I love you,
I love you,
Last month I celebrated the 52nd anniversary of my existence in this life. I feel the heaviness at times of half a millennium. And other times I marvel at the joy of not giving a crap with this age.
I was such a strict-over-the-top-controlling person. I was always stricken by anxiety. Everything had to be just so. I was not a perfectionist which seems ironic. It was the need to make sure that things were in order: the house, business, kids, family, friends… basically I took little time for my needs. And several times I almost died as if my spiritual guides were yelling, “Yo, WTH will it take for you to just slow down and enjoy yourself without worrying about others? Breathe, woman, breathe!”
At this age, especially during this time in history, I have stopped a lot of that old programming. The only time it shows up is if I am struggling with something and the house gets a deep cleaning, decluttering, and my husband takes notice to stop me and ask what is triggering it. To which I become aware of the old behavior. I take the time to honor the emotions rising instead of busying myself in avoidance.
It’s a privilege to be here. This age. This time. With these sweet people in my life. I don’t take it lightly. But I also keep gaining a wicked sense of humor that helps me with the deep indents of laugh lines on my face.
My hair is grey. My body is fuller and softer. I hurt myself with ridiculous stupid movements at times. I have hair coming out in places that shouldn’t have and hair has stopped growing in normal places too. I don’t often recognize the reflection in the mirror but I laugh at who is there. I don’t get as annoyed or angry as I used to in my youth. I am forgetful and this is great for those who share personal stuff with me. I truly don’t hold grudges. I am experiencing a delightfulness of finding inappropriateness and humor to simple comments. I don’t see things the same way I did when my attitude was so rigid.
Sometimes I wear all the colors together. Other times I am mindful that tutus and boots don’t always work well with certain places out there. I told my husband recently that I will be one of those eccentric old ladies. To which he answered, “You ARE already an eccentric old lady!” I cannot imagine what else will evolve in the next twenty or thirty years. I am a better mother because I am able to feel childish at times.
One thing I know for sure is that we are all on borrowed time. Tomorrow isn’t promised. I only get this moment. So why not make the most of it. Anything else is a bonus.
Let’s stop obsessing about things we can’t control or change. Let’s recognize how blessed we are that today we are here. Let go of the past regrets and resentments and live life in the now. When I worked with dementia patients I learned that what is important is living fully. Anything is carrying a ball and chain of emotional baggage that does nothing for your soul.
Instead of making your life a giant question mark make it a huge exclamation mark of yumminess. Life is one Tada moment after another.
Loving you fully right now. Right here. That’s all we truly have. Be you. Be the best you and stop worrying about how others see you. It’s all too heavy. Please put it down, sweetheart. Your soul will be at peace.
Do an honorable gesture for your soul this morning. When you go brush your teeth stand and look into your eyes. Forget your hair, your face, the clothes and any other distraction of falsehood. You are your soul, not the external elements of the body. Look deep. Smile. Thank her/him for borrowing this incredible and magnificent body. Look deeper and see how it doesn’t even look like the YOU that you are accustomed to witnessing every day. It is there in that gratitude that your truth and purpose reside. The rest is a bonus. Do this every day. I promise that you will stop worrying about the physicality of you. The age spots disappear, the over run eyebrow hairs vanish, the lines become invisible because all that matters in that moment is that you see the Divine staring back at you! You are exquisite so go meet your true self. Have a blessed day. I love you mucho.
I found a box of pictures last night of when I was in my twenties and thirties. I was shocked to see how lovely I was. I never had the body of a twelve year old. I was always curvy and full. I was always dieting, worrying about my looks, and never enjoying just being me. I look back and I was definitely pretty. I didn’t know it at the time. It wasn’t until recently that I actually met this woman that is now fully present in my body. That’s the thing with each passing year…while you are in your skin without acknowledging your worth and truth you just don’t accept your loveliness, beauty, and radiance. I was all of those things and didn’t even know. I wasn’t me. I was pretending to fit into a life of a society that expected perfection. And because of that I always picked partners who would instill the lack of worth in me. It was a wonderful dramatic play. I needed to show I was a good mother, a wonderful business woman, a magnificent housekeeper, and a decent lover. Everything had to be just so or what would the world think of me? Nope, I wasn’t really being me.
This morning I glanced over at the middle age woman on the mirror brushing her teeth. She’s no longer embraced by that lovely youth, or the concerns of opinions. The purple and blue highlights in my hair along with the fairy tinsel strands were magnified with the bathroom lighting. The dark circles under my eyes and wrinkles diminished as I looked deeper into my soul. I smiled. “Ok, this is me. This is the hippie lady in the mountains. This is the me that was in there all along. I love you, lady.”
