I Hold Space

For as long as I can remember I have ached to live or travel to the edge of civilization. I have craved to hear stories told and shared from all corners of the world. I’ve wanted to touch and inhale the essence of humanity, the borders of humanness. I’ve been studying empathy, compassion and what moves us to be who we are. I’ve been fascinated by spiritual and philosophical issues. The irony of this has been that I’ve received more than my share the last few months in isolation. I’ve witnessed the evolution of our civilization in the last week. And I marvel at how much I will learn in the near future.

We’ve gone from witnessing horrible and atrocious deaths of black men to partially opening up a country that’s been affected by a killer virus.

The virus has taken backseat the last few days. It’s become about our constitutional civil rights. The fight has been well overdue. Folks who were locked down for months have taken themselves out there for their rights… because let’s face it, whether it’s a disease/pandemic or racism, there is a virus.

One doesn’t care about your race to kill you. The other is a learned behavior and programming that has been around since the beginning of time.

People are dying. From both. The pandemic has nothing on racism that has been killing and torturing people forever. Racism has used religion and politics as part of its ignorance and fear.

These months have allowed me to truly take my Sunday’s into sacredness. I space out the day in my mind to accommodate God and pray. Even if I’m out with the kids in the yard, I am in my most spiritual presence sending love and healing into the energetic fields. I am mindful and extremely present in my day. I take in the journey from the edges of humanity and really try to breathe love into all the corners.

Today I am empty. I have nothing. I woke not knowing anything while trying to figure out how we will move through the state of our country and the world. I watched some of the protest videos. I ask myself, “What is all of this mounting to? Where will we be in a few weeks? How can we resolve what has been here unjustly forever? What will be on the other side…?”

So for a bit I will just entertain the idea that our lives are massively evolving into something indescribable. We are awakening to a totally different world. We are leveling up as avatars in some cosmic game. Each level gets more complicated and challenging. We will utilize our truths and knowings to move on and evolve. We will heal. We will find a way towards peace. We will rise together from the flames of many injustices. The last few months have had many folks living in fear. That was nothing in comparison to what needs to happen.

Continue keeping your peace. Continue raising your frequency to love and forgiveness. Let’s remain humble. Let’s hold space for others who are experiencing so many emotions at this time. It’s chaotic. It’s intense and we are experiencing new levels of perspectives, awareness, tied to our own individual truths. Sending love to all.

A Time to Just Be

A friend contacted me today. We hadn’t spoken since February. She’s an amazing writer, artist and creator of so many things. She explained that she hasn’t been able to create anything since the virus took over our lives.

Zilch. Not a painting. Not a poem. Not a post. No photographs. Nada.

I listened while a herd of children were being menaces in the background. I heard her. I felt her disappointment and frustration. She said that to have been gifted all this time and not create feels like she’s failed the Universe in some way. Somehow she’s got shame.

I suggested that perhaps this time was not about being creative for her. But, it was about just being. Not keeping busy. It was about allowing healing to come through. And the healing didn’t want to transpire into creativity.

There was silence on her end. Even my children were quiet and I found myself breathing the space in between here and there. I found myself channeling that energy of just being. Exactly what I was expressing to her.

I feel that so many have felt disappointed because they didn’t create music, wrote a novel, painted oil on canvas or anything else that was expressed as “if I just had a month off I would do this and that….”

The collective has been so chaotic energetically. Trauma has been a huge theme and many have had to purge old programming. Creativity arrives from a place of divine guidance and if we have been bathed and consumed in heaviness there is little that would come through. The creative process needs sparks of positivity. It needs to rise from ease.

There is time for creativity. There is time for prayers and contemplation. I have had very little energy to create so I get it. But I have been able to do other things. We cannot push what’s not here at this time. We cannot feel guilty for ego scolding us for not doing more. We cannot do what we cannot do while merely living through the most radical times of our lives.

Please forgive yourself for your muses not helping you create. Forgive yourself in thinking you have slacked off on some precious chunk of time; For coming out of quarantine with nothing to show except long gray hair and extra body weight. You don’t have to feel bad about anything because you are still here on this world. You are one of the lucky ones.

