly. It’s even harder to release the guilt and shame of anything in the past. But, we must.

In the midst of this conversation she said, “I have become very picky at who I allow to come play in my playground.” I was in a store when she said this. In between picking up incense and a bottle of water I stopped and just had a huge aha moment. I understood this. I just never heard it with such simplicity. I got it clearly and in a few seconds my mind traced back the many folks I allowed to play when they didn’t deserve the privilege to share with me in my joyous space.

You want to learn who your friends are? Go through some major life event and see who has the guts to stand by you. You want to witness how people behave? Watch how they react to illness, loss, and financial changes in your life. We have been programmed to step back and just disappear. But, in truth, a true friend will not judge you, shame you, or blame you for anything that’s happening in their lives because life has no stop signs, only yellow warning lights. You can’t just sit forever and let it pass by. You have to keep moving.

I decided at that moment, hearing these words, that it’s important to be aware of the folks you let into your playground. It’s imperative that you choose wisely who will share in your joy, laughter, sorrows, secrets, and journey. It’s important to remember that not everyone is carefree without an agenda. Some people have ulterior motives that eventually hurt and you never see it coming until it’s too late.

I sent her some pictures of my adventure with my daughter yesterday and she sent back, “I belong in your playground.” I belong in hers and many others. That’s the beauty of playgrounds, they are free to enter as long as you remember that the sandbox is not for dumping your crap and leaving it to stink up the place.

You do not have to entertain everyone who enters your life with the same openness. You are, however, responsible for kindness, love and empathy. But, you do not need to allow every single person into your space with the same intensity that you would share with those who have your back. Intimacy is earned. Now, go create a playground that makes you sing with joy and live in the moment. I look forward to visiting some of those spaces!

Face Your Performance

mirror

“Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.”-James Baldwin

Most recently, I have had to face a reoccurring actor in my play. I believe each of our lives is a stage play. I am the play writer, the protagonist, the director and the story. Those who come in and out are actors playing a specific role in my drama. Because I am now in a place of joy, I only write comedies. So, when a specific role enters my play for audition which hasbeen cancelled for a while, I am taken aback. It’s humorous to watch the same role of manipulator-punisher-narcissist man, played by a different actor, try to bully his way into my play. And no matter how I explain to this actor that the role has been canned he will take it upon himself to continue to antagonist me. We all know actors, they are very persistent!
It isn’t until we face that role, the archetype, that we can make peace with it. Nothing can continue less we shut down production and rewrite the script to suit our new lives. Each stage is different, with a multitude of entrances and exits. Each character brings something to the play. But until we are prepared to cancel the roles that hurt us, they will continue to enter the playhouse for auditions.
I am blessed to step back (sometimes after a long and challenging period), center myself, and ask Spirit to take care of this particular situation. Once I sit with the story, the performance, and the scenario I can re-adjust my play. May you realize the roles that you draw into your drama and accept them for the diversity and the many lessons. Look at your role in this life and everything you seem to be attracting. Own your performance, your drama, your accountability and your responsibility in every aspect of what happens to you. FACE YOUR TRUTH with compassion and love! DO NOT blame another for what you have clearly and willingly participated in creating. Just step back and stop the madness of production. You got this!

Paying an Invisible Debt

debtnotowed

My darling fiancé, Matt, likes to quote Mark Twain, “Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.”  I am reminded that worrying solves nothing.  It’s like filling an imaginary bucket with fears.  The false impression of controlling an event is what gets us stirred up in the first place.  Everything does happen in divine order.  When he says this quote I am able to move from a small doubt to the knowing that I have no dept to pay.

Each person moves at a different spectrum especially when we are being tested with huge obstacles, events, and challenges.  Life does not happen to us.  Life happens through us. When we let go of those stressful strains that fill our spaces, trying to fill the empty bucket with anxiety, we let go of the struggles. Ah!  There is a battle always going on inside of us: ego vs. spirit.  We are such complex beings, because we are created in the image of divinity, but we fight against it. The ego loves to create the lie of separation.

