Vulnerability

Vulnerability!

That’s the word of this week since my book came out. I have been sent photos of friends holding my book, Erasable. I have had endless text messages about how the book made them feel. I have had an outpour of love beyond what I can ever wrap my head and heart around.

I don’t know much about how it is received by strangers. But, I do know one thing for certain: it’s a book about overcoming tremendous challenges. It’s a story similar to yours. It’s you in many ways. Take whatever resonates.

We read books, watch movies, and listen to others tell stories because we want to feel seen, understood, and accepted. Mine is no different.

I have been asked about the foreword. My dear friend, Rebecca Saltman, was kind enough to write it. She introduced me to the publishers when I contributed a chapter in her and Jade Redher’s anthology, U Empath You, back at the beginning of the year.

When I was in a moment of getting ready to pull the entire project and close shop, my publisher suggested I let Rebecca read the book. Only three other people had read this book before (many years ago): Angelica Pizano, Michael Thomas, and a professor in Durham, North Carolina, who mutilated the first draft (so much so that I hid the manuscript for almost 3 years in a desk drawer). But, he did me a favor because it was the exact healing I needed from this memoir. I had not come to terms with loss, rape, grief, heartache, and all the delicious joy that has come from this incredible life. I am blessed to have this life, the children who call me Mom, and the folks who raise me up to believe in myself… daily!

The professor was kind enough to show me that I still had to shift the voice. My first draft was written in stream of consciousness because I wrote it right after I lost my memory… and it was the only voice I had available. It read as if you were in my head and many times it was lost in translation.

So, Rebecca sat and read the pdf, pulling me from the doubts and insecurities. She had a stern talk with me, basically letting me know to put on my big girl panties on and move through the publishing process. I cannot imagine having anyone do the foreword as she knows the process of writing and publishing. Her foreword is a love letter of sorts as she retells the story of how her deceased father, Jack, came to me on one of our first conversations back in the summer of 2021.

I am beyond grateful for the love and support, not just from those who know me, but many who are reading this story. I have had friends from years ago reach out asking why I hadn’t shared the tidbits of my life. Why I never told them of my accidents?

I live forward. I don’t live back there. The story isn’t about survival. The story is about thriving even in the midst of turmoil. It’s about you. You taking every step with faith and a certainty that no matter what happens in your life you have the will and choice to make it through. You are invincible… not invisible. You matter. You aren’t erasable even when you feel unseen. And, if you aren’t feeling it then please look around and see what needs shifting in your life.

Thank you for the messages, emails, texts and phone calls. I had so many reservations about my story for two decades. I also knew that in order to be really honest I needed to put away any expectations of how it would be received. In the end, Erasable has healed the inner wounds that had me imprisoned for so long. It has lightened my heart with massive release and forgiveness. I feel free for once in this lifetime. I am stepping into a divine journey of self-love and acceptance.

I am in love… with you all! Thank you!

Millie

Declutter Your Life

About a year and a half ago I had lunch with a wonderful author in Asheville. He was staying in the area for a month and luckily we were able to meet. I have loved and admired him for a very long time on social media. Sitting across from him I told him that his book shifted my perspective immensely.

He asked, “How so?”

I shared that the underwear chapter was a big AHA moment. To which he laughed. (I am sure he thought I was nuts but he appreciated my candor).

In this chapter he wrote that as he was sitting that day to write, his underwear bothered him. He realized he had allowed so many things in his life to bother him. Underwear shouldn’t be one of them. (I am paraphrasing). So he wrote that he stopped the process of writing, went and took off his underwear and threw them out.

I read that chapter and closed the book. I felt like someone had given me permission to release things that didn’t feel good on my body. I got up and went through my drawers. I threw away a lot of underwear and bras. Then I tackled my closet. Anything that didn’t feel good was going out. I must’ve spent a week going through all my things asking myself if it felt good. A bunch of jewelry, towels, sheets, you name it. I had already begun the process of releasing toxicity out of my life. This was just another level.

A few days later I was in the kitchen getting my mug for coffee when I realized I had too many I didn’t like. I have a thing about coffee mugs. I like them big and wide and able to not be super hot when I put them in the microwave. I hadn’t realized how many I owned that didn’t fit that category. I began to see the way I allowed so many things around me to dictate how I felt. Everything is an extension of us.

