Tag: deep emotions

Faith

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Faith is not found when everything is going smoothly. Faith is witnessed when the world collides with chaos and struggles. That’s when we search for her. Often times we are angry because we feel she’s abandoned our space.

Let me share what faith looks like to me. She’s in the nights when you are crying yourself asleep because a loved one is dying near you, or when your wife has decided to walk out of your relationship, or when your child has ended up in jail. She’s in the aches and brokenness of your fears and the disappointments of your expectations. She’s in the desperation and uncertainties of life.

Faith is sitting quietly waiting on you to grab her and shake every cell inside of you to trust and let go of the situation. She is there to take over if you just let go of the control. She’s the light that gives way into darkness.

When your world comes apart and you cannot find reasons to logically make sense of anything… that is when Faith is seen and felt. That’s when she whispers through your personal beliefs, “I’m here. I have something better. I will work on this. Trust!”

Your job is to allow her to step in. But, without controlling the outcome. Without micromanaging every step of the way.

I have met many religious folks who have zero faith. They go to church every week but when their world gets rattled by hard obstacles their faith is completely absent. They live in fear and lack belief.

And then I’ve met some folks who say they don’t believe in anything. When things happen they have found something stronger than themselves to carry them through it. They say they believe in themselves. That’s also Faith.

So what is faith? It’s not religious. It’s a deep spiritual knowing that you are here to learn and evolve. It’s the opportunity to shift awareness and morph into something powerful.


We have all experienced horrific acts in our lives. We have undergone atrocities. We have overcome major obstacles. Some of you are experiencing these things right now.

What keeps you going? What’s the thing or substance that allows you to get up and keep moving through it all? I bet you have some amazing stories to share. And I also bet that Faith has a lot to do with how you overcame those challenges.

I love you!
More than you can imagine, just cause you are here sharing space with me this way. I have faith in YOU!

Millie

Grief, That Old Friend

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Grief is inexplicable. It hits at its own timing. And, to be honest, it never goes away. We learn to navigate it. We learn to miss without the intense pain. We learn to live in a different manner.

When I was 23 years old I met a young man my age. We worked in the industrial power transmission field. The first day he came for an interview, right out of college, we shook hands and the electricity that passed through our hands was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, or have felt since.

Before I could even figure out what was happening we had a tremendous love affair. I was in and out of a relationship with someone much older who was married. This young man and I connected in a way that was out of this world.

At 25 years old, after a long break up because of my other relationship, he asked me to marry him one night. I said yes. That was March 11, 1993. He was dating someone else, and I was still in that relationship. We both broke it off that weekend. On the way back from breaking up with his girlfriend he hit a wall on I95 on March 14th. They found him with a small English/Spanish book in his hands.

This loss shut me down. It took my light with it. It would take years to understand. But, something happened shortly after his death. He began to show up in dreams. I wasn’t as spiritually aware as I am now, but I would feel him all the time.

Whenever I am struggling I find a dime and a penny. $.11 was something we would find together. Those close to me marvel at the fact that this happens often. There will be a dime and then a few inches later, a penny. He has been around for almost 30 years and has guided me in ways I cannot explain.

But grief, that old friend that reminds us of love, can sometimes get the best of us. This morning I opened up my kitchen cabinet to get my coffee mug and in a cup I rarely use was a dime and a penny. I don’t even ask anymore how this happens. Maybe the kids did it long ago. I don’t know. I know I was supposed to find it at 4:44 this morning. That’s how guidance works.

We are always held by deceased loved ones. ALWAYS. I often forget to call out to ancestors. Rarely do I forget to call out for him. He has been my steady companion for decades. And, I know we will one day be reunited.

Your grief is not meant to be suppressed. It isn’t meant to be bulldozed. It’s a reminder that you loved. That you were loved. That you lived. That you had someone who loved you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, a child, a lover, a fur baby, or whatever. Sometimes we mourn places and things.

You are loved. You are here. And, I promise you that you will always come out with grace on the other side.

