Since my sabbatical in November from social media something has been missing. Then came the holidays, a house full of people, and the return of another year. I still felt something was off. There is a sense of imbalance that keeps arriving when I wake to sit in meditation. A nameless sensation of emptiness that lingers. A knowing without destination. It’s bizarre and exhilarating simultaneously.
This morning I found it again waiting for me to respond to its calling. The stories have been piling up without true formulation. I just hold on to them with greed and selfishness…those of folks I’ve met that I want to savor on my own. But, they aren’t mine alone.
I gather words and stories from all walks of life. I tend to them while helping heal my own needs. And then I release them.
I want to hear your stories. I want your messages and snippets of your lives to be heard. I want to connect others to their purpose of what they desire. I crave to help pay forward love in whatever way I can….
How do we do this? How can we help one another?
We do it through groups and support. We do it sitting down and talking face to face. We do it by speaking and/or writing. We heal through connections. We begin to feel seen and heard. We feel acknowledged. We become engulfed by love and acceptance. That’s how we move through it all.
So thank you! For being here. Your words are always courageous. Your sharing is delightful. When you open yourself up you begin to heal me and you and others. Don’t ever stay silent about the things that move you, shake you, or teach you.
I love you.
Two years ago the mountains around us burned. We didn’t know if we had to leave our home. Weeks of that intensity took a hold of us. The unknown was weighing right above us a few miles down the road. So now, watching the devastation in California I am again reminded of the frailty in life. The winds can shift in a single moment and life is forever changed.
Take nothing for granted.
I went into prayer last night so deeply that I fell asleep. I left my body on my bed. Hours upon hours of flying over Malibu pouring sand and water all over the land.
I woke at 1:11am to the sound of our little boy crying. I smiled at the time. When I returned to our bed I was still in a state of jet lag. This happens often.
Let’s continue putting out fires. Let’s continue being compassionate. Let’s be humans with empathy and love.
Sending healing out today. Shifting consciousness is my goal…for me and others to recognize the innate and miracle power that lies within us. We are fire and water and wind and everything else.
I love you.
Come close. Sit for a second and let me share a story…
I held a giant amount of guilt and resentment for over 20 years. It wasn’t something I thought about daily but it would show its ugly head every so often. The trauma was molded to my worth. It would visit and linger and poke in a way that I felt my breath leave me, especially in the middle of the night. In the last few years I needed to release it. And back in February I did.
I met with this amazing woman…a true soul sister…and apologized. We had something in common. We had both been with the same man for 18 years, and in between those years there were years that overlapped. She didn’t know it. I was also told a different story. We co-inhabited with a man who fed on our lack of self worth. We handed him the right to place a price tag on our souls.
I was young, stupid, and foolish. I was naive. I was in my twenties with two little boys while needing a father figure as he was 18 years my senior. He was a master manipulator, the poster child for narcissism. We believed him. I loved him. She did too. But, what happens when you grow into yourself and the shame is still lurking? You must find a way to shred it, surrender the yuckiness, and forgive yourself for mistakes.
We are human. We are imperfect. We are entitled to screwing up and growing. We are given the extraordinary beauty of falling miserably and rising to greatness.
You must enter the discomfort and allow the healing to begin. You must acknowledge your part in the stories and own the lessons. You have to allow for the truth to come out of every pore of your being. That’s when light comes in and you are recreated.
Guess how that happens! It happens through love. It happens through total release of culpability. It appears through the total abandonment of monsters in closets. You open the door and let them go free. Those suckers need release. They need light to vanish.
I own every part of the stories: the ugly and disgraceful; the lovely and magical; the ridiculous and careless; the spirituality and the human. I own it because it brought me here to this very moment of midlife with a giant exposure of truth. It allowed me to fall in love again with someone who could love me back for the real me.
Once we met at a retreat, we spent four days with one another. We spoke truth and opened up all the lies. She forgave me for being with her husband while they were still married. She also gave me permission to let that shit go. I gave her permission to forgive him for all the atrocities he created in both our lives. We held one another, hands intertwined, walking on the beach. We cried. We shared in disbelief the stories of two young women wrapped in the web of deception with a cunning Machista.
What happened after that gathering was pure ecstatic. I found myself. I dug into places of me that I didn’t know were available or even existed in my perception. The truth of it all shook my core belief. My imperfections were embraced by her which allowed for me to accept in me. I fell in love with this woman who shared similarities, not just our children but a man we once loved with ferocity. He had a type and we saw it while laughing, communing, speaking and crying.
