Marriage is Loving Work

I adore my husband.

He loves me.

Not in the way he says it. In the way he cares for our children. In the way he does things when he doesn’t know I’m watching. In the way he makes breakfast when he’s exhausted on a Saturday morning. Or the way he tells me to leave them with him so I can go run errands. In that he runs me a warm bath (and feeds the kids) because I’m in severe pain after work. In the way he tucks me in after he’s tucked our little girl. In the way he gets my favorite foods and drinks. He loves me in spite of my idiosyncrasies or woo-woo-ness. He loves me when I’m heavy or shed the weight. Whether I have red or purple hair. Even if I am a hot mess. He loves me because he found that my love for him will move mountains. He has felt my admiration and profound affection. He has seen what love looks like and it came dressed as a short-middle-aged Puerto Rican woman who doesn’t always speak perfect English (and she’s not Scarlet Johansson)!

Marriage isn’t perfect. We work at it. Some days more than others. Some months with anger, exhaustion, and annoyance. We forgive. We work at it when we are levelheaded, or when we allow space for other shit to surface. It’s not easy. It’s having a long term roommate. It is a constant work in progress. We continue to work through our baggages from past relationships. In all our years we’ve had maybe a handful of arguments. We are sarcastic and humorous. We both have sick killer wits. We are silly and loving. We compliment each other because huge opposites do attract. We can share deep conversations about the world and still not feel attacked with our differences. He’s a warrior and I’m a love-pacifist. But we both have similar beliefs.

He has become a father to children who aren’t ours. He has shown up to be the most attentive dad to them. He never (for one moment) has regretted it or wished it was different. And if there are more to take in I know he’s the first to grab a bag and go get them. There is a partnership with all of us in our home. It starts with commitment and working through so much of our human crap at times. Our egos sometimes take leadership but we are blessed to call each other on it even if we get butt hurt for a moment.

I never ever thought I would ever marry again or be in a committed relationship. It was not in my life goals or desires. I just wanted someone to be around and do things with, head to a movie, hike, and have fun. I got a lot more than that. He trusts my intuition and when I speak of our future together he rarely disputes on how the messages show up or how I am manifesting our next project.

And if I, or the kids, were in any kind of trouble, or someone messes with us, I feel sorry for that person. He’s not only our bodyguard… he’s a true galactic warrior at heart. He would do anything for us. I never had that before. I was never shown what true commitment looked like. I had nothing to model. My eldest son always says he is a man of chivalry and admires him for it.

So if you have this please do whatever it takes to keep it. Make sure you let the bad days come and go. Allow for them. They make for excellent lessons. Put down your insecurities (which is hard at times). Fight for what you love, who you love and what is yours. Love isn’t wrapped in perfection. It comes in the most fascinating and strangest of ways. This man saw something in me that I never saw in myself. And he continues to show me the many aspects of my personality through his perspective. I get to witness his own soul growing and expanding into a magical loving knight.

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Changes

Change is coming.

As I sit on my back deck I catch the first sign of the autumn leaves turning. I’m not ready for summer to be over. I am not ready for fall just yet. There has been a freeing and release this summer. There has been a spiritual expansion that has allowed me to truly work on some beautiful projects. Huge shifts have happened and continue to evolve. Seeing these leaves turning somehow matches part of my emotional journey.

I saw a black bear in our yard a few mornings ago as I was headed out to work. Just seeing it made me giddy. I received the synchronicity and serendipitous message of his presence…the power of this animal totem.

I am aware of the signs and messages pushing me to truly stay grounded.

I am turning. I am also transforming from one season into another. As much as I want to hang on to the greenery and warmth of summer I recognize the desire to move inward. It’s in upcoming months that I move internally to create.

The last few months have brought a huge awareness of what and who I allow in my life. It’s not just the physical weight I’ve shed these last few months but lots of emotional baggage as well. I have rid myself of major toxic energy. I have learned to protect myself from things that would bring others down. It’s been a wonderful season of bearing down and letting go. It’s been a season of exposure from darkness into light.

The sun has been lovely and the growth has been magical. I have seen mysticism all around me, from children to elderly folks and lots of amazing animals in these mountains (giving messages from other realms).

