Find Your Fire

I found something last week while at the retreat in Mexico: my value and my fire. I have been valuing my worth based on the woman I was for so many years in my marriage; the woman who wasn’t seen or appreciated. I am not that woman any longer. The ability to devalue ourselves supersedes any other value others place on us.


No more! No mas!


I sat around with those incredible successful women and the first few days I felt like an imposter. I was once them. I was in the corporate world, making tons of money, living a life of luxury. Twelve years ago I ran away from my life by coming up to the mountains and buying a rundown motel with the dream of turning it into a retreat center. I experienced hardship like never before. I was stripped from everything and found my spirituality front and center. It became the catalyst for my beliefs now. Even after I left that business I felt something else was missing.

It was me. I was the missing link!


Then I settled. I settled into a life that was harder than it needed to be and I worked at it really well. I was tenacious in my pursuit to just settle into someone else’s beliefs. And there, in that space, I forgot my worth. Do you recognize this? I see this in so many of my sessions.


I walked the beach in Chacala several times a day. Sometimes alone, other times in the arms of a woman, as I listened to their stories. We are all connected. We all struggle. We have all worked hard to become who we are. I worked really hard to fit a certain ideology of the woman I had been for years. And that woman is no more.


From here on I will be working on my business as if it was a business and not some hobby. I need to make a life for me and these two little ones that gives me the opportunity to help others without staying in struggling mode.


A friend said this to me a few months ago: “You are gifted beyond measures but you still think you aren’t worth it. It’s like when you lose a ton of weight and you still look for clothes in that larger size. You don’t recognize that you are smaller. That is how you see yourself, as if you don’t have something valuable to give someone. Get out of the big-sized clothes and see your worth in your business….” This didn’t really hit me until this past week.


My website sacredjourneyinward.com is going to be shifting as well. My prices need to increase as everything around our economy has as well. I have a unique way of sharing space with my clients. I can share more in a half hour than a lot of people do in an hour. The information comes through quickly and efficiently. Somehow I have devalued my worth based on how easily it comes through. That is a gift and a blessing. And like an artist, it is unique to me.


I will also be creating classes online. My book, Erasable, is now being worked on by my publisher. I have two more that I am editing to also get published. I am venturing into public speaking (which is a massive change from being in hiding). I am coaching a lot more these days as well. I am stretching, growing, and expanding emotionally and spiritually. I don’t always recognize this new worth, but I am trusting it and moving with it. It is overdue!


Thank you for sticking with me. I have had so many Aha moments in the past week. The one that sticks out the most is my deep awareness of how I mother the world. I love. I am a social servant and so are you. Below is a beautiful piece by Jaiya John which will resonate with you!


I love you,
Millie

Endings and Beginnings

My divorce is almost final in the next few months. Our marriage was held on by bare necessities for several years. It’s not easy to write about this but perhaps it can aid in someone else’s struggle. I believe when we see mirrors of our lives we feel less alone.

We failed in our marriage. We’ve played the blame-game and now we are on the other side of it. My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I share our two adopted children equally. This was truly the most difficult part of leaving him. I have never been a part-time mother. I have been all-in and the time away from them was excruciating at first. But, when each one of us have them, we dedicate fully to them.

Love isn’t perfect. I know my imperfections were magnified for a long while. I felt unheard, unseen, and constantly scrutinized. I cannot speak for him but living with a woman who completely shut down couldn’t have felt good. I could go days without speaking. I stopped trusting completely.

I will not dare say he didn’t love me enough. He loved me as much as he could. I can’t say what he felt since I don’t have a love meter. What I do know is that I became compliant and comfortable in a great amount of discomfort that lasted a very long time.

When I finally asked for the divorce, he didn’t flinch. He was concerned about our children. He didn’t ask to work it out. I had realized I was married to a stranger. I really didn’t know him. I had no clue who he was (or is, for that matter). I have learned that I wasn’t me either. I had morphed into some version of me that was not okay.

We held on until our sweet baby boy was adopted. And then the break came. I couldn’t find myself in the midst of the rumbles. I left my house, many of my things, and again did what I have always done when I am tired: leave without nothing.

