Dark and Light

I met Nikki in Starbucks this morning. She was three people behind me in the line. Once I ordered I walked towards her and whispered, “I’m sure you get this a lot but you are absolutely gorgeous.”

She looked into my eyes and told me she didn’t.

“What’s wrong with people?” I asked smiling.

“Thank you so much for that compliment.” Her eyes began to tear up. “I don’t feel well today.”

“Girl, you fake it well.” I asked her for a hug and she began to cry.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetheart! It’s only one day. You fake it well. Actually that’s such shit, you know. That whole statement of faking it till you make it. It’s like stomping vulnerability in fear that the world will witness your humanity!”

She cried while nodding in agreement. I reached for her hands.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s aching in that tender heart?”

She shared…right there in line, after she placed her order. She let go briefly of something so harsh and it came out in small syllables. So we hugged. We connected. I told her it was one day. It was one month. It was just life….but that came short of what truly aches in her. I will never know the entire story and I don’t care to. What I know is that she was hurting.

I felt the break. I kissed her cheek and told her I would send her loving light and prayers. She accepted them. And just like that…it was over.

It only takes one second to smile or reach towards another. She needed that release. I happened to be the catalyst and it could have been anyone.

Mary Oliver’s line is always one I use to remind myself that in darkness there are gifts just as many as in light. It’s all how you show up and allow for the lessons to unfold. Don’t let one situation dictate your entire life. Life fluctuates between the dark and the light….and they are both encompass by love. ~m.a.p.

A Broken Heart

broken heart

A few days ago I caught up with a dear friend. He began to express that it’s been one of the darkest moments in a long time for him. I heard what was said and the underlining of what wasn’t. My heart was fracturing as I listened to him. I have had moments like this. I have witnessed friends lose their jobs after 20 years. I have seen some others drink their problems away thus creating a blockage and denying all the emotions inside. I have seen others just disappear into their own shelter without a word. I have heard from others whose health have deteriorated asking for a purpose to it all. I have experienced the death of some others who just couldn’t handle the massive shifting of life because sometimes it’s all freaking shit. It’s hard. It’s unfair. It can suck us thin while removing our faith in humanity. And, as if all this wasn’t right on the surface of deep empathy, I was then asked that same afternoon by someone else, “Can a person die of a broken heart?” I immediately answered, “Absolutely! We can die from anything we manifest through thought and emotion whether it is in abundance or the lack of it.”

For most of my life the answer to that question was an absolute “no!” I did not believe you could die from a broken heart. Grieving passes. We get through things. At least…we should. However, things have changed. I have changed and experienced the shattering of my heart several times. We all have. Our stories consist of fractures, brokenness, fragments and so much more. It’s part of being human. One important criteria for living is feeling. The more you feel, the more exposed you are to disappointments, anger, hatred, heartbreaks, dishonesty, etc. But, on the same token we are also exposed to joy, beauty, love, and the rainbows of a thousand delicious emotions. The darkest of hours and moments in our lives push us to either lock up or open up wider. It’s a choice…but we must endure it. Life is not really meant to be a struggle but we sure do a great amount of persistence to make it be impossible. There are always lessons in these experiences. Without sounding over dramatic, I do believe we can die of a broken heart that manifests into a heart attack. We can create illnesses, weaknesses and every imaginable bad thing that can be attracted by intention.

My father had several open heart surgeries. He was a man who loved deeply. He was a Casanova, that one guy that lit a room with his charisma and good looks. He was charming, funny, friendly and extremely loving. He was a womanizer and had a PhD from the Houdini University of Disappearing Into Thin Air. He knew when to take it all in but not know when to let go. My father’s heart was wide open. He wore it on his sleeve, apparently with everyone. And so, he died with heart problems, prostate cancer, and a solitary journey to his death that was long and painful. His mind left him years before he was gone. My father died of not only a broken heart but resentments, anger, and disappointments that he couldn’t express. He lived in his own hell. Each one of us has an incredible novel and his was definitely not boring. He punished himself till the very end for all that he thought he created to hurt others.

We are all going to die. It’s a given. The moment you are born that’s the point of destination. What we do with the in-between is called life. Allow for the darkest parts to guide you into the light. Let creativity step in. A friend sent me a sweet message in an email, “Create! Save God from Boredom!” If you allow your heart to stay open and you accept your presence as a conduit from Divinity you will not die of a broken heart. You will fly and your Spirit will thank you for being authentic to your purpose. Create doesn’t mean to make a painting.  It means create all that you want with intention.  Do not let your heart close up. Do not let it die before your time. Do not let the past dictate your future. You don’t live there anymore. If you are sad, sit with it.  If you are happy invite that to stay for longer.  We grieve, we love, we give, and we die. Amidst the gasps of it all lies the purpose and the legacy of who you are.