Let’s honor ourselves for all that we’ve done or not done the last few months. There may be time tomorrow, or whenever. Love yourself enough to just let go of all expectations. Take this time to manifest a new beginning. May you accept what is and let go of what isn’t.

I love you. And, for those who have done magical things during this time my hat goes off to you. Bravo!

Quarantine

It’s the 52nd day of staying-home-safe for me and my family. It’s actually a little longer but I’m counting from the actual day the county started the lockdown.

The first four weeks were super intense for me. Shit was coming up that I hadn’t a clue was still dwelling in me. It was truly an opening, the dark night of the soul, a heroes journey of sorts (even when I didn’t feel any heroism). My spiritual knowing went on shut-off and all I could do was be present with every single moment. Having two little ones demanding of me 24/7 was the biggest obstacle of all and not be able to take them out was an experiment in extremes.

I cried a lot. The world’s uncertainty was scary and I don’t get scared easily. There was a sense of major anxiety wrapped in panic. I felt helpless. I could no longer say “I don’t live in that reality.”

But, in spite of the emotional roller coaster ride, something happened around the fifth week. I was in the yard working and clearing bushes when it hit me: I had no time like this before to dedicate to our property. I also came to realize that I had been asking for this for a long time. I wanted time with the kids and be home to mend to my house. What I never imagined was that people out there would be dying. People all over the world were hurting.

I stopped watching the news around that time. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and the guilt of being safely at home with my sweethearts.

Every time I heard or saw the word “quarantine” I was triggered. I couldn’t understand or remember why until one day doing strenuous clearing of trees I understood.

In April of 1998 I adopted my first little girl from Romania. She came sick with a chaparon from the adoption agency. They said she had a cold. She was two years old and so malnourished. That first month she slept with me holding my hand. She wouldn’t let me go in fear she would be sent back to a horrific orphanage. One morning I woke and I was almost blind. I could barely get up. I felt feverish and aching all over. I called my mother who lived nearby to please take the kids to school and my little girl to daycare. When my mother took my temperature it was 105. She rushed me to the hospital. I was blacking out. Walking into the hospital I passed out and I have very little recollection of the first few days there.

I was placed on quarantine for over a week and a half. No visitors. I couldn’t see my baby girl or my two sons. They tested me for everything and couldn’t give me any medication but Tylenol because CDC couldn’t find what was wrong with me. I had doctors baffled. They assumed that my daughter carried something with her from Transylvania. I was touching heaven’s gate often almost in comatose state at times. The fever would spike and they had to wait until then to run their tests. Eventually after every test, poking, pricking, stabbing, and scans the infectious illness took its toll. I was fortunate. Almost two weeks later, on Memorial Day weekend, I walked out of the hospital with a diagnosed of “AB Mountain Fever.” But even that didn’t explain all the symptoms. Until CDC could give the okay I wasn’t able to just go. They kept a close eye on me for another six months.

THAT was quarantine. Real hellish seclusion. People coming into a room with suits on and I was unable to see and feel them clearly. So when I hear the word “quarantine” now I don’t see it as what this has been. This lockdown has been about clearing up ourselves and staying safe to help others. It has been in place to allow an infectious disease to slow down.

I was 30 years old. I was told that my heart took a beating during all the symptoms. I already had a mild heart condition. So I am super conscious of how I show up in the world at this time. I don’t believe there is anything I can’t overcome until it’s my time to truly leave this journey. But, by God, if I can do my part to stay healthy for my kiddos I will. If it means wearing a mask, staying put in my house, lifting others in love and humor, holding sacred space for me and the world….well you betcha I will do it.

I have replayed that May of 1998 so many times. I have let go of so much anger for many issues that showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed and unable to take care of matters in the world. Little did I know that April of 2020 would relive so many of the same emotions. And just like that in pulling roots out of my yard I was also pulling roots of hurt from long ago.

We have been gifted a lot at this time. And yes, a lot of grief and sorrow and atrocities. We have in our hands the ability to save ourselves and heal. The quarantine has brought about anger and rage; sadness and despair; hate and insanity. It has also allowed many to stay put and work on their own dark night of the soul. The entire world is doing it. It’s a global opportunity to raise our vibrations and work on our loving muscle to be forgiving, accept others even when they think or act differently, and acknowledge that ultimately compassion is what we need in our world.

