grieving – Moments with Millie

A few days ago I caught up with a dear friend. He began to express that it’s been one of the darkest moments in a long time for him. I heard what was said and the underlining of what wasn’t. My heart was fracturing as I listened to him. I have had moments like this. I have witnessed friends lose their jobs after 20 years. I have seen some others drink their problems away thus creating a blockage and denying all the emotions inside. I have seen others just disappear into their own shelter without a word. I have heard from others whose health have deteriorated asking for a purpose to it all. I have experienced the death of some others who just couldn’t handle the massive shifting of life because sometimes it’s all freaking shit. It’s hard. It’s unfair. It can suck us thin while removing our faith in humanity. And, as if all this wasn’t right on the surface of deep empathy, I was then asked that same afternoon by someone else, “Can a person die of a broken heart?” I immediately answered, “Absolutely! We can die from anything we manifest through thought and emotion whether it is in abundance or the lack of it.”

For most of my life the answer to that question was an absolute “no!” I did not believe you could die from a broken heart. Grieving passes. We get through things. At least…we should. However, things have changed. I have changed and experienced the shattering of my heart several times. We all have. Our stories consist of fractures, brokenness, fragments and so much more. It’s part of being human. One important criteria for living is feeling. The more you feel, the more exposed you are to disappointments, anger, hatred, heartbreaks, dishonesty, etc. But, on the same token we are also exposed to joy, beauty, love, and the rainbows of a thousand delicious emotions. The darkest of hours and moments in our lives push us to either lock up or open up wider. It’s a choice…but we must endure it. Life is not really meant to be a struggle but we sure do a great amount of persistence to make it be impossible. There are always lessons in these experiences. Without sounding over dramatic, I do believe we can die of a broken heart that manifests into a heart attack. We can create illnesses, weaknesses and every imaginable bad thing that can be attracted by intention.

My father had several open heart surgeries. He was a man who loved deeply. He was a Casanova, that one guy that lit a room with his charisma and good looks. He was charming, funny, friendly and extremely loving. He was a womanizer and had a PhD from the Houdini University of Disappearing Into Thin Air. He knew when to take it all in but not know when to let go. My father’s heart was wide open. He wore it on his sleeve, apparently with everyone. And so, he died with heart problems, prostate cancer, and a solitary journey to his death that was long and painful. His mind left him years before he was gone. My father died of not only a broken heart but resentments, anger, and disappointments that he couldn’t express. He lived in his own hell. Each one of us has an incredible novel and his was definitely not boring. He punished himself till the very end for all that he thought he created to hurt others.

We are all going to die. It’s a given. The moment you are born that’s the point of destination. What we do with the in-between is called life. Allow for the darkest parts to guide you into the light. Let creativity step in. A friend sent me a sweet message in an email, “Create! Save God from Boredom!” If you allow your heart to stay open and you accept your presence as a conduit from Divinity you will not die of a broken heart. You will fly and your Spirit will thank you for being authentic to your purpose. Create doesn’t mean to make a painting. It means create all that you want with intention. Do not let your heart close up. Do not let it die before your time. Do not let the past dictate your future. You don’t live there anymore. If you are sad, sit with it. If you are happy invite that to stay for longer. We grieve, we love, we give, and we die. Amidst the gasps of it all lies the purpose and the legacy of who you are.

Surrender to the unknown!

Make it magical!

I love you!

This was the first time the sun embraced me. It was the first time the wind caressed my face. I sat this morning on a bench staring at a cloudless infinite blue sky overlooking the frozen pond. I’ve never witnessed such beauty before in my life. The back drop of mountains seemed fake, a screen saver of sorts. A few nights ago Matt kissed me and it was the first time I felt such delight. “He is beautiful,” I thought to myself. He touched my hand in the emergency room five days ago and whispered as I was coming back into my body, “Hey, I love you!” I smiled. I never really heard those words before.

I never noticed souls so clearly before. My own spirit was still trying to fit in a body that was foreign to me. I was a newborn baby trying to squeeze into this outfit called “a body.”

The details of what happened to me last Wednesday aren’t important. There are millions of stories from people who return from the journey to the unknown. I can’t speak for them. I can only tell my reality of what it is to be touched by spirit while not being present in a body. How many second chances does one get? How many lives do we have? What’s the Statute of Limitation on these events? My body is depleted but healing slowly now at home. I have been releasing things I didn’t know I had stored in some cellular compartment. This is good. This is a wonderful path to some new place I had never experienced before.

As I woke, consciously back into this awareness, I felt the pain of needles, wires attaching everywhere on my body, and the hands of my love holding me on the side of the bed welcoming me back to be here. I will never know what others felt or experienced in those moments. I am loved so deeply.

I am slower not because I choose to be, but because it feels right. I am aware of every piece of fabric on my skin, water going down my throat, the touch of hair on my face, the way my tongue lies in my mouth, fingers touching my own hands, hot water against my back, each breath I inhale and exhale looking at my animals, the look on my daughter’s face as she speaks to me, the look on a friend’s face as she touched me, my sons’ tone and words on the phone, the way Matt’s hands touch my neck…. A thousand impulses run through me while remaining in this precious moment. I am overwhelmed at times with the sensory overload. I have no choice but to stay in the present. Life is new. Each moment becomes the “first time” of life.

I have played tic-tac-toe many times before. This time I played with destiny and the world beyond this realm. I won and was able to return. Why have I rushed through everything? Why have I suppressed so much all of my life? I’ve been hypocritical when I have thought I was letting go and telling others to move on. There is a difference between “not dwelling” on the past and actually “accepting things and moving forward.”

My neurologist was angelic. She said to me the next morning, “You don’t know what you don’t know until you do.” We are responsible for our feelings and how we perceive our lives. If we don’t know something is killing us slowly we just can’t see it. But, once we do know then we are responsible for facing those things. Stress will kill us. No one is immune to it. There is no social class, ethnicity, gender, age, or anything that discriminates stress. Even though I am healthy as an ox something forced me to die. I will never understand how and why. It’s not for me to figure this out. Today is new. Every second counts. I am willing to remain present because I have been gifted more minutes, seconds, days, and so on. Don’t take moments for granted. Don’t dismiss your life for one second. Everything that happens is a gift. The good and the bad are blessings. Allow yourself the courage and peace to release those things to the Divine. Mucho love to all.

Moments with Millie

Tag: grieving

A Broken Heart

First Time