Grief is inexplicable. It hits at its own timing. And, to be honest, it never goes away. We learn to navigate it. We learn to miss without the intense pain. We learn to live in a different manner.
When I was 23 years old I met a young man my age. We worked in the industrial power transmission field. The first day he came for an interview, right out of college, we shook hands and the electricity that passed through our hands was like nothing else I’ve ever experienced, or have felt since.
Before I could even figure out what was happening we had a tremendous love affair. I was in and out of a relationship with someone much older who was married. This young man and I connected in a way that was out of this world.
At 25 years old, after a long break up because of my other relationship, he asked me to marry him one night. I said yes. That was March 11, 1993. He was dating someone else, and I was still in that relationship. We both broke it off that weekend. On the way back from breaking up with his girlfriend he hit a wall on I95 on March 14th. They found him with a small English/Spanish book in his hands.
This loss shut me down. It took my light with it. It would take years to understand. But, something happened shortly after his death. He began to show up in dreams. I wasn’t as spiritually aware as I am now, but I would feel him all the time.
Whenever I am struggling I find a dime and a penny. $.11 was something we would find together. Those close to me marvel at the fact that this happens often. There will be a dime and then a few inches later, a penny. He has been around for almost 30 years and has guided me in ways I cannot explain.
But grief, that old friend that reminds us of love, can sometimes get the best of us. This morning I opened up my kitchen cabinet to get my coffee mug and in a cup I rarely use was a dime and a penny. I don’t even ask anymore how this happens. Maybe the kids did it long ago. I don’t know. I know I was supposed to find it at 4:44 this morning. That’s how guidance works.
We are always held by deceased loved ones. ALWAYS. I often forget to call out to ancestors. Rarely do I forget to call out for him. He has been my steady companion for decades. And, I know we will one day be reunited.
Your grief is not meant to be suppressed. It isn’t meant to be bulldozed. It’s a reminder that you loved. That you were loved. That you lived. That you had someone who loved you. It doesn’t matter if it’s a parent, a child, a lover, a fur baby, or whatever. Sometimes we mourn places and things.
You are loved. You are here. And, I promise you that you will always come out with grace on the other side.
When I was in sixth grade, I went to a school that didn’t have many blacks or Hispanics. It had only been three years since I moved from Puerto Rico. I still had a strong accent when I spoke. It was difficult being the minority in a huge white community. Those days I was pretty shy, and with reason. I didn’t really have many friends in that school. There was this boy who was huge. His name was Hugo. He was in seventh grade. He took upon himself to bully me almost daily. He would call me all sorts of names. I would ignore him. I would avoid him. If I saw him coming down the hall or in the cafeteria, I would dash away from his view.
One day I was walking down the hall, in between classes, when Hugo ran towards me and slapped me in the face. He busted my nose. I still have a small bump on the top part of my nose. He was suspended. I mended. And, sometime before I left that school, at the end of the year, I actually sat with my bully. I told him I was no different than him. He actually looked more Hispanic than I did. I knew he was afraid of diversity and differences. I wished him well and never saw him again.
In my lifetime, there have been many Hugos. Some who have bullied me passively. Others not so much! I have learned that to deal with a bully you have to be smart enough not to react. They feed on the fear and reaction from their actions. I have also learned to be strategic. There are things about every human that are triggers. When we find what those things are you begin to learn what causes the bullying. But, there are also disturbed and psychotic humans that are just plain evil. They were damaged in their childhood and their past. I cannot fix that anymore than you can. We have to be willing to take accountability for our actions and not live in victim propaganda forever.
If you are being bullied by someone, remember that you have choices. You can call the authorities. You can report them. Sometimes the fear holds us back and paralyzes us from truly moving forward, therefore giving the bully the upper hand. We are always held in divinity. We are always guided to do the right thing even when it feels impossible. We put up and shut up until we can no longer. There will always be bullies in the world. Where there is good, there is also evil. It has taken me decades to accept that my rose-colored-love glasses may be dirty. I cannot see every single human in bright light when they are dark.
I don’t know if Hugo ever changed. I think of him at times when I look in the mirror and see my small bump. I wish him well just I wish every other bully in my life. Does it make a difference? I don’t know but it gives ME peace.
PLEASE get help. Take baby steps, and get the assistance you need to stand up to a bully. We should never ever live in fear for our lives. There is always a way. Tune inward and listen to what your divine wisdom has to say.
This week I’ve had to adjust and readjust my self-talk. I have had to dig deep to find answers about my life and the world. I’ve had to reach a place of forgiveness and grab on to love while healing.
Listen, darling! Sometimes healing happens in the silence of the night, alone in your room, with a thousand tears cleaning your soul.
Other times it blooms in the presence of loved ones. I’ve witnessed the many places and spaces it can decide to come to surface.
Healing may dance and sing and wrap itself in joy. Or, it can play peekaboo for a long while.
