Illumination

 

light

 

Yesterday I acquired a new elderly client. I went to the facility to meet him, sit with him, and hear his story. He is a sweet gentle man. Gentle beyond words! As we sat in the neatest and orderly room he shared tidbits of his life…sometimes forgetting details which he would apologize for. I reached over to his hands several times guiding him forward. Dementia is brutal when you are still aware that it’s happening.

He spoke of his wife and how she was the most remarkable woman he had ever met. He spoke of his children and the loss of one of them. He mentioned his career. And, in between the sentences, the gaps in memory, he allowed me to see the man he was and is today.  He lives with regrets which are clearly seen in his demeanor. He is a man of faith but that can only take you so far if you don’t forgive the past.

I drove home thinking about my own life and how I want to remember it in my later years. I caught myself crying at a light. Took me by surprise. I am way too emotional at times and my heart cracks open with each story I get to collect. I tend to them with care and learn the underlining meaning of what another can transport to me. I made a list of how I want to end this journey.

At the end of my life I want to look back and remember the magic I created. I want to have full awareness of how I walked the earth and all the teachers who touched me on this journey. I don’t want to beat myself up for not having a perfect body, for not making everyone happy, for not keeping some folks around, for not having done more, for not being enough….

I want to smile and recall the joy the world brought me. I pray to always acknowledge the love that was created. I want to look at the rear view mirror of my adventure with awe-stricken wonder for raising my children, loving wholeheartedly every one without judgment.

My only goal in life is to have no regrets, forgive… especially myself, and keep an open heart till my last breath. I want to make it a lifelong expedition to be led by all the light and stay in it until I become stardust again. And even then I hope that sparkles come from the smallest particle of earth guiding me to the next place. 

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Toxic Energy

In the desert of Africa there lives a wasp that preys on a specific spider. It stings the spider, paralyzing it, and then places her eggs inside of her to incubate. As the eggs grow the spider dies and it becomes a moist haven for the wasp babies to grow. Now, imagine if you will, all those people in your lives who sting you and paralyze you with toxic energy. They are incubating negativity, fear, anger, and an array of emotions that DO NOT and SHOULD NOT belong in your body. However, we do let them, don’t we?

As we watched this segment yesterday the spider did get away from the wasp, rolling down the desert sands and I cheered on internally, “Goooo little one, woohoo, you made it!” This is how I feel when someone comes at me with some toxic bs trying to penetrate their venom in me. I am done incubating other folks’ seeds of insecurity. I am done feeding the fears and anxiety.

When will you stop and move into freedom? You do not have to entertain every thought, criticism, judgment, and egotistical behavior. You do not own anything that is not yours. You are only responsible for your emotions. Sometimes these folks are masked as sweet and innocent. Sometimes just viciously mean. It’s up to you to roll out of their sight. You are magnificent intuitive beings.

Live inJOY! Send those wasps running else where. You own your body, mind, and spirit. No one else can do this for you! ~m.a.p.

The Weeper

The weeping willow tree has gone into shock,

losing its leaves,

dropping into the water the discards

of an endless fight with the earth’s emotional tyranny.

It’s sad. It’s dying. It’s empty.

I watch from my terrace

unable to fix it.

I’ve been there but without the cushion of water

to catch my fall

from the betrayal and shock.

My leaves don’t fall,

they stand firm against me,

wet with memories and frailty.

I cannot shed my outer shell

to rebuild new growth. I am not made that way.

I watch leaves dive slowly into the pond

as frogs jump onto the eviction of shade.

I know that the tearing of lifelessness can seem painful.

It tries to hang on each branch for as long as possible

and then it lets go of life

pouring into the vastness of loss.

Beauty resurfaces in the tiny presence of hope

that springs into the green of each shade of leaves.

I can witness the miracle.

I can justify its birth.

I can only wish to be that new rise of faith

that nature recycles with each organism.

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Divine’s Entrance

Love enters through doors

we did not recognized

leaving opened.

It breezes through old cracks,

within thin walls,

small ventilation,

masking as air

until one single breath

takes the heart by surprise.

Within each inhale of skin

and every exhale of life

sits this mystical gentle guest

whispering to the open soul,

“I am here.  Take me. Join me

without judgment, hesitations,

and be One with me.”

Winter’s Night

The wind is howling outside the door,

rattling the windows,

clawing everything in its way.

My mind seems to be on the same rhythm.

Thoughts rattle in my brain

things of regrets,

others full of appreciation.

 

I cannot return to the past

as spirituality pushes forward.

Lessons learned.

Some painful.

Some delicious.

Some expanding beliefs.

Others forcing the evolution

of love and forgiveness.

 

I have nothing but the rattle

against my insides

battling Ego against Self.

 

If I run from all that I know

I will still be with me.

If I stay with all that I know

I will still be with me.

 

I am human

made of mistakes,

grace,

love,

and other little things.

 

I have some knowings

that carry me back and forth.