It is said that time heals all wounds. This is only if and when we are ready to release what has hurt us.  I’ve known people whose wounds are older than me and are still living in the memory of the event and trauma.  Surrendering, letting go, releasing…these are all beautiful words of wisdom.  They sound simple.  It’s like telling a person who lives on adrenaline to stop and relax.  How?  How can one start to let go? How do we release the illusion of fear? Not everything that needs to be learned is pretty.  Some things are monstrous, shameful and horrendous in nature, but it is those things that require release the most.  Piggy backing secrets is a sure way of stomping growth and the flow of life. And because we are creatures of habit and patterns the fears of past events overcast the future. The distress of unknown factors create a mountain out of flat land.

I said to Matt this morning that life is an adventure.  He answered, “Not always, babe.”  I then said that not all adventures were fun, exciting, and wonderful.  Some adventures are pretty darn nasty.  I am learning everyday to throw caution to the wind or at least giving it a try.  As a friend recently said, “We can achieve anything as long as we get out of our own way.”  I am constantly reminded that what keeps me from achieving anything is me.  What allows me to grow is me. What allows me to release is me.  What releases the drama is me.  And, at times what creates the same drama is me. I am getting better at releasing and surrendering.  I don’t recognize the woman I was just a year ago, or even five months ago.  I am peeling the onion layers at a time, but instead of getting smellier as I get to the core, I am getting sweeter.  It isn’t easier to face those things that have no answers at this moment.  It can be scary.  It can be daunting.  But, I do realize the need to abandon all control to God.  His master plan is flawless, even when I don’t like it.  Life is orchestrated to be lived through layers of complexity and simplicity; dark and light, yes and no.  The duality of everything makes us, breaks us, and re-creates us.

What are you willing to surrender in order to start living an authentic life?  We all have to be honest and determine what’s important.  If your past is killing you then stop looking at the rear view mirror, you don’t live there anymore.  Sharing and letting go frees the skeletons in the closet and allows you to finally bury them in the ground.  You are only responsible for your life and your choices! Stop trying to pay debts that aren’t due or owed or even in the near future.  If you must, live one-second-at-a-time because during some circumstances living one-day-at-a-time seems like too much. And that’s all we can do to surf the wave of uncertainty.

Life Happening Here

holding hands

Be soft with your spirit. Be gentle with your essence. BE authentic to your purpose and calling. Rid yourself from the negative self-talk. You become everything you say that you are or that you are not. We are born every day, every minute, every second. We are here on borrowed time. Make it lovingly serene with your heart so that you can present your soul lovingly to another. This struggle is all bullshit at the end of the day. It doesn’t matter what you did or haven’t done. This moment, wasted reading this, or contemplating what hasn’t been scratched off your To Do List, is all irrelevant. Really…this is nonsense. Me writing this is nonsense as well.

Yesterday I sat in a waiting room for just a little while holding a friend in space as her dad was having major surgery.  I wouldn’t have been any other place but right there with her in those moments.  This woman is a strong soul. Even strong souls need someone to lean on when moving through hard times.  The doctor did not provide hopeful news.  I drove home feeling an ache that surprised me.  Tears came up and out as I hit the interstate. My heart was opened so widely for her and her father that I had to pull to the side median to release the uncontrollable sorrow. I had spoken to him a few days before surgery and I knew he didn’t want to go through it.  His gut was speaking. Our time here is so fragile.  It’s daunting that these moments become everything as the superficial crap starts to fall away in the distance.   As I composed myself to keep driving I said a prayer and surrendered to the unknown.  This was not about me…but with compassion it was moving through me. I love these two souls dearly.

