Prayer

prayer

I pray, not for an answer,

but to have my thoughts,

my voice, my soul,

heard

throughout this Divine space.

I pray, not for worship,

but for the confirmation

of what my spirit

already knows.

I pray, not to negotiate,

but to release anticipation

of what I’ve attracted

into manifestation.

I pray, not because I doubt,

but because it is a certainty

that I am part of Divinity.

I pray, not for miracles,

but with the understanding

that I hold the wonders

of everything I ask…

the universal truth

for being a child of Spirit.

Live in the moment

meditation

I woke this morning with a sense of calmness. I slept over 12 hours last night. It’s been a long, long, long time that I have slept this hard and long.

For years I have been waking between 4:00 and 5:00 AM to do my meditations. Lately I have been beyond exhausted. I wake to move into the space of sacredness but find myself dreading the motions. This type of exhaustion is debilitating to me. I am the type of person that once I am up, I am up and running. I don’t know where the tiredness is coming from. Could it be almost 5 decades of inhabiting this existence through some incredibly magnificent lessons? Or, a toddler who is reminding me why people shouldn’t have kids in their forties? Or, is it just hormonal? Or, is it the constant negativity that surrounds the world, forcing me again to detach from social media and mainstream information? There are many questions that rise and fall at times. It really doesn’t matter why I am tired. What matters is that I continue to get up even when it feels uncomfortable, because my daily practice is the only thing that I find stabilizes chit chat and puts the ego in time out. 

I have let go of so much in the past few years. My spiritual practice is not something I can live without, especially the early morning prayers and meditation. I can’t entertain the thought of not feeling embraced by Divinity every morning. But, how does one enter the world, day in and day out, feeling completely rested? I have forgotten what that feels like…until this morning. I want this everyday.

I recognize that I am harder on myself than any other living person. I am relentless in making sure I get my things done. I am somewhat unforgiving at times with how fast I want things to transpire. Patience is non existent in my gene pool. It’s horrible. I recognize this and I also know it is often followed by a brutal state of stubbornness. I am working on clearing them both. I am truly being conscious these days of how I interact with my impatience. Every time I light a candle I state my intention with Patience and Love. You would think after a life time I would have it down pat…nope! It is an ongoing process.

I can delete many things from my day. I am sure of it. I have taken a break from Facebook. I have stopped checking my emails every hour. I have detached from drama and anyone who likes to create it. I haven’t read a book in a long time (cause I can’t seem to concentrate long enough). I have made it a point to slow down even at the anger of others who want me to react quicker. I have to do what’s best for me. But, in this interpersonal retreat I’ve noticed that things aren’t going slower for me. They seem to be accelerating and I can’t catch my breath at times. I have to constantly return to mindfulness in my day and ask myself, “Is this worth me getting anxious over? Am I happy right now?”

It truly is about breaking old habits, programming, and expectations.

The answers disappoint me. I keep hearing the no’s a lot. AND, it’s in those whispering “noooo’s” that I have found my truth. Something in this exhaustion is allowing me to push through…into something more. I cannot continue to run around in circles.

I don’t have the answers …yet! But I believe that by stepping back I will. And, I am allowing Patience to sustain me while not giving into the deep restlessness.

Meantime, my spiritual practice will continue to serve as the loving and safe haven that it’s meant to be. I require the morning rituals even if it’s from my bed. I need the space of self-reflection and forgiveness for wanting to do so much in a 24-hour period. But, I am learning to stop the madness and insanity of doing so much that I am constantly in a state of exhaustion. Who is keeping taps on what gets done or not? NO ONE! (Remember this when you believe that your to-do list needs to be finished in one day).

At the end of the day, ask yourself these questions:

Was my soul satisfied with the mindless array of things accomplished on my to-do list?

Did I have fun today?

Did I laugh enough?

Could I have loved myself better?

Did I witness the sunrise, sunset or the birds?