Surrender to the unknown!

Make it magical!

I love you!

Winter’s Night

The wind is howling outside the door,

rattling the windows,

clawing everything in its way.

My mind seems to be on the same rhythm.

Thoughts rattle in my brain

things of regrets,

others full of appreciation.

 

I cannot return to the past

as spirituality pushes forward.

Lessons learned.

Some painful.

Some delicious.

Some expanding beliefs.

Others forcing the evolution

of love and forgiveness.

 

I have nothing but the rattle

against my insides

battling Ego against Self.

 

If I run from all that I know

I will still be with me.

If I stay with all that I know

I will still be with me.

 

I am human

made of mistakes,

grace,

love,

and other little things.

 

I have some knowings

that carry me back and forth.

I have this sound of space

with just a few subjects

banging,

scratching,

twirling,

lurking,

breaking

any sense of silence inside.

 

It’s been a long while

since the storm in my head

created a tornado.

 

I breathe in hope

exhaling like the wind

with hollow sounds.

 

Until I remove the belongings,

until I can patch the holes left,

I cannot move into peace

and my heart cannot heal…

so I wait for the wind to die down,

for the swirling to stop,

and my heart to catch up

to the awareness

this too shall pass

and what’s left is just a shallow

memory of one bad night in winter.

Drifters

drifting

I inched my way

through covers and barriers

to borrow your warmth,

smell your hair,

feel your skin,

to wrap you around

the rawness of me

as a life jacket,

captivated by the desire

of keeping me hostage

in the prison of your arms.

And,

in the darkness,

rain gently hitting the window,

the wind guiding us afloat,

sparks of electricity

charged and brought

us back to the origin

of you,

me,

as we sailed through

the ocean of us.

Be the light…

light

When you blow out the light of a candle where does this light go to? It becomes part of the darkness…but the ability to turn back on is still there. This is how we are! At times the light is blown out and we need a reminder to light up again. We need others to guide us. Be the match that lights another. Be the light that finds the wick and illuminates. Don’t allow darkness to take over forever. You have the most beautiful ability to cast radiance over others. Use love to reach another. Have the courage to explore the darkness but the knowing of when to cast light on it. You are the light of all lights!

We can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light.”  ~ Plato

Love and Forgive

forgiveness

I have a daughter who is 27 years old.  She arrived into my life at almost 12 years of age from Romania.  She was set in her ways, a blank canvas to me since there was a huge language barrier between us.  She arrived into a home and family that lived by structure.  She had no choice but to adhere to the public school system and all the rules in school and at home.  But what happens to someone who is entering puberty and has a life changing event?  What happens to the past and where do you place it?  How does one “fit” into this new atmosphere, geography and ethnicity?  How many secrets condemn you and break your trust in others?  When she was 18 she was going to harm me and her siblings and I had to institutionalize her.  Those weeks (and what followed) nine years ago were one of the most difficult ones of my stories.  She and I have never been the same.  Even though she was in the hospital for 3 weeks it wasn’t enough.  She stopped taking the medicine and never received further help for her disorders.

We rarely communicate but not a day goes by that I don’t pray for her, send her love and ask God to give her guidance for her and her children.  A troubled fragmented mind can’t see things for what they were.  She has felt betrayed and unloved.  She has felt her siblings pushed her away.  I can’t speak for them but I know that when you have played with the Devil it’s hard to get back to Divine normalcy and accept someone who is still living in that playground.  They speak of her as if it was a horror film as they share stories of events, multiple personalities, and Devil worshipping.  I explain and ask them to let it go.  They all have their own thought processing.  They all have their reasons for holding on to the dangerous moments of the past.  In time I hope they make peace with it all.

How does one move on through life’s events when the faith in humanity gets tested?  I believe through love, forgiveness and letting go.  I have reached out to her on several occasions and have been returned with a reminder to not enter that space of having her near me. “She is dangerous!” I hear this constantly in my spirit.  “Wherever she is at continue to send her light and love.”  And, I hear it loud and clear.  But as a mother, thoughts come and go because I want to help her as any mother would. This is our job to protect the ones we love but we cannot take on the world with someone who is not willing to receive the help. She refuses to see a professional or get assistance of any kind.  She has no idea she’s mentally ill.  She can’t see it and won’t receive any help unless it is money.   She lives in an inconceivable amount of darkness that my light cannot reach.   And unfortunately she attracts those like her as well.

