Rebellious at Heart

I have a rebellious nature… at times. I’ve tamed it in the last few years. I am stubborn (to a fault) and I don’t give up easily on the things that make my soul expand. My tenacity has helped me build many lives in this one. It has also cost me heartache at times because I stick to what I believe. When I do give up it is because I’ve lost interest in chasing what didn’t deserve me or barricaded me along the way. When I surrender it is because I have felt the universe tell me to stop, usually because my physical body has been affected.

I suspect I will be that old lady in the future that at family gatherings will say shocking things. I may share way too much about things I’ve kept for myself. I may be interrupted or taken out of the room while pushing a walker cursing up a storm. I know I’ll love hard, and loudly, even if I get angry. I will use my rebellion to fight for those I love forever. I will fight for what I believe… including the underdogs, misfits and those who have lost their way. I will continue to remind them of their light even when mine may be flickering and dimming.

When I leave this earth my children will remember my sarcasm and the way I loved them without an ounce of indifference. They will remember my twisted sense of humor and laugh out loud.

I can still climb a fence. A very, very, short one. I may hurt myself but I will give it my all. What I will never ever get hurt climbing is loving another even when it’s not reciprocated. I will never get hurt climbing the mountain of goals and dreams. I will never get hurt climbing my way through this moment in history because I believe there is magic on the other side.

Pause

Stop for a moment. Take a breather. Pause. Exhale.

At this moment there is a giant fork on the road. Your life was going one way and now… well, now there are unknowns. Millions have lost their jobs. Others have no idea what they will be doing when this is over.

But this is ongoing. Over is not an expectancy. The only thing you have at this time is this day. Life is forever changing out there. And it is also shifting inside of us.

I had pretty much set goals for this year. I was going to write and start my own non-profit humanitarian company advocating for children while also doing intuitive consultations. This year began on one path and then the Pause came. I have two little ones at home so my time is dedicated to them. Some evenings I hold sessions over video chats. Most days I end up in my yard when they go to bed exhaling from the demands of my day. My current job is to love them and make them feel safe.

At first I planned on doing so much with whatever time I was gifted. But my inspirations didn’t arrive. Let’s be honest many of us thought that if we had a month off we would do so much at home. We would get projects done, write the novel, paint, learn new trades….

The state of the world has felt heavy and sometimes just getting out of my pajamas into yoga pants is daunting. I cut my hair so I have one less thing to do cause brushing it or putting it in a ponytail was extra work. I do make my bed daily to feel as if I have accomplished something. It’s in the small details.

I don’t have to know what I will be doing next month. I am not stressing about what will arrive. I try not to over analyze about our finances. I won’t beat myself up for not doing all I had in my imaginary list. I will sit here and pause. I will know when it’s time to proceed with whatever I am to do. I will know which path I need to take.

We live in a society that has been programmed to keep busy. We must know what is coming without smelling the roses or enjoying the moment. We want to feel productive. We want to know we matter by how much we have acquired. We feed our egos with labels and titles. God forbid we take time to heal ourselves from a lifetime of abuse by just allowing things to come up and out.

Darlings, at the end of the day those things that we claim are important don’t matter. Health, family, service to those around you, and connections are the directions on your love compass that matter.

Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself a break. Take this Pause as a gift to rest. You don’t have to know what needs doing or how to do it right now. We are all in this together. Some will go back to work. Some will have to reinvent themselves. And then there are some who will not be here for any of this. Be grateful and take your time. I love you.

What I Can Offer

I often wonder what I can offer someone in their journey. What kind of business can I create that allows another soul something special from me? There are thousands of healers. Millions of them trying to help others, many getting paid for their uniqueness.

What can I offer you that you cannot get somewhere else?

This is where we get stuck! The labels of worth. The doubts of what we are with a price. It’s always tricky.

What makes me any better than all those amazing coaches and intuitive out there? What is my calling or niche or specialty?

It’s rawness. It’s openness. It’s vulnerability. It’s knowing that I am not judging you because of your humanness.

Lately these are the questions that arise in my meditation practice. These are the thoughts I am putting out into the higher realms. I get the sweet answer within my chest vibrating with a giddy knowing. It’s lovely to feel and yet no definite answer except, “Trust in yourself!”

I can offer love. And so can others. I can sit and hear your story. Many can do the same. I can hold space for your trauma and pain. I know so many who are amazing at it too.

So what separates me from anyone? I can hear your story and help you rewrite parts that you are too close to notice. I can show you how old beliefs no longer help with creating new chapters. I can tend to your words and provide sacredness. I can hold your heart in a way that you start to recognize the love you have been gifted in this world. You begin to remember what you’ve forgotten.

I feel it. I am holding on to a thousand stories that are similar to yours. And this I know I can do. I can help you map out your goals and show you how you hold the compass to your future. You have the answers. I will be there to help you navigate.