What can I change for tomorrow so I can be more at ease with myself?

Give yourself a break. Give up the things, even if for a short time, that cause you anxiety. This type of anxiety is born from fear (whether it’s fear of not doing enough, or childhood voices saying you are lazy). This type of anxiety is a conditioning and programming from the past. It lacks self-compassion. It’s exhausting.

Let’s find a way to break it. Allow your essence to breathe in nature and life without the constant chit chat of electronics and others. Have a magnificent easy days, my friends! You deserve it…mucho love!

Let it RAIN

let it rain

An amazing friend, Aubrey, came by today. If I believed in gurus he would be mine.  His perception and teachings of the world put things in a magical perspective for me…always. Just having him here for a little while was enlightening. I don’t say that lightly. He has life experiences that go beyond what most people witness on a day-to-day basis. He works with mental health and helping beautiful souls get back on their feet. He sees brokenness, desperation, and destitution in many levels. In reality I am grateful for the support system of amazing friends who are like-minded individuals with much to offer in the area of healing. Aubrey is on top of the list.  Listening to him always puts my life lessons in perspective. My stories are nothing. They aren’t the nuts and bolts of anything mechanical that can’t be fixed by me. I am self-sufficient and grateful for each path that has allowed me to develop consciously into a spiritual walk.

Aubrey has always studied Buddhism and has learned to incorporate it into psychology. This is a philosophical teaching that I, too, share with a passionate interest. As an avid reader I am drawn to mindfulness, metaphysical and conscious awareness of daily living. Even with the theories and theological objectivity I find it challenging to put into practice every single moment! But today, he mentioned the Buddhist principle of R.A.I.N. and how it has allowed him to stop and see things in his life with a mindfulness attitude.

R = Recognize.  Recognizing whatever is bothering you and reacting to it firsthand is pivotal.

A = Accepting or Allowing.  Whatever is happening or occurring you must take accountability.  You are only responsible for you and your reactions to things.

I = Investigate or Inquire.  Analyze what is happening and question all possible routes to your issues. Why is this annoying me?  How did I allow this issue to jolt me this way?  Be your own investigative reporter for your story.

N= Not-identify.  Accept that a feeling is just that…an emotion.  Do not take it or own it.  This is the hardest part for most of us.  We are so self-judgmental.  We keep telling ourselves the stories of what has been programmed into our little heads.  And, we choose to believe the worst of everything.  By not identifying you can allow the situation to pass.

I don’t know if Aubrey saw the lights come on or the bells ringing as he finished his sharing and his insightful teachings. These bells sounded like cathedral chimes in my head. I am deeply aware that we are only able to tell the stories that we believe of ourselves (most are pretty darn depressing and negative). We are the truth of each experience but only to the Ego. In spirit we are nothing but the journey. This is why I pray and meditate each day. It is a struggle to be present at times. It is an ongoing exploration of mindfulness especially when there is so much going on in my life. This is exactly when I need to be in deeper awareness. When things are going great there is no need to fill the space with this commitment. We cannot move forward without recognizing and accepting those things that eat at us. Challenges and obstacles reshape us. They force us to inquire about what the soul wants and needs. Ultimately it is not anyone’s business what you think of me and vice versa. The only opinion worth keeping is the utmost value I should be placing on the self.  End of story.

A life without prayer, contemplation, meditation and/or daily self-reflection becomes an empty shell. If you cannot find the time to do this then you are not living authentically. The body needs rest.  The mind needs acknowledgment. And, the spirit needs reflection.  All three bodies need maintenance otherwise we are acting like robots waiting on the next cue to keep moving forward. What do you want? What calls for you? What brings you joy? What is bothering you or eating at you? Why is this important? Why are you allowing another person to dictate your feelings? Whenever you think of this how does your gut feel? If you don’t follow the whispers of spirit they will get louder through illness, ailments, and breakdowns. Follow your yearnings, accept your truths, be kind to your spirit, and participate on self-love. Be the love that you want from others.

