A Divine Present

 

It comes,
unexpectedly,
like a tornado
with words crashing
against
my brain.

There is no safety.
No net.
No prelude.
No warning.

Every aspect of my spirit
gets poured
onto a page with
a surprise of knowledge,
a magical gift —

from somewhere else,
some mystical wisdom.

And I let it flow,
taking forward everything in its path,
with dry rain
of words,
of me,
of an incomplete life…

wrapped in divinity.

The Gift of Presence

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As part of a Christmas gift this year, I gifted my eldest son a baby book I recently found in a box in the basement.  In it were 8 or 9 letters written to him before he was born, including the one of the day I found out I was pregnant with him.  I left it all in a gift box in his room for the night he arrived from New York City.  The next morning he came to me and hugged me tightly with tears in his eyes.  He said he spent hours reading the baby book from cover to cover.  But, what touched the core of his heart were the letters I wrote to him that shared my hopes and dreams of his future.

I was told at a very young age that I would not be able to have my own children.  With every passing year after twenty my chances would diminish.  I spent most of my teenage years creating a plan, rushing through school, jobs, relationships and life just to make sure I would align with motherhood.  I got married at 18.  Immediately we tried to get pregnant.  I did conceive twice before my son, to later miscarriage.  He and his brother have been true miracles in my life.  The other four have been even greater surprises from the heart.  I am a blessed woman.

This morning my son and I took a long drive through the mountains, taking pictures of the fog, the mist, the gloom of winter while talking along curves and country paths.  At one point he touched my hand and said, “Thank you for always being such an amazing woman, especially for being such a giving mother.  You have not changed a bit throughout the years.  Just reading those letters and how dead-on you were predicting the future has allowed me to see you in a depth I never saw before.  Mom, I knew you have always had an open heart but reading things from when you were 19 years old and how you still see the world so innocently and lovingly makes me realize that there are few human beings like you.  You continue to make me want to be a better person.  I love you!”  Needless to say I had to stop on the side of the mountain to cry, thank him, and hug him.

Kids have a way of immortalizing parents at times.  My son is 26-1/2 years old.  I was honest with him and told him that I had not read the letters completely.  I only skimmed through the first one and my emotions were pricked and pulled out of the present state of joy.  I put them in the box.  I am glad I did not read them.  Those letters weren’t for me. They were for him to find answers that he has been searching throughout a lifetime. Time has a way of revisiting us in the most amazing places but sometimes at the most unfortunate times.  (Then again, nothing happens by chance or mistake).  Because we live through perception and illusions, the past has little to do with this moment right now.  But without it we do not become who we are today.  We cannot move through the veil of myth and arrive here safely without acknowledging those stories that have created, molded, and strengthened us.

There’s a need to be acknowledged, recognized and understood.  There’s a desire to be heard.  There’s a necessity to be held, touched and loved.  There’s a yearning to acquire freedom through another who can see us and still love us unconditionally.  The best gift we can give another is the present.  Being mindful of how we light up when they are near us, or how they impact us through kindness, are just some of the ways that we can gift humanness onto another.  It’s simple.  We are simple beings taught to create drama and complications in order to get attention. We’ve been taught erroneously.  We’ve been instructed to fight for attention, time and love.  But, we have done the best we can with what we have.  It’s never too late to change the present.  It’s here.  It’s now!

The present moves through in a split second.  Stay here!  Stay right here and allow your loved ones to witness the quality of time.  Allow divinity to shine on you and yours.  Own your stories while holding hands, hugging, and listening through moments of laughter and tears.  We’ve lost the art of gathering, communication, and true love.   In the end there is only love….make it available to those who truly matter in your life.  Mucho love and happy holidays!

Ocean of Gratitude

 

ocean            As I write this I sit comfortably in a beach house in Ocracoke Island, North Carolina, overlooking the grasslands of the Atlantic Ocean, dunes in the distance, listening to birds and critters re-entering spring.  The only “white stuff” on the ground is sand.  I arrived this afternoon needing a few days away from my world.  Five days go in the middle of the night I dreamt with a guide or angel who told me to ask for help.  The entity was very persistent. I was told (not a suggestion) to reach out to friends and ask for a place where I could go to recharge near the water.  As spirit fighting with ego, the stubborn wicked ways of showing vulnerability, I refused the demands in the dream.  I woke to nausea and vomit.  Once I returned to bed I said out loud, “Okay, okay, I will reach out in the morning but please give me the words.”

 

When sleep arrived I fell hard into peace.  Morning brought with it the perfect words reaching out to friends in exchange/bartering for our place in the mountains.  In complete gratitude and shock I received several offers.  A friend reached out and offered her brother’s beach house in the outer banks.  I didn’t know what and how to receive this gift.  The giver in me has a difficult time accepting help.  Funny how I am always telling others that in order to be fully blessed you must receive as well as you give.  Putting this to practice is not easy.

 

There are times that certain words make a point of entering our lives with such force that we begin to see that word everywhere. We begin to take notice of it like a new pair of shoes that you thought were unique and now everyone has them. In the past few weeks the word, “vulnerability” keeps showing its letters in neon lights. It isn’t easy being vulnerable to others, and allowing the truth of what feels like weakness expose itself without a shield. Vulnerability isn’t frailty as we have been taught. It is bravery, kind, beautiful and truthful. It doesn’t need protection. It requires honoring, exposure, and acceptance of who you are and where you are going. Taking that risk is true Divinity. The more we allow others to see who we are the easier it is for us to grow and evolve into our authenticity.

 

Being near the water, listening to the waves swiftly shift through the edges of the world, as sand molds to my feet, my heart lightens its load.  I don’t know how much more there is to give that I haven’t given myself.  I do know that this business of being human is hardcore.  It requires presence, forgiveness, understanding, patience, compassion and a lot of self love.  As I pick up the remnants of rocks and shells I gather the awareness that we are just like these pieces of decay on the shore.  There is such wear and tear, molding, sanding, release and endurance while fighting the tides, storms and chaos of external forces.  For me it is always difficult to accept help and show my fragility.  I do well with others.   Honoring my nakedness and helplessness is something that has become very real to me lately.  I know it is okay.  I know I am not alone in this.  Months ago I wouldn’t have even thought of asking.  Now, because I showed my humility, the core of my necessity, I sit breathing fresh ocean air.  Tears roll in gratitude for the next few days of sheltering near the ocean.  I am changed because of such kindness. shells

 

I have been taught a powerful lesson in exposure.  What I thought was dependency is freedom.  What I thought was frailty is actually strength.  It takes courage to ask, but it takes an adventurous spirit to move through the rawness of it all and accept.  I am forever grateful for the kindness, love and support I receive.  Having been the one to always give this is a lesson in the balance of it all.  Learning to accept and know that I am worth this is beyond anything I could have known.  I once had a mentor that said to me when I had a hard time receiving a compliment, “When someone gives you a flower, what do you say? You say ‘thank you’ and take it. You don’t reject it.  It’s rude!”  And so, I say, “thank you” to the Divine for all those who have given me this little flower of peace, love and hope.