I’ve had people in my past constantly telling me how I am in my imperfections: “You are broken. You need to fix this and that about you in order to move forward. You have to figure this out the right way without your nonsense. You have to allow for this and that because you are doing it the wrong way….” For most part of my adult life I happened to believe this Broken Theory and the need to fix, not only me, but others around me so that I didn’t feel broken. The truth is that I am not broken. I don’t need fixing. This is who I am and who I intend to travel down the road of life. Each part of me that has fallen, ached, fractured has also gotten herself up, healed and been whole. I am not needing to fix anything else. That desire to be super woman has diminished with time. Peace comes in accepting who I am with what I am and where I am with my truth.
You ARE NOT broken. You are learning. You are evolving. You are growing into the person you are meant to be. You are challenging your higher purpose and self. You are moving through this life with the things that matter: an open heart, wisdom, compassion, faith and grace. There is a constant focus in our society that we need to better ourselves at all times. We need to diet, avoid getting old, work ourselves into early graves, and never take the time to just sit with disappointments, obstacles, and mistakes. God forbid we actually acknowledge the dark side in ourselves! It is exhausting to think, that as a whole, we must take medicine, hide our imperfections, and avoid anything that pauses us into a state of deep awareness. We have such an imbalance in the body, the mind and the spirit because we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for answers that are already inside of us. We are not broken in the way that others have wanted us to believe. We are moving slowly, transitioning into another place, with each passing moment we are getting to know the truth in ourselves. We are embracing authenticity and all the beauty it has for us. This mass consciousness is never easy but to accept the labels of “brokenness or needing fixing,” well that is just unacceptable.
As I keep returning to the memoir that I need to complete, I keep finding all those parts that others insisted were broken in me. Each time I return to edit and add I get physically ill and must stop the process. I believe I am passed the point of accepting the Broken Theory. And, for this month I will allow myself the gift of moving inward without distractions. I will not be on social media. I will not be posting on this site. Every few months I need the serene world of myself.
As we move through this next month allow yourself the moments of falling helplessly onto a sofa, a bed, and covering your head if that’s where you are in your life. This will pass! We must distant ourselves from others at times. It requires solitary confinement, peace, and lack of distractions. You will get there. First, stop accepting that you cannot get through this. Secondly, stop feeling that there is something horribly wrong with yourself. And, thirdly, the fixation of perfection is overrated. Who the hell wants to be like anyone else? You are magically beautiful. You are stupendously gorgeous. And you are the most AWEsomest person you will ever know. You are the Oneness of it all. Stop focusing on what isn’t. Accept what is and move on. You got this! After all the Divine doesn’t make mistakes!!!!
I ask that you be gentle with yourself this month. Let the month of “Love” be about loving yourself first and foremost. There is beauty in this truth. I promise that when you feel the light of Oneness in you others will begin to feel that as well because it starts with You. Mucho love, my friends!
I’ve hit a new over-achieving goal. I have never been this exhausted before that even my sleep time is tired of not sleeping. My eyes are filled with heaviness and it takes all of me to keep them open. I was once described as the “energizer bunny.” I now know what a battery feels like when it is drained of power except my emotions are accountable while the battery just dies. I don’t know where the energy in me sipping out of and onto. Life keeps moving every second I am forced to move along the escalator ~ going up and down whenever. I hope this is not permanent. I don’t remember this feeling of pure nothingness along with an achy body. It feels as if every cell has given up on me, not even generating new ones. And, I hear myself and the negative thoughts I hate with a passion. This is not me! I hate complaining and I despise this feeling of giving up to everything. Even my passions and desires are in an over extended fatigue. They require a higher vibration that I can’t seem to acquire at this time. But, I am up and writing and watching a baby eat cereal while throwing half of them to the floor for the dog. I am up and willing to give it another day, another night and another chance. I just don’t know when I will be me again. When will I feel the energy and zest I have had for so long? I am too young for this and too old to know better. I have rough edges now that I didn’t before this year. It’s as if the softness in me has been torn apart leaving me raw forcing me to examine intricate parts of me that my psyche had been covering.
I want to examine this “exhaustion” as the ending of an old me. I want to believe it’s like chemo burning all the toxic and rebuilding. Endings are crucial, mystical and abstract in so many levels. I want to believe that by being depleted there’s a purpose because I will be substituted with grace, strength and wisdom. This exhaustion is part of the process of eliminating everything from the past and rebuilding with new materials a healthy future. I want this eternal tiredness to be a part of painful growth that’s almost ending. I have to believe from the core of my new rawness and pain that this is a temporary ailment of spiritual evolution. My spirit is showing me that I am more than I can ever credit myself for being.