The space and times of being alone to contemplate, pray or meditate do not need to be drastic. Take 10 minutes and move outward. Live for your spirit. Trust the whispers. Let it R.A.I.N.  Let it pour through a way that is priceless to your divinity. And, most of all make time to laugh! Laughter uncovers the depth of hurt, malice, and brokenness. You cannot be joyous and depress at the same time. Choose wisely through mindfulness. You are here now and that’s priceless!

(thank you, Aubrey, for being such a beautiful light in my journey)

Spiritual Deprivation

magical morning

When asked about the common subjects people talk to me about I always say “Love and Spirit.” People will share their love and stories without filter. It’s a given! They will unload information in a heart beat. The second subject is always along the lines of spiritual deprivation. Folks are in need of magic, mysticism, miracles, and faith. They want to know that there are others out there with the same curiosity and open-conscious level of understanding. They want to know that this is just not all of it…you know, the concept of living just to pay bills. Because, frankly, it’s not!

I am blessed to know (and my list continues to grow) hundreds of spiritual people. They are from all walks of life: Christians, Buddhists, Jews, Muslims, and even non-denominational. I also know many religious folks who come across as spiritual but in truth they are all mind and no heart. To me spirituality is having a compassionate heart tied to a faith in something greater than ourselves that is non-violent and non-judgmental. If you are judging, criticizing and point all sorts of fingers to another while reciting God’s name, well darling, you aren’t spiritual. You are something else. Unfortunately there are a lot of religions based on the mastery of manipulation and the heart has to be taken out of the equation. You cannot love and hate at the same time. Impossible!

A few friends showed up this weekend from Florida and Georgia. Ah…the beauty of entertaining like-minded souls is in the allowance. We were able to openly discuss so many subjects of the conscious mind. And the thing that kept coming up was spiritual deprivation and starvation. We are not connecting one on one with others. I know they are millions feeling this massive shift of awareness, however, due to the overwhelming negativity of the pointing-fingers syndrome, no one discusses their faith with anyone. No one wants to be ridiculed. No one wants to die. The deprivation grows larger and before you know we are all scattered and left to fend for ourselves and spirit.

Spirituality is a lonely path. My steps cannot be walked by you and vice versa. We can, however, compare the paths. We can discuss the different ways we come into prayer, contemplation and meditation. We can share experiences that are beyond this realm. We can go deep into conversations about stars, planets, and cosmic energy. We can trust in each other when someone says, “Yeah, I was back there talking to the fairies and then Stevie, the unicorn, brought me out of the forest.” Just because you haven’t experienced it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. I haven’t experienced homelessness but I sure believe in it. I haven’t experienced war but I now it’s there. So, these are folks that want more. They crave for spiritual knowledge. They eat, sleep, watch and read all sorts of information trying to rationalize or enrich their faith. For centuries religions have done this. It’s part of our DNA, we must grow into the unknown. It’s pretty sad that in today’s world we can still be deprived by the simplest forms of human needs: mind, body and spirit.

I don’t have answers on how to find more spiritual connections. I really haven’t a clue. At least ten times a week I get a message from someone asking for spiritual retreats, meet-ups, or just comments on wanting connections with Spirit. I can only tell you that at times what you are looking into others is right inside of you if you just sit long enough to listen. There are some rough days I get up at 3AM angry as a hungry bear. Anger is not an emotion that suits me. It actually lowers every part of my cellular composition so I try real hard to just avoid the emotion. But, when it grabs a hold of me in the middle of the night, shaking me violently I know I must get to the nearest dark room, sit my butt down and disconnect from it. I am determined to raise my vibration to the highest form of love and dispel that emotion. I need to quiet the ego bitchiness and center myself to what matters. It’s in those moments that Spirit visits me. It’s in those precious minutes that the universe cradles me with unbelievable forms of awareness through love. And, it’s also in those times that forgiveness arrives and I can let go of all that is causing me such turmoil and chaos. I walk away feeling like me. I am still a spiritual being having a human experience. I am choosing to make it less dense with emotional baggage.