So, here I was sitting in front of this delicious soul (while he giggled) sharing about the underwear chapter.

He said, “Life is too short to be wearing underwear that crawls up your ass!”

The reality is that life is too short to be putting up with things, experiences, people, and places that make us uncomfortable. Anything that displeases us needs a resolution. And, unfortunately sometimes you need permission to see that it is okay to purge. I know I did! I got it from a book and a man I had no idea I would be meeting in person some day.

It’s a new chapter, beginning and year. What is holding you hostage with discomfort? Get rid of it. If it is crawling up your ass (figuratively or literally) let it go. We ain’t got time for that!

I love you,

Millie

Erasable – Hard Copy

I am feeling it all at this very moment. My publisher messaged me that the book was in my mailbox since Friday. I ran across the dark street gripping the envelope. Once I opened it… OMGosh.

No other book I’ve written has had such an impact. Nothing else has felt so intense and healing simultaneously.

When my publisher reminded me that it is next week, the 11th, it became even more real. Holding it seems surreal. Twenty years all inside a computer waiting for the perfect timing.

My five year old climbed in bed with me as I was tearing up. He took the book from my hands. “Mommy, you wrote a book.” I said, “I have written several. But this one is about my life.”

He sounds out the title which is a big word for a kindergartener. He starts to tear up. I see the puddles of tears in his green eyes. He hugs me.

“Can you read it to me like a bedtime story?”

“When you get older. It’s a big-people book!”

He smiles while wiping his tears. “You did good, Mommy.”

I read the acknowledgment part to him about all my kids and he smiles and thanks me. Then we lay together. He wanted to go wake his sister up. I told him that I would share with her in the morning.

Sweet tears. Sweet love. I am blessed. Not by anything but the recollection of a well-lived and loved life. His reaction will forever be tattooed in my heart.

I love you all for the constant support and love your give.

Millie

I Don’t Have to Be Right

I used to have to be right. It would bother me if a person didn’t see things like I did. If there was a misunderstanding I had to beat it (usually in my head) until I was heard and seen as correct.

It doesn’t matter at this point. I don’t have to be right to anyone. I don’t have to go above and beyond an exhausting point of fixating on it. I don’t have to feed the ego to make another person see things my way. I am also able to see the bs around me, especially if I’m causing it without truly owning it. And I do.

I know that I don’t know. But, what I do know is that I don’t have to argue a point to someone who comes from their own past experiences. We are all coming from our own perspectives. Not everyone matches. Not everything has to fit.

I stopped giving away feeling small by trying to act big.

I know I don’t have to make it about me. Or them. I just have to move along and mind my own business. I take ownership of that.

Be gentle with yourselves this holiday season. Folks are stressed and frustrated. Others hurt and depressed. Stay in your lane and don’t argue what you know you won’t win because it’s useless to do so. Let it go. Set it free. Put it down. Move on.

I love you. 

Conversation with God

I had a long sleepless night last night. Sometime in the middle of the night I dreamt with God or maybe I was in a deep meditation.

We were somewhere in the thick woods where I always meet Her (Cinthya). She appeared right by me.

Me: God, I’m scared.

God: It’s okay.

Me: What if I fail?

God: You won’t.

Me: How do you know?

God: Because I know you. I made you. You don’t consider things as failure. You see them as lessons. You experience them as mile markers.

I stopped walking and looked at Her beaming light: But maybe it will be the first time I see them as failure. (I had tears coming down my face)

God smiled her radiance: You are not afraid of failure. You are anxious about success. The not knowing for certain is daunting to you. And then all the changes that will appear.

Me: Huh!?

God: You will be great. (She held my hand. I felt her unbounded energetic frequency. I sensed the truth in her).

Me: How do you know?

God: Trust me! Now, rest because you will be really busy…!

*********************

If you feel like you can’t see light right now, be kind. We are all transitioning and evolving into newness.

I love you,

Millie America

Life is a Series

There are nights I lay awake thinking about my six adult children and these two little ones in my care. I am certain other parents go through the list of questions: What didn’t I do right? What could I have done differently? Will they look back and realize that love was always given in abundance? Will they have taken into adulthood the knowledge that material things don’t really matter? Questions gather and release. And, as I toss and turn, churning on the mattress, I come to listen to my inner guidance. I have done the best I could do under my limitations and capacity.