What I’ve learned from the beautiful appearances is that once it shows up you begin to feel better.
Healing is unpredictable. It’s always aligned to your experiences and how far you can process the pain, the trauma, the memories. Allow for it to come and visit in its own time. Don’t control it or manipulate it by pushing it down, aside or out. It has to do its job or otherwise it gives you false
Hope. It can make you feel like you will no longer feel the pain… until it reminds you that there is still work to be done.
You’ll know when you’ve healed. I promise. Don’t rush through it. Don’t agonize over the pain to go away. It’s got to do what it’s got to do. And then it won’t do it anymore.
I spent a large part of my life hiding. Recently, after a healing session with an incredible soul, I recognized the patterns and programming. I shared with an old friend who immediately said, “Oh honey, you’ve been hiding all your life. I’m so sorry!”
Her sorry was genuine and my tears flowed out again. She saw me. Really saw the trail of bullshit left behind by a Narcissistic mother. And I’ve been working on cutting cords for so long. I tend to listen to the voices of the past when I try to lead my children in the now. I don’t want to be like my mother. I second guess every single major decision in spite of what my heart and intuition show me.
In spite of all my deep awareness and knowing I am not exempt from all my human lessons and challenges. I am always on the trail of mending.
Healing is about release. It’s surrendering to the now while letting go of what has kept you captive. This can be physical, emotional or spiritual. I don’t believe in examining and re-examining the past because that story is no longer there. We create new ones but at some point ancestral wounds need to be cut.
Sometimes we don’t really know what’s inside no matter how much we work on ourselves. It takes an outsider to guide your spirit on a new journey and quest.
Here is what I continue to learn daily: unhealed people hurt through their unknowing-ness. They don’t recognize they are hurting anyone, especially a child. As I continue to feel seen the vulnerability is heighten. I am no longer a little chubby scared girl feeling judged by the world. I am no longer a 20 something woman walking on eggshells afraid of what others think of me.
The healing sticks when we become aware of how we allow toxic energy from others. Those folks continue to show up to remind us of our growth. I am blessed they continue to show me how to set healthy boundaries.
I hope you can also see them and send them love. You don’t have to participate in their dramas. I see you. I honor you. I love you.
We judge (and criticize) based on our experiences. If someone is not the same religion, or political party, or looks and acts the same as you then there is a lack of them filling your expectations. The speculations arise from the difference. There is fear at times of the unknown and lack of understanding. The insecurities may rise to the top of the list.
If you are too lovey dovey you are too needy. If you are too positive you are bypassing all human experiences. If you use crystals and burn sage you are not Christian because you are a witch. If you cuss you are a bad uneducated person. If you are too trusting you are naive and gullible. If you share too much spiritual stuff you are a fake wanna-be guru. If you speak your truth you are arrogant and a know-it-all. If you don’t participate in every argument you are weak and afraid to stand up for yourself. If you have a sarcastic sense of humor you are hiding major trauma. If you let your kids watch too much television you are an uncaring parent. If you send love and light to the world you are a new-agey hippie. If you aren’t fighting for a cause you may be a closet racist. If you are overweight you have low self esteem.
I am certain you can add to the list. If you do anything that is outside of other people’s perspectives there will be judgment.
You can only meet someone at the level of their awareness and experiences. Your opinion of me and others is based on your expectations. When those expectations aren’t met you immediately judge.
Guess what fixes that? Getting rid of your expectations and accepting others as imperfect and learning from their diversities. We are all truly trying to walk each other home. All day. Every day.
Guess what else alters this state of speculations? Loving folks as they are. Meeting people where they are emotionally, physically and spiritually. We need more open-minded-closed-mouth souls on this planet. We don’t need categorizing anyone. Not hurting them because they are different. Not using past experiences as markers for all future events. Forgiving and letting go of shit are imperative at this time.
IT IS TIME TO COME TOGETHER AND NOT TEAR EACH OTHER APART. Who the hell left anyone in charged of this planet that we are fighting for freaking rights that shouldn’t even be questioned? We are all of the human race.
We are living in the most intense times of our lives as the massive collective consciousness shift is happening. Most traumas and triggers are coming up because it’s time to release them. We are healing. We are shedding old beliefs. If you can’t handle those issues with the people you love then it’s time to truly reconsider your relationships. Love means loving the entirety of a person, not choosing and picking the parts that align with yours.
Be gentle, darlings! There is so much anger out there and it’s shocking to our systems. My heart is cracked open. I am feeling it deeply. I love you.
I keep finding love. Surprises me because it’s never really lost. It’s there waiting to be acknowledged. But, when I find it in the most unusual of places, well I am moved by lack of ego towards it all. I am reminded of growth and awareness. I experience the ultimate pleasures of the divine consciousness without the mind chit chatting it away.
