It’s Getting Real

Without busyness a lot of our shadow self emerges. Things we’ve not dealt with come up and out. They get magnified. We are confined with others who are also experiencing their own shi(f)t.

I am sure there will be many separations and divorces when we return to our previous lifelines. There will be many who may find themselves picking up a vice (or two) in order to suppress the event. There may be abuse involved and lots of low vibrational challenges ahead.

Take a breather. Return to this memory. Step back from it all. Recognize truth. You will be triggered by your partner, kids, parents, friends, neighbors and the media. You will be rubbed and irritated by the confinement and the lack of routine. You may even fantasize of how different your life will be once you have your previous life back.

That other life will now be completely different. You will question your purpose here. You may be dreaming of how to reinvent yourself professionally. You will also recognize that simplicity is your new reality. You didn’t need all the heavy distractions.

This is your life. There is no returning to that other one because your experiences now are forcing a split in timelines. You will never be the same.

Deal with the dark side of your personality. It’s time to ascend and in order to do so you can no longer put that side of you on hold. You can no longer neglect healing it.

The struggle is real. You will emerge through a complete metamorphosis. It isn’t pretty. It is definitely uncomfortable. But… sigh … I feel you will choose the best outcome for you and your family.

Be safe. Heal the past and work on releasing it. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. That irritation creates a crack that is allowing light to enter.

I love you.

Existential Crisis

The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.

I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.

Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.

I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.

I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.

I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!

I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.

Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.

This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.

Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!

There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.

There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?

We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.

I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.

Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.

I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.

This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.

Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.

A Social Experiment

This feels like a giant social experiment: Who will snap first in their spaces? Folks are being triggered. Personalities are truly on edge. I am hearing from so many about emotional rollercoasters all day long.

Be gentle with yourself. Cry it out. Get outside and try to release it. The not knowing when life will return is unnerving. The not being able to do your previous “normal” is daunting at times.

We are losing days. We are feeling displaced at times.

I get it. I’m with you.

This is triggering us all. Add a few kids with high energy to the mix and it is a potential mental deterioration like never before. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing. Other times like a thin rubber band being stretched and snapping. But I do try desperately to get out of my head and create a sacred space of peace. Or I remember a wonderful event in my life that I can breathe through with joy.

I seem to be crying a lot. Which is allowing things to come up and out. And I am blessed to be able to release.

I feel the collective and the sadness. I also feel the massive conscious shift in awareness. We are returning to what’s really important: love and connections.

Those who are working from home with family…I feel you. This is enhancing your creativity.

Those who are homeschooling kids…you got this. I will continue to praise and admire teachers and educators. You guys are truly gods and goddesses.

Those who have elderly family members at home…keep remembering how precious they are. They are truly feeling the angst of this chaos.

Those who work out of the home and return to those who are home all day…it’s stressful and everyone is walking on eggshells. Remember what’s important.

Those who are suffering from isolation…you are not alone. This is no time to stop communicating with loved ones.

Those who are struggling with depression…please please please get help ASAP. This is no time to put anything off for another month. There are places online.

Those who are risking it all or are getting sick…sending prayers is not enough. Sending light feels like bullshit. Gratitude is an understatement. I am awestricken by your commitment and heroism.

I love you. Each one of us is doing our best to move through this time. Let’s remember to put love and compassion in the forefront. This shit is getting real(er). Keep connecting with each other here. Share the happy moments. Let’s continue to raise our moods and energy to joy in spite of what is happening.

We are being cleansed emotionally and spiritually on so many levels. The oldest traumas are rising. The newest ones are being birthed. This is not the end. It’s a new beginning. We just need to hang on to our faith, sanity and stay in this moment as much as possible.

Stay home as much as you can. Stay in your love lane. Stay in love.

What this virus brings up

What this virus brings up…

The more time you spend alone, the more emotional stuff stirs up. We’ve never been forced to sit with ourselves like this. It’s like a huge mandatory retreat.

And retreats do this…they bring up the shit we avoid to face. They allow triggers to come up and out. They force us to look at the past, sometimes with regrets, resentments and sadness. We begin to beat ourselves up for things we cannot change.

This feels like a giant social experiment. It might feel like you’re being forced to go into therapy alone.

But you are not alone. There are millions experiencing these challenges.

Reach out. Talk to others. These emotions that are coming up have always been there but you were too busy to entertain them. Be gentle with yourself. Get to know yourself and your family.

It’s time, darlings, to clean your emotional bodies. It’s time to embody your spiritual truths. We are experiencing gigantic amounts of uncertainties. We are witnessing deaths of human life and the lives we had before this. Things are quite different now. Many folks aren’t working, and have lost their jobs. There are financial fears. Health fears. Anger. Hate that serves no one. Claustrophobic tendencies are rising. No one wants to feel out of control. But that’s also an illusion. You still have control of you.

