The other day a friend of mine stopped by to bring the baby some Valentine’s Day gifts. He and his girlfriend love our baby girl fiercely. This time when we spoke he was better than I have seen him in a long time. His energy was clear. He was on fire as he shared his recent accomplishment with his business while detailing the ins and outs of his goals. I told him that I was so happy because the last few times we visited he seemed truly depressed, down on his luck, and the feeling of overwhelming dread. Even though he always kept his spunky personality up, I could read through the charades. I understand what it is to put up a front. I also understand what it feels like to know there’s something more to the present circumstances. It takes time to come to terms with loss and then rise to the new passions of endless possibilities. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel but you can truly reinvent yourself.
We shared stories about loss, the destitution of having had money and then depending on others fore bare necessities. He shared how he had to be stripped of everything, including his car. This I know very well since I had to get rid of everything years ago. And, it is in that vulnerability and nakedness that power is born. We have no choice but to go up. So, to hear him express his newly business passion was awesome. It made me hopeful for my own goals. This period of time of uncertainty has slowly been passing. Doing nothing has allowed my spirit to chill and make no sudden irrational changes. I feel a mystical transformation arriving and it feels good. Having my friend here was like having my own personal motivational speaker while being a cheerleader and pulling me with his newly found glee. I, too, was left on fire with hope of a new way to reinvent myself.
Somehow we forget to surrender. When we are in a depression, embraced by anger and disappointments, we forget to just let go completely. It’s easier that way but we choose to fight easiness all the way to the bank. Often times we don’t allow ourselves the break of just being. Things will work out! My friend needed that time in order to find what really mattered. He had lived a successful life for many years. I believe he had to experience the side most people live on a daily basis. We all struggle through these economic times, personal losses, and the hardships of parenthood and adulthood. Many of us have to be stripped of everything materialistic in order to allow the ego to shut up. When you lose the extra baggage something magical happens: you are left to ask Spirit for help through an open heart of love. The money follows passion for helping others. You want others to succeed. You want others to have abundance with the freedom to pay it forward as well. We become vacant of everything but what truly matters to the soul. It is then that the authentic self rises to the occasion and a new person is born.
I have had several moments in the past few months when I have doubted my own professional path. “What am I doing here? Why am I still in this place without barely making ends meet? What am I suppose to be doing? What can I do to to bring passion to my life again? How can I contribute to my life’s purpose? What am I waiting for?” I know in the core of my essence I wasn’t put here just to pay bills and suffer month to month wondering if we will make it through another winter. I know nothing during those times of mind struggle. I have nothing….oh, the questions and answers move around in a vortex. It is through meditation that I find peace and quietness to deal with the nothingness and feel no guilt for wanting to stay there. And, it is also through the winters that I find the real meaning of what comes next.
Today, remembering my friend, I am cutting myself some slack. I am sitting back watching the icy grounds, the sun melting the droplets from the trees, and enjoying the quietness of a winter mountain day. I am able to hear my little girl playing in her room, humming to herself, and every so often coming to sit on my lap. We have watched the dog run across the snow in the front lawn. We have laughed. I have no plans for today. I am cutting myself slack for the constant need of doing something productive. I don’t have to know the answers to my life this minute. I don’t have to know what will happen tomorrow. It’s in this nakedness of nothing and acceptance that I can enjoy today. I keep letting go.
For the first time in months I am sleeping better. I am falling asleep and staying in dreamland throughout the night. The moment last week that I allowed myself to listen to his story I was reminded that I have been there…and now I am here. Give yourself permission to not have all the answers. But at the same time take time to meditate and reach the level of passion for the life you want. You have been placed on this earth for greatness…no matter what you do make it great!