It’s Getting Real

Without busyness a lot of our shadow self emerges. Things we’ve not dealt with come up and out. They get magnified. We are confined with others who are also experiencing their own shi(f)t.

I am sure there will be many separations and divorces when we return to our previous lifelines. There will be many who may find themselves picking up a vice (or two) in order to suppress the event. There may be abuse involved and lots of low vibrational challenges ahead.

Take a breather. Return to this memory. Step back from it all. Recognize truth. You will be triggered by your partner, kids, parents, friends, neighbors and the media. You will be rubbed and irritated by the confinement and the lack of routine. You may even fantasize of how different your life will be once you have your previous life back.

That other life will now be completely different. You will question your purpose here. You may be dreaming of how to reinvent yourself professionally. You will also recognize that simplicity is your new reality. You didn’t need all the heavy distractions.

This is your life. There is no returning to that other one because your experiences now are forcing a split in timelines. You will never be the same.

Deal with the dark side of your personality. It’s time to ascend and in order to do so you can no longer put that side of you on hold. You can no longer neglect healing it.

The struggle is real. You will emerge through a complete metamorphosis. It isn’t pretty. It is definitely uncomfortable. But… sigh … I feel you will choose the best outcome for you and your family.

Be safe. Heal the past and work on releasing it. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. That irritation creates a crack that is allowing light to enter.

I love you.

Existential Crisis

The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.

I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.

Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.

I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.

I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.

I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!

I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.

Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.

This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.

Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!

There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.

There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?

We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.

I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.

Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.

I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.

This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.

Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.

A New World

I slept very little last night. I tossed and turned. I would take a short nap to wake to this new reality.

This is a massive new experience that is shaking up the world. It feels like a wicked sci-fi movie. But this reality is transforming us all. It is elevating awareness and consciousness like never before. It is transforming us to live in the precious moments.

I watched a video from Madrid, Spain. A doctor shared, while sobbing, their reality that because of the lack of ventilators they are letting those older than 65 years die so the ventilators can go to the younger population.

So I cried along with him as the video shared the doctor’s plea for government aid. Another female doctor expressed her anger and frustration. These folks are dying alone. Nurses are the only ones able to hold their hands as they go through the agony of dying.

It’s happening across the globe.

This virus is not just taking out the weakest link. It’s taking us to a place of destitution. We are asking about our purpose here. We are questioning the why’s and how’s. It is unmasking humanity and we are all feeling it. All of it! Part of the collective is mourning. The other half is waiting for something powerful to happen.

One moment I am stricken by the anxiety of the unknown. On another moment I am excited to see a new world emerge from the fire. There are so many facets to all of this. And I refuse to allow fear dictate my days. But there are still those moments I will look at my children and hold tears back. We will never be here again.

This event is showing us how to work together to stay alive by not being together. It’s opening us greatly to compassion and love from afar. And we are finally recognizing that we are connected. What happens over there also happens over here. What happens to you affects those around us. We can’t do this without the collective participation.

Healthcare workers have become heroes beyond any other type of groups before. They are in the front lines witnessing death on a daily basis.

The only way to contain this is to please stay away from others. My heart aches for the elderly population which happens to be one of the most precious group of humanity. They brought us here. They are our historians. They are our ancestors.

Be safe, darlings. Stay in your highest vibration. There is so much that will come out of this. I believe it. But until then please be mindful to keep us all safe. You are making a difference by your actions. And continue to raise each other instead of tearing each other apart.

Social Distancing

Social Distancing…

A new term for our times.

I am social but an introvert at heart. I like my space. My husband and I are homebodies by nature. This “social distancing” is a way for all of us to move inward. It’s an opportunity to return to family time without distractions out there. We get to catch up with what we have put on hold for so long.

How and why and what is happening is beyond our scope of understanding at this point. We all have our opinions. Some of us see this quite different from what the media is portraying.