There is still time to settle into the long nights of summer. There is tremendous gratitude for my life and those I love beyond words. Seasons may come and go but my inner circle of friends and family continue to warm my heart all year long.

Slow down and watch the world around you. There is a magnificent shift in our timelines happening right now. All we have to do is pay attention for the changes…the small and the large ones.

I see you.

I honor you.

I love you.

Life is a Journey

I’m reminded, often, that when things start to run smoothly there may be a fork on the road (or a sink hole in the path) and I must learn a new way to navigate. I must become mindful of how to continue traveling.

It’s life.

It consists of ups and downs. It has mountains and valleys. It has really beautiful terrains and some very challenging ones. It has amazing weather and catastrophic storms. I have learned to trust in what I can’t see…but wholeheartedly feel.

I am led by magic.

And I pray a lot. I meditate daily. I also freaking negotiate with my higher guidance, counsel with God, and hold deep meetings with angels because I am, after all, the CEO of my life. I need all the help I can get. I am not alone on this spiritual walk in this human vehicle.

This doesn’t exempt me from worrying. It doesn’t separate my ego from the equation. I have lessons to learn along the journey. Some are brutal. Some are mystical. Some are intimately sacred. Some are full of more questions than answers.

Today may be okay. Tomorrow may be amazing. The next day may just be the worst of all days. But it all evens out if I am willing to view (and accept) this life as an adventure of extraordinary gifts.

Don’t let a bad season determine your worth. I have to remind myself of this too. Trust in your knowing. Stop the naysayers from influencing your emotions. Detox your life from everything and everyone who doesn’t lift you. You know you, and your life, better than anyone else.

You have so many delicious days ahead. You get to design the life you want by the choices you make. You get to show up on this journey and decide which path you take. Take the one with least resistance. Believe me!

I love you.

Show Up and Don’t Give Up

It’s time to shift your awareness and perspective. It’s time to truly be the most amazing version of yourself. The world needs it. It needs you to heal and help others heal.

To blame others for my full participation in the drama is moronic. I cannot blame someone for me staying in a toxic relationship. I can blame my inability to move away from the fear and manipulation from that person while giving away my power. But he or she were not holding me captive. My perspective of the obstacle was my enemy.

I cannot blame someone else for screwing me up in business. I participated knowing that person’s character. But I did it anyway.

Most of the obstacles, events, and experiences that we believe are happening to us (while in victim mode) are happening through us.

Read that again if you can’t grasp it!

You have created a life that is comfortable even in the discomfort. You know it fully. You might hate it. You might be stuck in the past beating yourself up for mistakes and then taking it out on the world. You continue to blame everyone around you. But I can assure you that when you spiritually connect to your truth you will figure out that no one is to blame for many of the things you endure. Your past determines a lot of your future choices so be mindful of the journey. You get a tremendous opportunity, daily, to shift gears and make something out of your life.

Have courage. Rise above the victim mentality into something that teaches you invaluable experiences.

And yes, there are cases of abuse and violence that you didn’t ask for, or consciously attracted. There are diseases and so much that we don’t get a say on. There is still bad in the world.

We have duality in our lives. We move through the dark into light a million times. We get to choose how, when, and where.

Blaming everyone else for not having the right job, or being in a shitty relationship, or not having enough money is truly inexcusable. Pointing fingers at everyone else instead of moving inward and finding the answers is pure avoidance.

You have the power to change your circumstances one step at a time. When you leave the victim mode you will begin to take control of your life. Trust in your capacity to manifest. Believe in your innate and divine ability to set healthy boundaries. Most of us were not taught this early on. It’s all about reprogramming your wiring. Show up. Keep going. Manifest your desires. You are in control of your thoughts. Start to shift into a higher vibrational frequency.

You’ve got this!

Solar Eclipse of the Heart

Ohhhh today’s Solar Eclipse!!!

Remember the 80s song Total Eclipse of the Heart?

Yeah…that!

Are you feeling the expansion?

Sweats, heart racing, nasty headaches, nausea and some other body spasms? The last few days have been a programming of ups and downs full of lots of emotions. Heart blasting ones. Memories from the past have felt like an eclipse of time.

You aren’t going crazy. There are several retrogrades in the cosmos as well. It’s some yummy intense energy in the esoteric realm pushing awareness and waking the body up. It’s asking (actually it’s begging) us to pay attention and open ourselves to love and truth.