People will always look inside glass houses, attempt to judge, criticize, and belittle. No one knows your path, the struggles along the way, the many times you had to bulldozed your way to the other side. These thoughts come and go during nights that sleep eludes me. And, then, another miracle appears: as daylight enters the room the Divine visits with assurance. I take deep breaths, thank the Universe for allowing me to redo all the wrongs, and continue learning. I go outside and enter the church of nature. It is there that I find the peace to comfort my spirit and quiet the many unknowns. I am the best possible version of me and I whisper to God, “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!” I am whole again.

Asking for a miracle is allowing God to align your wishes with what you deserve. It is a faithful act of letting go and releasing to the unknown. It is in believing that we are entitled to the impossible. Once you know and feel the awareness of illusion in that everything is okay the world opens up to your every desire. We have no control of what can and will happen. That’s the miracle. As Lemony Snicket says, “Miracles are like pimples, because once you start looking for them you find more than you ever dreamed you’d see.” Allow those little pimples to pop and show you the beauty of your wishful heart.

Be gentle with you. Let the thoughts come and go but don’t try to control the what if’s and what you’ve could’ve done. Those days are gone. Today is a new day. Today is a miracle in the making. I love you.

Millie

Changing Perspective

About 21 years ago my ex and I hit a horrific financial pitfall. We owned an Industrial Distribution company and when 9/11 hit we pretty much lost A LOT in the stock market. Just like millions, we lost the ability to trust in what we couldn’t see. I ended up moving from South Florida to Central Florida with six kids while he stayed behind to salvage what was left. I worked on the business from my tiny rental home. Slowly we began to figure out how to navigate the storms.

That Thanksgiving there wasn’t much money. A week before the holiday, I woke one morning to a voice in my little head that clearly stated to help those in need in Orlando. Truth be told I was one of the needy ones. I went into meditation and I was shown exactly what needed to be done. I wrote a list.

I went to the Dollar store and bought all sorts of food and created 20 baskets. I went into our glass-change jar for this. After a few days I took the baskets to the police station in the worst area and asked the officer to please distribute to whomever he thought needed it most. I explained they needed to have children and/or elderly folks. I had written notes in each basket with personal love cards from God.

He asked if I wanted to schedule a right-along. I told them that I felt he had it. I didn’t need to be there.

Because I followed Guidance, that Thanksgiving ended up being absolutely beautiful. A week later money began to come into our accounts from sources I didn’t even know. We had food. We had shelter. We had health. We had the necessities.

What changed? My perception of the situations.

How did I overcome the loss of our home, the deterioration of our business? I walked one step at a time into the sacred journey. I was held tightly in a conviction that Spirit was guiding me.

It’s in the moments of despair that we find strength. It’s in those moments of uncertainty that Faith shows up and holds our hands. It’s those challenges that teach us how to trust in something omnipotent. We are never quite broken as much as fractured for a bit. We heal and we rise. We are absolutely a tenacious bunch.

Gratitude opens us up to abundance (and this doesn’t necessarily mean money, it could be health, joy, ease, etc.). You don’t have to literally give anything. You can sit and send prayers to those in your life, to the planet, to your ancestors. I sit with 12 months of wonderful experiences, especially the challenging events, and recognize their lessons.

For so many of us, the last few years have actually changed us into new versions of ourselves. We have been polished into new beings because of those experiences.

I love you. Be kind always. Stay in the moment of wonderous gratitude and watch how the Universe/God/Guidance show up in return.

I am deeply grateful for your presence!

Millie

You are a Reflection of Love

The day will come when you won’t be looking for faith outside of you. When you will stop looking for God in temples and religion. You will notice the Divine staring back from the reflection in the mirror. You will see it smiling at you in a homeless person or a loved one taking their last breath. You will find Source in your children as they laugh out loud. You will feel spirit in the kiss from your mate. You will finally recognize our connections and how important it is to be kind and compassionate to everyone even when they don’t accept it. You will find the silence and ability to walk away. You will feel divinity in nature and inhale her wisdom.

You will accept yourself fully and all the power of infinite love.

It is then when you have reached the loving understanding of your purpose through unbounded love. The expectations of anything outside of yourself will dissolve around you.

