Live in the moment

meditation

I woke this morning with a sense of calmness. I slept over 12 hours last night. It’s been a long, long, long time that I have slept this hard and long.

For years I have been waking between 4:00 and 5:00 AM to do my meditations. Lately I have been beyond exhausted. I wake to move into the space of sacredness but find myself dreading the motions. This type of exhaustion is debilitating to me. I am the type of person that once I am up, I am up and running. I don’t know where the tiredness is coming from. Could it be almost 5 decades of inhabiting this existence through some incredibly magnificent lessons? Or, a toddler who is reminding me why people shouldn’t have kids in their forties? Or, is it just hormonal? Or, is it the constant negativity that surrounds the world, forcing me again to detach from social media and mainstream information? There are many questions that rise and fall at times. It really doesn’t matter why I am tired. What matters is that I continue to get up even when it feels uncomfortable, because my daily practice is the only thing that I find stabilizes chit chat and puts the ego in time out. 

I have let go of so much in the past few years. My spiritual practice is not something I can live without, especially the early morning prayers and meditation. I can’t entertain the thought of not feeling embraced by Divinity every morning. But, how does one enter the world, day in and day out, feeling completely rested? I have forgotten what that feels like…until this morning. I want this everyday.

I recognize that I am harder on myself than any other living person. I am relentless in making sure I get my things done. I am somewhat unforgiving at times with how fast I want things to transpire. Patience is non existent in my gene pool. It’s horrible. I recognize this and I also know it is often followed by a brutal state of stubbornness. I am working on clearing them both. I am truly being conscious these days of how I interact with my impatience. Every time I light a candle I state my intention with Patience and Love. You would think after a life time I would have it down pat…nope! It is an ongoing process.

I can delete many things from my day. I am sure of it. I have taken a break from Facebook. I have stopped checking my emails every hour. I have detached from drama and anyone who likes to create it. I haven’t read a book in a long time (cause I can’t seem to concentrate long enough). I have made it a point to slow down even at the anger of others who want me to react quicker. I have to do what’s best for me. But, in this interpersonal retreat I’ve noticed that things aren’t going slower for me. They seem to be accelerating and I can’t catch my breath at times. I have to constantly return to mindfulness in my day and ask myself, “Is this worth me getting anxious over? Am I happy right now?”

It truly is about breaking old habits, programming, and expectations.

The answers disappoint me. I keep hearing the no’s a lot. AND, it’s in those whispering “noooo’s” that I have found my truth. Something in this exhaustion is allowing me to push through…into something more. I cannot continue to run around in circles.

I don’t have the answers …yet! But I believe that by stepping back I will. And, I am allowing Patience to sustain me while not giving into the deep restlessness.

Meantime, my spiritual practice will continue to serve as the loving and safe haven that it’s meant to be. I require the morning rituals even if it’s from my bed. I need the space of self-reflection and forgiveness for wanting to do so much in a 24-hour period. But, I am learning to stop the madness and insanity of doing so much that I am constantly in a state of exhaustion. Who is keeping taps on what gets done or not? NO ONE! (Remember this when you believe that your to-do list needs to be finished in one day).

At the end of the day, ask yourself these questions:

Was my soul satisfied with the mindless array of things accomplished on my to-do list?

Did I have fun today?

Did I laugh enough?

Could I have loved myself better?

Did I witness the sunrise, sunset or the birds?

What can I change for tomorrow so I can be more at ease with myself?

Give yourself a break. Give up the things, even if for a short time, that cause you anxiety. This type of anxiety is born from fear (whether it’s fear of not doing enough, or childhood voices saying you are lazy). This type of anxiety is a conditioning and programming from the past. It lacks self-compassion. It’s exhausting.

Let’s find a way to break it. Allow your essence to breathe in nature and life without the constant chit chat of electronics and others. Have a magnificent easy days, my friends! You deserve it…mucho love!

Rough Mind Chatter

I have a bad habit.  Well, I have a few bad habits but this blog site is not equipped to be a confessional.  I have a tendency of shutting down when my brain can’t handle chit chat.  I can become rather quick in finishing others’ sentences.  I tend to rambunctiously ask a question and when the answer doesn’t come out quick enough (at the speed of light) I end up answering it myself…even if it’s wrong.  So I am trying to slow down (and abolish) this bad habit.  It doesn’t happen every day.  When it does I am realizing I just need to step back and not be with others.  Today is such a day.  Rather than lose my lack of patience with others I need to travel inside of me to see what is causing the brain fart and detachment.  Why is my brain circling in a vortex?  What is going on that I need to rush through? What is missing from my spirit?