We as a whole in this world need to learn to tolerate without judgment. We need to allow the ego to fall to the side in order to help others without discriminating. Whether it is for the homeless, the illegal immigrant, the single mother, the homosexual, the drug addict, the HIV patient, or anyone who is human and imperfect like we are! If you haven’t experienced their life please be kind enough to send love, prayers and allow your ego to take a backseat. Never diminish one struggle over another. Never judge what you haven’t undergone. The harshness of opinions, criticism, and intolerance seems to cause more than just wars. It is depleting our world from the faith in humanity. Unless you walked the talk…please sit down and quiet the ego.
We are one. We are connected in this giant web of humanness. Learn from others but don’t allow your preconceptions determine the person they are, can be, or should become. You never know where life can (and will) take you. Karma has a way of teaching powerful lessons when we carry a closed mind and heart.
Now go out there and show your superpowers of loving and compassion. Love as loudly as you can. Boooommmmm!
For as long as I can remember I have ached to live or travel to the edge of civilization. I have craved to hear stories told and shared from all corners of the world. I’ve wanted to touch and inhale the essence of humanity, the borders of humanness. I’ve been studying empathy, compassion and what moves us to be who we are. I’ve been fascinated by spiritual and philosophical issues. The irony of this has been that I’ve received more than my share the last few months in isolation. I’ve witnessed the evolution of our civilization in the last week. And I marvel at how much I will learn in the near future.
We’ve gone from witnessing horrible and atrocious deaths of black men to partially opening up a country that’s been affected by a killer virus.
The virus has taken backseat the last few days. It’s become about our constitutional civil rights. The fight has been well overdue. Folks who were locked down for months have taken themselves out there for their rights… because let’s face it, whether it’s a disease/pandemic or racism, there is a virus.
One doesn’t care about your race to kill you. The other is a learned behavior and programming that has been around since the beginning of time.
People are dying. From both. The pandemic has nothing on racism that has been killing and torturing people forever. Racism has used religion and politics as part of its ignorance and fear.
These months have allowed me to truly take my Sunday’s into sacredness. I space out the day in my mind to accommodate God and pray. Even if I’m out with the kids in the yard, I am in my most spiritual presence sending love and healing into the energetic fields. I am mindful and extremely present in my day. I take in the journey from the edges of humanity and really try to breathe love into all the corners.
Today I am empty. I have nothing. I woke not knowing anything while trying to figure out how we will move through the state of our country and the world. I watched some of the protest videos. I ask myself, “What is all of this mounting to? Where will we be in a few weeks? How can we resolve what has been here unjustly forever? What will be on the other side…?”
So for a bit I will just entertain the idea that our lives are massively evolving into something indescribable. We are awakening to a totally different world. We are leveling up as avatars in some cosmic game. Each level gets more complicated and challenging. We will utilize our truths and knowings to move on and evolve. We will heal. We will find a way towards peace. We will rise together from the flames of many injustices. The last few months have had many folks living in fear. That was nothing in comparison to what needs to happen.
Continue keeping your peace. Continue raising your frequency to love and forgiveness. Let’s remain humble. Let’s hold space for others who are experiencing so many emotions at this time. It’s chaotic. It’s intense and we are experiencing new levels of perspectives, awareness, tied to our own individual truths. Sending love to all.
A friend contacted me today. We hadn’t spoken since February. She’s an amazing writer, artist and creator of so many things. She explained that she hasn’t been able to create anything since the virus took over our lives.
Zilch. Not a painting. Not a poem. Not a post. No photographs. Nada.
I listened while a herd of children were being menaces in the background. I heard her. I felt her disappointment and frustration. She said that to have been gifted all this time and not create feels like she’s failed the Universe in some way. Somehow she’s got shame.
I suggested that perhaps this time was not about being creative for her. But, it was about just being. Not keeping busy. It was about allowing healing to come through. And the healing didn’t want to transpire into creativity.
There was silence on her end. Even my children were quiet and I found myself breathing the space in between here and there. I found myself channeling that energy of just being. Exactly what I was expressing to her.
I feel that so many have felt disappointed because they didn’t create music, wrote a novel, painted oil on canvas or anything else that was expressed as “if I just had a month off I would do this and that….”
The collective has been so chaotic energetically. Trauma has been a huge theme and many have had to purge old programming. Creativity arrives from a place of divine guidance and if we have been bathed and consumed in heaviness there is little that would come through. The creative process needs sparks of positivity. It needs to rise from ease.
There is time for creativity. There is time for prayers and contemplation. I have had very little energy to create so I get it. But I have been able to do other things. We cannot push what’s not here at this time. We cannot feel guilty for ego scolding us for not doing more. We cannot do what we cannot do while merely living through the most radical times of our lives.