You will see you. And you will walk this earth seeing love and compassion in all things without judgment. You will feel the truth of your existence.

I see you. I feel you. I know the God in you is also the God in me. I love you.

Millie

Finding Happiness

Seven years ago today, I had the most amazing pleasure of attending a reading, along with Q&A, for Elizabeth Gilbert’s new book Big Magic. It was indeed magical. Listening to her speak is like being with a close friend. She’s down to earth and approachable. What you see is what you get! Some of the audience’s questions felt like subjects I have questioned myself on many occasions.

Gilbert stood on stage gracefully, and honestly, answering to the best of her spiritual wisdom. I went home floored. I’ve read the book about creativity but this event was more for my heart to open and remember what’s important. There are questions that hit home: What is truth and how do you live by it always?

We fear hurting someone else. But, when we stand in our own light of truth it is important to stay there. Allowing others to tarnish and use your kindness, creativity, or whatever is not living an authentic life. She said at some point that “self-care requires a great amount of self-discipline.” We deviate from our rituals to make others happy. We go-go-go and refuse to take time for ourselves.

Here’s the thing that I have learned and at times I forget: DO NOT, by any means, allow another to steal your joy and happiness. Do not dive into the waters of a martyr or a victim because of circumstance, events, or toxic people. Do not participate in drama unless you want a Masters in Fine Arts degree from those people who will bring you down to low frequencies while making you forget who you are. Do not, by any means, avoid your heart’s yearning so another person can feel better. Live life with self-love and self-care. It’s imperative that you listen to your voice, that small echo that cries in your dreams, that whispers in the shower, that sings in the car… forcing you to chase happiness.

I remember years ago I read a quote in a restaurant while sitting on a toilet. Someone had written it on the back of the door: “Happiness is HELL for victims.” For a few moments I stared at it thinking, “Wow, what possessed someone to write that in here? What would cause a soul the need to write something so powerful and remind others how important happiness can be for our essence?” I kept thinking of the woman and what she must have been enduring.

So, with that in mind BE Joyful! BE happy. Most importantly BE truthful with your word and your spirit. I love you!

Millie

Loving Simple Things

There are so many events in my life… single moments that scream “pay attention right now!” These stretches of time give, take, and release into the universe the joy of being me. I love them as they alone stand in shifting my awareness from too much to the NOW. It’s these things that capture the person I am and what I cherish in my life:

I love when my children call me for no reason whatsoever but to say “hello, Mom, and I love you.”

I love laughing till I cry, not in a corny way but in a way that an intellectual conversation suddenly dives into silliness and whatever was said before the outbreak is forgotten.

I love random texts full of hellos and gratitude in the sweetest way possible with just a word or a picture.

I love how tears escape unexpectedly with a sound of a one-sentence story with no expectation of filling the air with more.

I love sending cards, delicately placing each word with a tiny piece of my heart to fly into the hands of another.

I love smells that remind me of something far and gone but linger for a few seconds in a corner of my mind.

I love old songs that transport me into a place and time of embrace.

I love unexpected hugs in a middle of a talk when it has nothing to do with touching and the skin of another amps and vibrates from the shock of grabbing onto it.

I love chasing sunrises and sunsets when the colors remind me of God’s masterpiece.

I love the perfect cup of cafe con leche and bringing it back to bed as I snuggle for just a little longer with my thoughts and prayers.

These are non sequential moments that open me up, gather the spiritual side of me, and then drop me into another place that I cannot verbalize. They touch and burn and linger for a while allowing for the complete gratitude of Divinity. And like that, I love the way some folks can hold a glance without saying much and hand a smile that contagiously plants itself on my face.

I love feeling the earth on my bare feet when the soil is moist and cold while reminding me to ground my scattered soul. I love seeing the light in others that speaks louder than anything they can share with me, or seeing their angels and ancestors watching over them. I love sitting with anticipation each morning and waiting for light to break through the darkness while I say my prayers, light my candles and wish for goodness in the day. I also love how when someone is sleeping they can murmur a part of their dreams while inviting me into their dreamland.

And, one of my favorite things is the smell of truth and authenticity when someone has no agenda except being in my presence just because they feel loved and appreciated. These things happen without my knowing. They just bring me back to the present as a gift from the Heavens.

May you find joy in your favorite things while attracting more of them!

Oh… and I love YOU~

Millie