You have the answers to all your spiritual questions. You carry with you the spiritual knowledge to change and feed and enhance your life through divine guidance. You are all there is. Sure it’s awesome to share with others. Heck yeah! It’s comforting to know you aren’t bat-ass crazy and the looney farm has a room with your name on it waiting for you to check yourself in. That’s always wonderful to acknowledge. Likes attract likes. If you want more spiritually grounded individuals in your life you have to become one yourself without the fear of being scrutinized. You also have to look around your circle and realize when you have to let go of toxic energy. You have to put yourself in the arms of respect and self-worth. What good will it do you to find spiritual folks and then return to a place that destroys the yummy energy? Go love you. Go believe in yourself. Go be spiritual through the forest, by the shoreline, over the desert, on a mountain top. Just BE! You got this!

A Petition

 It is perhaps the cold wind

caressing

your skin,

chilling the spirit

as it warms your heart

in complete silence

but with an assurance

beyond the known

while few words can give gratitude

for the sky opening         clearly,

the rain falling            quickly,

 the world gently           finding

             stillness in a moment.

And in these words,

a prayer,

a petition of grace,

 is born

from the heart

                        guiding,

 completing,

a certainty

for all that cannot be seen

but felt from beyond.

It is then,

and only then,

that you feel

Divinity kiss you

in your spirit

in a way that love

was meant to be understood

and recognized.

Captivating Bodhi

Sun reclaiming sky

I opened my eyes

to the darkness

of solitude.

Compassion walked in,

Truth followed,

and together they laid

warming my chill,

embracing the vastness of silence.

I began whispering to Love,

awakening my spirit

to this bewitching freedom.

They engulfed me with light,

without questions,

welcoming the morning hours

as the sun reclaimed the sky.

Finally, I breathed with ease…

this is the life

I dreamed about a zillion moments

ago

in an older version of myself.

I am home…

I am.

Moon Bathing

moonbathing

The moon woke me from a deep slumber right before midnight luring me outside. I sat on my deck inhaling its energy. It was a clear night. I could see the stars brightly shining on this property. The breeze danced through the trees along with the wind chimes. Each breath I took seem to lead me into prayer and then deeper into meditation. I closed my eyes and began giving all to the light. I opened my heart widely and poured out the love to the universe.

I could feel the vibration from the light healing me, reactivating intuition, and sending me to a place of peace. I live for these moments in full connection and harmony with nature. There is presence. I heard ruffling below as if I had an audience witnessing this bathing of soul. What happens when we open so widely that the world around us becomes magic? Every single cell expands in gratitude.

I was out there for a long while. Several hours passed without consent. I don’t know where I went. I don’t know how I got to the place of serenity that encompasses my divinity. I am grateful not to have to logically figure it out. I don’t need to. God is an omnipotence force that embraces every cell in me.

The wind kissed me often, chilling me to the bone, then warming me back to life. It played with me for a long while until I had to get a blanket. I returned to the womb state cocooned in comfort. There was a mystical force under that moon so powerful that I could not return to bed. I saw me. I saw the world in that moon.

I had a bad day yesterday. I was stricken by sadness and anger. A dear friend who is very intuitive messaged me asking how I was doing. I wrote back: “I wish I could lie and tell you that I am doing fabulous. I wish I could do it without guilt and shame. I am a freaking mess today. I have had hurt come up sitting today in places that have been abandoned…dusting these crevices is not easy. Getting rid of the cobwebs is not fun. I have to continue being in the moment. It’s a conscious effort all day long…breathing and reminding myself that I am not my thoughts, my anxiety nor my memories. This is all an illusion. I am just trying to surf this ebb. I am stricken by anxiety that is causing me panic attacks…this is how I know change is close.

