Gratitude in Clarity

I woke at midnight to no electricity. My phone had a message that the power company was working on the outage. I looked outside and smiled. I went back to bed. I know the trauma I have with winter and not feeling safe or warm. It comes up quickly. But I went back to bed.

I didn’t sleep much that night. I time traveled back and forth. I was trying to erase people from my life. I kept waking up and laughing. The reality seemed absurd but every time I closed my eyes I seemed to travel back to some other time and dimension.

I am who I am because of every person who came into my life. Who would I be if they didn’t exist? What would I had become? Would I miss what I never had? Would there be fragments of me that felt a great void? And how would life around me be lived? Each person was a stepping stone…would I have had different stones?

At 7am I observed the white purity of being covered by snow outside. Candles were burning. Shades laid open. Windows were clear of all distraction. I was too.

And then uneasiness started to set in. I allowed for it. I calmed myself down by reading old books.

There was no sound other than candles burning and children babbling. There was peace across the landscape. No cars. No nothing. Just clarity of silence and my most intimate thoughts.

But…after 36 hours of no electricity or water the ego begins to complain. Just a tad bit! It starts to create deep layers of sadness and remorse for living in a state that has these winters. I knew nothing of this before eight years ago. This year has been better. For the first few winters I was pretty much alone on a mountain. No money. A rundown motel. Two teenagers and the echo of uncertainty staring back at me each time I got snowed in.

I have patience. Lots of it. I began to dread winter. Each year that has grown. I fight against the Post traumatic events. I usually win.

Now every time I hear “snow storm coming” a part of my nervous system gets triggered. I can be prepared but the moment I feel the threat of no power or water…oh my…the ego reminds me of the past. And I enter a place of disregard. I start to feel something that doesn’t fit in my personality of today.

We now have power. As I write this it’s been three hours. The house is clean. Toilets are flushed. Kitchen is immaculate. Clothes is folded. Kids are napping in warm bedrooms. I sit next to my husband as I write. I stop and thank him for all he did to make me feel at peace. He knows me. I read several books by candlelight. I wrote. I loved on my tribe here. And I did a lot of meditating and praying. I did a lot of releasing and manifesting. I needed this detachment.

It’s that time of year that brings stuff up like wanting to erase the folks from the past. I cannot. I won’t. And I am happy that I can’t change anything because I am becoming the best version of me possible. It’s all there is. The snow has clarified that. I’m grateful. I feel the purity of the land healing me. My consciousness truly expands with every winter. I don’t have to hate it. I just need to be. For now. For however long it takes to continue healing me.

Happy Halloween


Happy Halloween!  The one day a year we get to wear costumes and mask ourselves, pretending to be someone or something else.  Every other day of the year we just wear invisible masks hiding our authenticity…our wholeness.  Even as a child I didn’t care much for this holiday.  I thought it was strange for a kid but the older I got I realized it was my analytical mind trying to find reasons.  I have never been afraid of horror films.  I am not scared of monsters.  I am frightened by much more than witches, goblins, and grave robbers.

I am terrified of rejection, criticism, intolerance, ignorance, hatred, and an array of human emotions that create a detachment in our society.  I am crippled at times by failing and never giving my heart completely to another.  I’m paralyzed with anxiety at times, afraid of how humanity has evolved so much metaphysically (in theory) but chooses not to practice fellowship, unity, and peace.  I am not scared of spirits but those folks who are emotional vampires sucking the life from everyone around them.  Who needs a wolf man when depression lurks just around the corner in our world?  Who needs monsters when there are murders, molesters, rapists, and dictators in every country of the world?

I am not frightened by the idea of the devil, but I respect and fear the evil in our world: those who speak of peace while holding on to some sort of weapon manipulating the need to control.  We’ve had hundreds of these men who want to create a better world by killing others.  That scares the crap out of me!  I am alarmed and horrified by hypocrisy, fallacies, lies, manipulation, and confrontations.  I rather hear truth, even if it’s raw and ugly at first, be hurt for a moment than be deceived later on.  But I also know the difference between being honest and just being plain ole nasty like a monster in the night.  Those things rape belief systems, trust, faith, and hope. I am deeply concerned and afraid of love disappearing from our lives with each evolving generation as they hide behind technology rather than human interaction. I am scared shitless of faith and compassion somehow vanishing from our DNA’s.  I am afraid that if we don’t start caring for the earth she will retaliate in horrific ways.  It is our home and we should be more conscious of our existence here.

And, I do enjoy Halloween for the sweets.  I also live for the sweetness in my life.  I am constantly trying authentically to embrace this journey without the ghouls of sadness, violence, and destitution lurking in every corner of our world.  I am afraid of the media and how things are sensationalized to create mass fear.  I am afraid that if we don’t remove the masks we carry around every day then one day we will have nothing left.  Now that’s horror!