I have this sound of space

with just a few subjects

banging,

scratching,

twirling,

lurking,

breaking

any sense of silence inside.

 

It’s been a long while

since the storm in my head

created a tornado.

 

I breathe in hope

exhaling like the wind

with hollow sounds.

 

Until I remove the belongings,

until I can patch the holes left,

I cannot move into peace

and my heart cannot heal…

so I wait for the wind to die down,

for the swirling to stop,

and my heart to catch up

to the awareness

this too shall pass

and what’s left is just a shallow

memory of one bad night in winter.

Accepting the Hot Mess

hot-mess

I am an emotional-intuitive soul. I rarely make correct decisions based on thinking, logic or what others think for me because they believe it will fix me. I have to feel whatever I am about to do. If it doesn’t feel right, I have learned to avoid it. If it feels good, I follow it even when it makes absolutely no sense to anyone else. I am moved by a “knowing” that I cannot explain. The older I get, the easier it is for me to base my decisions on that knowing.

I am also a runner. I have a pair of invisible worn-out running sneakers with me at all times. I have a hard time dealing with things that don’t feel good, right, or acceptable. I have a hard time sitting and patiently waiting for the feeling to subside…so my natural instinct is to haul ass as fast as possible. I put Speedy Gonzalez to shame!  This is not a characteristic that should be applaud.  This is merely a survival instinct that allows me to deal with discomfort in a quick manner.

Between being emotional and a long distance runner, I can get myself on an emotional roller coaster that feels like I am living in an eternal (internal) hell. Even though others might not recognize it, because I am excellent about hiding my emotions, and diving into someone else’s issues (of course to avoid my hot messes), I tend to deal with my emotions in a destructive manner. God forbid I face my discomfort with the same openness and love I give everyone else.  Nurturing everyone else is so delicious. Me…nahhh…not the best feeling at times!

But, this is what I am learning in the past few months. It’s become very clear that I have the ability to sit in the annoyance, displeasure, frustration and muck, while surviving the duration. I have seen myself grow through the process. If I run, I am not growing. If I stay, I get depress but it eventually dwindles and I come out of the challenge with a stronger spiritual bonding with my higher self.

Let’s face it, life is magnificent and crappy and delicious and challenging and so many other things that make us want to just give up one moment and cheer with passion on another. It’s all a giant emotional roller coaster, especially for someone like me who is moved by emotions.

My two year old a few months ago said to me from the backseat of the car, “Mama, you a hot mess!” It came out of nowhere. I looked at her through the rear view mirror and asked, “Why do you say that, Kali bug? Why am I a hot mess?” Her answer was quite ingenious, “Cause!” And she went on to look at the trees and ask for her doll.

“Cause!”

Cause life is stupendous and annoying and yummy and messy all at once. That’s why! I don’t pretend to be perfect or normal by social status. I am a hot mess of emotions and must accept the ups and downs of who I am. I avoid implementing my feelings onto others. But, when a two year old can see my frequency and feel my vibration, I recognize that I am not hiding it from anyone. I am just pretending. I am in complete avoidance and oblivion.

Whenever I see another who has the same emotional mapping I am attracted to them. They don’t seem like a hot mess to me. They seem like souls who need a nudge, a cheerleader, and someone to hold their hand. I don’t need to say anything, because they will change from one moment to another. I just need to acknowledge them, create a safe space for landing until the next thing that will catapult them into a frenzy. That’s the beauty of the emotional being…we are serendipitous and move through a different realm of acceptance.

And, that’s the answer. Acceptance.

When I finally accept myself, becoming aware of who I am without needing to conform to those around me, I am willing to change and expand. I can sit with the discomfort, dive into the hot spring of messes and just be. It’s okay. I don’t have to run because I can’t explain my knowing. I don’t have to hide because I can’t live in the sadness or the joy when it doesn’t feel right to another. I just have to surf the wave of emotions. I feel for all those who understand this process. I know you get it cause you, too, are constantly in the flux of feelings and knowings without making sense of it with critical thinking.

And…let’s face it, it’s hard to live with someone else who doesn’t understand the feelings that come in and out within a five minute span of time.  It’s torture for the other person because they want to understand the logic behind the “knowing and feelings.”

Embrace your hot mess, your loving status, and everything in between. Use your senses and your inner guidance to follow the yellow brick road. Stop making life so difficult. You have the innate ability to be the best version of you without others dictating it. If it feels good…do it!  When you finally surrender into who you are, life invites you to live in sheer joy of freedom!

Our bodies have five senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, hearing. But not to be overlooked are the senses of our souls: intuition, peace, foresight, trust, empathy. The differences between people lie in their use of these senses; most people don’t know anything about the inner senses while a few people rely on them just as they rely on their physical senses, and in fact probably even more.” ~ C. JoyBell C.

