Moon Bathing

The moon woke me from a deep slumber in the early hours of morning luring me outside. I sat on my deck inhaling its energy. It was a clear night. I could see the stars brightly shining on our property. The breeze danced through the trees in the forest. The wind chimes sang their songs. Each breath I took seem to lead me into prayer and then deeper into meditation. I closed my eyes and began giving all to the light. I opened my heart widely and poured out the love to the universe.

I could feel the vibration from the light healing me, reactivating intuition, and sending me to a place of peace. I live for these moments in full connection and harmony with nature. There is presence. I heard ruffling below as if I had an audience witnessing this bathing of my soul.

What happens when we open so widely to the world around us? Every single cell expands in gratitude. We become magic. We embody the mysticism of all there is and ever was.

I was out there for a long while. Time passed without consent. I don’t know where I went. I don’t know how I got to the place of serenity that encompasses my divinity. I am grateful not to have to logically figure it out. I don’t need to. God is an omnipotence force that embraces every cell in me. I am changed because I trust and release. I am whole because I faithfully believe.

The wind kissed me often, chilling me to the bone, then warming me back to life. It played with me for a long while until I had to come in even on a humid summer morning. I returned to the womb state cocooned in the comfort of my bed.

There was a mystical force under that moon so powerful that I could have stayed there forever. I saw me. I saw the world in that moon.

There is a collective shift that feels mystical. We are evolving into higher dimensions. We are expanding into our truths. We are BEcoming what we came here to BE. We are truly on the edge of something powerful. It started a few years ago and now I am witnessing as it moves quicker. Manifesting faster. Letting go without resistance. Metamorphosing into all that we are required to be.

Allow yourself time to moon bathe. Give yourself permission to listen to all parts of you under the night sky. When all else is quiet you can feel your truth rise to salute you. It’s not just magical, it’s part of your existence. Release and surrender. You are not surviving. You are living in divine light, experiencing through love, lessons and ultimate humanitarian compassion. You still have tonight to experience this enchantment…go play. Dance in the moonlight!~ I love you.

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Solar Eclipse of the Heart

Ohhhh today’s Solar Eclipse!!!

Remember the 80s song Total Eclipse of the Heart?

Yeah…that!

Are you feeling the expansion?

Sweats, heart racing, nasty headaches, nausea and some other body spasms? The last few days have been a programming of ups and downs full of lots of emotions. Heart blasting ones. Memories from the past have felt like an eclipse of time.

You aren’t going crazy. There are several retrogrades in the cosmos as well. It’s some yummy intense energy in the esoteric realm pushing awareness and waking the body up. It’s asking (actually it’s begging) us to pay attention and open ourselves to love and truth.

How do we grow? Through discomfort most of the time. It’s unfortunate but a true observation.

Allow for these discomforts to show up and move on. Don’t overdo it. Be gentle with your body. Be kind to your thoughts. Meditate. Be still but do something that brings you joy. Stop beating yourself up for what you’ve done or don’t do. It’s truly remarkable to be in your spiritual body and recognize that this is not real. You are a spectator of your movies and drama. Do not second guess yourself.

Now go hug your spirit. It’s working really really really hard this week trying to stay in this human chaos.

I love you. Love yourself as well. Have a blessed day.

The Innocence of Pure Love

I was sitting outside with my classroom of babies. Next to me was my sweet volunteer grandmother who comes daily to help hold babies. She’s a bodacious gorgeous elderly black woman who has my heart stuck to hers. We watched a biracial child in the next playground crying. A sweet blonde little girl came and hugged her. Another black little girl hugged both of them. They are about 3 and 4 years old. They consoled one another in the most empathetic humanitarian way.

My gramma and I started to cry. We began to talk about compassion. She said to me, “Now you know if them babies’ parents were here they might not be so loving with each other!”

“Oh, sweetheart, I hope you are wrong. I know kids don’t see colors. They see love and kindness. And those little girls have grown up in homes that have taught them to reach out to others when they are hurting regardless of the color of their skin!”

She cleaned her tears. I cleaned mine as we continued watching three little girls hugging and moving around together.

“I hope these children light the way to our future generations.” I held her arm as I said it.

She put her head against mine, “Gurrllll! Me too. Change has to come. It has to happen. Cut all of us open and see that we the same inside. Same color runs through our bodies. There ain’t no difference of race.”

We must continue to teach love and acceptance to our children. I am witnessing new stories and experiences now. I’ve gone from stories of times behind us to stories in front of us. I’ve worked with the elderly population. I’ve been among those suffering with severe mental illness. I have had the privilege to see the worst and best in humanity. Now I’m reliving the beauty of innocence and how simply magical they see the world. All that’s common is the thread of love and compassion.