I’m working with a fabulous woman who is helping me set up a professional website and move through the unknowns. I ask that you stay tune and I will be here waiting on whatever shows up… I will be here to help you in whatever way that may be.

Until then… I love you. I love you with the love you deeply deserve. We will work together. Soon.

~m.a.p.

Follow Your Dreams

For as long as I can remember I have ached to live and travel to all corners of the world. I have yearned to hear stories told and shared from everywhere. I’ve wanted to touch and inhale the essence of humanity, the borders of humanness. I’ve wanted to study empathy and compassion and what moves us to be who we are. I’ve been fascinated by spiritual and philosophical issues.

Reality has stopped me. I have had many lives in five decades. I have lived splendidly in ways that could fill several lifetimes. However, the edge of civilization is still waiting. It is luring me strongly. The gypsy in me has been held captive for most of my life. And this is alright! No shame in living a magical life full of lessons and experiences because that has brought about my authentic evolution. But, as of late, something has occurred: the calling has now become a scream. There are no whispers nudging at me to go out and reach the world. It’s more like speakers in constant noise screaming full blast, “It’s time now! Do something, woman!”

How does one follow these voices and nudges that bring us to the edge of the unknown? Responsibilities come first. I have a four year old and a one year old arriving soon. I have a husband. I try to shut it off. I have done everything to stay within this world of responsibility with no regrets because I truly love this life. Yet, nothing stops the purpose that has also been yearning and pushing me to find more stories. And, they do show up through serendipitous moments. They unfold right in front of me all the time. I am always in a state of awesomeness hearing the three things the human form searches: joy, love and faith. It is still not enough right now. Maybe this is a midlife crisis. Ever since returning from Peru my soul has been deeply restless dreaming and manifesting. Perhaps this yearning is an existential one. I don’t know!

I must stand back and really take time to figure things out. I know in the core of me that I am to merge my life with the world. Even in small dosages. I am on the edge of answers. I feel them knocking in meditation. I see them evolving in dreams. Signs are all over the place and guidance is slowly showing me. I need to sketch the details, ironing out financial responsibilities against the dreams and trusting I am always being supported for me and my family.

Don’t you feel the massive changes happening as well? Don’t you feel the bursting out and metamorphosis? It’s powerful.

I am slowly figuring out how to move through this point. I don’t know how or why this is happening now. It happened several years ago as well and my life changed drastically. I do know that something is about to explode, expand, and take off from me in order to reach my soul’s yearning. It’s been slowly building up and I am paying close attention. I am no longer able to stop this excitement or craving. I am setting the Muses free without restricting myself. I always feel that when we truly sit with the feelings, rather than avoid them, we create. We must iron out the doubts and fears. Write out everything so we can see it all…and then wait for the magic to take form.

I see it. I feel it. I can taste it. I am honoring it. I might not know how it will all come together but I am holding on to the feeling of it excitement.

The Edge of Madness

Yeah, you know the place well but you don’t have a name. It’s when You know that something is coming and it’s shifting but you can’t truly figure out what it looks like. It’s that place between certainty and the unknown. At times it is frustrating. It is nerve-wrecking because, as adults, we have been conditioned to be responsible with our choices. These are the opportunities that arise when we walk through intuition and not fear. These are the moments that show up when we have done everything we needed to accomplish for the highest evolution of the soul. But, now what? Yeah…that’s the magical question.

I’ve come to realize that I have to ask myself a few questions when this happens now and sit with pen and paper: (1) Where exactly is this Edge of Madness at? (2) What does the terrain look like when I stand firm on the ledge? (3) How am I feeling when I step back just a bit to observe where it’s taking me? and finally (4) Am I ready to fly off this cliff into my authentic life that will be joyous while trusting every cell of me to know that I am gonna be great? There is purpose in every answer.

That’s the thing about working towards a goal…it ends and we stand asking, “Now what? I don’t see the dot on the horizon and I thought I knew where I would be by now. Where do I go from here?” Make a new goal of not really planning anything for a bit. Let serendipity guide you through your inner GPS system. Let faith be the guiding light. Okay, maybe this is too woo-woo for some…but the alternative is obsessing and creating a sense of anxiety and fear. When you move through fear you lower your vibrations, therefore stopping the flow of all manifestations. Let it go and allow the Divine to guide you for a few days. You don’t have to figure things out RIGHT NOW. You can rest, play, create, journal, hike, or do whatever you need to do to release the unknown. You have just finished an incredible accomplishment. Here you are…take time to step back and watch the magic unfold. It’s time to breathe! ~m.a.p.