I can’t change your mind. I won’t even try or dare. This is my journey. You have to figure out how you show up during this time. Our lives will never go back to what was before this March. But, darlings, I ask that you let go of the anger in whatever you are practicing. Let go of hatred. Let go of that need to bulldoze over everything just to make your point. That will never ever help cure anything. It only decreases the ability to allow love and compassion in our world.

I love you.

Mama Lessons

My little girl brought me a top portion of the purple irises. I said thank you but then told her to please not pull the flowers.

Her face when stoic and I saw her tears swell.

I failed. I felt it immediately.

See, to her she saw the flower and wanted her mama to hold the beauty. She knows how much I love purple. She saw me take the photos yesterday while I told her that the flower always makes me so happy.

So I kneeled to meet her eyes and I cried … along with her. I held her tightly. I apologized. I placed the flower on my ear and she smiled. I thanked her for thinking of me. I told her I appreciated that she brought the flower to me. I asked her how it looked with my grey hair and she said I looked delicious.

I then explained that my reaction was absolutely horrible. It was wrong of me to tell her not to cut the flower. She’s seen me bring flowers from the garden in the past.

And such is the fluidity of being human with so many imperfections. We came inside and I put the flower in water. I held her as we talked about the baby groundhogs and how the mama was protecting them. I told her I would always protect her as well. She was happy. For a few minutes I was broken because I hurt a little girl’s feelings. Cause you guess it… this mama is tired.

My children don’t sleep. Ever. They get a few hours and then they are up running around. My husband and I are living on fumes. In the middle of the day I am beyond cranky at times. But I will never ever again disregard a present from either of them. They are here safe today. All my children are on this planet alongside even from afar.

A friend lost her child last week. And when I saw her disappointment I immediately thought of her and how she will never get to hear from him or receive any kind of gifts.

I fail at this being human thingy a lot and lately it feels like it’s often. We are all on edge. But that iris today stopped me. Kali’s face taught me to take a moment and receive every single thing that she presents to me. It’s in those moments we recognize the human connection.

I honor her. The soul in me recognizes her soul. And that connection extends to every single one of us like a ripple in a lake moving outward. We feel it all. The hurt in me feels the hurt in others.

May you recognize when you make a mistake and take accountability. It is the only way we heal each other and ourselves.

Love. That’s all we got.

A Pilgrimage

Today I went on a pilgrimage. My husband took the kids and I headed up my favorite mountain. It’s been a while since I have been alone. All alone with my thoughts.

This mountain is the place that for many years I would hike during summer rain, ice, snow, and every other weather condition to help
with severe anxiety. I lived down the mountain and for years it was my daily commune with God. The higher I trekked the easier I felt the Divine. I released so much of my old life up there.

This was the place I broke several ribs, sprained my chest cavity falling on ice and ended up in the ER. Another time it was where I fractured my tailbone. I can’t remember the many times I sprained my ankles. The trail and I had many battles. Sometimes I won. Other times I was well defeated and I learned some powerful lessons. It was the mystical place I stargazed at night and played with my kids during hard times when I had very little money. I had many galactic experiences up there. Bearwallow Mountain pushed me to begin writing with openness about myself and nature. It was the place I took my husband on our second date and where, on Christmas Day nine months later, I asked him if he would ever consider marrying me to which he answered, “Sure, why not?”

And years passed before we married and during that time those hikes helped me heal so much of an old self that was strangling me. I hiked in order not to run. I hiked because while I was climbing that mountain I was living in the present. I was grounding myself in order not to hurt myself.

The terrain up there pulls me. The vast space on top of the mountain calls my soul. The smell of cow manure is like coming home to comfort. The decomposing of the earth is intoxicating. In a bizarre way all my senses are heightened and I come alive like no other place. Today I needed to go home alone. And while I was up there I realized that on this day ten years ago I came to these mountains for the first time. Two months later I would be calling them my home.