This might be a while. So please get comfy with the discomfort and begin healing yourself. Allow yourself time to really dive into love while letting go of the experiences that no longer serve you.

You know all those folks who triggered you? Well you won’t be entertaining them for a while either. What a perfect way to distance yourself!

You know that job you hated so much? You won’t have it now. Take this time to reinvent yourself.

You know those things you wanted to do but had little free time? Look at that! Here you have it.

You remember all those times you said you wanted more time with your family? 💥 bam! Here it is.

You have the power to take this time and work on yourself. Get to know you. This virus puts things in perspective. You can choose love and compassion to go viral. You can forgive and let go.

If you are with your children all day I understand how trying it can be. This is all a learning curve and experience. And one in patience.

My heart goes out to all those out there putting themselves at risk for us. And to all the families struggling with losses…prayers to all.

I love you. Let’s raise each other from a distance through compassion, love, kindness, humor and understanding. There is so much good that’s waiting for us after this is over. We will be emotionally available to help the world come together like never before. We need each other now. I love you.

Our Infinite Connection

You are one freaking miracle consisting of millions of cells that exploded to create a universe in you. You are a world alone bumping and connecting with other worlds. Not for one moment think that your world is insignificant. You have been programmed to believe that you are small but you’re huge. You are infinite. You will continue to live even after you are no longer in this incarnation.

And guess what you are here to do?

You are here to love and learn and love some more. You are here to experience all aspects of humanness. This is not a test. It’s not suppose to be a gigantic struggle. You are suppose to rise and help create for others.

Every single event, challenge and obstacle is here to expand your consciousness. You are here to touch hearts and teach what compassion is. You get to do that through your examples and power. Do not give your power to another. Do not hand your magic to anyone. It’s yours! You hold on to it and make this world a better place. We are now remembering why we came. And it’s all about love, connections, forgiveness, expansion and grace. I love you.

Genetic Needs

divineloveOur souls are driven by basic genetic needs: the sense of survival, the power of love, acquiring freedom through peace, acceptance for our existence, and enjoying ourselves in the process. When in doubt always choose happiness. Allow yourself to live in the core of joy. You are your thoughts. Return to the basic needs of your spirit.  It occurs to me that being hurt, living inside of a past bubble of regrets, causes a shut-off valve in your heart.  It depletes the rest of the body and emotions to flow easily.

One drop of kindness, forgiveness, and letting go creates an ocean.  The ripple effect is a tsunami of love.  Returning to our basic needs time and time again is powerful.  It is liberating.  The same way we create our own demons, we can choose to create mystical wonders.

Awareness of what we desire is stronger when we aren’t in alignment with how we are living.  Not fulfilling something allows the “what if’s” to obsess the very core of our spirit.  What stops us from reaching out to the stars of desires and wishes?  Fear!  Fear of the unknown.  Fear of past traumas repeating themselves.  Fear of having too much fun and not being responsible.  Fear of worthlessness.  Fear of not deserving the unlimited love from the universe.   Fear stumps our spiritual evolution.

This morning I woke to the sound of my cat purring next to my ear.  She kept nudging her head towards mine.  She wanted nothing but to be loved.  She expected nothing less than a cuddle and embrace.  She just wanted to enjoy the moment of my hands touching her fur and scratching her ears.  She’s not afraid of what the day will bring to her.  She picks a spot near the sunlight by a window and plops herself to comfort.  That’s her life.  She goes out in the yard, does her cat things, enters the house with the only thing available to her…safety and love.

Just like the cat, I remind myself to return to the basic genetic needs.  When anxiety knocks at the door of my spirit I remember that I have no control of anything.  I am just like the cat wanting to be loved, enjoying the process, and finding peace somewhere in this existence.   After all, love is all that we need to co-exist. Joy is the way to open it up in others.  Make a point to return to your truth time and time again.  That intuition poking at you is Spirit calling you home through divine wisdom.  Follow it every time!

Being the Spectator

I took a Kundalini yoga class early this morning. It was the perfect gift for entering a new week.

With each breath cycle, prana, I allowed the life force in me to clear out stagnant energy. Every pose allowed for the vibrancy to rise and fall.

I became the spectator of my stories for that hour… releasing and returning to me with each passing minute.

I am learning the gentleness of me. Of not pushing what doesn’t feel right, even on the yoga mat.

May you find yourself in the driver’s seat witnessing it all without judgment.

I love you. Mucho.