I love you!
Millie

Life is Epic

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I woke this morning sick of my stories, the drama I repeat, and the never ending struggle to find peace among the storms that are not real but living in my little head. It’s sickening. This being, and just allowing, is not for sissies. No one said that the spiritual walk was meant to BE a walk in the park! It takes massive amount of discipline and I don’t follow orders very well…even when it’s from the esoteric world. So…I got up…did my meditation…had to stop right in the middle and said, “F*@k this crap! I can do this. I have manifested incredible experiences in this lifetime. I can let this go and move on without this struggle. This is my own ego creating this shit! I am more than this scene, this stage, and this production!!!”

I got up turning the “cannot” into “will do.”

We have the complete capacity and power to change our thoughts. In those moments I feel the swirl of energy directing me into joy, faith, and love. The heart opens up when I let go of the toxic stories I retell myself. It’s just a shift in perception. I promise.

Aren’t you sick of your same old stories, drama, struggles, and total bullshit (because it is just crap)? Then change the channel…tune into the mass consciousness of love…for you and the world. Get out of your head. Get out of your way…you got this! I know it may all feel heavy at this moment.

Put it down. Stop giving it power. Move away from it for a little while. You may come back to it at another time.

Onward and outward, darlings. Take one breath at a time and move through your knowing. Accept your magnificence and inner guidance. That is your internal GPS. Reroute if you must. But keep going.

Have a blessed day! I love you.

Listen

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I speak to you through here, through the vastness of love frequency, and the spaces between the words.

Listen…

Here is the thing… to shut yourself off from the world is pure insanity. It is a great injustice. We are not made to live without love. We are not made to put up walls. We are to continue growing through those losses. I’ve lost no more, and no less, than anyone else. I have lost physically and mentally while in those losses I have doubted my humanity, my self-worth, and my ability to keep going. I have loved time and time again and have been hurt. I’m not exempt from heartache. I have left the warmth and comfort in not wanting relationships to then dive in and get hurt. I have been ruptured and stitched up again. I have seen the beauty in mindful love and the downside of giving all that I am. It’s been worth the ride.

I remember telling someone that a break like that truly feels like a giant crack inside. I believe it is then that the fracture allows for the heart to expand and grow to love deeper. Perhaps I am delusional. I just know that the times that I have ended relationships, or death has taken someone, the pain is so immense that my soul needs time alone to recuperate. I literally feel the ache coming from my chest. I also feel the light healing it. It is in those moments that the tears wash everything out and I realize that faith is the only means of transportation. I have no regrets because the child in me only wants love and to be loved. The woman in me recognizes that I am not invisible. Love is my essence. If loving entails loss… well that’s a mighty hefty price that needs to be paid. Love is part of conscious living. You must give it in order to breathe.

We are not exempt from disappointments, deaths, breakups, tragedies, and anything under the scope of loss. Loss is the vulture that cleans our insides. While its in there anger, resentment, guilt, shame, and a kaleidoscope of emotions rise. Loss eats every aspect of hope and then allows for new cells to rebuild. If we live long enough we will see the immense power of hatred as well as the magnitude of love. This is your life. This is my life. This is life. Do not confine yourself to a prison of safety by not opening your heart to the world. You will miss out in other ways that Spirit can gift you through the magic of love. You are not alone. May you find the courage to love again and again for the rest of your life!

Love, darling. Love with all that you are and continue feeling it all. Don’t stop or shut yourself through fear. Through love you find the Divine in you and the Divinity in others.

I love you.

Rebellious at Heart

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I have a rebellious nature… at times. I’ve tamed it in the last few years. I am stubborn (to a fault) and I don’t give up easily on the things that make my soul expand. My tenacity has helped me build many lives in this one. It has also cost me heartache at times because I stick to what I believe. When I do give up it is because I’ve lost interest in chasing what didn’t deserve me or barricaded me along the way. When I surrender it is because I have felt the universe tell me to stop, usually because my physical body has been affected.

I suspect I will be that old lady in the future that at family gatherings will say shocking things. I may share way too much about things I’ve kept for myself. I may be interrupted or taken out of the room while pushing a walker cursing up a storm. I know I’ll love hard, and loudly, even if I get angry. I will use my rebellion to fight for those I love forever. I will fight for what I believe… including the underdogs, misfits and those who have lost their way. I will continue to remind them of their light even when mine may be flickering and dimming.