So I sat on my favorite boulder and spoke to God. I cried while feeling the world’s grief. The beauty was breathtaking. I began asking for the best possible outcome for my kiddos. I felt the cool wind go through me with assurance. A baby calf came up real close while I was meditating. We startled each other when I moved quickly. And I giggled like a little girl. It was pure joy to feel the simple ease of the moment.

Up there I felt my soul open up again like it had years ago. Memories flooded since it’s been a while I had been there. I found many heart shaped rocks to add to my collection. There is magic and connection there and I was reminded to not wait so long for another return. It’s free therapy that enlightens my spirit.

The mountain always offers me a sacred journey inward. It holds intimacy and rawness. Today it supported me once again. And it reinforced what I always believe: it is compassion and gratitude that bring us to ourselves. It is release and forgiveness that allow our return to spirit. And, it is love that makes us, creates us and embodies us at all times…all this through the earth. Nature heals us. We become aware of our small presence in this world. Nature is our connection to the Divine and to each other. The divine is the love that we are and continue to learn from.

Fifth Week of Lessons

Fifth week of quarantine has taught me a lot. I am not the same person who entered this crisis.

At first there was release. Old traumas triggered and healed. There was so much old hurt that showed up and I didn’t even process why until weeks later.

Then came anger, disappointments and short fuse syndrome over everything. Denial and acceptance showed up a lot. Sadness would follow with grace. I cried a lot. I was in a fog. It was not pretty to feel it all and be in the midst of darkness. Forgiveness was the mother experience in all of it. It actually lifted the fog.

Every emotion has been deeply felt the last few weeks. I became spiritually detached. It rattled the core of me. I somehow had disconnected from Source and couldn’t get back to my center. Then last week it stopped. It all came full circle. I felt my heart cracking open and accepting. I understood what I didn’t understand. I know not to know anything and it is okay. I accept this being this at this moment in time.

There is something to all of it on a huge cosmic level. My dreams aren’t dreams but incredible travels elsewhere. And I marvel at the opportunity to bring back lessons from other lifetimes. When I close my eyes at night I get to go and come back with deep peace and awareness.

But, I also know that as weeks go by the collective will be in a lot of turmoil. There is heaviness in the world. There is sadness and anger. Every person is undergoing their own growth. There is a rainbow of shitty emotions going on that weigh each of us down. There is no pot of gold ahead for many. Folks ask what I asked in the beginning, “What the hell is my purpose now?”

Our purpose is to rise up and join a higher frequency. We can’t fight dark forces with darkness. We must light the path and lift the fog.

I’ve decided to shift my perception and mindfully return to love every single time I get into that head space. I don’t have to know about tomorrow. I only need to be here now.

My home is sacred. My family is too. I am willing to participate in this giant awakening experiment because obviously I chose this time in history to be here. I will not be shaken by what I read or see or hear. I understand that love is the vehicle, for me, at this time.

How are you feeling after all these weeks? What are you learning?

Taking it One Day at a Time

The wind was wicked all night long in this corner of the mountains. Children slept. We all slept. It was a rare night indeed. But sometime during the middle of the night the wind took over. It is still howling and it forces me to return to my own breath. It allows me to return to this moment.

I begin to understand again. I return to my remembering:

Who you are today is a compilation of every past experience. And, you are nothing of what you will be tomorrow. That’s the beautiful mysticism of understanding the evolution of the soul… especially during these times.

We’ve never been here before. What a journey this is for each of us. For our planet. For our soul evolution.

You are the universe embodied in a human vehicle. You are a zillion cells and infinite years old. Things change every second. I urge you to pay attention.

I’ve been wealthy. I’ve been poor. I’ve been a follower. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an avid student. I been a mother. I’ve been a wife and a lover. I’ve been angry and happy and lost and found. I’ve been broken and pasted back together mending in my private times. None of those labels will define my tomorrow because I am ever changing…but they have defined the soul I’ve become at this moment. Every single challenge and experience has molded me. It’s never the end. We are semicolons pausing and quickly beginning a new phase. Every single day.

Just as the sun rising and the night returning…You get to restart and reinvent yourself over and over. It’s a divine privilege. It’s your human right.