Four years ago, on a trip to Peru, we were walking in downtown Cusco and I began to share intimate details of my previous relationships. He pointed out that I had a pattern of running and not taking what was mine. I would always leave everything and then started over again. He suggested that I needed to break that destructive pattern and fight for what belonged to me. Here is the thing about giving advice: when it pertains to you it isn’t easily accepted. Fighting for what is righteously mine has not been well received. Truth be told, I don’t fight well. I rather get it over with and move the energy into something positive in my life.

I believe in karma. I believe in cause and effect. I believe that what we resist does persist. The details do not matter. We are better apart than together, especially for the children. We both have our stories and how we felt in the marriage. The gaslighting is finally over. Now what is important is our children and the stability of two homes. He is who he is and I am who I am. We play as well as we can for the sake of two little souls.

There are times when the kids say they wish I was back home with them as a complete family. When they leave, I cry myself to sleep. There were months that I would keep track of days that I didn’t cry. I was shocked one day when I saw the imbalance. My sadness was a deep hole I couldn’t crawl out of. The façade of my marriage was too much to accept.  

A friend took me to the doctor after ending up in the emergency room days before with severe chest pains. I began to question my intuition, trust and judgment. As I sat in front of the doctor, my friend had to answer for me. I was depleted, exhausted (barely sleeping) and sick to my stomach. I was put on anti-depressants and other medications. They helped for a while. I eventually learned to deal with the issues in me. It wasn’t about him. He has been the most incredibly powerful teacher in my life. I had a type and now I see the patterns. I am adjusting the frequency of my attraction in partners and reprogramming accordingly. I am finally healing.

I can’t thank him enough for waking me up, even when he may never realize it. I had seen the world with rose-colored glasses. It was time to see reality. Navigating all of the ins and outs of our parental connections is the utmost importance. The rest is irrelevant at this time. It is all in the past and I wish him nothing but the happiness I was unable to provide. I respect him for being a good father to our children. He has taught me so much about strength and forgiveness in myself.

There is life after heartache. I promise you! The last few years have been about growth and getting to know the real woman in me. My divine feminine was completely asleep. I am mothering myself, nurturing the beautiful experiences in my life. I am forever grateful for a tribe that has sustained me, picked me up, dusted me off, and allowed me to evolve.

I have been putting off sharing with others for a long while. For the most part, folks have been decent and have felt something odd about my personal life but never pressured or asked. Humanity is magnificent! I am also grateful for all those who knew things that never shared while I was married. Not that I would have listened or believed them because when I love I get completely focused on giving till I have nothing left for me. I truly believe he deserved my love.

I am loving how much has changed and evolved spiritually and emotionally in me. I am stepping every single day into my authentic truth. I marvel at the experiences ahead. Love is always there waiting. It can literally walk in through your front door. It may look different, feel different, taste different, but it is always available through self-love, forgiveness and acceptance. May you find the courage to stand in your convictions and leave where you aren’t honored.

I love you. Thank you for sticking around to read this long post….
Millie

The Power of Touch

My little boy was sick at school yesterday. He’s struggling with a stomach bug. Last night when I turned everything off to go to sleep, he got closer to me. He has to touch me as he sleeps. I can put a pillow between us and he finds the way to move the blankets and pillows to feel my warmth. I wanted him to scoot to the other side of the bed so he would feel better.

Luke: I need you next to me, mommy.

Me: Why do you need to sleep right on me?

Luke: Your touch makes me not have bad dreams.

I brought him closer. Rubbed his forehead. Kissed his head.

Me: Sweetheart, you are in the bed with me. You won’t have bad dreams.

Luke: Mommy, when I hold you, you make all bad nightmares go away quickly. When I am far from you, they get bad. Your energy fights the dreams. I only have happy dreams.

Luke will be five next week. For him to use the term “energy” is a testimony of how we communicate. In the middle of the night, he asked me to please give him angel healing. He calls reiki, Mommy’s angel healing. I did. He fell into a deep sleep around 2AM. Between the essential oils, the reiki, and the therapeutic touch, he woke feeling a bit better.