I ask that you let the shit go. Whatever is in you that is breaking you needs release. You might not get a chance to say it to another so allow yourself the surrendering to divinity. Truly let it all go.
And start loving all the parts that have made you whole…because you are precious and loving. Fly, darling! ~m.a.p.
I have spent several hours in meditation. I’ve gone deep into the wilderness and other realms. I have found that there is static all over the place. Something is happening.
There is a collective sadness. There is much anger. There is exhaustion. And add that times millions and we have an epidemic.
I don’t know how to help. I keep asking. I don’t know what I can write that will help start the release and healing. I don’t know how to hold you if I’m here. But…
I believe in mindfulness. In sacredness. In the profound effects of love and forgiveness. I believe in Divine guidance and universal forces.
I cannot tell you how to begin healing. Or letting go. Or surrendering the hurt and anger. It’s collective. I can, however, hold space with you from here.
We’ve been packing to move next week. I took down my altar (which should had been the last thing I needed to pack). It’s somewhere in boxes. My prayer box is in there with the “tools” I use to help others heal. Tonight I am not writing names. There are millions. I am simply collecting the energies and frequencies while recycling them to upgrade into love.
I might sound like a childish broken record on my posts….but just love. Love with what and who and where you are. Love heals. You cannot love and hate simultaneously. You cannot stand in darkness and call it love. Compassion and kindness are flames of pure light. Let’s start there.
I am holding you tonight. In this realm and others. Prayers are waves of yummy frequencies. They reach the heavens and all the places beyond.
Join me…with each conscious breath of just stating the love to the world we make ripples in the fabric of the universe.
There is sacredness in ceremonies, in gathering with others to bless and heal. Circles, fire, chanting, prayers, meditations, cleansing and other rituals are there to maintain a sense of creation through divinity. When two or more gather there is manifesting on all levels and realms. It’s mystical!
The Sacredness of Ceremonies allows me to ground myself beyond words. Rituals and gatherings raise my frequency to more love and infinite abundance. Judgment disappears. Vulnerability unfolds. When I moved to these mountains years ago I dreamed of a tribe that would support me and my heart. It was slow to arrive since I kept growing spiritually and was disconnected from many who were not on the same journey. It has taken some time but in the last few years I keep meeting the most intuitive and amazing people. I am so blessed to have found so many folks during this time, and it continues to grow with like-minded individuals who are connected to their spiritual truths. These are teachers, students, and true guides from all walks of life. My soul is filled with joy and humility because what I’ve asked for continues to expand. I am touched by stories, experiences and wisdom from so many sages.
And I am loved. That love is constantly being paid forward. It’s purified through the acceptance and knowing that I am receiving messages through others and their stories. I am in awed of what appears when I no longer try to control the world around me.
If you don’t have a tribe please find a way to create one. Take time to connect with others. Social media is excellent for this. Find groups and interact. Your soul isn’t meant to be alone. If you live far from others there are ways to connect through technology.
Be blessed and continue to manifest your desires. You grow through each little wish made to the heavens. You are magical. I love you. ~m.a.p.
When do I heal? How long is this pain gonna take?
I get asked those two questions often. My answer is always the same, “It will take whatever time it has to. When you finally forgive that person and/or yourself the process will become lighter. But, it might just be ongoing. I don’t know!”
We carry battle scars. We relieve memories as if they are happening right now. We tell and retell the stories in order to be heard or accepted or whatever. The point is that the pain cannot leave us while we are continuously entertaining it. The healing can only begin when the focus is removed.
My mother visited me in a dream last night. She came in with the same intensity that was her aura while alive. She visited with anxiety and judgment. She sat with criticism and doubt. What had changed was my ability to see her as all she was and not own her pain. Her pain was how she moved and controlled others. In my dream she no longer had power to do this to me. She can’t decide my life choices. She cannot manipulate my fears in order to force me to make life decisions that align with hers.
I love my mother. I loved my mom because her lack of understanding and heartache forced me to be the woman I am today. She died without healing completely. She didn’t know how to let the battle wounds heal. And she took those scars and pain daily to manifest hurt in those around her. She lived in fear of judgment from the world and became the biggest judge of all.
The best lesson my mother has taught me is in letting go. It’s to be in the moment and forget those things, and folks, who have created aches in my heart. Every so often those wounds might resurface but I sit with them and send them back to where they belong…in the past. My stories mean nothing today. Every action and reaction has allowed me to get here.
So…the pain will continue for however long it has to in order to get you to start living in the NOW. Give yourself that gift. It’s a PRESENT you can count on. ~m.a.p.