In the end all we want is love…to be accepted without judgment…and feel a sense of belonging.

Coming Into the Light

I had a moment that lasted over 8 weeks. And, it turned into an ongoing sense of grief. Nothing, including meditation, allowed me to step outside of myself. No amount of nature seemed to help soothe me either. I was taking things one moment at a time.

I hid it for over 5 weeks pretty well. I thought! I began to slowly retrieve into aloneness. I began to use excuses to be with me. The demands of motherhood to young children at the age of 50 is daunting at times. I’ve been a mother for over 30 years. And it’s in middle age that I am consciously seeing the true work of parenting with its detrimental future outcomes. I can see how every choice and action affects these little ones. I have lived it from my older adult children.

I began having a giant pity party…which I loathe with a passion. I just couldn’t get out of it. I couldn’t figure out what was causing my deterioration. I could not talk myself into moving past it. I could barely even verbalize it. I continued showing up as happy, loving and supportive. I continued to spread love and inspiration on a daily basis but inside I was miserable. I was not me. I was someone I no longer recognized.

I had to stop. I had to breathe and stop pretending that I was “fine” when I wasn’t. And, I had to stop bulldozing myself into feeling better. I was actually contradicting the law of attraction because I was focusing on the lack of everything. And to me…this is unacceptable.

How could I cheerlead the world when my sadness was consuming me? I am really good at hiding shit when I don’t want to deal with pain. It’s my default programming.

But I went with it. I entered the dark night of the soul with a vengeance. In all Aries-woman fashion I gave it my all. Not a healthy suggestion for anyone (I promise it’s not for sissies). I wanted no help. I demanded seclusion. I expected the world to just know this, accept it, and conform to it.

I am grateful for the love and support around me. I don’t know how my seclusion has affected those in my small circle. And to be honest, I just couldn’t deal with those extra emotional concerns. Luckily I have some incredible friends who honored my wishes. They listened to the silence and the in-between aches. They knew my soul needed to just be.

I started a new job which is physically demanding while putting on hold my dreams of working for myself being an Intuitive Life Coach and Story Tender. I have a new schedule which has taken adjustments. Relationships around me began to crumble because of my lack of time and attention. And, there have been other components that added to the sadness. Many other revelations that I’ve avoided for decades. I began to notice how I allowed disrespect in many areas of my life. This was not really new but I had become tolerant to it. The truth is that what we resist does persist. No way around it but through it.

I was spending too much time apologizing to others for not being available which then angered me for having to use my little reserved energy in reassuring others. It began to take its toll on me. It was a lot!

I also felt ashamed and guilty. I couldn’t deal with the complexities of being “selfish” with my me-time. I couldn’t understand why I was living Groundhog Day every single day. What was I manifesting by my emotions? What was I putting out there energetically? So I began to question the universe about everything, but I refused to wait for answers. Once again, all in Aries style!

I learned something invaluable: I had to make my world tiny and take care of every single need that required my attention. I needed to take care of me for once. And every time I would venture to help someone I would get sick. My body felt physically ill by the extra output. This has been new territory of exploration. I had to learn to be compassionate with myself first and foremost. I had to learn to give to myself in the same loving manner I give to others.

Things began to unravel in ways that had gone unnoticed beforehand. I began to see. Really witnessing what needed addressing and changes in my life. The outside distractions weren’t there to filter these events and situations.

I began to understand that I am a wizard at avoiding hard experiences. I began to accept I needed to address old traumas. I started to take things apart and re-examine them like a forensic psychologist. I dove into my psyche during lunch hours. I began to see things differently. I don’t think I’ve ever done such deep work with myself (by myself). Who wants to have to address stinky old crap? I tend to move forward and not dwell back there. I took calculated analysis of the how’s and why’s while turning them into powerful lessons. The deeper I walked into the dark forest the harder it was to turn around and find the exit…so I kept going….

Hardly sleeping. Barely eating. Not much writing (which is therapy for me). I just decided to put on a costume of joy for the 8 hours at work and then take it off when I was home. It required intense energy and concentration. It has been quite the existential adventure. I’ve walked with faith holding on to a thread of hope…that I could muster through the muck. I wanted to know where God had been through all of it.

(He was always there. The Divine is mysterious but we must take time to listen).

This is the epitome of self-care. If you must recluse do it without explanations. Our society has programmed us to be at everyone’s beg and call. Technology makes it so. We feel guilty for not answering the calls, emails, and messages. We underestimate our desires for aloneness and healing. The truth is that we don’t owe anyone anything. We are responsible for our emotions alone. I cannot help anyone else when I’m barely making it throughout my day. And yes, we have folks who count on us. Those need to be taken into account but the rest of the world can wait a bit. You need to take care of you. You need to put the oxygen mask on first in order to help those next you.