Touch is healing. We are both Aries. Our love language is touch. We need it. He thrives on feeling another through it. It always reminds me to be mindful of how I bring/show my energy into his world. He’s a little empath with an old soul… my baby Yoda.

The last few weeks I have written about your voice, listening, being acknowledged, and we can’t forget the power of touch in our lives.

Whether or not his body touching mine helps with his nightmares is true or not, it’s actually TRUE to him. He has created that reality in his life. During the day he doesn’t need it, but come nighttime he has to feel my body right by his. And there is something beautiful to be said about embracing those parts of our energetic bodies. We require the comfort of someone we love to soothe and smooth the rough edges, battle our fears, and make us feel loved. We want to be felt, acknowledged and love… always.

Touch is a nonverbal agreement between you and another. In loving ways, it is magical. It increases our oxytocin and other hormones that make us feel happy. We dive into the deep awareness of acceptance and love. We are united and connected by it.

Don’t be afraid to hug another. Hug tightly. I love you,

Millie


Healing Takes Time

This week I’ve had to adjust and readjust my self-talk. I have had to dig deep to find answers about my life and the world. I’ve had to reach a place of forgiveness and grab on to love while healing.

Listen, darling! Sometimes healing happens in the silence of the night, alone in your room, with a thousand tears cleaning your soul.

Other times it blooms in the presence of loved ones. I’ve witnessed the many places and spaces it can decide to come to surface.

Healing may dance and sing and wrap itself in joy. Or, it can play peekaboo for a long while.

What I’ve learned from the beautiful appearances is that once it shows up you begin to feel better.

Healing is unpredictable. It’s always aligned to your experiences and how far you can process the pain, the trauma, the memories. Allow for it to come and visit in its own time. Don’t control it or manipulate it by pushing it down, aside or out. It has to do its job or otherwise it gives you false

Hope. It can make you feel like you will no longer feel the pain… until it reminds you that there is still work to be done.

You’ll know when you’ve healed. I promise. Don’t rush through it. Don’t agonize over the pain to go away. It’s got to do what it’s got to do. And then it won’t do it anymore.

I love you,

Millie

Healing through Unknowingness

I spent a large part of my life hiding. Recently, after a healing session with an incredible soul, I recognized the patterns and programming. I shared with an old friend who immediately said, “Oh honey, you’ve been hiding all your life. I’m so sorry!”

Her sorry was genuine and my tears flowed out again. She saw me. Really saw the trail of bullshit left behind by a Narcissistic mother. And I’ve been working on cutting cords for so long. I tend to listen to the voices of the past when I try to lead my children in the now. I don’t want to be like my mother. I second guess every single major decision in spite of what my heart and intuition show me.

In spite of all my deep awareness and knowing I am not exempt from all my human lessons and challenges. I am always on the trail of mending.

Healing is about release. It’s surrendering to the now while letting go of what has kept you captive. This can be physical, emotional or spiritual. I don’t believe in examining and re-examining the past because that story is no longer there. We create new ones but at some point ancestral wounds need to be cut.

Sometimes we don’t really know what’s inside no matter how much we work on ourselves. It takes an outsider to guide your spirit on a new journey and quest.

Here is what I continue to learn daily: unhealed people hurt through their unknowing-ness. They don’t recognize they are hurting anyone, especially a child. As I continue to feel seen the vulnerability is heighten. I am no longer a little chubby scared girl feeling judged by the world. I am no longer a 20 something woman walking on eggshells afraid of what others think of me.

The healing sticks when we become aware of how we allow toxic energy from others. Those folks continue to show up to remind us of our growth. I am blessed they continue to show me how to set healthy boundaries.

I hope you can also see them and send them love. You don’t have to participate in their dramas. I see you. I honor you.

I love you! ❤️

Millie

Unhealed People

I spent a large part of my life hiding. Recently, after a healing session with an incredible soul, I recognized the patterns and programming. I shared with an old friend who immediately said, “Oh honey, you’ve been hiding all your life. I’m so sorry!”

Her sorry was genuine and my tears flowed out again. She saw me. Really saw the trail of bullshit left behind by a Narcissistic mother. And I’ve been working on cutting cords for so long. I tend to listen to the voices of the past when I try to lead my children in the now. I don’t want to be like my mother. I second guess every single major decision in spite of what my heart and intuition show me.

