Tag: healing

Vulnerability

On By Moments with MillieIn EssayLeave a comment

Vulnerability!

That’s the word of this week since my book came out. I have been sent photos of friends holding my book, Erasable. I have had endless text messages about how the book made them feel. I have had an outpour of love beyond what I can ever wrap my head and heart around.

I don’t know much about how it is received by strangers. But, I do know one thing for certain: it’s a book about overcoming tremendous challenges. It’s a story similar to yours. It’s you in many ways. Take whatever resonates.

We read books, watch movies, and listen to others tell stories because we want to feel seen, understood, and accepted. Mine is no different.

I have been asked about the foreword. My dear friend, Rebecca Saltman, was kind enough to write it. She introduced me to the publishers when I contributed a chapter in her and Jade Redher’s anthology, U Empath You, back at the beginning of the year.

When I was in a moment of getting ready to pull the entire project and close shop, my publisher suggested I let Rebecca read the book. Only three other people had read this book before (many years ago): Angelica Pizano, Michael Thomas, and a professor in Durham, North Carolina, who mutilated the first draft (so much so that I hid the manuscript for almost 3 years in a desk drawer). But, he did me a favor because it was the exact healing I needed from this memoir. I had not come to terms with loss, rape, grief, heartache, and all the delicious joy that has come from this incredible life. I am blessed to have this life, the children who call me Mom, and the folks who raise me up to believe in myself… daily!

The professor was kind enough to show me that I still had to shift the voice. My first draft was written in stream of consciousness because I wrote it right after I lost my memory… and it was the only voice I had available. It read as if you were in my head and many times it was lost in translation.

So, Rebecca sat and read the pdf, pulling me from the doubts and insecurities. She had a stern talk with me, basically letting me know to put on my big girl panties on and move through the publishing process. I cannot imagine having anyone do the foreword as she knows the process of writing and publishing. Her foreword is a love letter of sorts as she retells the story of how her deceased father, Jack, came to me on one of our first conversations back in the summer of 2021.

I am beyond grateful for the love and support, not just from those who know me, but many who are reading this story. I have had friends from years ago reach out asking why I hadn’t shared the tidbits of my life. Why I never told them of my accidents?

I live forward. I don’t live back there. The story isn’t about survival. The story is about thriving even in the midst of turmoil. It’s about you. You taking every step with faith and a certainty that no matter what happens in your life you have the will and choice to make it through. You are invincible… not invisible. You matter. You aren’t erasable even when you feel unseen. And, if you aren’t feeling it then please look around and see what needs shifting in your life.

Thank you for the messages, emails, texts and phone calls. I had so many reservations about my story for two decades. I also knew that in order to be really honest I needed to put away any expectations of how it would be received. In the end, Erasable has healed the inner wounds that had me imprisoned for so long. It has lightened my heart with massive release and forgiveness. I feel free for once in this lifetime. I am stepping into a divine journey of self-love and acceptance.

I am in love… with you all! Thank you!

Millie

No More Silencing Your Stories

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay2 Comments

I wrote a piece on my other page Sacred Journey Inward:

I am seeing the shift happening with women (and men). We aren’t silencing our traumas. We are healing through our words. The shame of old wounds is coming to light. We are releasing like never before.

I wrote this many years ago about my rape. I didn’t share with a single soul until only a few years ago. It has been 36 years since that moment that would forever change the way I saw intimacy. And it has been in the last few months that I have finally spoken about that event without guilt, shame or self-judgment. It was also my last marriage that brought so much to light and one of the reasons I had to end the relationship. My silencing was unacceptable. My inner pain was more than I could handle through lack of self-worth. There were too many variables the returned to that stranger degrading me and taking my innocence.

No mas! No more! There is a voice inside that will never shut up again. And, I am seeing it from children to the elderly. We are no longer in a time of pushing secrets under the rug or in closets….

for the rest of the share: https://www.sacredjourneyinward.com/blog/i-wont-tell-you

I love you!

Millie

The Gift of Darkness

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay3 Comments

I met Nikki in Starbucks this morning. She was three people behind me in the line. Once I ordered I walked towards her and whispered, “I’m sure you get this a lot but you are absolutely gorgeous.”

She looked into my eyes and told me she didn’t.

“What’s wrong with people?” I asked smiling.

“Thank you so much for that compliment.” Her eyes began to tear up. “I don’t feel well today.”

“Girl, you fake it well.” I asked her for a hug and she began to cry.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetheart! It’s only one day. You fake it well. Actually that’s such shit, you know. That whole statement of faking it till you make it. It’s like stomping vulnerability in fear that the world will witness your humanity!”