I was programmed and trained by my past experiences (the CIA of Life) to be a multi-faceted, multi-tasker, multi-everything woman.  I could do just about anything at high speed.  I would be cleaning the house, home-schooling my children, cooking dinner, writing a paper for school, and magically running a successful business.  I don’t know how I did it.  I only know I don’t ever want to be that person.

I had a guest once point out that multi-tasking was not a good trait.  If you multi-task then you are only giving a percentage of your energy to a particular project.  If you multi-task you aren’t providing your 100% effort.  I believe this true.  I have to be conscious of what and how I do things while finishing one thing at a time (that goes with conversations as well).  I don’t have A.D.D.  I don’t suffer from Tourette’s Syndrome (although at times the words that come out of my mouth would indicate a contradiction).  I do suffer from impatience.  If I don’t get a good night’s rest, I get cranky.  If there are others expecting things from me that I can’t finish on time, I get cranky.  If it’s too damn cold and gloomy, I get cranky.  If people are dishonest with me, I get cranky.  If someone tries to force me to see things their way against my better judgment, I get really, really cranky and shut down.  Other than that I am pretty happy.

We are so wired to do so much to fit into our days.  We take short cuts to save time.  We use technology to facilitate with our days.  My question is where is all that time accumulated at that we spend saving by rushing through things?  When my brain starts going that fast because I am thinking of all else I need to do it is an indicator that I need to step away for a bit.  I have to take a walk, a hike or just sit in silence.  Something has to be done to stop my anxiety.  And, for the most part I am aware of it quickly when I step away.  The anxiety becomes the barometer for exploring a particular fear.  Usually this fear is about not finishing things to the best of my ability.  Once I pin point it I get to return to being a “nice person,” rather than a lunatic who thinks she knows all the answers.

I hope you find a place in your life where you can go and sit quietly when the chit chat starts to overwhelm you.  I gotta go be in nature now…the earth is calling.

Deliberate Craziness

I’ve been busy…inside my head.  Yes, we’ve had a major remodeling in one of our rooms that took over two weeks.  Yes, we’ve had guests come in and out, especially with a new phenomenal outdoor pizza oven.  Yes, I’ve been entertained in a new and wonderful relationship.  The busyness in my head has taken over full-time.  I haven’t been able to do my morning rituals as often as I normally do them.  I haven’t gone hiking in days.  I haven’t spent time playing outside in the creek picking up rocks and grounding myself.  The busyness in my head has been enough to keep me on a roller coaster ride.  I’ve created scenarios and drama that put a Broadway Show to shame.  I create my thoughts therefore I can delete them at any time.  Deliberate craziness doesn’t suite me!  It disrupts me in too many ways.

Yesterday I was returning from a short trip.  The plane was relatively full of great energy as opposed to the craziness I faced on Thursday evening.  Across from me there was this South American couple who had brought their child to Disney World.  They had the stuff animals, the t-shirts, and an array of endorsements coming out from the bottom of their seats.  The man sat in the middle; the woman sat on the aisle seat; and the little boy against the window.  I observed them for quite a while.   The manner in which they spoke to each other was terribly endearing.  South American couples have a way of speaking very proper Spanish that put us Caribbean folks to shame.  Their language and gestures are always slow and gentle.  It would be similar to listening to an English couple as opposed to an American one.

Couple on plane
Gentleness

At some point the woman found a nook against her husband and went to sleep.  Now, the sleeping part is common on a plane.  I had a lady snoring next to me.  The gentleness that came over this couple made me tear up.  He held his wife in a very loving manner while reading a magazine and still entertaining his son.  This is when I left my head.  I gave up with trying to figure anything else out.  I just took a picture with my phone and closed my eyes (and no, I am not into voyeurism but it was a very tender moment that needed further documentation).  I drifted for a little while.  I had to get the hell out of my intimate thoughts.  I was determined to give myself that gentleness that the woman found in her husband.  Even driving the hour and a half home from the airport I focused on the mountains, my breathing, and being gentle with my thoughts.

Busyness is habitual.  I know it well.  I also know when it’s time to get back to simplicity.  I returned to our retreat center to a wonderful lunch made by my best friend, joined by another amazing friend.  We sat outside for hours on the dock and talked.  Oh, it was a lovely afternoon.  No matter how far I go, how much I do, those intimate moments laughing with friends make the world a better place.  The busyness left me.  I was able to sleep peacefully last night.  I woke up to write extensively in my journal.  My candles have been lit, soft music plays in the background, and the earth is waking to another gorgeous mountain day.

Bobbie has a sign over the entrance of her front door, “Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.”  I love my life.  I can’t imagine it any other way.  But the past few months have been on overdrive and I am ready to start slowing it again.  Making each moment count is important to me.  The busyness in my little head is not!  May you find a space in your busy life to slow down and enjoy the moments because life is created by YOU.