In spite of all my deep awareness and knowing I am not exempt from all my human lessons and challenges. I am always on the trail of mending.

Healing is about release. It’s surrendering to the now while letting go of what has kept you captive. This can be physical, emotional or spiritual. I don’t believe in examining and re-examining the past because that story is no longer there. We create new ones but at some point ancestral wounds need to be cut.

Sometimes we don’t really know what’s inside no matter how much we work on ourselves. It takes an outsider to guide your spirit on a new journey and quest.

Here is what I continue to learn daily: unhealed people hurt through their unknowing-ness. They don’t recognize they are hurting anyone, especially a child. As I continue to feel seen the vulnerability is heighten. I am no longer a little chubby scared girl feeling judged by the world. I am no longer a 20 something woman walking on eggshells afraid of what others think of me.

The healing sticks when we become aware of how we allow toxic energy from others. Those folks continue to show up to remind us of our growth. I am blessed they continue to show me how to set healthy boundaries.

I hope you can also see them and send them love. You don’t have to participate in their dramas. I see you. I honor you. I love you.

Quarantine

It’s the 52nd day of staying-home-safe for me and my family. It’s actually a little longer but I’m counting from the actual day the county started the lockdown.

The first four weeks were super intense for me. Shit was coming up that I hadn’t a clue was still dwelling in me. It was truly an opening, the dark night of the soul, a heroes journey of sorts (even when I didn’t feel any heroism). My spiritual knowing went on shut-off and all I could do was be present with every single moment. Having two little ones demanding of me 24/7 was the biggest obstacle of all and not be able to take them out was an experiment in extremes.

I cried a lot. The world’s uncertainty was scary and I don’t get scared easily. There was a sense of major anxiety wrapped in panic. I felt helpless. I could no longer say “I don’t live in that reality.”

But, in spite of the emotional roller coaster ride, something happened around the fifth week. I was in the yard working and clearing bushes when it hit me: I had no time like this before to dedicate to our property. I also came to realize that I had been asking for this for a long time. I wanted time with the kids and be home to mend to my house. What I never imagined was that people out there would be dying. People all over the world were hurting.

I stopped watching the news around that time. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and the guilt of being safely at home with my sweethearts.

Every time I heard or saw the word “quarantine” I was triggered. I couldn’t understand or remember why until one day doing strenuous clearing of trees I understood.

In April of 1998 I adopted my first little girl from Romania. She came sick with a chaparon from the adoption agency. They said she had a cold. She was two years old and so malnourished. That first month she slept with me holding my hand. She wouldn’t let me go in fear she would be sent back to a horrific orphanage. One morning I woke and I was almost blind. I could barely get up. I felt feverish and aching all over. I called my mother who lived nearby to please take the kids to school and my little girl to daycare. When my mother took my temperature it was 105. She rushed me to the hospital. I was blacking out. Walking into the hospital I passed out and I have very little recollection of the first few days there.

I was placed on quarantine for over a week and a half. No visitors. I couldn’t see my baby girl or my two sons. They tested me for everything and couldn’t give me any medication but Tylenol because CDC couldn’t find what was wrong with me. I had doctors baffled. They assumed that my daughter carried something with her from Transylvania. I was touching heaven’s gate often almost in comatose state at times. The fever would spike and they had to wait until then to run their tests. Eventually after every test, poking, pricking, stabbing, and scans the infectious illness took its toll. I was fortunate. Almost two weeks later, on Memorial Day weekend, I walked out of the hospital with a diagnosed of “AB Mountain Fever.” But even that didn’t explain all the symptoms. Until CDC could give the okay I wasn’t able to just go. They kept a close eye on me for another six months.

THAT was quarantine. Real hellish seclusion. People coming into a room with suits on and I was unable to see and feel them clearly. So when I hear the word “quarantine” now I don’t see it as what this has been. This lockdown has been about clearing up ourselves and staying safe to help others. It has been in place to allow an infectious disease to slow down.