She cried while nodding in agreement. I reached for her hands.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s aching in that tender heart?”

She shared right there in line, after she placed her order. She let go briefly of something so harsh and it came out in small syllables. So we hugged. We connected. I told her it was one day. It was one month. It was just life but that came short of what truly aches in her. I will never know the entire story and I don’t care to. What I know is that she was hurting.

I felt the break. I kissed her cheek and told her I would send her loving light and prayers. She accepted them. And just like that it was over.

It only takes one second to smile or reach towards another. She needed that release. I happened to be the catalyst and it could have been anyone.

Mary Oliver’s line is always one I use to remind myself that in darkness there are gifts just as many as in light. It’s all how you show up and allow for the lessons to unfold. Don’t let one situation dictate your entire life. Life fluctuates between the dark and the light… and they are both encompass by love.

I love you,

Millie

We Get to Choose Our Focus

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay6 Comments
(google image)

Something happens among strangers who aren’t trying to impress or move through egotism. There’s a mystical connection and awareness through a touch, a word, small conversation or a glance. Life simply exists without the expectation of fulfilling the other. Strangers dive into the rarest form of freedom and many times without filtering truth. At least this happens with me a lot and I dance in the union of such moments.

Not long ago I went to Goodwill to drop off stuff and decided to go in to get my daughter something for her computer. As I was kneeling in the electronic area I heard the most beautiful melodic male voice singing along to the store’s music. He was right behind me. Without getting up or turning around I said to him, behind me, “You have one of the loveliest voices I’ve ever heard!” I got up and looked at a gentleman in his late 60’s or early 70’s.

He kindly said, “Wow, thank you! When I was younger I sang all the time. I have had cancer three times and with it and the chemo my voice has disappeared.” He shared a glimpse to his story.

At that very moment I got closer to him, looked into the depth of his brown eyes and said, “You are a gift to still be standing here and singing with such hope. You are a miracle. How very awesome to walk near death but continue this journey of faith and humanity!”

The man smiled, began to tear up as I could witness he was having an Aha Moment. I could see his humanness and ego take a backseat. I could see in seconds through the glances that his wheels were turning reacting to memories, the journey, and events.

“I can’t tell you what your words have meant to me right now,” He began to speak as he composed his spirit. “I have rarely been grateful for anything, less this horrible disease until you just said this. Thank you!”

I smiled, touching his hand in mine, “Keep on singing! You touch others with that magical voice. You touched me.”

He hugged me and dropped the items from his hands on the shelf and left the store gathering his tears through his fingers. I felt horrible for a second but knew the message didn’t come from me. This message of gratitude was something the Divine needed to share with this man through sacredness. As I sat in my car I began to shed tears for my own gratitude. I, too, walk here in a journey of faith and hope.

This stranger’s spirit touched the core of me. I needed his song to move me just as much as he needed to hear words of encouragement. What a mystical union for us both! I am forever touched by strangers, their kindness, wisdom, laughter, smiles, and stories. We are all connected holding the earth up with love, stories, and hope.

With all the storms, fires, anger, sorrow, loss, and uncertainties we truly need to come together to remind each other of the simple things. We need to remember what is important. We need acknowledgment and honoring. I am appreciative for these Angels who come into my life daily to remind me of love and what’s important on this journey. We get to decide what we focus on every single day. Let’s make it magical!

I love you,

Millie

Healing

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Healing happens sometimes unexpectedly. Other times it requires a lot of purging, digging and yuckiness.

It is painful. And who wants that?

It’s emotional. It’s physical. And it’s spiritual. All of it combined with our programming, personality, beliefs and perception. Everything comes up and we don’t know what is real and how we proceed.

But what’s the alternative?
To sit in denial? Or with guilt? Every so often dive into shame and grief?

We don’t know until we release. We don’t feel freedom until we let go. We don’t begin to truly heal until we forgive.

That forgiveness is not for another. That forgiveness is for you.

You will begin to recognize years, or a lifetime, of self-sabotage and repression being lifted. We are our worst enemy at times.

How can we help one another? By sharing. By being authentic and vulnerable. Together we can rewrite and heal old wounds. You don’t have to do it alone if you don’t want to. It’s okay…that’s why we are friends.

But I would love the chance to sit in sacredness with you and allow you to truly let go. If you are interested in a session please go to the link below.

I love you.