Please forgive yourself for your muses not helping you create. Forgive yourself in thinking you have slacked off on some precious chunk of time; For coming out of quarantine with nothing to show except long gray hair and extra body weight. You don’t have to feel bad about anything because you are still here on this world. You are one of the lucky ones.
Let’s honor ourselves for all that we’ve done or not done the last few months. There may be time tomorrow, or whenever. Love yourself enough to just let go of all expectations. Take this time to manifest a new beginning. May you accept what is and let go of what isn’t.
I love you. And, for those who have done magical things during this time my hat goes off to you. Bravo!
It’s the 52nd day of staying-home-safe for me and my family. It’s actually a little longer but I’m counting from the actual day the county started the lockdown.
The first four weeks were super intense for me. Shit was coming up that I hadn’t a clue was still dwelling in me. It was truly an opening, the dark night of the soul, a heroes journey of sorts (even when I didn’t feel any heroism). My spiritual knowing went on shut-off and all I could do was be present with every single moment. Having two little ones demanding of me 24/7 was the biggest obstacle of all and not be able to take them out was an experiment in extremes.
I cried a lot. The world’s uncertainty was scary and I don’t get scared easily. There was a sense of major anxiety wrapped in panic. I felt helpless. I could no longer say “I don’t live in that reality.”
But, in spite of the emotional roller coaster ride, something happened around the fifth week. I was in the yard working and clearing bushes when it hit me: I had no time like this before to dedicate to our property. I also came to realize that I had been asking for this for a long time. I wanted time with the kids and be home to mend to my house. What I never imagined was that people out there would be dying. People all over the world were hurting.
I stopped watching the news around that time. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and the guilt of being safely at home with my sweethearts.
Every time I heard or saw the word “quarantine” I was triggered. I couldn’t understand or remember why until one day doing strenuous clearing of trees I understood.
In April of 1998 I adopted my first little girl from Romania. She came sick with a chaparon from the adoption agency. They said she had a cold. She was two years old and so malnourished. That first month she slept with me holding my hand. She wouldn’t let me go in fear she would be sent back to a horrific orphanage. One morning I woke and I was almost blind. I could barely get up. I felt feverish and aching all over. I called my mother who lived nearby to please take the kids to school and my little girl to daycare. When my mother took my temperature it was 105. She rushed me to the hospital. I was blacking out. Walking into the hospital I passed out and I have very little recollection of the first few days there.
I was placed on quarantine for over a week and a half. No visitors. I couldn’t see my baby girl or my two sons. They tested me for everything and couldn’t give me any medication but Tylenol because CDC couldn’t find what was wrong with me. I had doctors baffled. They assumed that my daughter carried something with her from Transylvania. I was touching heaven’s gate often almost in comatose state at times. The fever would spike and they had to wait until then to run their tests. Eventually after every test, poking, pricking, stabbing, and scans the infectious illness took its toll. I was fortunate. Almost two weeks later, on Memorial Day weekend, I walked out of the hospital with a diagnosed of “AB Mountain Fever.” But even that didn’t explain all the symptoms. Until CDC could give the okay I wasn’t able to just go. They kept a close eye on me for another six months.
THAT was quarantine. Real hellish seclusion. People coming into a room with suits on and I was unable to see and feel them clearly. So when I hear the word “quarantine” now I don’t see it as what this has been. This lockdown has been about clearing up ourselves and staying safe to help others. It has been in place to allow an infectious disease to slow down.
I was 30 years old. I was told that my heart took a beating during all the symptoms. I already had a mild heart condition. So I am super conscious of how I show up in the world at this time. I don’t believe there is anything I can’t overcome until it’s my time to truly leave this journey. But, by God, if I can do my part to stay healthy for my kiddos I will. If it means wearing a mask, staying put in my house, lifting others in love and humor, holding sacred space for me and the world….well you betcha I will do it.
I have replayed that May of 1998 so many times. I have let go of so much anger for many issues that showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed and unable to take care of matters in the world. Little did I know that April of 2020 would relive so many of the same emotions. And just like that in pulling roots out of my yard I was also pulling roots of hurt from long ago.
We have been gifted a lot at this time. And yes, a lot of grief and sorrow and atrocities. We have in our hands the ability to save ourselves and heal. The quarantine has brought about anger and rage; sadness and despair; hate and insanity. It has also allowed many to stay put and work on their own dark night of the soul. The entire world is doing it. It’s a global opportunity to raise our vibrations and work on our loving muscle to be forgiving, accept others even when they think or act differently, and acknowledge that ultimately compassion is what we need in our world.
I can’t change your mind. I won’t even try or dare. This is my journey. You have to figure out how you show up during this time. Our lives will never go back to what was before this March. But, darlings, I ask that you let go of the anger in whatever you are practicing. Let go of hatred. Let go of that need to bulldoze over everything just to make your point. That will never ever help cure anything. It only decreases the ability to allow love and compassion in our world.
Moments with Millie 