I can only lead myself in and out of the journey. I can share with you my stories, but I cannot tell you what you should do. You, alone, get to decide how you heal from hurt and traumas. You get to put on your armor and figure out when it’s time to fight the demons from the past.

Self-care is self-love. I felt it was not so much a need as much as a survival necessity. There were moments I would check out emotionally and my spiritual body would begin to slowly realign. I recognized that depression was definitely trying to teach me something about me. It was getting my attention and I was going to listen.

It’s been a powerful few months. Pretending was a facade I could no longer continue. Weeks off social media helped me focus on so many things. The moment I began to deal with years of denial and loss I began to take on a new outlook. I began to write letters to the universe for clarity and forgiveness. I began to see my way out of the thick and dark wilderness. I began to stop questioning my purpose and find the depth of passion for living.

Because there is purpose. There is magic. There is light. There is love. There is connection. There are so many reasons to live for on a daily basis.

May your real life be as wonderful as the one you live on social media because you deserve happiness. Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s actual authenticity. Speaking your truth to those around you is imperative. You deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself and not just for the world to witness. You deserve to be raw and unapologetic for all that you feel.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around here. I am slowly returning but without the tolerance for fake facades. This is me unapologetic. To pretend to be anything else is total bullshit. I promise to always be as real as I can be without static. I promise to keep showing up and provide a spec of light on a daily basis through this form of gathering.

Now you…get out there and shine. Let’s be lotus flowers emerging from the depth of muck and darkness into a new dawn.

We are moving through toughness

I sat with my coffee mug snuggled inside both my cold hands while I was in a lotus position on my sofa this morning. The only light in the room was a salt lamp. I felt the heat from the mug rise to my face.

I’ve been cold.

I’ve been lost.

I’ve been sad.

And I’ve been questioning every single thing in my life. I have been tracing and retracing decisions, analyzing them in a forensic manner. It’s not like me. Yet, for weeks I’ve done nothing but try to fix past choices.

I’ve gone back in dreams trying to redo wrongdoings and the outcome never changes.

I know this is beyond ridiculous. But one thing that has shown up is that I’ve let go of regrets and resentments during these moments. It has helped clear up old karmic connections.

I have cut cords and allowed things to just be.

I entered meditation earlier this morning. The sound of darkness engulfed me. I felt the sting of grief come up again. It’s been coming and going for a bit. I felt the five stages come up in intervals: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The meditation was more like a release than a sacred ritual. And, that’s okay too.

I have no reasons for moving through this dark night of the soul. I’ve gone through this so many other times. I don’t know why it has reappeared. But, I do know that it won’t just disappear until I allow its course without resistance. I must do the work in the same manner that I tell my personal clients during intuitive counseling sessions. I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot help another if I don’t walk the same paths of least resistance.

I have a new day job. I’m working with infants. It’s been several weeks. I’ve moved from mental health nightmares to pure light in newborns. It’s been draining and exuberant simultaneously. It’s a bizarre contradiction. My days are long and physically draining. Before this they were long and emotionally vampiric.

I’ve experienced the duality of what makes us human. I’ve seen darkness and, now, light. But a part of me is in the middle asking and demanding all sorts of answers from the cosmos.

A friend gave me an intuitive reading months ago. She said I would be entering one of the darkest periods of my life. I told her, while laughing, that I have experienced those before. It surely cannot be that bad. (What a way to contradict experiences before they even happen)! I promised her I would be gentle with myself. I don’t do victim mode at all. I have little patience for pity parties. Yet, here I am. I find myself struggling with the most mundane decisions: hair up or leave it down. So I try both ways and instead of choosing a style I spend part of my day obsessing with it. Up and down. And the same goes for what I wear, what I need to say, and what I should be doing with my life.

This is not me. I have the impatience of a two year old with myself. I get shit done. I move to the next thing. Not lately! It seems as of everything is moving in a slow escalator and I must wait to get to where I’m going because it’s full of people and I can’t pass them. I’m at the mercy of the universe.

I had to remove myself from social media. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted Instagram from my phone. In order to survive whatever this is I have to make my world super small. Except for those who need a session, I’ve had to cancel commitments, events and just concentrate on this very single moment.

This is not for sissies. I told a dear friend this weekend to check on her friends…the ones who suddenly disappear and retreat into their world because it’s dangerous. I feel the more awakened one becomes the more disconnection shows up from the 3D world. It’s hard not to question everything. It’s hard not to want logical answers for the reasons we must struggle.

