Waves

Remember not everyday is filled with rainbows and butterflies. Some days are full of aches and scars and deep wounds. They require a little more heart expansion. Others require forgiveness. While still some allow you to feel the bliss from humanity and how we are the collective of something much bigger than ourselves.

Be humble. Be available to sit with all that arrives. Don’t let it paralyze you. You are meant to always show up and rise to the occasions of your life.

You get to choose how you react to it all.

There are days that compile several emotions from all corners of the heart. The world doesn’t prepare us for those moments of pure joy and heartache that happen simultaneously. The heartbreaks are so intense that you feel you cannot survive. They are invaluable experiences that force us to move into compassion without judgment. Huge heart pulls. Those days are truly sucky. They are wrenching. Ugh.

I ask that on those roller coaster emotional days you truly be gentle with yourself. Don’t discard the emotions. Don’t bury them. Don’t try to process them all at once.

Just be. Life is preparing you for such an incredible strong journey.

Believe me, tomorrow may just be the best day you will have so far. Don’t judge your future by the experiences you are having today. Don’t criticize the moments because you fear them. Don’t carry them alone because of how others may see you. They aren’t walking your path. You might be teaching them an experience they need for their own journey.

May you always be led by faith and grace. Things always have a way of working out. It requires you to shift perspective. And in that process you will see things in a different light. ~m.a.p.

The Runner

I visited a friend who is struggling. She’s selling everything to flee and run far away from here. I recognize the behavior. For the large part of my life I ran. I either ran towards something or ran away from it. I ended up in the mountains running from a life that was comfortable into a life of pure work…but spiritually enriching. Because the “comfortable life” was empty and full of imprisonment by a man who was emotionally abusive. It took years of stripping my ego and self worth to build it into something authentic. At forty-two years old I hadn’t a clue who I really was. I was playing different roles depending on who needed them.

Seeing her today gave me palpitations. I wanted to just hold her and let her know that no matter how far she runs she will always have to deal with the core truth of herself. The running is only temporary. It will never be permanent until she lets go of the issues that she’s avoiding. I am sure someone (or many) tried to tell me the same thing eight years ago. I didn’t hear it. And I am blessed to have had support because I really struggled. It was a horribly painful time. Talk about dark nights of the soul…for several years.

Love and heartache have a way of pushing us to extremes. Nothing forces us to run quicker than the feeling of abandonment and toxic energy. It’s exhausting. It’s paralyzing so when the energy arrives to sprint away the body just sees it as survival. Who am I to try and stop her?

I hugged and kissed her, wishing her the very best. It will be a delicious adventure and a painful one. She’s headed to the desert. Nothing strips the soul deeper than that. I get it. I feel it. I know it well.

Darlings, you can only do what’s best for you regardless of what others tell you. If you need to run, do it. If you need to stay, do it. If you need a break, have it. But do not let another soul force you into making harsh decisions because of fear. Wounds heal…eventually. Love returns when you return to it. As soon as you recognize that you are a divine lover to yourself things begin to align. Until that moment you will continue to run yourself ragged. You are the most precious commodity in the world. Don’t let someone else make you feel otherwise. ~m.a.p.

A Broken Heart

broken heart

A few days ago I caught up with a dear friend. He began to express that it’s been one of the darkest moments in a long time for him. I heard what was said and the underlining of what wasn’t. My heart was fracturing as I listened to him. I have had moments like this. I have witnessed friends lose their jobs after 20 years. I have seen some others drink their problems away thus creating a blockage and denying all the emotions inside. I have seen others just disappear into their own shelter without a word. I have heard from others whose health have deteriorated asking for a purpose to it all. I have experienced the death of some others who just couldn’t handle the massive shifting of life because sometimes it’s all freaking shit. It’s hard. It’s unfair. It can suck us thin while removing our faith in humanity. And, as if all this wasn’t right on the surface of deep empathy, I was then asked that same afternoon by someone else, “Can a person die of a broken heart?” I immediately answered, “Absolutely! We can die from anything we manifest through thought and emotion whether it is in abundance or the lack of it.”

For most of my life the answer to that question was an absolute “no!” I did not believe you could die from a broken heart. Grieving passes. We get through things. At least…we should. However, things have changed. I have changed and experienced the shattering of my heart several times. We all have. Our stories consist of fractures, brokenness, fragments and so much more. It’s part of being human. One important criteria for living is feeling. The more you feel, the more exposed you are to disappointments, anger, hatred, heartbreaks, dishonesty, etc. But, on the same token we are also exposed to joy, beauty, love, and the rainbows of a thousand delicious emotions. The darkest of hours and moments in our lives push us to either lock up or open up wider. It’s a choice…but we must endure it. Life is not really meant to be a struggle but we sure do a great amount of persistence to make it be impossible. There are always lessons in these experiences. Without sounding over dramatic, I do believe we can die of a broken heart that manifests into a heart attack. We can create illnesses, weaknesses and every imaginable bad thing that can be attracted by intention.