I was 30 years old. I was told that my heart took a beating during all the symptoms. I already had a mild heart condition. So I am super conscious of how I show up in the world at this time. I don’t believe there is anything I can’t overcome until it’s my time to truly leave this journey. But, by God, if I can do my part to stay healthy for my kiddos I will. If it means wearing a mask, staying put in my house, lifting others in love and humor, holding sacred space for me and the world….well you betcha I will do it.

I have replayed that May of 1998 so many times. I have let go of so much anger for many issues that showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed and unable to take care of matters in the world. Little did I know that April of 2020 would relive so many of the same emotions. And just like that in pulling roots out of my yard I was also pulling roots of hurt from long ago.

We have been gifted a lot at this time. And yes, a lot of grief and sorrow and atrocities. We have in our hands the ability to save ourselves and heal. The quarantine has brought about anger and rage; sadness and despair; hate and insanity. It has also allowed many to stay put and work on their own dark night of the soul. The entire world is doing it. It’s a global opportunity to raise our vibrations and work on our loving muscle to be forgiving, accept others even when they think or act differently, and acknowledge that ultimately compassion is what we need in our world.

I can’t change your mind. I won’t even try or dare. This is my journey. You have to figure out how you show up during this time. Our lives will never go back to what was before this March. But, darlings, I ask that you let go of the anger in whatever you are practicing. Let go of hatred. Let go of that need to bulldoze over everything just to make your point. That will never ever help cure anything. It only decreases the ability to allow love and compassion in our world.

I love you.

Lessons from a Pandemic

I’ve learned invaluable lessons during these last 6 weeks of staying home about myself and my family:

I have more patience than I give myself credit for.

I have a horrid-wicked-twisted sense of humor when I am not busy with my own stuff. I have to water it down!

I have accepted that I am not a teacher…nor ever want to be. And I respect educators so much. Now more than ever before.

I avoid lots of emotional shit until I don’t and then it comes out in a massive wave of release. And, boy, have I released beyond words. I’ve let go of triggers and traumas because I haven’t been able to run from them.

I don’t need much. All those trips to Home Goods and Target were to fill an emptiness. I haven’t stepped into either place in more than 6 weeks and I am fine with it.

My kids are excellent emotional button pushers. And, I have learned to truly return to the present moment with them because they, too, are experiencing a different routine. Now the routine has become normal. They are my biggest teachers.

We love the outdoors. I have given so much love to the yard for the first time since we bought this house a year and a half ago. I am learning to be gentle out there and watch spring as it’s blooming everywhere. I, too, am blossoming.

My oldest son is staying here from New York and our conversations in the evenings have been priceless. There is nothing sweeter than having stimulating conversations with your grown children. When my own thoughts come out of his mouth I get giddy. It’s been the first time in 12 years since we’ve been together longer than a week at a time during holidays.

I am grateful. I have learned that I am truly happy with my life (on most days) even when the young kids take the piss out of me. I am grateful for my husband still having a job and putting his life in danger out there.

My spirituality took a giant blow for three or four weeks during this. I questioned everything and, at the same time, nothing at all. I felt numbed and disconnected. I couldn’t feel the other realm. And, then I did and it’s come back with such depth.

I have learned to stop speculating. I’ve stopped reading things that triggered me on social media. I rarely watch the news. I won’t entertain things that hit my spiritual truth and knowing.

I marvel at it all. Six weeks have been a gift of their own. I know many have lost loved ones. I know the risks taken with each breath out there. I know that I know nothing about what will happen in the upcoming months.

I have reached out to those who I’ve missed but was too busy to talk to. We’ve connected again through amazing increments of time.

Being home has never felt safer. It has never felt warmer. This has been a giant pause for me. I have done very little with my writing, or creativity (other than yard work) and I have learned to be okay with it.

All that I could have done with this time has gone into raising a small family. It’s been a delightful gift to do this fully and mindfully…until I get to bed with exhaustion. But, it has been lovely to learn so much about me at this age.

I had a birthday during this time. I celebrate my birthday all 30 days of April. This year it hasn’t been like that. I haven’t had me time in weeks. But, that also has brought tremendous awareness. Fifty-two years have come and this one I will never forget.