Millie

http://sacredjourneyinward.com

Find Your Fire

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I found something last week while at the retreat in Mexico: my value and my fire. I have been valuing my worth based on the woman I was for so many years in my marriage; the woman who wasn’t seen or appreciated. I am not that woman any longer. The ability to devalue ourselves supersedes any other value others place on us.


No more! No mas!


I sat around with those incredible successful women and the first few days I felt like an imposter. I was once them. I was in the corporate world, making tons of money, living a life of luxury. Twelve years ago I ran away from my life by coming up to the mountains and buying a rundown motel with the dream of turning it into a retreat center. I experienced hardship like never before. I was stripped from everything and found my spirituality front and center. It became the catalyst for my beliefs now. Even after I left that business I felt something else was missing.

It was me. I was the missing link!


Then I settled. I settled into a life that was harder than it needed to be and I worked at it really well. I was tenacious in my pursuit to just settle into someone else’s beliefs. And there, in that space, I forgot my worth. Do you recognize this? I see this in so many of my sessions.


I walked the beach in Chacala several times a day. Sometimes alone, other times in the arms of a woman, as I listened to their stories. We are all connected. We all struggle. We have all worked hard to become who we are. I worked really hard to fit a certain ideology of the woman I had been for years. And that woman is no more.


From here on I will be working on my business as if it was a business and not some hobby. I need to make a life for me and these two little ones that gives me the opportunity to help others without staying in struggling mode.


A friend said this to me a few months ago: “You are gifted beyond measures but you still think you aren’t worth it. It’s like when you lose a ton of weight and you still look for clothes in that larger size. You don’t recognize that you are smaller. That is how you see yourself, as if you don’t have something valuable to give someone. Get out of the big-sized clothes and see your worth in your business….” This didn’t really hit me until this past week.


My website sacredjourneyinward.com is going to be shifting as well. My prices need to increase as everything around our economy has as well. I have a unique way of sharing space with my clients. I can share more in a half hour than a lot of people do in an hour. The information comes through quickly and efficiently. Somehow I have devalued my worth based on how easily it comes through. That is a gift and a blessing. And like an artist, it is unique to me.


I will also be creating classes online. My book, Erasable, is now being worked on by my publisher. I have two more that I am editing to also get published. I am venturing into public speaking (which is a massive change from being in hiding). I am coaching a lot more these days as well. I am stretching, growing, and expanding emotionally and spiritually. I don’t always recognize this new worth, but I am trusting it and moving with it. It is overdue!


Thank you for sticking with me. I have had so many Aha moments in the past week. The one that sticks out the most is my deep awareness of how I mother the world. I love. I am a social servant and so are you. Below is a beautiful piece by Jaiya John which will resonate with you!


I love you,
Millie

Endings and Beginnings

On By Moments with MillieIn Uncategorized12 Comments
My divorce is almost final in the next few months. Our marriage was held on by bare necessities for several years. It’s not easy to write about this but perhaps it can aid in someone else’s struggle. I believe when we see mirrors of our lives we feel less alone.

We failed in our marriage. We’ve played the blame-game and now we are on the other side of it. My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I share our two adopted children equally. This was truly the most difficult part of leaving him. I have never been a part-time mother. I have been all-in and the time away from them was excruciating at first. But, when each one of us have them, we dedicate fully to them.

Love isn’t perfect. I know my imperfections were magnified for a long while. I felt unheard, unseen, and constantly scrutinized. I cannot speak for him but living with a woman who completely shut down couldn’t have felt good. I could go days without speaking. I stopped trusting completely.

I will not dare say he didn’t love me enough. He loved me as much as he could. I can’t say what he felt since I don’t have a love meter. What I do know is that I became compliant and comfortable in a great amount of discomfort that lasted a very long time.

When I finally asked for the divorce, he didn’t flinch. He was concerned about our children. He didn’t ask to work it out. I had realized I was married to a stranger. I really didn’t know him. I had no clue who he was (or is, for that matter). I have learned that I wasn’t me either. I had morphed into some version of me that was not okay.

We held on until our sweet baby boy was adopted. And then the break came. I couldn’t find myself in the midst of the rumbles. I left my house, many of my things, and again did what I have always done when I am tired: leave without nothing.

Four years ago, on a trip to Peru, we were walking in downtown Cusco and I began to share intimate details of my previous relationships. He pointed out that I had a pattern of running and not taking what was mine. I would always leave everything and then started over again. He suggested that I needed to break that destructive pattern and fight for what belonged to me. Here is the thing about giving advice: when it pertains to you it isn’t easily accepted. Fighting for what is righteously mine has not been well received. Truth be told, I don’t fight well. I rather get it over with and move the energy into something positive in my life.

