The Return

 

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Something woke

again

after a long sleep of doubts,

anger, hurt and questions

that buried me

inside an open tomb,

leaving the exposure to heal

with the openness of One.

I had forgotten my power,

the thoughts that co-create

with the universal aid of intentions;

those same delicious frequencies

that magically take me here and there.

I had forgotten

waking up with such joy

that I skip out of my room

while bones crack and stretch

reminding me to slow down.

I don’t care.

This is the meaning of living.

This is the ebb of sorrow and joy

taking it all and pasting it back together

without giving up.

It’s easier to give in,

give out, give up, and forget.

No more!

I have been sleeping in such darkness

for too long and allowing no one

to turn on the light.

I needed to feel the switch,

pass my hands through its coldness,

in the rawness of despair,

so I could turn it on…so I could do it alone.

Clarity arrives with rest and prayer.

Awareness returns with faith.

I hear the ringing of truth in one ear.

I see the element of surprise ahead.

I taste the juices of excitement.

I smell the sweetness of success…

for all that I have put out into the openness.

I’ve returned.

I am home in me again.

It’s been a long time…too long.

The heart echos softly, “Welcome back!”

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Reminder of Living Fully

owning our feelings

What an amazing reminder….

For a great part of my life I blamed my circumstances (which were pivotal lessons in my growth) on another. I felt “stuck” and blamed the other person. I felt as if I was surviving and not living because of them. Freedom finally arrived when I saw them as teachers and took responsibility for the choices I made, the decisions I participated in, and the life I was living. Sure…it is a lot easier to blame someone else for our life not being how we envision it.  Sure…it is comforting to sit back and point to another for “ruining” our journey.  Sure…it is easier to be a martyr and victim than to fully take on those things and move forward with grace.  Grace is hard.  Moving on through the storm is painful at times.  But, when you own those feelings the illusion of blame and control go out the window. That’s an awareness that arrives with a sense of independence and no one or anything can replace it…ever again! This is where healing begins.

I am constantly being shown that the life I chose to lead was a blessing.  It has brought me here, to this point of my life and I must embrace it.  Every thought and action has pointed to this very moment.  I am the oldest I’ve ever been.  And, with each passing day I realize that freedom arrives in the form of forgiveness and letting go.  You are not responsible for anyone but yourself.  And, no one is responsible for you or your mishaps.  Things happen in the order that they do because they have been carefully orchestrated to move you to the highest possible awareness of the self.

I remember saying this to someone at some point a few years ago.  “Everything that has happened to me has been to enrich the evolution of my spirit.”  The woman immediately looked at me and said, “Really?  Even your rape was for the evolution of your spirit?”  (This was asked in a very patronizing tone). I recalled smiling and answered, “Especially the rape and every form of abuse thereafter because I am this person today due to the circumstances of my past.  I am not a victim.  I am a survivor.  The stories we share are molded to feelings: reactions, pity, joy, learning, teaching, and so on.  We share them because those stories are who we are.  We continue to share them because they must be removed from the depth of us in order to move on.”  I don’t think she agreed with me.  She continued to blame another for the “horrible things” that happened to her.  And, those were her stories.  We all have them.  They make our psyche, feeding Ego, and drowning Spirit.

So, as a reminder of what we are and who we can be…this very moment is a lesson.  Tomorrow will arrive with a different one once we release the old patterns of thoughts and feelings.  Blame serves no one.  Forgiveness is not for anyone else but yourself.  Stop carrying around the past on your back.  That backpack can’t hold anymore crap…!  Have a great Saturday.

…Until you walk in my shoes

love is the absenceWhenever I feel an attack I become a recluse.  My hermit ways grab a hold of me and I escape into a world of silence.  After releasing it writing about it comes natural.  Judgment has many complexities.  It is about our own intuition and perception.  It is also about wisdom, telltale, warnings and consultation.  Judgment is also painful, opinionating, deceitful and full of many false criticisms.  It can destroy relationships, friendships and anything it comes in contact within the umbrella of gossip.  We are all subject to it.  No one is exempted from it. And, this simple noun, with all its complexities, rises and grabs us hold.  We are forced to step back and re-evaluate, not only others but ourselves in the process of relating to them.