So don’t let the stress of tomorrow overshadow the sacredness of presence now. You will never be this young again. You will continue to grow in spirit and the moment you become aware of your power life will begin to shift.

I love you. Be present. Make it a point to stop, have a conscious breath, and taste your life for what it is. Whether it’s good or bad it is your life. And you can change it whenever you accept that this is not a prison life sentence. It is truly a magical experience of endless proportions.

It’s Getting Real

Without busyness a lot of our shadow self emerges. Things we’ve not dealt with come up and out. They get magnified. We are confined with others who are also experiencing their own shi(f)t.

I am sure there will be many separations and divorces when we return to our previous lifelines. There will be many who may find themselves picking up a vice (or two) in order to suppress the event. There may be abuse involved and lots of low vibrational challenges ahead.

Take a breather. Return to this memory. Step back from it all. Recognize truth. You will be triggered by your partner, kids, parents, friends, neighbors and the media. You will be rubbed and irritated by the confinement and the lack of routine. You may even fantasize of how different your life will be once you have your previous life back.

That other life will now be completely different. You will question your purpose here. You may be dreaming of how to reinvent yourself professionally. You will also recognize that simplicity is your new reality. You didn’t need all the heavy distractions.

This is your life. There is no returning to that other one because your experiences now are forcing a split in timelines. You will never be the same.

Deal with the dark side of your personality. It’s time to ascend and in order to do so you can no longer put that side of you on hold. You can no longer neglect healing it.

The struggle is real. You will emerge through a complete metamorphosis. It isn’t pretty. It is definitely uncomfortable. But… sigh … I feel you will choose the best outcome for you and your family.

Be safe. Heal the past and work on releasing it. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. That irritation creates a crack that is allowing light to enter.

I love you.

Existential Crisis

The first three months of 2020 I was writing… A lot. And I was keeping a gratitude journal each evening on my phone. When the schools let out weeks ago I stopped. Not because I wasn’t grateful for our health and for the ability to be safe with our kids, but because time was no longer available in the same manner. Now when I do have spare time I am beat.

I’ve raised six children basically on my own before this second act. Those six are grown and gone to have their own lives. This time it’s two little ones and a husband. And I look at them with joy and wonder. Many times in disbelief that at almost 52 years of age I have chosen this mothering job again. I take it seriously. And the state of the world feels heavier because they are so young…and I am much older.

Time has stopped. And I am living (as many of us are) in a loop. Just like the movie Groundhog Day, I have no idea what day it is. It’s like an ongoing weekend without the ability to physically connect with others and be in places that bring us joy.

I miss my Starbucks chai latte with no water. I can make it at home but it’s not the same as speaking to the Barista while the chocolate croissant is being heated.

I miss interacting with strangers daily everywhere without the risk of getting sick.

I miss driving. Today I got in my car after a week just to pull my eyebrows and chin hairs. It was lovely. I didn’t leave the driveway. The mirror and light in there make a difference. I miss doing this while I waited for my daughter to get out of school before. You know THAT before. Before the world stopped being the same!

I miss the human touch of friends. I miss hugs and kisses. I have them at home but sometimes, in rare moments, a friend can truly reach the depth of my soul with a hug. No words needed. It’s the most fantastic yummilicious exchange of energy.

Don’t get me wrong…I am forever grateful. For so much. I am deeply aware of how fortunate I am. Yet, I am struggling with an immense sadness. As we all are.

This is a shit show. It’s okay to say that out loud. While I know this is not just about the virus, but a massive shift in our humanity, I am mourning the life I had just a month ago. I am mourning the lives of so many. I am feeling such denseness for the turmoil, the lack of readiness, the uncertainty and the truth. Combine that melting pot of emotions with other things and, yes, it can be a tad much at times.

Every year I pick two words as my intention for the year. I picked “adventure and travel.” Oh, it’s an adventure alright. Daily! And I travel all day long from the kitchen to the living room to the bathroom and laundry room. There are several other rooms I explore. Every few days, when it’s not raining, I travel to the far end of our property to talk to myself in quietude. That’s the moment I am not cooking, or picking up crap from the floor, or sanitizing little hands. It’s just me and God. And boy, Am I keeping Him busy with my talks!