I believe in karma. I believe in cause and effect. I believe that what we resist does persist. The details do not matter. We are better apart than together, especially for the children. We both have our stories and how we felt in the marriage. The gaslighting is finally over. Now what is important is our children and the stability of two homes. He is who he is and I am who I am. We play as well as we can for the sake of two little souls.

There are times when the kids say they wish I was back home with them as a complete family. When they leave, I cry myself to sleep. There were months that I would keep track of days that I didn’t cry. I was shocked one day when I saw the imbalance. My sadness was a deep hole I couldn’t crawl out of. The façade of my marriage was too much to accept.  

A friend took me to the doctor after ending up in the emergency room days before with severe chest pains. I began to question my intuition, trust and judgment. As I sat in front of the doctor, my friend had to answer for me. I was depleted, exhausted (barely sleeping) and sick to my stomach. I was put on anti-depressants and other medications. They helped for a while. I eventually learned to deal with the issues in me. It wasn’t about him. He has been the most incredibly powerful teacher in my life. I had a type and now I see the patterns. I am adjusting the frequency of my attraction in partners and reprogramming accordingly. I am finally healing.

I can’t thank him enough for waking me up, even when he may never realize it. I had seen the world with rose-colored glasses. It was time to see reality. Navigating all of the ins and outs of our parental connections is the utmost importance. The rest is irrelevant at this time. It is all in the past and I wish him nothing but the happiness I was unable to provide. I respect him for being a good father to our children. He has taught me so much about strength and forgiveness in myself.

There is life after heartache. I promise you! The last few years have been about growth and getting to know the real woman in me. My divine feminine was completely asleep. I am mothering myself, nurturing the beautiful experiences in my life. I am forever grateful for a tribe that has sustained me, picked me up, dusted me off, and allowed me to evolve.

I have been putting off sharing with others for a long while. For the most part, folks have been decent and have felt something odd about my personal life but never pressured or asked. Humanity is magnificent! I am also grateful for all those who knew things that never shared while I was married. Not that I would have listened or believed them because when I love I get completely focused on giving till I have nothing left for me. I truly believe he deserved my love.

I am loving how much has changed and evolved spiritually and emotionally in me. I am stepping every single day into my authentic truth. I marvel at the experiences ahead. Love is always there waiting. It can literally walk in through your front door. It may look different, feel different, taste different, but it is always available through self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. May you find the courage to stand in your convictions and leave where you aren’t honored.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around to read this long post….
Millie

The Power of Touch

On By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments
My little boy was sick at school yesterday. He’s struggling with a stomach bug. Last night when I turned everything off to go to sleep, he got closer to me. He has to touch me as he sleeps. I can put a pillow between us and he finds the way to move the blankets and pillows to feel my warmth. I wanted him to scoot to the other side of the bed so he would feel better.

Luke: I need you next to me, mommy.

Me: Why do you need to sleep right on me?

Luke: Your touch makes me not have bad dreams.

I brought him closer. Rubbed his forehead. Kissed his head.

Me: Sweetheart, you are in the bed with me. You won’t have bad dreams.

Luke: Mommy, when I hold you, you make all bad nightmares go away quickly. When I am far from you, they get bad. Your energy fights the dreams. I only have happy dreams.

Luke will be five next week. For him to use the term “energy” is a testimony of how we communicate. In the middle of the night, he asked me to please give him angel healing. He calls reiki, Mommy’s angel healing. I did. He fell into a deep sleep around 2AM. Between the essential oils, the reiki, and the therapeutic touch, he woke feeling a bit better.

Touch is healing. We are both Aries. Our love language is touch. We need it. He thrives on feeling another through it. It always reminds me to be mindful of how I bring/show my energy into his world. He’s a little empath with an old soul… my baby Yoda.

The last few weeks I have written about your voice, listening, being acknowledged, and we can’t forget the power of touch in our lives.

Whether or not his body touching mine helps with his nightmares is true or not, it’s actually TRUE to him. He has created that reality in his life. During the day he doesn’t need it, but come nighttime he has to feel my body right by his. And there is something beautiful to be said about embracing those parts of our energetic bodies. We require the comfort of someone we love to soothe and smooth the rough edges, battle our fears, and make us feel loved. We want to be felt, acknowledged and love… always.

Touch is a nonverbal agreement between you and another. In loving ways, it is magical. It increases our oxytocin and other hormones that make us feel happy. We dive into the deep awareness of acceptance and love. We are united and connected by it.

Don’t be afraid to hug another. Hug tightly. I love you,

Millie