Mystifying Riddles

falling stars

There are amazing mysteries in our universe:  the great pyramids, the Mayan calendar, the conscious mind, the cosmos, the beginning of time, the big bang theory, UFO’s, and the spiritual world whose veil is thinning with acceleration of these times.

These great mysteries aren’t meant to be solved.  They are as apparent as love out there in the world to ponder and accept.  We are constantly trying to solve the miracles of life.  But, some things aren’t meant to have specific reasoning.  Miracles happen every day.  (I, for one, thrive on them while searching for every possible sign that they are happening around me). We are born out of an extraordinary phenomenon. We survive illnesses, near-death experiences, and so many heart aches.  We come out from difficult situations and have no explanation for them…except that something larger than ourselves intervened.  This is the miracle.  The mysteries of our existence lie in the knowing that there is something so much greater than reasoning.  It is that knowing that gets us through the difficult times.  Some call it Christ, Buddha, Shiva, God, the Divine, the Great Goddess, Mother, the Holy Mother, etc.  There are millions of names and expressions for this mystery in our existence.

I have stopped looking for that which cannot be understood.  I have learned to accept things as they come.  There is no lack of anxiety or disappointment in what I want and what is.  There is no lack of worrying at times for what cannot be understood.  It is what it is.  However, what I have learned with the hard knocks of life is that in the end I have no control of what will happen.  I am always joyfully surprised with how things appear.  There is no perfect planning…only perfect timing.

Two nights ago I sat outside watching the meteor showers.  Falling or shooting stars adorned the clear night sky.  It was beautiful.  Each time I witnessed a quick one fall I would gasp.  Such quick simplicity!  It was precious.  I made a lot of wishes upon those stars.  As I went to bed I said my prayers to the greatest mystery of all…God.  We are so fortunate to be living in these times.  Each moment is a complete unsolved mystical twinkle in time.  Relish in it!  Dive into the moments with awesome-driven excitement.  The best is always yet to come.  Have a mysteriously wonderful day!

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The Power of Loss

loss

You’ve known loss. I’ve known loss. We have all lost someone, something, and at times even ourselves. We lose. That’s what entails living. We gain and we lose. I have lost loved ones to death, to misunderstandings, to circumstances, and to the world. I have lost myself more times during the process of growth and expansion than I care to remember. This happens. It must in order to grow. I wish we didn’t have to go through disappointments, despair, loneliness, shame, catastrophe, wreckage, and anything under the umbrella of misfortunes.

When I was in my twenties I lost a man whose absence changed the perspective of what I thought I deserved in love. He would become the love gauge of what and how I should be loved. It would take years to feel the assurance of what I should have in the love department. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, and three days later, at the age of 25, he died in a car accident. Just like that…gone!  One minute making plans to marry me and adopt my two boys…and in a second the emptiness and destitution of nothing. It’s been over 20 years since that moment and the heartache that it produced has finally stopped aching. The loss, however, never has. 

The thing about loss is that the grief it carries is inexplicable. Its shame is unpredictable. He’s still around in my dreams, in words someone says, in a smile a stranger might give me, in a look another might have. He’s in books and movies and many relationships. He’s still in me because no matter what happens every person who enters our existence leaves a imprint. It is never erased. Some leave them deeper than others. And, every other relationship that has existed in my life has also visited those scars and places of loneliness. In the beginning the shame that arrived for me still living and him being gone was incomprehensible. However, I held on to love. I held on to the beauty of forgiveness and knowing that he passed my life to better it…not to create a trauma so large that I would stop loving forever. The choice to continue loving is one of pure courage. Who the hell wants to feel that pain again? Why would anyone want to take the chance to feel that loss once more?

Here is the thing…to shut yourself off from the world is insanity. It is a great injustice. We are not made to live without love. We are not made to put up walls. We are to continue growing through those losses. I’ve lost no more and no less than anyone else. I have lost physically and mentally while in those losses I have doubted my humanity, my self-worth, and my ability to keep going. I have loved time and time again and have been hurt. I have left the warmth and comfort in not wanting relationships to then dive in and get hurt. I have been ruptured and stitched up again. I have seen the beauty in mindful love and the downside of giving all I am. It’s been worth the ride. 

I remember telling someone that a break like that truly feels like a giant crack inside. I believe it is then that the fracture allows for the heart to expand and grow to love deeper. Perhaps I am delusional. I just know that the times that I have ended relationships, or death has taken someone, the pain is so immense that my soul needs time alone to recuperate. I literally feel the ache coming from my chest. It is in those moments that the tears wash everything out and I realize that faith is the only means of transportation. I have no regrets because the child in me only wants love and to be loved. If that entails loss…well that’s a mighty hefty price that needs to be paid. 