Last night I went to pick my best friend up at the airport as she’s been gone for over two weeks working. For an hour an a half on the way home we spoke about my disappearing from social media and the disconnection from friends. I expressed my “concerns” with some of my children who have mental issues and feeling as if I was being under a microscope with regards to my grand-daughter. She expressed with great wisdom, “No matter what you do these people will continue to think and say what they feel like saying. You need to live as authentic as you always have. This is nonsense! You have been in hiding. No wonder you’ve been sick and exhausted. I am exhausted knowing what’s coming and seeing you move through every day with the lack of energy that’s not you at all. You are an amazing mother and a wise woman. Do what you need to do to live your truth. They will say and do whatever they feel like because they are not well.” She said a few other things that made me come home and truly inhale. I went into a deep sleep but sometime in the middle of the morning it hit me and I exhaled out loud, “I’ve been in hiding and it’s not worth it. No wonder I am exhausted. I will never be perfect for anyone. I need to live for me.” You can’t fix crazy. I know this. I have a PhD on this subject. And, just like that I realized I couldn’t continue to feel the claws of depression and uncertainty around my neck strangulating every sell from oxygen.
I found a letter from an old friend in a forgotten pocket of my wallet the other day. It was a message that I needed to read after all this time. And, today, just like that I got it:
“My wish for you is to fall in love. Fall in love with yourself, darling, in a way that allows that illuminating light of love to shine onto others. Fall madly in love with yourself in the way you fall in love with nature. Let the world be your lover. Be in love with the universe. Radiate the presence of forgiveness, understanding, and compassion that’s always inside of you. I wish you to fall so profoundly that nothing will hurt you ever again when it pertains to a relationship: any type of love, not just a lover but a child, a parent, and a friend. You have learned that pain and disappointments are just experiences to teach you about the different facets of your soul. I wasn’t your greatest love. I was the catalyst for you to experience it. You ARE your greatest love. Look in the mirror and watch the lover in you reflecting….”
Exhaustion is a reminder that I am human and cannot take on anymore than what my spirit can handle. The body has gone on shut-down mode for a reason. I have to honor this moment. I am fortunate to have a mate who steps up to the plate and a friend who follows the flow of my needs. It’s all part of the growth. And, for now I am reminded of a saying in a store that my friend showed me today. “The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.” I am listening!!!!
There is a saying that most people use when trying to make a point about certainty, “I know it (him/her) like the back of my hand.” I haven’t really spent too much time knowing the back of my hand to be honest. I, mean, if it was on a picture among other hands I would know mine (I think). I don’t know why we use this jargon. I also don’t know anyone that well. I don’t even know myself completely. Who does? Do you truly know yourself? Or, are you ever changing, evolving, transforming and moving in a way that surprises you? It sure surprises me.
I have said in many conversations that if “so and so happened to me I would react in such a manner.” Whenever the Universe has provided a similar event, as an opportunity to grow, I have reacted completely different. How I think and how I react are sometimes opposites. I can’t really say anything for certain. My life is forever changing. All the shifts push me to think diversely because asymmetrically things are defining everything I think I should become in order to be happy. It is truly ridiculous to entertain an idea and sit with it until it happens to you. I am learning not to attach myself to any clichés. I don’t know myself that well. The balance, the symmetry, and the idea of perfection is an illusion!
Life has a way of challenging our psyche. It pushes us to a breaking point. It causes us to see the world in a different manner to experience empathy with our spirit. Just when I think I know something about me that is certain there is a new lesson guiding me to expand my thoughts, reactions, and outcomes. I believe patience is born from these moments. We get the opportunity to expand our perceptions.
Yesterday I was going through the “catch all” junk drawer in my room. I found a picture of me with my kids when they were younger. My ex and I took them on a cruise in May of 2007. Everyone in the picture looks happy. If you look closely, even through my smile, there is a sadness that yells out, “I can’t do this charade any longer!” We are all standing in front of a field in Old San Juan. It is the perfect picture for a perfect vacation. I don’t even know why I had kept that particular picture on this drawer. I realized at that moment, while closely observing the faces, that my ex wasn’t happy at all. He was hiding secrets behind his smile. I was lamenting them and holding on to some belief that someone was going to pull me out of that relationship. Funny how, in knowing myself, I really had no clue. A picture captures the physical part of the world, but it also freezes a moment forever. Who truly knows themselves?
I stared at that picture for the longest time. I could see the exhaustion and tension inside of me. Five of our six children stood there posing for the hundredth time. They were hungry, hot, tired, and just wanted to run around. I wanted to sit and do nothing. My ex wanted to explore the jail and reminisce of Cuba. I was a different person then. If I think I don’t know myself well enough now, I know I knew nothing about that woman standing in the photograph.
If someone had shown me this picture about another family I am sure I would have commented on something esoteric. Like, “look at the way the woman’s eyes seem sad. Or, look at the detachment from the man. Or, those kids look nothing alike.” And then my humanness would have commented, “Why would anyone want such a big family? How does one travel with that many kids?” I would have judged the idea of what we think we know. The truth is we know nothing. We know even less when ego gets a hold of us in a moment of frenzy.
There is no originality to me that stays grounded forever. I am ever changing. Events, problems, experiences and people are constantly pushing the cycle of my evolution. Spiritually, physically and emotionally I am not the same person I was yesterday holding that picture, tracing each face with my index finger (that one that I truly don’t know very well). I know nothing of what it is to know certainty. There is no certainty. There is just this moment, this key stroke, this word, and this middle-aged woman opening her thoughts and heart to you. I search for the moment of enlightenment as Lao Tzu expresses, “He who knows others is wise; he who knows himself is enlightened.” Until that moment I am learning to move with the flow of life…have a blessed day!