When we are emotionally unavailable life is a huge struggle.  We show the strength in our spirit as soon as the walls start to cave around us.  Strength is not shown in moments of comfort and happiness.  It appears in moments of trials and difficulties through the courage of letting go. Judgment and criticism are catalysts to stepping back and watching the ego take the lead.  Challenges push us to stay in hot water and brew to develop into something magically unavailable to us in other instances of our lives.  We become authentically in nature if we allow the self to live in honesty while honoring our truths.  The judgments from others can’t really hurt us if we are grounded in authenticity.  I always say out loud when I am making a point, “I know my truth!”  That knowing comes from divinity.

I believe that we learn through the challenges of feelings.  We are pushed to escape our egos and allow the Divine to help.  When things are going well we rarely go to Spirit.  It’s as if we need to find pain in order to fall on our knees and get closer to God.  It’s ironic.  The lower you are the higher you become.   Being emotionally honest allows the freedom to celebrate Spirit, the core essence of our being.   I find that the older I get the more emotionally available I become with myself.  I am not running.  I embrace the emotions, sometimes holding them too tightly to finally allowing them to subside.  My humanness craves for the liberation of principle.  I am accepting me in the perfection of being the best version of me there is in this world.

A few things I have learned from the vile of other’s opinions.  And, here are quotes that fit any situation that causes us to step into the uncertainty of criticism and how it affects us.  Unless you’ve walked in my shoes, you cannot know how I will react, and vice versa.

– “Do not wait for the last judgment. It comes every day.” – Albert Camus

– “People hasten to judge in order not to be judged themselves.” – Albert Camus

– “Never look down on anybody unless you’re helping them up.” – Jesse Jackson

– “We judge others instantly by their clothes, their cars, their appearance, their race, their education, their social status. The list is endless. What gets me is that most people decide who another person is before they have even spoken to them. What’s even worse is that these same people decide who someone else is, and don’t even know who they are themselves.” – Ashely Lorenzana

– “I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.” – Douglas Pagels

– “Don’t judge a man by his opinions, but what his opinions have made of him.” – Georg Christoph Lichetenber

Sadly enough there’s no return from gossip and judgment.  Once it is out there it is difficult to deny it.  The only thing one must do is keep moving to the best of your own judgment.  All the great masters expressed that the secret to compassion is to turn the other cheek.   We must give thanks for those teachers who hurt us and push us to expand our hearts.  Our hearts have to break, pain has to be somewhat present, and then we grow.  I’ve come to realize that’s how it is with love and God.  There is such beauty in allowing the truth to come through our weakness.  The more we allow ourselves to feel the discomfort, the easier the journey becomes.  I vow to become more emotionally honest and speak up when the pain appears, when joy embraces me, and when Spirit speaks to me.  I wish you freedom as you gift yourself the ability to honor all emotions and live authentically.  Life is too short to pretend, hide, neglect and reject the emotional roads that lead to truth.  Judgment, or not, the choice is always yours…until you walk in my shoes I will not allow you to dictate my emotions.  Ultimately you are only responsible for one person…YOU!

Playground

Your hands guide me
Into the world
Between dark and light
Where I stand alone
Pressed against another
Time falling into yearning,
Desires, gaps of intimate
Dreams created in novels
And you witness
My come and go,
Rise and fall….

Your eyes search
For a confirmation
That a line isn’t crossed
Where we won’t meet
With imbalance,
Rejection, judgment
And pain.
I am gone while you
Pull and push your way
Through this fantasy world.
I don’t think I will ever
Be the same
Because you brought
Play into my ground.