Coming Into the Light

I had a moment that lasted over 8 weeks. And, it turned into an ongoing sense of grief. Nothing, including meditation, allowed me to step outside of myself. No amount of nature seemed to help soothe me either. I was taking things one moment at a time.

I hid it for over 5 weeks pretty well. I thought! I began to slowly retrieve into aloneness. I began to use excuses to be with me. The demands of motherhood to young children at the age of 50 is daunting at times. I’ve been a mother for over 30 years. And it’s in middle age that I am consciously seeing the true work of parenting with its detrimental future outcomes. I can see how every choice and action affects these little ones. I have lived it from my older adult children.

I began having a giant pity party…which I loathe with a passion. I just couldn’t get out of it. I couldn’t figure out what was causing my deterioration. I could not talk myself into moving past it. I could barely even verbalize it. I continued showing up as happy, loving and supportive. I continued to spread love and inspiration on a daily basis but inside I was miserable. I was not me. I was someone I no longer recognized.

I had to stop. I had to breathe and stop pretending that I was “fine” when I wasn’t. And, I had to stop bulldozing myself into feeling better. I was actually contradicting the law of attraction because I was focusing on the lack of everything. And to me…this is unacceptable.

How could I cheerlead the world when my sadness was consuming me? I am really good at hiding shit when I don’t want to deal with pain. It’s my default programming.

But I went with it. I entered the dark night of the soul with a vengeance. In all Aries-woman fashion I gave it my all. Not a healthy suggestion for anyone (I promise it’s not for sissies). I wanted no help. I demanded seclusion. I expected the world to just know this, accept it, and conform to it.

I am grateful for the love and support around me. I don’t know how my seclusion has affected those in my small circle. And to be honest, I just couldn’t deal with those extra emotional concerns. Luckily I have some incredible friends who honored my wishes. They listened to the silence and the in-between aches. They knew my soul needed to just be.

I started a new job which is physically demanding while putting on hold my dreams of working for myself being an Intuitive Life Coach and Story Tender. I have a new schedule which has taken adjustments. Relationships around me began to crumble because of my lack of time and attention. And, there have been other components that added to the sadness. Many other revelations that I’ve avoided for decades. I began to notice how I allowed disrespect in many areas of my life. This was not really new but I had become tolerant to it. The truth is that what we resist does persist. No way around it but through it.

I was spending too much time apologizing to others for not being available which then angered me for having to use my little reserved energy in reassuring others. It began to take its toll on me. It was a lot!

I also felt ashamed and guilty. I couldn’t deal with the complexities of being “selfish” with my me-time. I couldn’t understand why I was living Groundhog Day every single day. What was I manifesting by my emotions? What was I putting out there energetically? So I began to question the universe about everything, but I refused to wait for answers. Once again, all in Aries style!

I learned something invaluable: I had to make my world tiny and take care of every single need that required my attention. I needed to take care of me for once. And every time I would venture to help someone I would get sick. My body felt physically ill by the extra output. This has been new territory of exploration. I had to learn to be compassionate with myself first and foremost. I had to learn to give to myself in the same loving manner I give to others.

Things began to unravel in ways that had gone unnoticed beforehand. I began to see. Really witnessing what needed addressing and changes in my life. The outside distractions weren’t there to filter these events and situations.

I began to understand that I am a wizard at avoiding hard experiences. I began to accept I needed to address old traumas. I started to take things apart and re-examine them like a forensic psychologist. I dove into my psyche during lunch hours. I began to see things differently. I don’t think I’ve ever done such deep work with myself (by myself). Who wants to have to address stinky old crap? I tend to move forward and not dwell back there. I took calculated analysis of the how’s and why’s while turning them into powerful lessons. The deeper I walked into the dark forest the harder it was to turn around and find the exit…so I kept going….

Hardly sleeping. Barely eating. Not much writing (which is therapy for me). I just decided to put on a costume of joy for the 8 hours at work and then take it off when I was home. It required intense energy and concentration. It has been quite the existential adventure. I’ve walked with faith holding on to a thread of hope…that I could muster through the muck. I wanted to know where God had been through all of it.

(He was always there. The Divine is mysterious but we must take time to listen).

This is the epitome of self-care. If you must recluse do it without explanations. Our society has programmed us to be at everyone’s beg and call. Technology makes it so. We feel guilty for not answering the calls, emails, and messages. We underestimate our desires for aloneness and healing. The truth is that we don’t owe anyone anything. We are responsible for our emotions alone. I cannot help anyone else when I’m barely making it throughout my day. And yes, we have folks who count on us. Those need to be taken into account but the rest of the world can wait a bit. You need to take care of you. You need to put the oxygen mask on first in order to help those next you.