Happy New Everything

If you allow for it the world will move you every day to a place of complete openness. The hardest part is allowing the heart to stay open enough to receive the gifts. Some gifts will be painful and force you to grow for the betterment of your spiritual evolution. Others will contribute grace, adventure, and love to bring you closer into the web of humanity. Give yourself the permission this new year to experience all the wow’s and aha moments while staying in the present. They will transform you forever.

Take risks, move beyond the comfort zone, laugh more, love deeper, share your life with strangers, truly forgive, don’t forget to breathe and enjoy the ride. Do the things that make you come alive. Let go of the fears. Ask questions that force your consciousness to expand. Find a spiritual practice that grounds you and gives meaning to your existence. Step out into this world with zest. Create your resolutions if you feel they will help you. Make your vision boards for guidance. Make space in your life for more joy.

I will not be creating unrealistic goals this year. I will not be putting myself with the stress through expectations. I know how it feels to spin out of control because I cannot accomplish those tasks ASAP. I am allowing each moment to dictate what needs to be done. I am being mindful with my thoughts. No more expectations! They force Ego to dictate my mood. They also lead to extreme sense of failure and disappointments. Therefore, this new year I am just gonna surf it with a child-like sense of wonder and adventure. I will dance more under the stars, play with fairies in the creeks, ride unicorns through the woods, and allow Divinity to surprise me with magic. Let’s see where that will take me! There is yumminess in just allowing for the magic to come to me.

Feel the joy? I sure do!!!

I love you. Thank you for joining me here. I am forever grateful (and often shocked) by the kind and loving support. Together we can transform the next 365 days into the best year of our lives.

~Millie

Go For What You Believe

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Hello sweet loving souls! Stepping away sometimes creates a different energy to move into a truth that otherwise gets distorted with opinions and criticism. Usually it’s our own judgment. In order to obtain your goals you must step away from judgment. No other way around it. We get what we create: drama, weight, health issues, money, and whatever thought you are obsessing on. The surest way to get really sick is holding on to resentments. Let that shit go! Someone hurt you…yes, see all the sides of the story. Someone criticized you…yes, you can see how hurt they are in their own stories while pointing the finger at you. Own your part in everything. Take full responsibility in the saga. Realize that it’s all a matter of perception. Also recognize how pivotal those lessons are for the evolution of your soul.

You have a goal, dammit go for it! Even when your ego is bitchy and negative. Because guess what? You create through your vibe. What you put forth with high vibration and frequencies is what makes the heart fill up with joy and becomes yours. The only obstacle in your way is YOU and how you perceive your choices. Are you worth it? Do you deserve this? Do you really want it? Get pen and paper and write the things you desire. Thank the Universe, God, the great mysteries for it all. Be grateful for them already being in your life even if you find it impossible. Do not try and control the outcome. Just BE! I promise that you will get that or better. Have a blessed day. Go create a life full of magic and mysticism.

 

Nakedness of Letting Go

letting go

The other day a friend of mine stopped by to bring the baby some Valentine’s Day gifts. He and his girlfriend love our baby girl fiercely. This time when we spoke he was better than I have seen him in a long time. His energy was clear. He was on fire as he shared his recent accomplishment with his business while detailing the ins and outs of his goals. I told him that I was so happy because the last few times we visited he seemed truly depressed, down on his luck, and the feeling of overwhelming dread. Even though he always kept his spunky personality up, I could read through the charades. I understand what it is to put up a front. I also understand what it feels like to know there’s something more to the present circumstances.  It takes time to come to terms with loss and then rise to the new passions of endless possibilities.  You don’t have to reinvent the wheel but you can truly reinvent yourself.

We shared stories about loss, the destitution of having had money and then depending on others fore bare necessities. He shared how he had to be stripped of everything, including his car. This I know very well since I had to get rid of everything years ago. And, it is in that vulnerability and nakedness that power is born. We have no choice but to go up. So, to hear him express his newly business passion was awesome. It made me hopeful for my own goals. This period of time of uncertainty has slowly been passing. Doing nothing has allowed my spirit to chill and make no sudden irrational changes. I feel a mystical transformation arriving and it feels good.  Having my friend here was like having my own personal motivational speaker while being a cheerleader and pulling me with his newly found glee.  I, too, was left on fire with hope of a new way to reinvent myself.

Somehow we forget to surrender. When we are in a depression, embraced by anger and disappointments, we forget to just let go completely. It’s easier that way but we choose to fight easiness all the way to the bank. Often times we don’t allow ourselves the break of just being. Things will work out! My friend needed that time in order to find what really mattered. He had lived a successful life for many years. I believe he had to experience the side most people live on a daily basis. We all struggle through these economic times, personal losses, and the hardships of parenthood and adulthood. Many of us have to be stripped of everything materialistic in order to allow the ego to shut up. When you lose the extra baggage something magical happens: you are left to ask Spirit for help through an open heart of love. The money follows passion for helping others.  You want others to succeed.  You want others to have abundance with the freedom to pay it forward as well. We become vacant of everything but what truly matters to the soul.  It is then that the authentic self rises to the occasion and a new person is born.