When I leave this earth my children will remember my sarcasm and the way I loved them without an ounce of indifference. They will remember my twisted sense of humor and laugh out loud.

I can still climb a fence. A very, very, short one. I may hurt myself but I will give it my all. What I will never ever get hurt climbing is loving another even when it’s not reciprocated. I will never get hurt climbing the mountain of goals and dreams. I will never get hurt climbing my way through this moment in history because I believe there is magic on the other side.

A Mama’s Heart

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Our 3 y/o started daycare again today after a three month hiatus. He was as happy to see his school as I was in dropping him off to exhaust his energy. I came home with our 6 y/o to tear my house apart and deep clean it. In the midst of moving furniture and vacuuming I lost my emotions.

I don’t know where they came from. My oldest son and his girl will return home to New York tomorrow and the future emptiness engulfed me. I got him for three months. The first time in over ten years that we had that much quality time together.

So I stopped stripping the living room. I stopped picking up God-knows-how-old cereal from under the sofa. I stopped and allowed for my heart to stop racing.

Today is gloomy outside and inside of me. I thought I would be okay. But, I may not be. It will be a hard mama week. I will return to putting my business back out there. I will find some kind of stability. But the last three months have been (sigh) full of chaos and so many gifts.

I lost myself in the days. I lost myself in little ones. I lost myself in the yard. I lost myself in motherhood. I also found myself in all those things. I returned to a life of what I do best: mother all those around me.

I’m ready for the world to also find itself. For the peace to arrive. For the love to engulf us all. I recognize the shift and how it is well overdue. But, shit, it has been brutal! I recognize now that I have been battling deep state of sadness, perhaps a little bit of depression. Had I not had two little ones I am sure I would have lost myself way down the dark night of the soul.

We all need to be seen, felt, acknowledged and loved. We want to feel connections. And for me that has been the hardest part of the isolation…. Not being able to touch another has been a major test.

I have felt my tribe. I see the world now in a different light when I share openly. I have witnessed who is here and who is elsewhere. The division in our humanity has grown existentially.

I’m hoping the muck in collective consciousness is about finished with this cycle. It hasn’t just been the virus but the anger and hatred that has been unleashed in humanity. I pray we proceed with loving louder in order to heal. I’m ready for the next phase.

Sending love to you today. Be gentle as things are proceeding and evolving. Know your worth and your truth. Remember what you believe is yours but don’t try to push it on anyone else. Holding you from here energetically as I proceed with cleaning some weird stains that are unrecognizable from the carpet. Hugs.

Musical Chairs

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Several years ago when I was in the social work field I had a conversation with a co-worker and she shared a story about one of her clients who recently departed our world. We were talking about doing volunteer hospice work if we had money to spare. I told her I was fascinated by the end of life and folks transitioning, especially those who are ready. And for those who struggled, they allowed me to just sit in sacred space and hold their hands. These were precious and priceless moments in my life.

She said one day she went to visit her client and she asked her how she was handling her ending?
Her sweet elderly woman, who had been a missionary for many years, a woman of huge amount of faith, said…“I’m moving from one chair to another. Is that not okay?”

I stared at my co-worker. My eyes began to water. That was such an insightful and beautiful analogy of end-of-life transition. I got chills. From that statement I knew she was a woman who had lived with grace.

I feel life is like that: moving from chair to chair trying to find the most comfortable one.

It takes pure divine “knowing” to accept all of it. It’s in the simple awareness that we are just moving from one form of matter into another.

The joy of life is to continue moving from chair to chair while finding the magic of what it holds for our spirit. The trick is finding the greatest chair while playing music and enjoying it as long as possible in complete love and acceptance with a lovely view.

A Sage and a Lesson

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There is a story about a woman who travels a great distance with her son to meet a sage. After an entire day traveling by foot she sees the sage. “I need you to tell my son he cannot have sweets. It makes him sick.”

The sage said to her, “Okay, come back in a week!”

The woman left disturbed, perplexed and angry. She took her son and returned to her village. And even though livid she made the trekking back to see the sage a week later.

When the sage saw her son he immediately said, “Stop eating anything with sugar. Not good for you! Listen to your mother.”

The woman shook her head angrier than a hungry bear waking from hibernation and asked, “Why couldn’t you have done that last week? I travelled so far….”