I can only lead myself in and out of the journey. I can share with you my stories, but I cannot tell you what you should do. You, alone, get to decide how you heal from hurt and traumas. You get to put on your armor and figure out when it’s time to fight the demons from the past.

Self-care is self-love. I felt it was not so much a need as much as a survival necessity. There were moments I would check out emotionally and my spiritual body would begin to slowly realign. I recognized that depression was definitely trying to teach me something about me. It was getting my attention and I was going to listen.

It’s been a powerful few months. Pretending was a facade I could no longer continue. Weeks off social media helped me focus on so many things. The moment I began to deal with years of denial and loss I began to take on a new outlook. I began to write letters to the universe for clarity and forgiveness. I began to see my way out of the thick and dark wilderness. I began to stop questioning my purpose and find the depth of passion for living.

Because there is purpose. There is magic. There is light. There is love. There is connection. There are so many reasons to live for on a daily basis.

May your real life be as wonderful as the one you live on social media because you deserve happiness. Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s actual authenticity. Speaking your truth to those around you is imperative. You deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself and not just for the world to witness. You deserve to be raw and unapologetic for all that you feel.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around here. I am slowly returning but without the tolerance for fake facades. This is me unapologetic. To pretend to be anything else is total bullshit. I promise to always be as real as I can be without static. I promise to keep showing up and provide a spec of light on a daily basis through this form of gathering.

Now you…get out there and shine. Let’s be lotus flowers emerging from the depth of muck and darkness into a new dawn.

Advertisements

We are moving through toughness

I sat with my coffee mug snuggled inside both my cold hands while I was in a lotus position on my sofa this morning. The only light in the room was a salt lamp. I felt the heat from the mug rise to my face.

I’ve been cold.

I’ve been lost.

I’ve been sad.

And I’ve been questioning every single thing in my life. I have been tracing and retracing decisions, analyzing them in a forensic manner. It’s not like me. Yet, for weeks I’ve done nothing but try to fix past choices.

I’ve gone back in dreams trying to redo wrongdoings and the outcome never changes.

I know this is beyond ridiculous. But one thing that has shown up is that I’ve let go of regrets and resentments during these moments. It has helped clear up old karmic connections.

I have cut cords and allowed things to just be.

I entered meditation earlier this morning. The sound of darkness engulfed me. I felt the sting of grief come up again. It’s been coming and going for a bit. I felt the five stages come up in intervals: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The meditation was more like a release than a sacred ritual. And, that’s okay too.

I have no reasons for moving through this dark night of the soul. I’ve gone through this so many other times. I don’t know why it has reappeared. But, I do know that it won’t just disappear until I allow its course without resistance. I must do the work in the same manner that I tell my personal clients during intuitive counseling sessions. I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot help another if I don’t walk the same paths of least resistance.

I have a new day job. I’m working with infants. It’s been several weeks. I’ve moved from mental health nightmares to pure light in newborns. It’s been draining and exuberant simultaneously. It’s a bizarre contradiction. My days are long and physically draining. Before this they were long and emotionally vampiric.

I’ve experienced the duality of what makes us human. I’ve seen darkness and, now, light. But a part of me is in the middle asking and demanding all sorts of answers from the cosmos.

A friend gave me an intuitive reading months ago. She said I would be entering one of the darkest periods of my life. I told her, while laughing, that I have experienced those before. It surely cannot be that bad. (What a way to contradict experiences before they even happen)! I promised her I would be gentle with myself. I don’t do victim mode at all. I have little patience for pity parties. Yet, here I am. I find myself struggling with the most mundane decisions: hair up or leave it down. So I try both ways and instead of choosing a style I spend part of my day obsessing with it. Up and down. And the same goes for what I wear, what I need to say, and what I should be doing with my life.

This is not me. I have the impatience of a two year old with myself. I get shit done. I move to the next thing. Not lately! It seems as of everything is moving in a slow escalator and I must wait to get to where I’m going because it’s full of people and I can’t pass them. I’m at the mercy of the universe.

I had to remove myself from social media. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted Instagram from my phone. In order to survive whatever this is I have to make my world super small. Except for those who need a session, I’ve had to cancel commitments, events and just concentrate on this very single moment.

This is not for sissies. I told a dear friend this weekend to check on her friends…the ones who suddenly disappear and retreat into their world because it’s dangerous. I feel the more awakened one becomes the more disconnection shows up from the 3D world. It’s hard not to question everything. It’s hard not to want logical answers for the reasons we must struggle.

I have endless questions and then have to remind myself to just be.

Darlings, I’m feeling your heaviness. I read your messages and emails. I feel the collective and how this spiritual ascension is triggering us all. We are having to revisit old crap. We are having to let go and forgive. It’s okay. You are not alone. I have to believe we will be better once we get to the other side of this. I feel it. But in the meantime allow for the discomfort. Make time to be alone. Put your tiny world in the utmost priority. Put yourself in a bubble of self love.