I have endless questions and then have to remind myself to just be.

Darlings, I’m feeling your heaviness. I read your messages and emails. I feel the collective and how this spiritual ascension is triggering us all. We are having to revisit old crap. We are having to let go and forgive. It’s okay. You are not alone. I have to believe we will be better once we get to the other side of this. I feel it. But in the meantime allow for the discomfort. Make time to be alone. Put your tiny world in the utmost priority. Put yourself in a bubble of self love.

I am with you holding you in grace….

I love you!

Monk

I knew a monk. An ex-monk. He was a father to one of my daughter’s friend. Before I knew he was a monk I thought he was a saint. His daughter (and mine) both have mental disabilities. Even though they were 14 years old at the time they acted like 8 year olds with no sense of stability or safety. And when they got together it was challenging but I wanted her to have the same experiences as her siblings.

We would alternate visits. And each time I met him I was immediately calmed and collected. He was a sanctuary just by standing in front of me.

One day I asked for the secret. I had 6 kids all under 16 years in one house. Four of them with special needs. So he shared that he had been a monk in South America for many years, way before meeting his wife. And apparently, from my observations, he was still very monk like. He never lost that.

“When you no longer label the problem or situation, it dissipates. It has no power over you.”

“Your awareness is your reality.”

“Do not focus on the negative because you will continue receiving more of it. Focus on this moment of gratitude….”

There were so many messages.

This was over 15 years ago. But lately I am remembering a lot of the small lessons he would share with me. At the time I truly didn’t quite grasp his wisdom. I was stricken by constant anxiety believing I would never be a good enough mother to my kids. I ran a business with my ex that was extremely stressful. And we had money, and lots and lots of worries about all we owned. The more we made the more we bought and then worked like animals to sustain it.

There was no peace. There was zero spiritual awareness of what was important. We were lost in the material world and its worth. My ex needed a lot. And my life was centered around the children and his high-maintenance attitude.

When the monk would visit to get his daughter, or I would get her from his house, I felt a common energy flow of pure peace. There was the complete essence of now. Even with how difficult his daughter was at times.

I needed it. I would try and buy it. I did it all in order to sustain it. I wanted that peace and I would read about it. Study it. And chased after it with a vengeance. I was determined to find it in every religion and doctrine. In theory I became an expert on philosophy and how to attain peace.

Ha ha ha. And I never found it in those movies or books or talks.

It isn’t until you lose all that you think (and believe) you need that inner peace is truly birthed. That was a powerful lesson years later for me. And the wisdom began to visit through the nothingness. It began to reshape my spirit. I had to stop labeling and analyzing every single thing in my life.

Logic went out the window. Mysticism began to lead. Oh…and the magic that appeared in believing and allowing!

Today I remembered the monk dressed in his Bermuda shorts and polo shirts always ready to be in complete sacred presence.

I aspire for more of that in my life…Pure mindfulness and presence with all beings who share space with me. I aspire to love and be a messenger of love whenever the opportunity arises.

We need more of that calmness and sacredness now in our lives. In our country. In our world.

Thank you for your presence here joining me daily through your words and wisdom. The amount of sages on my social media feeds are delicious. We are all aspiring for peace, love and the inner light of grace.

Tribute to Women

To all my lady friends who are moving through difficult or challenging times please remember this:

We are women of strength, substance and adventure. We conquer our destinies while savoring the journey. We do not allow another to dictate our worth. We have learned through the past, ancestors, and our own experiences how to reinvent ourselves; how to find joy through the creative knowings; how to love deeply and move on; how to listen to the whispers of our divine spirit.

We have learned the art of forgiveness, release, picking up the pieces of what is fragmented and not allowing another to determine how long we must remain in darkness. We have found that light and dark are the balance of our existence. We hold these tributes to every obstacle that has been put in our way.

My Goodness…we are fabulous! Look at us. We are goddesses. We may fall, scrape our knees, and get our fragile bodies back in business because we are the collective One. We are the feminine energy that is now needed to heal this planet. We are shifting the Great Mother into some amazing times.

And how do we begin to do that?

By healing our own hearts and taking that frequency outwards into the world. By helping the beautiful men in our lives to heal as well and showing them their most delicious powers. We are reminding them that we need each other…not one side more than the other. Because…. Together we rise into a new wave of love and respect.

There is no us and them. It’s a collaboration of masculine and feminine energy that will create a massive conscious shift in our timelines.

Thank you for being in my tribe. I love you all! You become mirror reflections of what I need, have become and will continue to evolve into. It’s truly an honor to be walking this life alongside you.

It’s a magical time to witness our existence….