Embrace Your Gifts

I had some sweet gifts as a little girl from the age of four. My mother didn’t know what to do with me when speaking to our dead ancestors. She took me to a spiritualist on the island to get whatever was inside of me out. When that didn’t work she took me to a psychologist. She demanded I stop the nonsense.

So I did. I stopped it for decades. It caused anxiety. It gave me migraines. I was so stumped that my energy was toxic…to myself.

Finally when I moved to these mountains of Western North Carolina, leaving an old life behind, the “gifts”began to unfold. I was in my early 40’s.

I ran to a therapist and asked her to test me to see if I was schizophrenic. I knew I must be. My mother, who had long passed, kept those insecurities alive. I was blessed to have a therapist who allowed me to embrace the “openings and expansions.”

I wasn’t crazy. Okay…maybe a little loonie but not in a harmful way. I am eccentric. 😝

See, my darlings, you aren’t bat-shit crazy when you clearly feel and see and sense other realms. You are gifted. Stop being afraid of what others think. I struggled with that all my life.

I love you. Embrace your individuality with your spiritual body. This is your superpower. Use it to help light the world. You’ve got this!

Gifts of Love

tutus

I have been an avid student of all my children. Each one has taught me something I didn’t know I had in me, imagined I could do, would want to do, and so much more. My middle daughter’s mental challenges changed me. Her bipolar disorder also enriched my perceptions. I have been turned upside down, right-side up, yet enlightened in ways I can never express. Living with mental illness is a day to day wave and all you can do is surf it without restraints or expectations. When she arrived into my life at the age of 9 from Romania, I knew my life would never be the same. I have witnessed tenacity, perseverance, disorder, disarrangement, and complexity in myself. Our mirrors have reflected personal issues that I wouldn’t have addressed at other times in my life. I have been pushed to learn things of the human spirit I didn’t even know existed. She has taught me the meaning of unconditional love, surrendering, acceptance, forgiveness, grace and patience. I am not a patient person and she has been the button-pusher of constant reminding how much I can tolerate. I am always shocked by how much I can endure and where the lines are drawn.

My daughter, in her struggle for understanding while living with severe anger and mental disorders, has gifted me with the most precious experience of all. She has given me a child, my granddaughter, to raise again as a child of my own. I hope this seventh child will make the rest of this journey magical. This little girl has reshaped my reality. She has allowed me to throw all plans out the door. My daughter is very present inside of this little girl and I marvel at the preciousness of another generation teaching me more about life and myself. I am aware at this love that I wasn’t expecting in this time in middle years.

The mind is our most priceless commodity. It creates, modifies, regenerates, releases, and forces us to see past the boundaries of time and space. My daughter has taught me to love fiercely in a way that I didn’t know was available. She is not capable of understanding many of the issues that created the loss of permanency for raising her daughter. Her dissociative identity disorder does not permit her mind to see normalcy and stability. She will forever be stuck at 13 years of age. The older she gets the more noticeable it becomes. But, she’s taught me to see the exceptions to all the rules.

Recently while I held this two year old in my lap I told her what I say every day, “I love you, sweetheart.” She immediately responded as a matter of fact, “I know.”

My husband and I laughed out loud and she returned the giggles in exaggerated form. She has brought tremendous light into our home. I am grateful for this journey. I never imagined it in a million years. There are days I don’t think I will survive another childhood but then love is seen through the eyes of a sweet baby girl and I know that God is staring right at me. Who else is gonna join me to dance with tutus and tiaras? Who else will sit and listen to fairy tales and stories of unicorns and wizards? This journey is a pure gift of love!