I am with you holding you in grace….

I love you!

Just Say It

One of my biggest character flaws has always been not speaking up; waiting way too long after getting sick; and then walking away. I am learning that being authentic isn’t only about just being me and sharing…it’s about speaking up when injustice is felt or when my spirit is being strained through toxic energy.

This week has been extremely challenging and when it got to be too much I spoke up immediately. I spoke lovingly and without anger…but I spoke up and said my peace. I didn’t even weigh out the consequences because I knew what I was feeling was not acceptable.

Guess what happened? It was received in a loving manner. It was appreciated as a concern and not a critique. It was addressed and I felt a giant sense of pride. This is huge for me, in relationships, jobs, and life situations.

I cannot allow time to pass and I get sick for not expressing what aches I feel. It’s an injustice to my soul. So…at that very moment I promised myself that I will never allow discomfort from stopping me to speak my truth. A month or so ago I allowed someone to discard my truth. I never spoke up and it has been aching inside. This week’s challenge allowed me to see that there is no perfect timing.

If I wait for “a perfect opportunity” I will be waiting forever. When you have to say it, say it. Say it with love. Say it with concern. Leave anger out of the equation because folks immediately feel attacked. Say it because you cannot hold on to bullshit. Say it because life is too short and regrets are emotional vampires that suck on your healthy body. Regardless of how your ego dictates your worth, please speak up. And it isn’t your business how they receive it. The world won’t always like what you have to say. You speak up for you. Let God take care of the rest. Just do it!!!!

Let me help you

When my husband and I started dating he shared a story about his ex-wife. He believed he would never measure up to what she wanted in a partner and husband. He told me that she expected him to be Jesus in a pair of jeans. She wanted the religious figure in a normal man. No matter what he did he would never be perfect.

No one is. No one will ever be. That kind of expectation is inconceivable. But this was his story of why his marriage didn’t end with a happily ever after. The more he tried the less she was willing to meet him.

I remember this conversation sitting across from him at a diner. I still remember taking it all in and how he looked as he shared the story. After all, it was his story. And I began to question my own past stories and how my ex possibly saw me (or the lack of me…for that matter).

What truly happens when we dive into the old stories is that we also return to the feelings via some magical time machine. We begin to experience it all over again. We allow the stories at times to dictate our current events. We get stuck in this toxic loop and we can’t figure out how to change the emotions.

But…they are…stories. They are chronological events that create our future, especially if we don’t learn to heal. They are part of our history. At times the further distance we have from these stories the more complex we make them; the more distortion we also create. We give them more power than those stories deserve. We continue to manifest that things we know as true.

I collect stories from all walks of life. Even when someone hasn’t verbally shared. I have some bizarre gift of just knowing increments of their history. It’s not always a wonderful feeling. Sometimes it feels like a curse.

We move into our daily lives based on our past experiences. We get to this present moment transcending from our history. How we perceive those experiences determines how we evolve spiritually, physically and emotionally.

My husband has moved past those experiences through heartache and acceptance. I have done the same. We have learned to navigate the past, molding new journeys that include our partnership. That’s the relating part of relationships. We, together, have learned to flow into one another while releasing the past. By being together we have moved on to new and improved stories.

I’m here, darlings, building a business based on helping others rewrite their old beliefs and programming. I can help you edit your story so you do not feel stuck or reliving the same challenges.

Send me a message if you want to schedule a session (face to face or long distance). Our stories are powerful. They are amazing. But, they aren’t meant to keep you in an invisible prison that doesn’t allow you to live your best life.

Let’s work together through deep intuitive counseling to reach old beliefs and help rewrite a freer you. You do not deserve to continue living in a loop of resentments and self-sabotage.

Email: dharma.1111@hotmail.com.

Monk

I knew a monk. An ex-monk. He was a father to one of my daughter’s friend. Before I knew he was a monk I thought he was a saint. His daughter (and mine) both have mental disabilities. Even though they were 14 years old at the time they acted like 8 year olds with no sense of stability or safety. And when they got together it was challenging but I wanted her to have the same experiences as her siblings.

We would alternate visits. And each time I met him I was immediately calmed and collected. He was a sanctuary just by standing in front of me.

One day I asked for the secret. I had 6 kids all under 16 years in one house. Four of them with special needs. So he shared that he had been a monk in South America for many years, way before meeting his wife. And apparently, from my observations, he was still very monk like. He never lost that.

“When you no longer label the problem or situation, it dissipates. It has no power over you.”

“Your awareness is your reality.”

“Do not focus on the negative because you will continue receiving more of it. Focus on this moment of gratitude….”

There were so many messages.