The sage looked at her and said, “First I had to experience it myself.”

I can’t remember who the sage was or where I read this many decades ago but it has always stayed in my little head. We move through our experiences which form our perspectives. If we don’t experience it it is hard sometimes to understand it. But, I don’t always have to experience things to understand them. I can empathize and sympathize and do my part to understand. I try to put myself in the other person’s shoes.

These words here all bring us to peace and human connection. We might not understand each other. Many live in fear of what they don’t understand and cannot find a way to experience it themselves but I do believe love is the answer.

Take all the time you need to take this in but I will say it again: Love is what will heal this planet. And yes, love with action. But ultimately when things are done through love the shift arrives.

Fifth Week of Lessons

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Fifth week of quarantine has taught me a lot. I am not the same person who entered this crisis.

At first there was release. Old traumas triggered and healed. There was so much old hurt that showed up and I didn’t even process why until weeks later.

Then came anger, disappointments and short fuse syndrome over everything. Denial and acceptance showed up a lot. Sadness would follow with grace. I cried a lot. I was in a fog. It was not pretty to feel it all and be in the midst of darkness. Forgiveness was the mother experience in all of it. It actually lifted the fog.

Every emotion has been deeply felt the last few weeks. I became spiritually detached. It rattled the core of me. I somehow had disconnected from Source and couldn’t get back to my center. Then last week it stopped. It all came full circle. I felt my heart cracking open and accepting. I understood what I didn’t understand. I know not to know anything and it is okay. I accept this being this at this moment in time.

There is something to all of it on a huge cosmic level. My dreams aren’t dreams but incredible travels elsewhere. And I marvel at the opportunity to bring back lessons from other lifetimes. When I close my eyes at night I get to go and come back with deep peace and awareness.

But, I also know that as weeks go by the collective will be in a lot of turmoil. There is heaviness in the world. There is sadness and anger. Every person is undergoing their own growth. There is a rainbow of shitty emotions going on that weigh each of us down. There is no pot of gold ahead for many. Folks ask what I asked in the beginning, “What the hell is my purpose now?”

Our purpose is to rise up and join a higher frequency. We can’t fight dark forces with darkness. We must light the path and lift the fog.

I’ve decided to shift my perception and mindfully return to love every single time I get into that head space. I don’t have to know about tomorrow. I only need to be here now.

My home is sacred. My family is too. I am willing to participate in this giant awakening experiment because obviously I chose this time in history to be here. I will not be shaken by what I read or see or hear. I understand that love is the vehicle, for me, at this time.

How are you feeling after all these weeks? What are you learning?

Taking it One Day at a Time

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The wind was wicked all night long in this corner of the mountains. Children slept. We all slept. It was a rare night indeed. But sometime during the middle of the night the wind took over. It is still howling and it forces me to return to my own breath. It allows me to return to this moment.

I begin to understand again. I return to my remembering:

Who you are today is a compilation of every past experience. And, you are nothing of what you will be tomorrow. That’s the beautiful mysticism of understanding the evolution of the soul… especially during these times.

We’ve never been here before. What a journey this is for each of us. For our planet. For our soul evolution.

You are the universe embodied in a human vehicle. You are a zillion cells and infinite years old. Things change every second. I urge you to pay attention.

I’ve been wealthy. I’ve been poor. I’ve been a follower. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an avid student. I been a mother. I’ve been a wife and a lover. I’ve been angry and happy and lost and found. I’ve been broken and pasted back together mending in my private times. None of those labels will define my tomorrow because I am ever changing…but they have defined the soul I’ve become at this moment. Every single challenge and experience has molded me. It’s never the end. We are semicolons pausing and quickly beginning a new phase. Every single day.

Just as the sun rising and the night returning…You get to restart and reinvent yourself over and over. It’s a divine privilege. It’s your human right.

So don’t let the stress of tomorrow overshadow the sacredness of presence now. You will never be this young again. You will continue to grow in spirit and the moment you become aware of your power life will begin to shift.

I love you. Be present. Make it a point to stop, have a conscious breath, and taste your life for what it is. Whether it’s good or bad it is your life. And you can change it whenever you accept that this is not a prison life sentence. It is truly a magical experience of endless proportions.