These are not emotions I entertain often. Once I finished sending the message I felt worst. I don’t want pity. I want a solution to these emotions that are coming up. They have their reason for visiting. I know this. This cosmic drainage is not for sissies. This constant wave of pushing and pulling from the bottom of my spirit is not normal. Or is it? Is this part of the conscious shift? Is this part of my emotional and spiritual growth and evolution? Are others feeling this so intense?

I don’t condone a pity party to visit and stay. I don’t know where it came from with such force and I know better than to dive wholeheartedly into it. But, I did. I have to give myself permission for days like that. Today is different. The moon cleared me up like a crystal pulling source from light. There was an inner battle going on and the light of the moon helped clear things up.

Allow yourself time to moon bathe. Give yourself permission to listen to all parts of you under the night sky. When all else is quiet you can feel your truth rise to salute you. It’s not just magical, it’s part of your existence. You are not surviving. You are living in divine light experiencing through love and lessons. You still have tonight to experience this enchantment…go play. Find your unicorn, fairies, and make it a magical night. Dance in the moonlight!~ I love you.

The Need for Rituals

A seat waiting for you

Every morning I have a sacred ritual. I get up around 3 or 4AM, go into the living room, light some candles, and say my prayers. I sit quietly, conscious of breath and the sounds in the room. I feel presence…there is always sweet presence. Some days I sage or light an incense, others I just allow the higher guides to take care of any energy that doesn’t belong in my space. It’s rare that I feel any kind of negativity. I call on my higher self, God, and proceed to enter the space of love. My heart is always the most opened during these times. It doesn’t take long for me to leave this realm. I don’t look at the clock. I allow Spirit and Source to guide me. I might have a long meditation, or short prayers. I make time to ask and be blessed. I might even just sit in the darkness and watch the light outside welcome me home again. Then again there are mornings, when its warm, that I grab a chair by the pond and allow the light of the world to engulf me with its grace.

Rituals and ceremonies are needed as reminders of sacredness, faith, and awareness. You can do this anywhere you want: a bathroom, dining room table, set up an altar in your garage or basement, have space in your garden, make a small labyrinth in your yard, etc. What we do need are moments of conscious awareness, acceptance, letting go, and shifting to Divinity. I am a morning person but if I was a night owl I would be doing the same before heading to bed. The best prayer there is to enter the world every morning is being in full gratitude: you have been given another day in this journey. And, when you get used to a ritual it is hard to be without it. I feel “off” in days that I don’t get my morning time. I need my cup of tea or coffee after my rituals and return to the humanness of the space I get to call my own.

Allow space for guidance and divinity. Carve sometime for you and your higher self to speak…even if it’s in traffic. There is no right or wrong way to connect with the universe. Use your voice. Use your power. Open your heart wide. We need time to connect with our nature, our yearnings, with the little voice inside that pushes and pulls for truth. You are authentic. You are divine. You are light. You are love. You are pure wisdom and you have all the answers you will ever need. It’s important to remind yourself of this every single day. Have a blessed day~!

“The Way to do is to be.” ~ Lao Tzu

Death of Self

consciousness

I am free in a way I’ve never known before. Everything that led me here has been magnificent. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I don’t do things in a easy way. I do them in my way. I don’t learn through effortless energy or through the mistakes of others. I learn through struggle, falling down and picking myself up. Until recently this was my genetic makeup. Until just a while ago. See, I finally got tired of making things so difficult. It took a severe case of amnesia, ending up in the hospital and even a near-death experience to stop the insanity.