When was the last you actually looked at yourself and acknowledged your beauty: the inner and outer radiance of your soul? We can live in the past mourning the loss of what we had when we didn’t even know we had it because just like now, we don’t live in the present. We live in the past and the future. This moment now….this minute stand back and tell yourself how beautiful you are. See and feel your worth. Stop the negative self hatred. Love who you are right now. It’s so important. You will never be this young again. You will never exist in this exact breath. Take advantage of it. Be gentle, be loving, and feel the magnificent spirit that is occupying the body. You are amazing. Be you today. Forget who to be when the world demanded that you be one way or this way or any way. Be the you that is here now! Have a blessed day, darlings. I love you all.
Every morning I have a sacred ritual. I get up around 3 or 4AM, go into the living room, light some candles, and say my prayers. I sit quietly, conscious of breath and the sounds in the room. I feel presence…there is always sweet presence. Some days I sage or light an incense, others I just allow the higher guides to take care of any energy that doesn’t belong in my space. It’s rare that I feel any kind of negativity. I call on my higher self, God, and proceed to enter the space of love. My heart is always the most opened during these times. It doesn’t take long for me to leave this realm. I don’t look at the clock. I allow Spirit and Source to guide me. I might have a long meditation, or short prayers. I make time to ask and be blessed. I might even just sit in the darkness and watch the light outside welcome me home again. Then again there are mornings, when its warm, that I grab a chair by the pond and allow the light of the world to engulf me with its grace.
Rituals and ceremonies are needed as reminders of sacredness, faith, and awareness. You can do this anywhere you want: a bathroom, dining room table, set up an altar in your garage or basement, have space in your garden, make a small labyrinth in your yard, etc. What we do need are moments of conscious awareness, acceptance, letting go, and shifting to Divinity. I am a morning person but if I was a night owl I would be doing the same before heading to bed. The best prayer there is to enter the world every morning is being in full gratitude: you have been given another day in this journey. And, when you get used to a ritual it is hard to be without it. I feel “off” in days that I don’t get my morning time. I need my cup of tea or coffee after my rituals and return to the humanness of the space I get to call my own.
Allow space for guidance and divinity. Carve sometime for you and your higher self to speak…even if it’s in traffic. There is no right or wrong way to connect with the universe. Use your voice. Use your power. Open your heart wide. We need time to connect with our nature, our yearnings, with the little voice inside that pushes and pulls for truth. You are authentic. You are divine. You are light. You are love. You are pure wisdom and you have all the answers you will ever need. It’s important to remind yourself of this every single day. Have a blessed day~!
“The Way to do is to be.” ~ Lao Tzu
Ah…this morning I am a composition of unfinished thoughts searching for the next sentence to find a safe completion. I am grateful for beautiful and lovely company the last few days. I was able to visit with my youngest son who left home almost two years ago to “find himself.” In the process of searching he has realized that the pursuit was in him all along…usually with the return to his roots. He will continue to hit walls and pick mazes that cause him delays in his exploration. I reminded him that the reason the grass is greener on the other side is because it is over a septic field. Not everything that shines is gold. He has to figure things out on his own and will continue to do so. At almost 20 it is difficult to take guidance from many.
I am in complete gratitude for memories…and the reminding of so many things that have changed in my life. I am forever filled with a sense of finality and closure from past drama. These last few days have left me with the conscious awareness that Matt stands by me through things I never imagined someone would stick around for in my past. This union, tightly knotted in stretchable material, clothes us both with certainty in not wanting to bail out when things get a little tough. I have to continue to remind myself that some things matter and others really don’t in the large scope of life. Nothing is perfect. My imperfections are not as magnified as they seemed in my younger years. It’s all about the choices and picking my battles wisely. This comes with time and wisdom of maturity.
I have made a shift in awareness and given a promise to my higher self after these past chaotic months. As I wake each morning I want my spirit to whisper, “Welcome back! You get another chance to love, grow, and touch another…and vice versa.” I want to hear these words not only when I am in a wonderful happy place. I want them to reach the truth of me and speak louder when the mornings might not be that great (God knows we all have them). I want to be reminded of my blessings through the sun’s ray, the morning dew, the gentleness of my lover’s breath on my neck as he sleeps, the giggles of an eleven month, and all the strokes of greatness painted in my life moment to moment. I want to remember that it’s just another chance to celebrate this journey I’ve called Life. Every day is my birthday. Every day I am made anew with discoveries, magic, and mystical events. Growth and awareness do not ascend or descend. They are straight lines that move through our timeline from birth till our last breath. It’s up to me to grab on to that and be grateful for the opportunities ahead.
The unfinished thoughts become strokes of genius at the end of mindfulness. Letting things go is a chess game of consciousness where one move leads into another. And, it is there…on that game board that we get to enjoy the element of surprise, miracles, and divination. Have a grateful day…count each blessing with all of your heart! Let the spirit of gratitude guide you through this season!