How do we grow? Through discomfort most of the time. It’s unfortunate but a true observation.

Allow for these discomforts to show up and move on. Don’t overdo it. Be gentle with your body. Be kind to your thoughts. Meditate. Be still but do something that brings you joy. Stop beating yourself up for what you’ve done or don’t do. It’s truly remarkable to be in your spiritual body and recognize that this is not real. You are a spectator of your movies and drama. Do not second guess yourself.

Now go hug your spirit. It’s working really really really hard this week trying to stay in this human chaos.

I love you. Love yourself as well. Have a blessed day.

It’s Time for Manifesting

In my cosmic travels I have been experiencing a giant wave. As if this wave is the mass consciousness that is slowly shifting. What is appearing is going to be collapsing timelines. It’s gonna question realities. The craziness we experience full of anxiety is the riptide that is clearing everything from our lives. I am experiencing more truth and openness in people. I am seeing a massive acceptance to communicating with spirits or people coming out and sharing about ET encounters. The higher self is no longer sitting back and waiting for the SELF to call on it. It knows that ego is a human factor that needs to be tamed. And it isn’t waiting for our humanness to decide. We are either in acceptance through love or in total fear through ego dictating. More folks are having deep visions and experiencing travels through other realities and dimensions. We are truly living higher dimensions within ourselves. People who doubt their abilities to

See and feel are still worrying about what others think. This is low level frequency. You cannot move past to higher vibration while you live in doubt and fear. So let it go. It’s time.

In this space we are manifesting quickly. If you are in a negative space you will continue to create that which you are focusing on. If you can shift it to a higher vibration you can create positive outcomes. I know it’s hard. It’s challenging but you must be aware of your thoughts at all times because the energy is moving at a higher frequency.

This new era is magical. It is truly about aligning with your desires and your purpose. It’s about complete authenticity. You can wallow in a pity party of cannot’s or you can create the why not’s that will elevate you to other worlds. The veils aren’t real. We have chosen to put blinders on because of old-world programming.

Meditate. Accept. Release. Love. Keep forgiving. Send that vibration of pure divine essence to all. We are standing on the edge of a new Dawn. And we get to decide how we will show up. We get to collectively change the world with our imaginations and thoughts.

Coming Into the Light

I had a moment that lasted over 8 weeks. And, it turned into an ongoing sense of grief. Nothing, including meditation, allowed me to step outside of myself. No amount of nature seemed to help soothe me either. I was taking things one moment at a time.

I hid it for over 5 weeks pretty well. I thought! I began to slowly retrieve into aloneness. I began to use excuses to be with me. The demands of motherhood to young children at the age of 50 is daunting at times. I’ve been a mother for over 30 years. And it’s in middle age that I am consciously seeing the true work of parenting with its detrimental future outcomes. I can see how every choice and action affects these little ones. I have lived it from my older adult children.

I began having a giant pity party…which I loathe with a passion. I just couldn’t get out of it. I couldn’t figure out what was causing my deterioration. I could not talk myself into moving past it. I could barely even verbalize it. I continued showing up as happy, loving and supportive. I continued to spread love and inspiration on a daily basis but inside I was miserable. I was not me. I was someone I no longer recognized.

I had to stop. I had to breathe and stop pretending that I was “fine” when I wasn’t. And, I had to stop bulldozing myself into feeling better. I was actually contradicting the law of attraction because I was focusing on the lack of everything. And to me…this is unacceptable.

How could I cheerlead the world when my sadness was consuming me? I am really good at hiding shit when I don’t want to deal with pain. It’s my default programming.

But I went with it. I entered the dark night of the soul with a vengeance. In all Aries-woman fashion I gave it my all. Not a healthy suggestion for anyone (I promise it’s not for sissies). I wanted no help. I demanded seclusion. I expected the world to just know this, accept it, and conform to it.

I am grateful for the love and support around me. I don’t know how my seclusion has affected those in my small circle. And to be honest, I just couldn’t deal with those extra emotional concerns. Luckily I have some incredible friends who honored my wishes. They listened to the silence and the in-between aches. They knew my soul needed to just be.