I have had several moments in the past few months when I have doubted my own professional path. “What am I doing here? Why am I still in this place without barely making ends meet? What am I suppose to be doing? What can I do to to bring passion to my life again? How can I contribute to my life’s purpose?  What am I waiting for?” I know in the core of my essence I wasn’t put here just to pay bills and suffer month to month wondering if we will make it through another winter.  I know nothing during those times of mind struggle. I have nothing….oh, the questions and answers move around in a vortex.  It is through meditation that I find peace and quietness to deal with the nothingness and feel no guilt for wanting to stay there.  And, it is also through the winters that I find the real meaning of what comes next.

Today, remembering my friend, I am cutting myself some slack. I am sitting back watching the icy grounds, the sun melting the droplets from the trees, and enjoying the quietness of a winter mountain day. I am able to hear my little girl playing in her room, humming to herself, and every so often coming to sit on my lap. We have watched the dog run across the snow in the front lawn. We have laughed. I have no plans for today. I am cutting myself slack for the constant need of doing something productive. I don’t have to know the answers to my life this minute. I don’t have to know what will happen tomorrow. It’s in this nakedness of nothing and acceptance that I can enjoy today.  I keep letting go.

For the first time in months I am sleeping better. I am falling asleep and staying in dreamland throughout the night. The moment last week that I allowed myself to listen to his story I was reminded that I have been there…and now I am here. Give yourself permission to not have all the answers. But at the same time take time to meditate and reach the level of passion for the life you want. You have been placed on this earth for greatness…no matter what you do make it great!

There is no Passion in Settling

 

Settling seems to be a substantial form of acceptance.  We settle into an un-fulfilling job.  We accept and settle for a mate even though it is not a relationship that sustains us.  We settle into circumstances and stories.  Since children we are somehow taught that once a decision is made the outcome is all there is, so we need to settle.

I remember hearing all the time as a child “settle down.”  If I questioned something I needed to “backup and settle down.”  If I got into an abusive friendship or relationship others would say, “Isn’t that what you settled for?  Deal with it.  You play, you pay.”  Standing back now I realize that the word “settling” is negative.  At least it is for me. It is a synonym for adjusting, conforming and concluding something that is not authentic to my spirit.

I don’t want to just settle.  I want to make mistakes, move on and chose my life.  Settling seems so final.  It feels like an emotional death.  Why settle?  I refuse to just colonize with one particular thing.  Even when I began dating my boyfriend I put it out to the universe that it was a one-time shot.  We would go out and see what happened.  I wasn’t going to just settle into anything unless it enhanced the best of me.  In all of my past relationships I just settled.  I figured it was all that I deserved.  I know what my soul yearns.  It is in moments that I ignore the inkling that “settling” seems to be the only thing paralyzing me to do.  And now seven months later I know we haven’t settled.  We are moving together and expanding in every form of contentment.  No two moments are alike.  We each have our own goals and desires but we can walk the path together without judgment.

As parents, lovers, friends, and professionals we get comfortable and squat into our roles.  I have to ask myself now, what are these roles?  There is also the positive side of the phrase, “settling down” that seems to stem from the idea that we should not be alone.  “So-and-so got married and finally settled down.”  I have heard this so many times.  I often think, did that person just settle into a relationship in order to not be alone?  Or did that person finally find someone they wanted to build a healthy relationship with?  Is that person able to bring out the best qualities in them?  Is that person moving towards similar goals while sharing a path?  Settling down seems like a bunch of hogwash of pressure from a social interaction.

I recently met a woman who stayed in our retreat center.  She came to get married in a barn.  Her story fascinated me.  She and her husband met in high school.  She went off and traveled the world.  He got married and had a family.  He got divorced many years ago.  For the past 10 years he went to every high school reunion hoping to see her.  She never went to a single one of them.  She was too busy enjoying a life of adventure.  Finally she went to one last year.  They saw each other, picked off where they left off as teenagers, and now a year later got married on a barn on top of a mountain.  They are in their late fifties.  She said, “I wasn’t willing to settle down.  I wasn’t going to just settle for anything.  Life is too short.”  Those words pierced something in me about how I feel about settling.  When she was ready she finally explored the options to accept a mate into her life.  No one believed she would ever get married.  It has been most shocking to her.  But, in the midst of that shock she found true love.  She is ready to share, not settle, and keep having amazing adventures with a companion. And, this to me is what embraces a life full of truth and wonder.  Settling…yeah…that’s for those whose imagination is closed and unwilling to take risks.  I want to journey into the unknown and back rather than sit and wait for something better to come my way.  After all the pilgrimage is the best part.

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little.” – Thomas Merton