We can’t change what we’ve done but we can change who we are at this moment.  We can take off the costumes, the masks, the armor suits and show truth to one another.  Halloween is one day yet we carry the ghouls and monsters inside all year around.  What would you do if you weren’t afraid to let go?  Truth is that knock on the door of your soul that gently says, “I carry no more baggage and I am here to stay!”  And, that’s one of the best trick-or-treat delights in life.  Enjoy the day, everyone!

Sometimes life is a river


There has been some intense vibrational energy moving on overdrive the past few days. I have felt dizzy, nauseated, one minute hot and the next with chills. I’ve had a low fever at times while experiencing the in’s and out’s of time. The challenge has been in keeping track of my day. I don’t know how I would have done it had Matt not taken care of the baby all weekend. He left with her Sunday for a few hours so I could sleep. I was awake and then I was not. Same throughout the night.

A little while ago I took a salt bath with lavender. I am now sweating whatever has been activated. I haven’t had any alcohol since I began the Prozac over a month ago. The best thing I have ever done was rid myself of the occasional wine. And, once we sell this place the anti-depressant will be in the garbage. This is all well and great while going through the process of eliminating and shifting. It’s a band-aid over a wound that needs healing. Eventually I need to let it breathe. I am all for medication as long as I understand it isn’t going to fix the end result. It is aiding me in getting back to my truth. No one can know what goes on in another’s soul. I believe help arrives in many different ways. There’s no need for judgment.

A week after I began taking the pills I was in the French Broad River with friends white-water rafting. In the middle of paddling and being instructed…”one, two…” I heard nothing. The voice in my head had somehow stopped. I felt that sense of being outside of me. Finally the medicine hit me and out in the wilderness of the unknown. What a metaphor! It’s one of those things that was so apparent that I had to pep talk myself to the edge of the river to get off and come back into me. The anxiety was gone. It was as if someone took my head out of my ass and I was breathing normally again. I was able to see and hear and enjoy the river without having to control the thoughts.  I had been on such a tremendous panic mode for so long that I didn’t realize how sick I had become. For the rest of the day I got quieter. Friends asked if I was okay. I couldn’t really say what I was and I was not ready to share that I was taking medicine. I was feeling the release of everything that had me so tightly held inside while being on that gorgeous river. With each dip and level I was able to find Millie again…the level-headed woman who can focus.  I found love for me through the scenery of nature.   

Anxiety is born from fear of the unknown. The need to control a situation begins to escalate and before you realize it your world spins out of orbit. It’s not an emotion I do well. I used to live like that but I had not for a long time. What it created was the injustice and unfairness of not following my spiritual truth. No, the pills don’t bring me spirituality. My spirit, my essence, my knowing bring me back to spirituality. My authentic truth is regained through the process of eliminating the fears of what will be, what might happen, and what can I do. The only thing I can do right now is heal. There is room to breathe. Depression, sadness, anxiety and the weakening of mentality is a HUGE cry for change. I am glad that for the third time in my life I have said, “Okay, I can’t do this alone. I need something to help me get pass this event.” Each time after a few months I recharge and find my center.  I am not a good pill taker.  I am not consistent with anything but love and my spiritual practice.

Since Friday afternoon there has been energy in vortexes outside. I have opted to stay indoors. I can hear the expansion of something happening. Old paradigms get activated when we try to rationalize what is going on. So I don’t. I move through forgiving myself for anything that has caused me discomfort…for allowing the ego to take the wheel.  My mind and spiritual body know better.  I forget at times.  When it doesn’t feel right I continue allowing and honoring my spirit by staying quietly in my room. Whatever was passing through cosmically seems to be ending. This is the gift of an empath…the knowing that everything passes with time. I don’t feel the buzzing of intense energy vibrating at a totally different rhythm. I feel me again. I have sweated and purged so much in the past three days: emotionally and physically. I have prayed, meditated and listened to fantastic Chakra music.  I have allowed Spirit to guide me through this small retreat. I have released what had been suffocating and strangling within the cellular levels of my knowing. I know the answers to me. I am finally able to revisit the calmness. It’s not a pretty sight to go through crap without really knowing how it will show up at the end. I cannot verbalize what I don’t understand while moving through the healing. I need the space alone to do so. Luckily, I have folks who understand this about me. I am blessed.