My father had several open heart surgeries. He was a man who loved deeply. He was a Casanova, that one guy that lit a room with his charisma and good looks. He was charming, funny, friendly and extremely loving. He was a womanizer and had a PhD from the Houdini University of Disappearing Into Thin Air. He knew when to take it all in but not know when to let go. My father’s heart was wide open. He wore it on his sleeve, apparently with everyone. And so, he died with heart problems, prostate cancer, and a solitary journey to his death that was long and painful. His mind left him years before he was gone. My father died of not only a broken heart but resentments, anger, and disappointments that he couldn’t express. He lived in his own hell. Each one of us has an incredible novel and his was definitely not boring. He punished himself till the very end for all that he thought he created to hurt others.

We are all going to die. It’s a given. The moment you are born that’s the point of destination. What we do with the in-between is called life. Allow for the darkest parts to guide you into the light. Let creativity step in. A friend sent me a sweet message in an email, “Create! Save God from Boredom!” If you allow your heart to stay open and you accept your presence as a conduit from Divinity you will not die of a broken heart. You will fly and your Spirit will thank you for being authentic to your purpose. Create doesn’t mean to make a painting.  It means create all that you want with intention.  Do not let your heart close up. Do not let it die before your time. Do not let the past dictate your future. You don’t live there anymore. If you are sad, sit with it.  If you are happy invite that to stay for longer.  We grieve, we love, we give, and we die. Amidst the gasps of it all lies the purpose and the legacy of who you are.

Surrender to the unknown!

Make it magical!

I love you!

No Judgment Zone

Let’s Get Real…no judgment zone!

Kali and I had quite an adventurous day. She is an incredible hiking buddy. The kid can go on and on. The parkway is

lit with fall colors. Magnificent. True magic up there.

As I drove back home it hit me: soon winter will be here. My chest constricted. Most people don’t know I suffer immensely from SAD (seasonal affective disorder). And believe me I have tried “to snap out of it,” “exercise for it,” “take supplements,” “meditate and calm the mind,” name it, darlings. I’ve done it. Even through a deepened spiritual practice I find myself in the arms of grief and depression.

Yesterday I read a post of a man on my FB friend’s list. We’ve never met. He was vulnerable in sharing his depression. I read the comments and started to cry. I don’t know him. But I do. I know how depression can hit the most happiest of folks. I feel it coming right when the weather cools down. When the leaves are all gone. When the days get short and gloomy. And when the first snow hits the ground I literally have a panic attack.

Okay so if you are judging already then I urge you to stop reading this. Move on to something else!!!

I am no one’s hero, especially for myself. So after having ended up in the hospital several times during past winters I have been proactive. I now put my self righteous attitude to the side and go get meds for three or four months. I shut my ego off. Because…because the emotions are real. The hole is dark, narrow and deep. I refuse to be defined by what others think. I know how mental health can knock you on your ass if you aren’t careful. No one knows what someone is enduring inside.

Healing happens when we face it.

I urge you to stop before you give advise to someone with mental health issues. Please! Depression is not exclusive or inclusive. It’s not racist. It doesn’t care about your religious or political beliefs. It is a chemical imbalance. It is a lot of things and it doesn’t require your judgment.

And please don’t say something like “it is all in your head” cause it really is and you sound like an idiot saying it. It’s all in my little head, alright.

My husband and I have discussed moving from the mountains many times. We come up with several places and as soon as I remember that winter is severe there I take the fantasy out of my mind. I need sun. I need warm weather. I never imagined people suffered from weather changes. There is such a thing as the winter blues.

Darlings, being vulnerable is courageous. So many of you feel alone. You feel depleted and worthless. You are NOT. You are here for a deeper purpose than you can see at this moment. Get help. Talk with someone. Recognize that your mental health doesn’t determine failure. It doesn’t decide anything but that your mind and body need help. If you had a heart condition you wouldn’t hesitate getting help. If you had kidney issues you would run to the doctor. So why is your mental health ever in question?

I’ve lost several folks to suicide. I won’t tip-toe around that subject ever again.

I know myself well enough not to ignore the signs. Today, hiking through those mountains with my kid brought joy. As I stared out to the furthest peak I was reminded to be gentle with myself. The next season will be here soon. I am grateful for a husband who never judges and holds me when I breakdown in tears…when I can’t verbalize the sadness. And he also lets me know I am not alone.

You deserve the assistance needed to move through this. It’s okay. I got you. You got this. I love you.

Pictures are from a gorgeous day on the Blue Ridge Parkway hiking with my little girl.

Secrets Kept

secrets

“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath

Ocean of One

Last night

I found you in a dream

sitting,

waiting,

melancholy and hopeless

by the rocky shoreline.

I asked what was happening.

You answered,

“I’m waiting for the waves

to come get me.”

I stood staring at the wave-less

vastness

knowing that the ocean

doesn’t grab.

You have to be one with it.

“Darling, life doesn’t work that way.

You have to become

the water, waves, sand,

the sun, the moon, and the breath

that holds it together.”

I reached my hand down to you.

You grabbed it. You held me.

Together we melted

into the water….

and we

became

one

with

All.