I am certain there are many other lessons I can’t remember at this time. I am healing. It’s never ending. I am excited to see what’s on the other side of this.

What have you learned? What has this PAUSE brought for you and your family?

Mucho love…Millie

Social Distancing

Social Distancing…

A new term for our times.

I am social but an introvert at heart. I like my space. My husband and I are homebodies by nature. This “social distancing” is a way for all of us to move inward. It’s an opportunity to return to family time without distractions out there. We get to catch up with what we have put on hold for so long.

How and why and what is happening is beyond our scope of understanding at this point. We all have our opinions. Some of us see this quite different from what the media is portraying.

It doesn’t matter. What matters now is that we hunker down. Those who have lived through hurricanes and severe snow storms…we are pros at this. But, unlike natural disasters we truly have no idea how long this can last.

So…once again, please find yourselves retiring and retreating. Do those things you’ve put off because Of lack of time. But also, please don’t isolate yourselves. Video chat with your friends. Play games. This event is not permission to go into a deep depression. Get help if you start to feel the overwhelming feeling of doom.

I love you.

Surfing Grief

Today I watched a man grieving in the cemetery near our home. He was drinking a beer, swirling around in screams while the liquid fell out of the bottle as he stomped over the grass. He was crying. I stopped for a few seconds across from him at the stop sign, struggling with going to talk with him, or just giving him his space. The scene looked like something from a movie and I felt it. Whoever he was screaming and pleading to was absolute loss and grief.

And so I did….I left him in his private moment as the rain began to fall slowly over the mountains. I felt the break happening for me as well.

Grief does that to us. It is inexplicable. Its pain cuts through the depth of the soul. It has no limit, no expiration date that shakes us up and relieves the pain. We are turned around, upside down, through an inexplicable sense of shame, guilt and other emotions. We regret what we did not do or did do. We place those we loved on some pedestal, that at times, is pretty irrational as well. But, grieving the loss of a loved one is freaking hard. And, it comes in waves: one minute you are okay and the next your world feels unrecognizable.

The man over the tombstone reminded me of that wave. He reminded me that it never really goes away. Loss is a riptide that at times causes a wave that clears everything in its path. We move through the grief. We surf the deep waters of emotions wondering if we survive the heartbreak. We move into other paths of life. It doesn’t go away. We don’t get over it. We evolve and learn from it but the loss can still sneak up at any given moment.

In order to love you must risk it all and grief is a component of its circumstances because where there is love there is loss. Sorrow is a recycling sentiment that appears over and over in different events. It’s okay to let the emotions visit. It’s okay to sit with the memories of the things we no longer have, the loved ones who have passed on, the things that will never be. What is not okay is to get stuck in those moments and live in that time. There will be days that the pain is so much that you feel death clawing at you. You might want to go scream at the ground in a cemetery as well. Then other days you will be filled with the sweetness of gratitude for having had those moments in your life. No matter what anyone says grief never vanishes. It just masks itself into something new and you recognize it the minute you experience the tug in your heart.

Do yourself a favor and don’t close up to love. Don’t shut yourself off from the world because you deserve to live through love again. It will never be like those that you experienced. It will have different lessons, perspectives and joy. Loss does something to make us believe that we will never live that way again.

Grief doesn’t just change you, it reveals the innermost part of your spirit. We’ve come here momentarily to love, learn and experience life. In the sadness of grief comes the ability to rejoice and celebrate life to the fullest. So often we are consumed by mourning the death that we forget what lived in that person. We focus on the missing rather than the stories of joy. Truth is that each soul who leaves us has always left a little part of themselves behind through memories. And it’s from that other place that they start to reach out through dreams, songs, signs and synchronicity. Rejoice in the stories of the past. Allow for grief to show you how much you loved. It’s okay to feel that mystifying sorrow. This is how you know that your love transcends through time and space. This is how you know that your loved one will help you find love again.

If you find yourself at a loss today…please honor the moment. Send love to your missing parts. Be gentle with the memories. They won’t go away. To me, death is a door that ends one existence and opens up into another. There is the before death and the after death. And life is changed forever.