Gratitude for our gifts

homeless cart

Yesterday I met a homeless woman outside of Starbucks (lots of wonderful things always happen to me outside of these coffee shops). She had a supermarket cart with all her belongings near downtown Asheville. I stopped and asked if she wanted a cup of coffee as she was pushing that sucker on the sidewalk. She was sweet and said, “No thank you. I’m good!” I asked her another question just to stop her from moving. “Are you heading to a shelter?” She answered, “I spent the night in one. I am heading to the park. I like to feed the squirrels.” She was a jolly heavy woman probably in her sixties. For a moment her matted gray hair looked like a bird’s nest on her head but I looked closer and saw the most beautiful pins and clips holding it together. I complimented her on them. She began to take one off to give to me. I told her that I couldn’t put anything in my short hair. “Thank you.” I asked if I could give her a hug and she happily extended her arms out so I could move in them. I wished her a nice day. She went off pushing her tiny home up the hill leaving me with such love and joy for her sweetness.

Here is the thing that touches me about someone who has nothing: they are willing to give a part of their nothingness. She was willing to give me a part of her life to make ME HAPPY. She wanted me to feel joy with those clips. I see a lot of this in homeless and mentally ill folks. I see a lot of these selfless acts in those who are used to having little or nothing at all.

SO…when you are moving through this season with the stress of giving or not giving; of having or not having; please realize you have more than you need. It takes nothing to be kind. It takes even less to make someone’s day with a smile, a small chit chat, and a sweet word. These are the folks that teach us how to truly be grateful for those things we think are important. They bring us back to humanity. The world is made of such acts. We forget that we don’t need much to give to another. Heck…just a dollar in coins is sufficient. Carry around granola bars in your car and hand them to the homeless begging on corners…they love them. And if you can’t afford that…then a hug will be just what another needs. Happy holidays, dear friends! May you find the true meaning of a generous heart in a stranger today!

To the Yesers and Dreamers

creations

I believe in fairy tales and happy endings. I believe in magic and the power to create all my dreams with enough zest and focus to light the path ahead. So when the world tells me that I “can’t believe in what doesn’t exist” I laugh. I giggle, disconnect from what is being said, and truly feel sorry for the person saying this to me. I can believe in whatever I want. That’s my right! There’s enough nay-sayers in the world. We need more yesers. We need the dreamers and misfits to stand up and show another side of creation. We need the writers, artists, creators, musicians, and sculptors to stand up and say, “See…there IS enchantment and magic and it comes from divine source.” We don’t need anymore negativity. There’s an over-abundance of that. We need the yesses, the of-course-we-cans, the I-done-it-before-and-will-do-it-agains, the nothing-stops-me-dreamers, the watch-me-take-notice-and-learn-not-to-give-up-on-fairytales folks….. We need a bunch of those to override the darkness that has been instilled in our world and paint it bright. Because…because…I do believe that we have the power to change everything in our lives.

This takes work and most people don’t want to stay on path of dreams. It doesn’t happen over night and it requires positive energy. You need faith and trust and a willingness to go into the unknown. But, you can do anything that you want. Your mind is connected to Source and everything you desire. I strongly believe that we can shift consciousness and awareness to show the world the magic wand that God gave us: LOVE….The love in thy self; the love towards a stranger; the love for life; the love for dreams; the love to heal; and the love to manifest your deepest desires. Use it wisely and with the biggest open-heart available. This is the secret of creation. Use it to mold and shape the life you want. You got this. Stop believing what others tell you that you can’t accomplish. Show them through allowing, creating and receiving! You really have nothing to prove to another but yourself. Don’t stop your dreams to make another happy in their disbelief. Misery loves company but you don’t have to entertain it.  You can choose to live in your own happy-ending-story!