How to Release Your Inner Child

dress up

We are adults with responsibilities. We forget to take time to play. In the avoidance of listening to your inner child, you begin to experience stress, illnesses, depression, frustration, and anger. We hear from way back there the voices that tell us, “Grow up already! You are not a kid anymore. Stop acting like one. You cannot have it all.” Oh, and there are so many other sentences, commands, judgments, criticisms and passive aggressive behaviors that others instill in us.  You have forgotten that you wanted to be a policeman, a fireman, a dancer or the President of the United States.  You have forgotten that you wanted a big wheel, a Barbie dream house or a trampoline.  You stopped wanting because you were disappointed.  You stopped believing in Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, and fairy tales.  And, in the process to adulthood, you stopped believing that you are magical and can do anything you want.

There is a way to connect with your inner child. There are ways to tap into that little child and ask him or her to show you those things you have forgotten.  You can still live a fairy loving life. You can still have the things you wanted.  Tell your ego to sit down and e quiet cause you have some fun work to perform.

Here are 7 ways to reconnect with your little person:

1. Time travel.

Sit or lay comfortably. Allow your mind to go to a time that was carefree. Let’s return to a memory in your childhood. Write these details down without stopping the flow of the traveling experience. How old are you? Where are you? What are you doing? Hold on to those feelings. Allow yourself to visit there a few times a week. Each time you return to that specific scene or event give yourself permission to be 3 or 6 or 11. The beauty of time travel is that it’s free and you can do it from anywhere. Ask your higher guidance to show you what was so magical about that time that you remember so vividly.

2. Make a date with yourself.

There is still a little girl or boy taking up residency inside of you. Notice how you get when you see a child play with a Barbie or a truck, and remember those feelings. The best way to reconnect with your soul is by taking time to play. Make a date with your inner child to do those things that brought you laughter. You can go to a playground and swing. You can go bowling, or play basketball. You may break open the old board games and start there. Go bicycling or skating. Play in nature, barefooted and run through creeks. You don’t have to do these things with anyone. Have a tea party for yourself or invite others who want to reconnect with youth. But, these are mini dates that require only you and your inner child.

3. Get goofy.

When did you stop being fun? When was the last time you gave yourself permission to be carefree? When did you start dressing up like an adult and stopped being a child? There are no rules to how you are suppose to act. Your inner child craves for laughter. He/she desperately tries to show you a good time and you begin to feel guilty. Once again, you let the voices from the past dictate your feelings. Try wearing different pairs of funky socks. Wear a tutu. Color your hair. Dress however you want. Buy some Playdo and create. Draw, paint, and allow your child to come to you with all the joys it once did. You make your own rules. No adulting allowed during this process.

4. Write a letter.

Not everyone remembers having a healthy and loving childhood. Many of us come from broken homes, addiction, abuse, and poverty. But, there is always a memory of something loving and joyful. Take a pen and paper and write a letter from your adult self to your inner child. Use the hand that you never write with (this will force you to use small words and sentences like a child). Give your inner self advice for the future. Tell that little one how things will turn out. Give him/her permission to remain a child as long as possible. Let him/her know that the fears you had then are okay but they didn’t dictate your life. Ask for forgiveness if you need to. Sometimes we don’t know how badly we treat our childhood. You get to reassure your inner child that you have done the best for him/her.

5. Nurture your inner child.

Children cry when they are sad. They have tantrums when they aren’t being heard. They get angry when they don’t get their way. Nurture your inner child by allowing your adult to release feelings. Children don’t hold back. If you feel like crying, do so. If you feel like laughing, do it. You owe no one any excuse for being you. Write those feelings down.  Take time to be alone and read a child story.  Return to the places that made you feel whole again.

6. Be a parent to your inner child.

If your parent never celebrated your birthday when you were young, throw yourself a party. If they never took you to the beach, make it a road trip now. If you never got that specific doll, go find it on Ebay. If you were never rewarded for good grades, being awesome in school, then now take yourself to dinner. Give yourself the moments that you didn’t get in childhood. You get to celebrate and reward the inner child. You can let that little girl/boy know that you are proud of him/her.

7. Have fun.

This is the best thing you can give your inner child. Start seeing the world through your inner child’s perception. Marvel at the magic in the world. Invite others to join you. Surround yourself by beautiful and simple things. Declutter your space. Make your home a sanctuary. Start figuring out what you want to do now. If you have been stuck in a job you hate, it’s time to make a plan. If you are in a relationship that isn’t allowing you to grow, it has to come to a change. If you have children and you’ve been too much of a disciplinary adult, begin to play with them. You want to learn and follow children. They will always teach you how to see the world from a different reality.  Children require very little but time and imagination.

Your inner child has been patiently waiting for you to adjust your crown, your robe, your tutu, and your dancing shoes. You have the ability to retell your stories by returning to Source. You get to show your inner child that you will honor the dreams and aspiration. It’s time to put him or her in charge of your future. The more you play, the lighter you will feel and the more love you attract. You are divine beings nurtured by essence of joy. Start feeling it!