It doesn’t matter. What matters now is that we hunker down. Those who have lived through hurricanes and severe snow storms…we are pros at this. But, unlike natural disasters we truly have no idea how long this can last.

So…once again, please find yourselves retiring and retreating. Do those things you’ve put off because Of lack of time. But also, please don’t isolate yourselves. Video chat with your friends. Play games. This event is not permission to go into a deep depression. Get help if you start to feel the overwhelming feeling of doom.

I love you.

Sacredness in Holding Space

The Sacredness of Holding Space During these Moments…

Holding space for someone during these times is a privilege. It is about walking along their side without judgment, not making them feel inadequate and allowing their essence to feel free to just be. We are all on an emotional rollercoaster even if we are all about faith, love and light. We are still human and our emotional bodies do get affected.

These times are offering the opportunity for unconditional support with patience and sacredness that does not always come easy. But, we are learning. We will be learning many powerful lessons together.

Whether or not you feel anxiety and fear it is still very real for many. Your job is to stay open with an open heart. We will find that holding space is truly the only thing we can do for another while recognizing the frailty of life and all we take for granted. Compassion and kindness; altruism and acceptance; unconditional love and mindfulness should be on top of our lists.

The act of holding sacred space is important in all relationships, especially now. We are in need of these sanctified moments that express in silence to another, “I am here for you. There is nothing to do. I see you. I feel you. I hear you. I acknowledge your life.”

Holding space is about being present without distractions and allowing another to feel Divinity through the eyes of your love.

What incredible moments are being presented for us to love and respect each other! We are all under the same experience. This virus doesn’t care about race, gender, religious beliefs, political agenda, or anything else that discriminates us. We are to hold each other in pure sacredness and acceptance without judgment for how we show up through it all.

I love you. You are not alone and I will continue to remind you.

Soul Teachers

Some folks come in and highlight past triggers. They push the dark emotions up and about. In my case I get a few who remind me of my mother and how judgmental and controlling she was. I revert into the little girl. I find myself avoiding confrontations. Then I step back and realize the unhealed parts of my inner child.

I embrace it. I become aware of the role they are playing. That doesn’t mean I attack the person triggering me. It doesn’t mean I am nasty or passive aggressive. It doesn’t mean anything because it’s not about them. It’s about me and how I allow the energy to show up.

I get to decide how I perceive things. I get to choose what I allow and what I release. People are amazing teachers. I am always asking what is this person teaching me? What is the message here?

What I am learning is that when we don’t heal those parts of ourselves we are opened to the teachers coming in more frequently. Until we forgive and set appropriate boundaries those lessons will keep showing up. Until we learn from them we cannot graduate to something else.

So stop and detect. Breathe through the moments without reacting. Allow the present moment to dictate instead of the past. You can’t change what happened back there. You can, however, change what happens now.

We have choices every single day to show up and not overthink. We are always evolving. We aren’t stuck in any one stage. It’s an ongoing journey. There is no good or bad…only a perspective of how we view the world. Every single soul in your path teaches you about YOU.

I love you. Now love yourself even further.

Our Infinite Connection

You are one freaking miracle consisting of millions of cells that exploded to create a universe in you. You are a world alone bumping and connecting with other worlds. Not for one moment think that your world is insignificant. You have been programmed to believe that you are small but you’re huge. You are infinite. You will continue to live even after you are no longer in this incarnation.

And guess what you are here to do?

You are here to love and learn and love some more. You are here to experience all aspects of humanness. This is not a test. It’s not suppose to be a gigantic struggle. You are suppose to rise and help create for others.

Every single event, challenge and obstacle is here to expand your consciousness. You are here to touch hearts and teach what compassion is. You get to do that through your examples and power. Do not give your power to another. Do not hand your magic to anyone. It’s yours! You hold on to it and make this world a better place. We are now remembering why we came. And it’s all about love, connections, forgiveness, expansion and grace. I love you.