Reminders

reminder

Sometimes we need reminders of what is of importance in our lives. “Sometimes” can turn into every day notices. Every morning when I hear Kali Rose moving in her crib I go into her room, open up the curtains and begin, “Where’s that Kali Bug? I don’t see her.” She hides under all her bedding, pillows, and such. She starts to giggle…moving quickly to hide even deeper.  I continue, “That girl disappears, where is my little bug?” Finally she jumps up and immediately says (elongating every syllable), “Hiiiiii! Maaaa-ma, maaaaa-ma…hiiiiiiii!” I am once again reminded of what is precious and important. I pick her up and we hug tightly as if it was the first time we have seen each other after a forever absence.  I am truly embracing every day of her 18 months.  She is teaching me to be a kinder, softer, younger woman.
We forget throughout moments of struggle or challenges in our days. We forget how simple love is. We forget the core of our existence. We forget to breathe in light and exhale love. We forget to thank our friends, mates, parents, family and children for their moments of reflecting love. We do! But, I am a student of this emotion. I crave to find love under a rock. I instinctively look for it in signs with heart shapes.  I search for it in a homeless person’s facial lines, the touch of a cashier when she gives me change, the tap from my mate as he walks pass me, the text from my children just saying hello, the wind assuring me that a loved one is watching from the other side…a million reasons to find love. And, most importantly I find love smiling widely within me…waiting to be acknowledged by my essence.  I find love illuminating my days through the prayers I send out and are returned with kindness.
It’s not hard to find. It’s always there…look in the mirror. See that soul staring back…that’s love to its fullest divinity. You are created from love, to love, share love, and be love. Have a wonderful Sunday! I love you. I love you. I love you. I don’t say it lightly…I say it fully with the most magical of intentions. May you see the love that you are…share it. You are precious!!!!!

The Gift of Loving Yourself

self talk

The past thirty days of my birthday month have been like no other. It is said that it takes 30 days to break a habit. It is 30 days of continuous repetition that changes a mental form.  I took on a challenge this month. I decided to love myself in a way that I have never done before. Starting on April 1st I stood in front of a mirror and said to my soul, staring into my brown eyes, “I love you, darling. I love you for what you are and for all that you have become.” Then I would stand there for a bit waiting for the back talk of ego. The first five or so days were unbearable. I would immediately get something negative, “How can you love this body, middle aged and out of shape?” Other days it would just stay quiet until there was no more backtalk. Then on the second week of self talk in the mirror I began to truly feel the love from my spirit. “Thank you!” It would whisper, “And, I love you.” At first this was a silly experiment and now after 30 days it has become a necessity. “I LOVE YOU! You are magnificent.”

My eyes have begun to change. I cannot explain this phenomenon. I don’t think anyone else notices. My skin has lightened up. My stomach has released some of its weight. My breasts seem to feel safe with all its scars from years of mutilation because of reductions and biopsies. My thighs seem to jiggle a little less. My intestines have released toxins from years of holding onto crap. My hands have transformed into strength with less nudges of pain from morning arthritis. My soul is in a place of love. Thirty days of truly giving it love without doing anything but providing a safe haven to do so every morning has allowed me to witness how self-abuse becomes a habit. We abuse spirit with the things others have instilled in us to believe. But, NO MORE!

This past month I have done something different every single day:  I had a pinup photo shoot outside by waterfalls, ate some delicious food I’ve never tasted before, met strangers who became invaluable friends, moved my daughter to her own place, took different roads leading into the most precious mystical spots, attended a friend’s dramatic play, visited friends’ parents at hospitals, put our retreat center for sale, cleaned out things I have never done before this time, my fiancé and I have had nerf gun wars wearing Star Wars helmets throughout our home, I went to another friend’s movie premier, got fairy hair extensions in bright sparkling colors, had a group of friends who expanded my consciousness and awareness through deep conversations about the cosmos, and so much more (too much to list at this time). One of my highlights this month was taking a friend to her first Starbucks outing and witnessing the expression of joy while drinking her first frappuccino (her reaction was priceless. It left me with tears of gratitude for allowing me to witness the AHA moment through new eyes of love and appreciation). It’s the simple things we overlook. It’s those acts of kindness that bring energy back into our souls. I have had many friends and loved ones just show up with the perfect messages that have allowed me to experience serendipity.

During all this time my morning ritual allowed me to see what others have seen, or have never seen before. I am valuable. I matter. I am important. I am perfect in my imperfections. I have seen God staring through these eyes.  I have been part of something mystical and omnipotent.  I have seen the creation of life evolve through my reflection and how vital it is to truly love the self.  I have been truthful and authentic with every part of me while declaring the things I will accept and releasing those I will no longer tolerate. I have new stories replacing old paradigms. It shouldn’t take 47 years for this.  It should be something we immediately do the moment we begin the awareness of our thoughts from early childhood.  Just like meditation these self talks should be taught by our elders. It’s time we begin shifting awareness to our children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, and friends.