Love is part of conscious living. You must give it in order to breathe.

We are not exempt from disappointments, deaths, breakups, tragedies, and anything under the scope of loss. Loss is the vulture that cleans our insides. While it’s in there anger, resentment, guilt, shame, and a kaleidoscope of emotions rise. Loss eats every aspect of hope and then allows for new cells to rebuild. If we live long enough we will see the immense power of hatred as well as the magnitude of love. 

This is your life. This is my life. This is life. Do not confine yourself to a prison of safety by not opening your heart to the world. You will miss out in other ways that Spirit can gift you through the magic of love. You are not alone. May you find the courage to love again and again for the rest of your life!

Stopping the Drama

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I woke this morning sick of my stories, the drama I repeat, and the never ending struggle to find peace among the storms that are not real but living in my little head. It’s sickening. This BEing and just allowing is not for sissies. No one said that the spiritual walk was meant to BE a brisk-cool walk in the park! It takes massive amount of discipline and I don’t follow orders very well…even when it’s from the esoteric world. So…I got up…did my meditation…had to stop right in the middle and said, “F*@k this crap! I can do this. I have manifested incredible experiences in this lifetime. I can let this go and move on without this struggle. This is my own ego creating this shit! I am more than this scene, this stage, and this production!!!”  I got up from the sofa, went outside in the cool morning, saluted the four winds and now feel like I can keep going without this intense production that hasn’t aired in any stage but mine.

We have the complete capacity and power to change our thoughts. In those moments I feel the swirl of energy directing me into joy, faith, and love. The heart opens up when I let go of the toxic stories I retell myself. I release shame, guilt and any freaking resentment that has been attached to those one-woman acts. It’s just a shift in perception. I promise.

Sitting with a friend yesterday she said, “I wish I knew what I don’t know!” It’s amazing how those words have stuck out even throughout the night. We have a knowing and certainty at times that guides us into the most amazing places. At other times the same knowing tells us that we are missing something that we should know but we cannot reach it. It’s frustrating. Our humanness battles with divinity and spiritual processing. It’s a constant battle of patience and expectation. But, when that feeling comes up I am aware I have to remember that God is in charged. I have to believe that if I follow synchronicity and make no rash decisions I will be better than okay. I keep my mantra, “Okay, God, this or better!”

Aren’t you sick of your same old stories, drama, struggles, and total bullshit (because it is just crap)? Then change the channel…tune into the mass consciousness of love…for you and the world. Get out of your head. Get out of your way…you got this! Onward and outward, darlings….take one breath at a time and move through your knowing. I like to believe wholeheartedly that mysticism is birthed in those in between moments of not knowing what I should know. It’s in those moments like this morning when I declare enough of the same insanity and drama.  I am always cradled in spirit. I see the first step onto the dark stairwell…the rest is moving through blinded faith.

Soul Searching Awareness

existential

Many years ago one of my closest friends, while going through a divorce, used to say that in order to deal with her soon-to-be ex husband she had to be wearing a Grace Kelly cape every time they had to connect to exchange their children. She would visualize herself in a diamond filled long cape that was extremely heavy and required poise and grace. It was in those moments that she kept her faith and truth in tact. Her entire world had been turned upside down as she learned of her husband’s infidelities. I have never met anyone endure so much and keep such a lady-like Jackie O attitude. When I would ask her how she was doing she would tell me, “I just put on my Grace Kelly cape and had to deal with him. The more irrational he gets the more diamonds I add to the cape. It takes all of me to keep my ego in line.” To this day, I remember her metaphor of wearing this glamorous cape that required presence and grace.

Truth is personal. It moves through soul searching. Its vehicle is grace. Everyone craves to find truth but I think it’s difficult for many to taste it, smell it, and truly listen to it. The more we search for our soul’s truth the faster Ego will provide chaos, insanity, and denial. I am often reminded that in those moments of soul searching I must put on my Grace Kelly cape loaded with giant stones dragging on the ground as I walk through the unknown with high heel shoes to keep myself poised, filled with integrity and balance.

Part of living the spiritual life is the awareness of deleting all expectations and disappointments. Often times I am faced with an existential crisis of truth. What do I do? How do I make it through this? What am I suppose be doing? But these days I am deeply aware that every crisis evolves into a lesson. It’s beautiful to step back and watch the soul searching for its authenticity. It’s in that truth that grace teaches us happiness, love, faith and the art of surrendering all. Speak to your soul, have your pep talks, and encourage it to tell you what (s)he needs. Awakening of the mind is waking to every feeling, acceptance and the love that the universe has for you. Love and light…sweet souls.