On the way home from a conference in Tennessee my cousin and his wife stopped in these mountains for lunch today. We were talking and sharing about all they learned in this conference, how the past is tied to our present, and how we would fix the world one person at a time. In our sharing, I was expressing how much life has transcended for me in the past year. It has been a wake up call in every level: physically, spiritually and emotionally. Something shifted and I have no words to describe it even when I search to express it. The Mysterious has transformed me and I barely recognize me at times. I have had things push me to the edge, suffered from a deep depression back in February that lasted several months before I was forced to really decide whether to be put on anti-depressants or continue the daily struggles through the unbelievable emotional fractures. I chose the pills right before summer. And, as I became numbed from all that was still there I realized I couldn’t function. I needed the full capacity of my thoughts.
I am a writer. I am a creator and, for me, I just couldn’t continue taking the medicine. After three months I went off them cold-turkey (something I have done for the third time in my life) and I don’t recommend to anyone. After a week of not taking them I hit a wall: the cold sweats, the withdrawals, the desperation clawing at me one night, and then the peace of slowly returning to myself after several weeks. The pills gave me a tremendous relief, but I cannot live in a state of eternal limbo that does not allow for me to be “on” in my spirituality. This is my experience and I think therapy along with medicine is an incredible tool to help folks get to the root of what causes breakdowns, anxiety and any other mental issues and challenges. The break did allow me to reach several roots, pull from the depth of anger, resentment, guilt and shame that had been lurking for some time, and let go. The transformation was slow and severe but it allowed for me to learn to finally be authentic. For most of my life I’ve known what I wanted. I have a goal and I follow it. It’s that simple. Somewhere along the way I’ve derailed from knowing what I needed. Somewhere along the way I got off the path and entered into the forest of the unknown without a lantern, compass or survival pack.
I recounted and recollected whatever was pushing through. Now sitting with my cousins eating lunch they shared their few days in the conference. I did not share all these thoughts but focused on my writing and how I wanted to truly help those who did not have a voice. The words trailed out of me quickly and then I stopped returning to the moment of what if’s. I went from the self-confidence of my future dreams into the old programming of the past.
Tad asked me, “How big is the windshield of your car? Show me?” I stretched out my arms as far as I could and said, “Probably a little larger than this.”
He asked, “Okay, now how big is your rear view mirror?” I made the small gesture with my hands as I was in complete confusion to the questions.
He continued, “The glass is wider looking at the future because that’s where we are headed. The past is smaller…in the distance….” He continued and I had one of those delicious AHA Moments that arrives from such splendid magic. I have not lost anything. I have moved forward leaving the marvelous lessons in the past. Everything has brought me here. It’s been splendid. It’s been mystical. It’s definitely been unpredictable because I don’t do predictable. I do stupendous serendipitous moments and my cousins reminded me how I have always been like this….
Life is full of duality…the yin and yang. There are days, some this past week, where as happy as I am to have married the man who is unlike any other in my life, I feel the winds of the unknown grabbing and squeezing me in regards to my future. And this has nothing to do with relationships. I have been stricken by paralyzing emotions questioning my purpose or lack of it in this present life. I am ready to move on. I am ready to write from my soul full time and be able to travel on the weekends with those I love. And, yet, in the midst of it all the sorrow of letting a dream go of old aspirations also grips me. It’s not easy.
I woke two days ago in a puddle of tears…they came from the dream state and continued on for hours. I gathered myself, my thoughts, my body and went to sit on the dock feeding the fish and you know what? All that freaking water made it worst…I kept on crying adding to the pond. Once I allowed for it…letting go…releasing to the universe, I was better. It was there at the precise moment that the sun was pushing through the clouds that I felt God strongly bringing me divine light.
I don’t believe things just happen to us. I don’t believe in coincidences. Struggles mean something. They are the stories inside from the past but it is still a small mirror of reflection. Tiny in comparison to what’s ahead. I get to pick what I want to see and what I want to let go. I get to decide what I learn from and not repeat or what I will allow to determine my journey. I do not want to piggy back the crap from back there. So, I look forward remembering that each breath takes me to an unknown place of faith, grace and love. Change is good. Change is priceless. And…because I am on the edge of it it is also daunting at times. All these blessings are delicious. I am deeply loved and supported. I am ready to continue driving while staring straight out of that large windshield into the future. Every so often when it gets dingy and dirty I will clean that sucker and make it clear to look ahead. I am moving forward giddy for every new scenery that appears in the distance.