We are constantly trying to experience love with others, waiting for another to value us, but it starts with the self. If you don’t see your worth no one else will ever see it either.  This morning as I finished brushing my teeth and I had the sweet talk with myself, I noticed how in spite of being under the weather with allergies, I have nurtured me and broken the toxic pattern of listening to the voices from the past determine who I am.  I have loved me deeply. I have given me the first and foremost priority in thirty days (in my life). I have celebrated my right to be here on this magnificent journey. It has been a delicious month. It’s lasted longer than any other birthday month because I have been fully present with me while loving every inch of my human and spiritual bodies.

May you find the courage to look into your soul and love the one and only you there is on this planet. I hope you gift yourself the experience of truly seeing what joy and love look like through your eyes. You will find grace, beauty, patience, understanding, forgiveness, and most of all the power to truly love all that you are. It’s magical. It’s divinity. And, it’s all you, baby!!!

The Things That Make Me

“Sometimes when I talk I don’t say anything and when I listen I only hear sounds. I used to be embarrassed about this but I know now that these are the quirks that make me.  At times I let go of love so it can find its way back and I marble at its return as if the spell of the world is broken and I can reach out while my heart expands wider. There are so many times I smile without a single reason making me look a little strange to those around me. Often times I can smell rain before it arrives and I am stopped with such surprise at how the earth is connected to me. Whenever I laugh, God holds my heart, especially when I am hiking alone and each tree, branch, blade of grass suspends me in mysticism.  Sometimes the best cup of coffee is the one shared with a friend and at other times a glass of wine with a friend solves the world’s problems.  There are many moments that I witness Divinity when looking into a stranger’s eyes and at other times a kind word from a stranger becomes a mood enhancer that leaves imprints of stories untold. I am forever grateful for those moments of sharing with someone who doesn’t know my history or judges me for past mistakes.  Sometimes holding someone’s hand is all that matters, wiping tears is an honor, and just being in silence with them is priceless because being present is an invaluable gift.  Every day my children teach me the art of being human, how to fall and strive for better, and how to love unconditionally regardless of how much I mess up.  Compassion and joy are underrated these days.  I want to always show the lighter side of heaven through my laughter than the darker side of hell through a scorn.  There have been times that lovers have left little parts of themselves in my soul forever and I am grateful for those pieces that mold and hold me as part of the present life.  I love how my mate can touch my hand and nothing else around me matters.  His whisper can trigger a smile or a tear and I am lost in a world of intimacy for a while where nothing or no one can reach me but him.  Sometimes the filtering system in my mouth is malfunctioning and I say things that do not come from me.  It’s not really an excuse.  It’s the way things are when spirit moves through me to leave a message for another.  Sometimes when I stare at the night sky I wish I could fly and then I am reminded that whenever I meditate I can feel God cradling my body in the heavens and when I pray I can feel His touch in my hands.  Many nights when I dream I travel to amazing places from the past and the future.  Sometimes all I need is a pair of warm socks to change a sour mood; the smell of a sweet candle to remind me of another life; and a great book to take me on an incredible journey.  At times my thoughts get lost in translation and I dislike when someone tries to correct them.  There are times I talk to rocks gathering them in my hands and they answer with loving gratitude for being held so close to my heart.  I ask permission to take the ones that look like hearts and place them in jar to always recall that love is solid and strong. I take long rides through new places to see if I get lost so I can find myself somewhere in the middle of what I am searching.  Sometimes I just have to scratch my head and admit I know nothing realizing how difficult we make this living thing called Life.   There are rare times that I cry because I am being touched in spirit and letting go is the only answer.  Sometimes when I meet a special soul I want to dive into their heart forever because it only takes a second to realize how precious life really is, and how we are all connected to one another… always.  And, sometimes, in rare occasions when I close my eyes I can see the world inside of me loving and expanding through the center of the universe in Oneness.  It is then that I know you and I are one…forever.”