Last night before I finally fell asleep I asked consciousness to get rid of anything that isn’t for my highest calling. I have been releasing ever since. We forget that we have the power to demand our bodies to heal. We have the knowledge and the know-how but refuse ourselves the decency to feel the strength inside of us. We forget. We forget that we are God, divine wisdom, spiritual beings in human form. We need reminding every so often. I have to give myself a pep talk every so often to remind me that I hold the key to my life: health, abundance, growth, body, mind…everything. I got this! And, like me, you have the answers to all you need! You are not alone in this journey…there are many of us weaving the fabric of humanity to change! It’s magical…it’s Godly…it’s us!

When the insignificant becomes significant

forgiveSome holidays seem insignificant to me.  Mother’s Day is one such day.  I believe that when you are a mother you celebrate in that momentum every single day.  I usually skip over it.  I get cards and calls from my kids and friends are kind enough to remind me that I am, indeed, a mother of a LOT of children.  And, while it’s lovely to have a commercialized day to pamper your dear one, I think it creates a little stress in the back burner.  It emphasizes too much for others who are going through loss.

Yesterday I was super emotional and did everything possible not to let it overwhelm me.  I missed my mother who passed away a month before Mother’s Day on 2008.  She did make a huge stink about this day and expected it to be a day of celebration for her.  It was important to her. Perhaps that’s also why it’s not to me.  However, in the midst of six children in different cities and such, I miss them.  I miss having them all around the dinner table and not being a part of the seventh child. I missed having my mother and the glory of this special day to celebrate her greatest in having been guidance for 40 years.  So, yes, yesterday was a crappy day.  I worked the morning and then we took a Sunday drive with a baby who hates being strapped in her car seat.  We drove in silence while she screamed on an off.  We tried to keep her busy and finally we gave in.  It wasn’t going to work. It was better to be home and have her in her space while we played with her.  It was also better for me to allow the emotions to wander off while feeding the fish with her, or taking her to the swing.  It was better to get distracted while watching Barney for the 233rd time in a week.

The insignificant became rather significant and by 7PM I was exhausted.  I was mentally drained and didn’t even want to verbalize a single syllable.  Going to sleep that early allowed me to wake up even earlier than usual.  I was up at 1AM sitting in the dark living room.  I released it all.  I said my prayers.  I did a meditation that came out of nowhere showing me a path I had not even considered.  I began to think about friends who have lost their children, others who lost their mothers early on, and then I began to count my blessings.  There’s nothing like placing myself in another’s life for a few moments to snap me back to gratitude. And, just like that I was able to return to the light of day being the goofy me.

Why do we place so much emphasis on special days? As clueless as I am for certain things I am keen to others.  I try not to let these days that are marked on a store-bought calendar become my triggers.  But, I also know that Sadness arrives and sits whenever it is bringing along a friend…in this case Awareness.  I will never get to sit with my mother and share everything I have done in the past 7 years while she gives me approval or disapproval and a world of great advice.  I will most likely never sit with all my children in one space as some have decided not to be part of this family.  That’s the thing about moments: while you are going through them you don’t know that they will leave lasting impressions for later.  You don’t know that a specific event will be the best memory in a long time and it will become the mark of greatness to other similar moments.  They sit quietly in the back of the mind, tucked gently in a corner of the heart, and something will trigger them and you can’t see what’s really important anymore.  It’s our spiritual duty to find solace and comfort in understanding that they return for a lesson.  Sit with them and allow them to show you why they keep revisiting.  What’s missing in your life? Why was that so important and why can’t you have it again? Retrace those memories with openness and acceptance. Often times when we miss something it is because we are being guided to move through a major breakthrough.  Don’t beat yourself up.  Don’t stay in the regrets or the resentments.  Forgive the path you took to get you here and all the choices you make every day.  That’s life! We are constantly evolving and hopefully in a manner guided by unconditional love, especially for the self.

In days like yesterday I always think of Rumi’s poem: The Guest House.  I allow those emotions to visit, and I decorate their room for the day while trying to make them comfortable.  Then I let them go off.  Each room is a new emotion.  It’s all good because I am aware of their visitation.  They clear out things that are often forgotten.  Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a sad day.  It can be a purging day of emotions and laughter.  And just like that the laughter arrived in the darkness of my living room this morning.  I began to remember the moments most precious to me with my mother and my children.  I remembered things that made me chuckle and I tried to stay as quiet as possible not to wake anyone.  It’s all a matter of conscious shift.  I refuse to enter another day with a trickling of tears marking my cheeks.

There are more important things happening around us.  It isn’t my job to analyze or control those moments but I can choose when they need eviction from my mind.  Today is a gorgeous day.  As I write this I am watching the fish swimming in the pond as the light casts gently on the water.  I hear the birds singing their love songs.  And, today my heart is healing.  Whatever happened yesterday has allowed for me to re-enter my waking life with a light heart.  May you find peace in those moments of release and remember all that is you.  You are AWEsome.  You are Divine Love at its very best.