There are projects to be done. There are books to be written. Cabinets to be painted. There is a lot that I can be doing when I have those ten minutes of peace. But truly…I don’t feel like that’s important. I rather sit in the sun. I rather read a passage from a book that brings me to sacredness. I rather do nothing because in the nothingness lies peace. In that vacancy I get to feel the illusion of it all and it’s beyond tolerable.

There is an entire world experiencing loss and ambiguity. I’m grateful for my little bubble in the country setting. But, it is emotional fuckery, physical carnage and chaotic spirituality. (And yes, I am using more “sentence enhancers.” If not now then when the fuck)?

We cannot deny ourselves the emotions. And when I get on social media to escape, I read of others moving through similarities. This helps me connect and disconnect simultaneously. It allows me not to feel lonely in my own loneliness of seclusion.

I laugh. I cry. I shake my head in disbelief at times. I sometimes get angry. I even mumble a few things at the screen. But, ultimately I get to be here to keep a little bit of my sanity in tact. I get to witness the best of others.

Who knew that 2020 was really about seeing the world through new lenses? We’ve had to adjust and redefine our lives. We’ve had to purposefully let go of our dreams for the time being. We’ve had create a new state of reality. It’s a gigantic pause like never before. A pause to dive inward and pull out old traumas and triggers. It’s a pause to heal…globally. It’s not just this viral event. It is an existential crisis of the soul.

I promise you that it will be okay. I say this constantly. Sometimes I actually believe it. I thank you for being here with me. For taking the time daily to sit together and fill these pages with love, humor, and important messages. You are an extension of my life right now.

This year is a game changer. We will emerge from the flames with some massive badassery. I have no doubt.

Be safe. Be love. Be authentic. Be faithful. Be compassion. Be the best you there is.

A Social Experiment

This feels like a giant social experiment: Who will snap first in their spaces? Folks are being triggered. Personalities are truly on edge. I am hearing from so many about emotional rollercoasters all day long.

Be gentle with yourself. Cry it out. Get outside and try to release it. The not knowing when life will return is unnerving. The not being able to do your previous “normal” is daunting at times.

We are losing days. We are feeling displaced at times.

I get it. I’m with you.

This is triggering us all. Add a few kids with high energy to the mix and it is a potential mental deterioration like never before. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing. Other times like a thin rubber band being stretched and snapping. But I do try desperately to get out of my head and create a sacred space of peace. Or I remember a wonderful event in my life that I can breathe through with joy.

I seem to be crying a lot. Which is allowing things to come up and out. And I am blessed to be able to release.

I feel the collective and the sadness. I also feel the massive conscious shift in awareness. We are returning to what’s really important: love and connections.

Those who are working from home with family…I feel you. This is enhancing your creativity.

Those who are homeschooling kids…you got this. I will continue to praise and admire teachers and educators. You guys are truly gods and goddesses.

Those who have elderly family members at home…keep remembering how precious they are. They are truly feeling the angst of this chaos.

Those who work out of the home and return to those who are home all day…it’s stressful and everyone is walking on eggshells. Remember what’s important.

Those who are suffering from isolation…you are not alone. This is no time to stop communicating with loved ones.

Those who are struggling with depression…please please please get help ASAP. This is no time to put anything off for another month. There are places online.

Those who are risking it all or are getting sick…sending prayers is not enough. Sending light feels like bullshit. Gratitude is an understatement. I am awestricken by your commitment and heroism.

I love you. Each one of us is doing our best to move through this time. Let’s remember to put love and compassion in the forefront. This shit is getting real(er). Keep connecting with each other here. Share the happy moments. Let’s continue to raise our moods and energy to joy in spite of what is happening.

We are being cleansed emotionally and spiritually on so many levels. The oldest traumas are rising. The newest ones are being birthed. This is not the end. It’s a new beginning. We just need to hang on to our faith, sanity and stay in this moment as much as possible.

Stay home as much as you can. Stay in your love lane. Stay in love.