I started a new job which is physically demanding while putting on hold my dreams of working for myself being an Intuitive Life Coach and Story Tender. I have a new schedule which has taken adjustments. Relationships around me began to crumble because of my lack of time and attention. And, there have been other components that added to the sadness. Many other revelations that I’ve avoided for decades. I began to notice how I allowed disrespect in many areas of my life. This was not really new but I had become tolerant to it. The truth is that what we resist does persist. No way around it but through it.

I was spending too much time apologizing to others for not being available which then angered me for having to use my little reserved energy in reassuring others. It began to take its toll on me. It was a lot!

I also felt ashamed and guilty. I couldn’t deal with the complexities of being “selfish” with my me-time. I couldn’t understand why I was living Groundhog Day every single day. What was I manifesting by my emotions? What was I putting out there energetically? So I began to question the universe about everything, but I refused to wait for answers. Once again, all in Aries style!

I learned something invaluable: I had to make my world tiny and take care of every single need that required my attention. I needed to take care of me for once. And every time I would venture to help someone I would get sick. My body felt physically ill by the extra output. This has been new territory of exploration. I had to learn to be compassionate with myself first and foremost. I had to learn to give to myself in the same loving manner I give to others.

Things began to unravel in ways that had gone unnoticed beforehand. I began to see. Really witnessing what needed addressing and changes in my life. The outside distractions weren’t there to filter these events and situations.

I began to understand that I am a wizard at avoiding hard experiences. I began to accept I needed to address old traumas. I started to take things apart and re-examine them like a forensic psychologist. I dove into my psyche during lunch hours. I began to see things differently. I don’t think I’ve ever done such deep work with myself (by myself). Who wants to have to address stinky old crap? I tend to move forward and not dwell back there. I took calculated analysis of the how’s and why’s while turning them into powerful lessons. The deeper I walked into the dark forest the harder it was to turn around and find the exit…so I kept going….

Hardly sleeping. Barely eating. Not much writing (which is therapy for me). I just decided to put on a costume of joy for the 8 hours at work and then take it off when I was home. It required intense energy and concentration. It has been quite the existential adventure. I’ve walked with faith holding on to a thread of hope…that I could muster through the muck. I wanted to know where God had been through all of it.

(He was always there. The Divine is mysterious but we must take time to listen).

This is the epitome of self-care. If you must recluse do it without explanations. Our society has programmed us to be at everyone’s beg and call. Technology makes it so. We feel guilty for not answering the calls, emails, and messages. We underestimate our desires for aloneness and healing. The truth is that we don’t owe anyone anything. We are responsible for our emotions alone. I cannot help anyone else when I’m barely making it throughout my day. And yes, we have folks who count on us. Those need to be taken into account but the rest of the world can wait a bit. You need to take care of you. You need to put the oxygen mask on first in order to help those next you.

I can only lead myself in and out of the journey. I can share with you my stories, but I cannot tell you what you should do. You, alone, get to decide how you heal from hurt and traumas. You get to put on your armor and figure out when it’s time to fight the demons from the past.

Self-care is self-love. I felt it was not so much a need as much as a survival necessity. There were moments I would check out emotionally and my spiritual body would begin to slowly realign. I recognized that depression was definitely trying to teach me something about me. It was getting my attention and I was going to listen.

It’s been a powerful few months. Pretending was a facade I could no longer continue. Weeks off social media helped me focus on so many things. The moment I began to deal with years of denial and loss I began to take on a new outlook. I began to write letters to the universe for clarity and forgiveness. I began to see my way out of the thick and dark wilderness. I began to stop questioning my purpose and find the depth of passion for living.

Because there is purpose. There is magic. There is light. There is love. There is connection. There are so many reasons to live for on a daily basis.

May your real life be as wonderful as the one you live on social media because you deserve happiness. Vulnerability is not weakness. It’s actual authenticity. Speaking your truth to those around you is imperative. You deserve to be the best version of yourself for yourself and not just for the world to witness. You deserve to be raw and unapologetic for all that you feel.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around here. I am slowly returning but without the tolerance for fake facades. This is me unapologetic. To pretend to be anything else is total bullshit. I promise to always be as real as I can be without static. I promise to keep showing up and provide a spec of light on a daily basis through this form of gathering.

Now you…get out there and shine. Let’s be lotus flowers emerging from the depth of muck and darkness into a new dawn.