I rarely share the stories of my children.  They are my chapters filled with pages of love, lessons, and experiences.  They have gone through childhood, puberty, adolescence, and adulthood.  My children are precious, every single one of them.  And, for whatever reason my soul attracts the fractured, hurt and destitute.  Now years later I understand that of all my children she was the one who taught me about faith.  There were nights that the heavy energy in my house was so dense that all I could do was sit on the floor in the dark and pray.  I worried about my other children, I worried about myself, and I worried about things most people don’t ever have to think about.  We were exposed to spiritual warfare on a daily basis.  Where there is light there is also darkness trying to extinguish it.  In those days I would walk around with a Bible and she would mumble laughing that “it wasn’t going to save me.”

But, just like that things come to head and we are all asked to love and forgive.  We are asked to feel compassion for the ones who have not seen light, and those who entertain the darkest forces possible.  I witnessed dark and light every day and it helped me open up to the many realms around us.  My heart learned to love even deeper because of her.  My soul learned to forgive even faster because of her as well.  She was the epitome of opposites in a house full with gifts of love.  She rejected love, grace, God and compassion.

Remember that when you love it is for you.  You love because it feels like you are part of the world.  You forgive for you as well.  You feel the weight of darkness being removed.  We choose our thoughts and our experiences.  How we re-think those moments in the past determines if we are paralyzed or free in the future.   We all have similar stories of unimaginable acts that would make for a Lifetime channel mini-series.  But those are not the things that stay with us.  What should stay with us are the lessons learned and the moments of joy.  My daughter is gorgeous and she is a child of the Divine. Whether or not she takes the light into her soul is not important because we all have duality.  I have enough love to send her to make up for the dark she sees in the world.

We are all connected.  How you think of me becomes a reflection of you and vice versa.  Think love, freedom, grace, hope, faith, and all the goodness there is in each one of us.  Because when we begin to focus on the negative or the darkness we are left with anger, resentment, fear and hatred.  It’s not worth housing those in the mind, body or spirit.  Say the words, “I love you and I forgive you” to yourself and let those words transport themselves into the world.  I feel you.  I love you.  We got this! You are not alone in your process even though you feel that your stories are too much to bear.  Let them go! Mucho love!

3 A.M.

moon

I hear heartbeats pounding on the bed,

against the floor,

through a thousand pillows separating

the cold from body warmth.

I hear you dreaming,

completing yet another concrete brick

somewhere in that analytical brain full of puzzles.

I hear the wind shifting,

swirling erratically through leaves, chimes, and

the water hitting the shore against the land.

I hear my brain shifting through consciousness

trying to make sense of things

that at 3 AM I cannot fix.

I hear my cells duplicating, expanding,

moving though the ocean of water inside.

I hear love entering from afar,

snoring in another dimension,

wishing I was there to witness the entrance

to life without judgment before and after birth.

I hear the whispering of the walls,

ancestors from here and there,

the universe, and my guides

while I can’t make sense of the voices

I sit quietly anticipating an answer

to all those things that in waking hours

do not ask questions.

But, through the witching hours

the noises of the galaxies all join forces

in our room…

while all I can do is reach out to you

to find support, grounding, and love.

Casting

I had never noticed
The way headlights cast
Out the darkness
Ascending towards home
While shadows wait
Quickly in distance
Then descending with each
Curve to the past.
The thickness of forest
Returns to the unknown
As I stare in the mirror.
I am almost there
Waving the moon goodbye.

Filling the Void

filling the void

Leaves wrestle with the wind

trying to hold ground,

settling into dirt

as rain smashes,

erasing their colors

against everything that is not.

My thoughts lie

outside of me

listening to the hollowing

echoing through me

as I too

wrestle to hold ground

filling the void of darkness

through the autumn nighttide.

White drapes dance

against the light from heaven

flirting with desire

to join them in celebration.

I can’t hold back the thoughts

of regrets and doubts

in times when the water from earth

is as intense as

those pouring from my memories.

I want to make it right…

filling the void with certainty.

I can’t during blackness

but morning arrives

and I jump into myself.

My radiance did not erase

during the night.

Infusion

infusion

I rest next to you

in the silence of darkness

as the wind swiftly makes its way

through the space between us

cradling

every inch of our stories.

I love the smell

of your essence

infused in the sheets

longing to join me

as the autumn breeze

picks it,

twirls it,

and gently exposes it

letting me borrow

pieces of you

for a few moments

at

a

time.