There are folks losing their jobs, their homes, and families.  There are others sitting alone in a hospital room watching a loved one fight for their lives. While some others are in the petty claws of political and religious arguments on social media….life is happening out there.  Life is happening in here.  Life is a series of ongoing movements and motions reminding us that we get to pick the perception and reaction. I don’t know why bad things happen.  I don’t know why anything happens.  I would like to believe it’s for the evolution of our higher self. I would like to believe it’s part of a larger design.  Who truly knows at this point?  I have to be led by faith and that onset programming of a higher body of spirit guiding me.

What I do know is that we need one another. We need a tribe. We need love.  We need to know that we aren’t alone in the path of obstacles and challenges. We need to get out of our own head space and truly feel the vibration of another who is part of the overall conscious mass.

Hold a friend’s hand in need. Hug your lover as if it was the last time. Kiss those kids tightly. Smile at a stranger. Open doors for an elderly person. Compliment a cashier. Delete the toxic folks out of your life. If they don’t raise you then they have taught you something. It’s time to move on. Use your energy wisely. My God, just get out of your head and lovingly give to another who needs to feel that the illusion of loneliness is not drowning their existence. It matters. It all matters to that one human who is struggling with life. Stop the craziness of self doubt and anxiety because there is no way you leave this life alive. So…live for yourself with honor, love, and compassion. You don’t own this blue planet alone. I am here. You are here. Let’s be here together in peace and harmony. We got this!

A Mother’s Presence

morning hike

My mother has been very present in my thoughts since yesterday. My youngest daughter and I went to the movies during the day. At some point she said something about her grandmother. Soon after synchronicity visited and a trail of memories came to stay a while. My mother was in the car next to us at a light, up the mountain looking at the cows, picking flowers on a farm, at the gas station, and in the car with us singing. My mother was there. I smelled her, felt her, and sensed her soul like I haven’t in a long time. There were moments yesterday that took my breath away with her touch.

I was the baby of the family. My sisters are 15 years and 24 years my senior. But, I wasn’t the baby. I was the one who took the risks, the incredible challenges without thinking and proceeded to paint way outside of the lines. I was an easy child and a difficult one simultaneously. I was submissive and passive aggressive. I was, to all accounts, impossible to figure out from one minute to another although I seemed predictable until I wasn’t. My mother did everything to control and break me down into “normal” causing anxiety and fears beyond what any teenager should experience. But, she was an amazing woman of courage and strength and having a child alone at 44 was definitely not an easy task in a Latin country in the late 60’s. There was no “free love” movement over there. There were social statuses and rules and many issues that could have pushed her over the edge. I don’t know how she did it. She did. I am here. And yesterday she was with me.

As I am transitioning into a new journey I am reminded that loved ones guide us constantly…even when they aren’t physically here. I know this…I see it iperiwinklen others all the time. It’s rare that I see the visitors for myself. I would love to get the beautiful messages loved ones give to them through me. I get them in dreams. Yesterday my mother’s presence allowed me to reach over the realm and thank her. I spoke with her last night before sleep. I asked her to show me the path in the most gentle way. It’s been a rough month.  It’s been an emotional one full of tugging and pulling and pushing trying to find purpose.  It’s just been challenging.  But, this morning on a hike my mother guided me with love. I saw her favorite flower that I have not seen in these mountains. I smiled, tears forming in my spirit, and briefly thanked her.  I watched the blanket of clouds engulfing the land and I knew she was there witnessing it all.

We all have these moments and the ability to speak with our departed ones. I have no magic trick. I have no special gift. What I do have is the acceptance, awareness, and mindfulness that we are never alone. We are always being guided by Spirit, God, Angels, and Teachers from beyond. I have the willingness to sit in silence and feel the presence of Universal Love extend through the veil of reality. If you are honest with your intuition you know you’ve felt it through a gentle touch when no one was there, or smelled a favorite flower or food, or even heard a whisper. It’s comforting to know we are never far from the comfort of our loved ones. It’s the best feeling of compassion and love there is.

Thanks, Mami, for your gift yesterday and today! It’s been a long time….glad you found me in the mountains. Te adoro muchisimo!