My ego will never be erased completely but it has diminished greatly. It will never ever be gone. There are temporary moments of bliss without the ego chit chatting away that I wish would last forever. But, there are greater moments now than before this small death in which there is little fear, if any at all. I still have a million imperfections and quite a few that I’m sure annoy those around me. I am human. I am compassionate, silly, kind, oblivious, loving, sympathetic, courageous, spontaneous but I am still human with many flaws. But, they are MY flaws and I don’t feel the necessity to apologize like I used to on a daily basis for being me. I don’t go around trying to instill my ideas onto others, unless they ask what I think. And as always I try to tell them what I think by lovingly saying, “I believe….I think….this is only my opinion.” I don’t have the answers. Nowadays I am guided more by intuition than the analytical mind. This is a first in all of my life.

A small death has taken place inside of me. I don’t know when it has happened in the past 12 months but it did. I believe it was a gradual demising. I don’t think it was suddenly because I would have noticed. The death of ego and all that it entails has also allowed me to surrender to feel comfortable in my own skin and in my choices of life. I am letting go of so much these days. It isn’t just the material world, it’s also the need to make sure everything and everyone around me is okay. I don’t have the passion to fix anyone just so I don’t see their hurt. No one is broken. No one needs fixing. I can see the profound expansion of lessons through their eyes, their touch, and their silence and I am able to sit with them. I am able to get angry and allow the emotions to come out in a healthy way. I am able to laugh uncontrollably and feel orgasmic joy for an entire day. I keep meeting folks who are also transitioning into the death of self. It’s magical. I don’t quite know what’s going on with this mass conscious shift but I am enjoying the journey. I am not alone. This makes it even more precious!

I love the conscious birth of acceptance. I love how being present is by far the most amazing form of BEing. I love how I can now sit and watch nature for a long time without the need to do anything else. I love how I have given myself permission to rest. I love how I don’t have to expect things to just fall quickly. I am learning that patience is not so much a virtue but a reality of living this moment. I am embracing faith and the Oneness of the universe. I am allowing my thoughts to move through and not obsessing over every single thing the mind insists on entertaining. The ego is a mastermind in manipulation. I am deeply aware now when it starts the drama.

This death of ego-self is unrecognizable to anyone else. I am certain others don’t see the change, like when I lose or gain weight. Or when I color or cut my hair. Or even when I wear make-up. The death of my egotism is not noticed because it’s subtle. There is a lack of judgment. People know they can share something with me because I am not here to judge them. But they don’t see that as the death of my old self. This type of death is best describe as a true awakening from the illusion of reality.

Death is not like going to sleep, it’s more like waking up from a dream and realizing the person you were in the dream wasn’t you, the problems you had in the dream weren’t your problems and waking up from the dream to this world is like going back to sleep again and waking up in a dream world, forgetting who we are again and getting lost in the dream character, the character who we think we are and who has problems. Waking up in a dream and realizing we are not the dream character but the dreamer is enlightenment.” ~ Emmanuel Diogu

A few nights ago I couldn’t sleep. I spent hours meditating on love. I began sending love to my closest family members, then friends, then strangers, then the world…moving from continent to continent. I felt my heart expand. Many times I sobbed while my heart ached with a thousand heart beats. As I departed several places where I know there are wars, death and mass destruction I found myself gasping for air: breathing deeper and exhaling every negative emotion attached to those places. I loved profoundly without being able to verbalize it, even now. I was cradled by God in a way that touched the core of all human connection. I received a clear message that Love is Letting Oneness Vibrationally Expand. This is what I was doing…expanding through vibrations. Death came and went many times during those moments. I don’t know where the hours went. Somewhere during my travels I lost space and time. It happens a lot lately. I am able to move through the veils of illusion and not be rushed.

My mini death moments are happening closer together. I do question a lot of things. That’s part of my newness. I was never one to question purpose and the unexplained notions of the world. I marvel at the simplest acts, and cherish the lessons that become our stories. I love these stories more than anything especially when they from others. So, thank you for allowing me to share my life with you. Thank you for allowing my moments here and partaking on my journey. I love you! I love that we might not know one another but we are deeply connected by the cord of humanity. Love and light to you!