This was over 15 years ago. But lately I am remembering a lot of the small lessons he would share with me. At the time I truly didn’t quite grasp his wisdom. I was stricken by constant anxiety believing I would never be a good enough mother to my kids. I ran a business with my ex that was extremely stressful. And we had money, and lots and lots of worries about all we owned. The more we made the more we bought and then worked like animals to sustain it.

There was no peace. There was zero spiritual awareness of what was important. We were lost in the material world and its worth. My ex needed a lot. And my life was centered around the children and his high-maintenance attitude.

When the monk would visit to get his daughter, or I would get her from his house, I felt a common energy flow of pure peace. There was the complete essence of now. Even with how difficult his daughter was at times.

I needed it. I would try and buy it. I did it all in order to sustain it. I wanted that peace and I would read about it. Study it. And chased after it with a vengeance. I was determined to find it in every religion and doctrine. In theory I became an expert on philosophy and how to attain peace.

Ha ha ha. And I never found it in those movies or books or talks.

It isn’t until you lose all that you think (and believe) you need that inner peace is truly birthed. That was a powerful lesson years later for me. And the wisdom began to visit through the nothingness. It began to reshape my spirit. I had to stop labeling and analyzing every single thing in my life.

Logic went out the window. Mysticism began to lead. Oh…and the magic that appeared in believing and allowing!

Today I remembered the monk dressed in his Bermuda shorts and polo shirts always ready to be in complete sacred presence.

I aspire for more of that in my life…Pure mindfulness and presence with all beings who share space with me. I aspire to love and be a messenger of love whenever the opportunity arises.

We need more of that calmness and sacredness now in our lives. In our country. In our world.

Thank you for your presence here joining me daily through your words and wisdom. The amount of sages on my social media feeds are delicious. We are all aspiring for peace, love and the inner light of grace.

The Sacredness of Presence

I was able to watch the sun come up today driving kiddos to school. It was later than usual. And those aha moments began to gather. I breathed deeply at the traffic lights. I inhaled the sun peeking. I exhaled to the awareness of presence. I teared up at the beauty all around me in these mountains and I recited my prayers of gratitude.

Who you are today is a compilation of every past experience. And, you are nothing of what you will be tomorrow. That’s the beautiful mysticism of understanding the evolution of the soul.

You are the universe embodied in a human vehicle. You are a zillion cells and infinite years old. Things change every second. I urge you to pay attention.

I’ve been wealthy. I’ve been poor. I’ve been a follower. I’ve been a teacher. I’ve been an avid student. I been a mother. I’ve been a wife and a lover. I’ve been angry and happy and lost and found. I’ve been broken and pasted back together mending in my private times. None of those labels will define my tomorrow because I am ever changing…but they have defined the soul I’ve become at this moment. Every single challenge and experience has molded me. It’s never the end. We are semicolons pausing and quickly beginning a new phase. Every single day.

Just as the sun rising and the night returning…You get to restart and reinvent yourself over and over. It’s a divine privilege. It’s your human right.

So don’t let the stress of tomorrow overshadow the sacredness of presence now. You will never be this young again. You will continue to grow in spirit and the moment you become aware of your power life will begin to shift.

I love you. Be present. Make it a point to stop, have a conscious breath, and taste your life for what it is. Whether it’s good or bad it is your life. And you can change it whenever your accept that this is not a prison life sentence. It is truly a magical experience of endless proportions.

~m.a.p.

Change of name…

For several years, this page has evolved from a Mystical Journey into a Sacred Journey. It was a forum to share my blog and stories from all walks of life. In the last year the page has become more of an inspirational page to help raise the vibrations of social media and negativity. Along my own personal journey I have evolved as well. I have received clarity in what I am suppose to be sharing and writing. Recently, I opened up a business under “Sacred Journey” where I can do intuitive counseling and help others in their journey.

But I am also a Story Tender.

What’s a Story Tender you might be wondering?

It’s sharing sacred space with someone as they share their stories. Those who are stuck and need a little nudge, I can help light the way. I take their stories, old programming and beliefs, and help them reorganize their thoughts. I help facilitate the doubts, hurt, and other traumas while turning them into empowering opportunities. Basically, I am a love cheerleader helping others navigate through the muck into their own inner beauty and strength. Just like the lotus flower, we all have the willingness and determination to be the best version of ourselves while birthing in the darkest of moments.

Sometimes we just need a little help. We need to connect with another and recognize that we are not alone on this journey. That’s the sacred journey for me…to be available to meet others wherever they are at.

Currently I have a web designer working on my professional website to offer services, retreats, workshops and one-on-one sessions. I’m excited for what’s coming up and the endless possibilities of meeting amazing souls.

Thank you for sticking with me as I, too, emerge into my authentic self… filled through love and grace. The collective is shifting and we need all the help we can get at this time. We are one. Mucho love!!!

Millie A. Parmer