The Release

release woman

A few months ago I met a woman in a store in Downtown Asheville. She walked passed me and I gasped at her angelic beauty. I introduced myself and we began a sweet friendship that has evolved into a magical connection.

She’s a healer. A massage therapist and Reiki practitioner (among other things).  I saw on Facebook that she was sharing a special Heart Chakra Therapy/Massage for the month of February. I made an appointment with her for last Tuesday.

Kelie is fabulous. Her energy is soothing and loving. I can always use a little healing and energy to the heart department. But, what I didn’t expect was the intense opening after I left her place. I expected a little relaxation, perhaps a few tears, but never the deep conscious awareness of a massive shift.

Tenderness and intuition are a marriage of astronomical proportions. I give a lot of me to others. I am well aware of how I spend my days sending love. I also keep a lot to myself, especially old wounds. I think I release them but when I get a healing treatment like this it comes up and I am well aware that our cellular memories run profound.

They get stuck and create new spaces in our physical bodies. The emotional body gets jacked up. The spiritual body feels stumped. The misalignment is sometimes subtle but sometimes it manifests in severe diseases and ailments.

I spent Tuesday night sobbing, curled up in fetal position throughout the night. I was visited by guidance. I cut energetic cords of things that no longer serve me. There were moments of lucid dreaming, returning to the past, unraveling conversations that have created themselves into unnecessary experiences.

What was I creating with these stories through lack of self-worth?

I am always fascinated by how touch heals us. A massage, a few crystal stones, aromatherapy and tenderness can catapult a release that has been stored away in a small Pandora’s box. The moment it opens up it sure feels like all hell breaks loose.

We are always one decision away from healing and releasing. I know I must process things first. I tend to hold on to things and forget that I have them there. Every so often they sneak out with a song, a conversation, and the memory transports me back to the past. Then I rethink, re-shift, and readjust my sails. What I forget to do is truly release and let go of them completely.

I get help. I go to someone else who isn’t part of my stories. I’m amazed how the Universe aligns those sweet healers in my path. And then…bang…it happens and I am recreated into a beautiful newness of trust and light.

This is also the work I am creating with clients. Story tending and sharing helps grab those old experiences in order to release. We create magic together. I love being the student witnessing the journey.

It’s truly sacred and full of love. For everyone involved.

I love you!

I urge you to check out Kelie’s website: https://www.rubyrosesanctuary.net/

 

 

 

The Look of Courage

14079964_1204617552930434_1843368059033261570_n

I see courage and vulnerability every day. It passes by me in the supermarket aisle wearing a thin smile without a wig while holding a child. It holds a sign at the traffic light asking for money or shelter after serving this great nation. It has sat next to me at a doctor’s office quietly waiting for answers. It is the voice from a loved one saying that her mate passed on after a long battle with cancer. It is the child who has no parents and has been in foster care for years waiting for a family.

I have visited with heroes and the most brave souls from all walks of life whose tears leave scars as they fall down their cheeks. We are all brave and courageous. Each breath in life is a step full of courage. We are here surviving this race of humanity.
Be kinder to one another. Open your heart to all that’s around you. Who cares what your political or religious beliefs are because in the end that matters to no one. The sick need love. The hurt need a shoulder. The test here is true empathy to one another without expectation. And…you need to remember that you are not alone in this fight for life. One day you are on top and another you are holding for dear life. Struggles are all part of our lessons. Whether you are black, white, yellow, gay, straight, Democrat, Republican, Christian, Jewish, or a non-believer you will find yourself battling in this journey. You are not exempt from obstacles or challenges. You are not exempt from surviving or just merely existing. No one leaves here alive!


I am often asked what church I attend. My answer is the church of nature and humanity. I don’t need to enter a temple to hear about God when all I do is see God walking around everywhere in each soul who passes me. We forget to look outside of the walls, the box, and truly notice the world. What good is entering sacredness for an hour one day a week to then turn away from every test the Divine places in my path? Nothing HUGE has to happen to be brave. Nothing extraordinary needs to shift in order to be vulnerable. We tell the world to be brave as if it was a choice. But, bravery is a commitment between your spirit and your humanness. We have little choice in the matter. Just getting up is a battle at times that requires every cell to remind us that we matter. Be brave enough to know that you aren’t alone. I love you. I love you because you and I are in this together no matter what! My arms are open to hold your struggle in thoughts and prayers from any place. Thank you, for holding me in return.

~m.a.p.

 

 

 

Body Talk

15541904_789546337853104_1049673274777683056_n

Let my body speak to you

through its texture,

shape,

color,

dimples,

scar,

age,

and hear what it says

in the silence of

the imperfections.

 

Let my body dance

swaying,

trembling,

yelling in movements

the mystery of me

never witnessed before,

challenging you

to let everything go.

 

Let my body be a sponge

taking you in,

draining you out,

and drying your own spirit

by way of mysticism

so divinity can sit

with us together…

forever as one.

Deduction of Thoughts

Tell me,
what was it that you heard:
my heart beat thumping
slowly to the sounds
of the room,
mimicking the a/c;
my breath catching up
with a mutual silence
of exhaustion
from a lover’s marathon;
my hands gently stroking
the hairs on your back
bringing forward some
childlike memory
you might had never

known existed?
What did you hear
in the solitude next to you?
Did you hear the depth

of me moving deeper

in gratitude?
Did you find me clicking
a memory button filing
the moment forever?
Tell me what you heard
so I can share what I felt
as our bodies became

suspended but pressed

into the cold mattress.
I heard the rain harder

in my chest; the earth penetrating

against my spirit,

weighing and settling

to this newness.

I’m becoming spring
inside these spaces
intertwining thoughts with

the in and out of you.
Did you hear me digging
through the rumble of
thoughts, and a mountain
of could’ve been’s
while you transported
yourself to Neverland?

I am water spread on a bed

while you are the container

that houses me in places

I never knew existed.

Architect of Dreams

images

There is an abundance of wishes and dreams out there for the taking.  If you haven’t visualized or expressed your goals and dreams to the Universe, don’t complain.  Don’t make excuses for not allowing the flow of dreams to appear into your life.  You and the Universe are the co-creators of your life. You are the most powerful genie in the world.

Five years ago, in the midst of a horrible break-up, I began a visualization-map-questing-dream journal.  In this book I pasted pictures of things I wanted in the future.  Most of them were of a small retreat center in the mountains.  I had no idea how I was going to buy the place or what state it would be in. But, I gathered all types of magazines from Oprah’s O to log cabins and outdoor activities.  I carefully placed these visual guides inside pages and then wrote out what I wanted, but as if I already had it.  I created powerful intentions. For example, instead of writing “I want a home in the mountains” I wrote, “I live in the mountains and have a retreat center that provides relaxation, healing and peace for all those who enter.”  I even put the name of this retreat in the book.  I added events and activities such as hiking, fishing, hammocks in the woods, chairs by creeks, yoga, labyrinth, etc.   I loaded the journal up with pictures, inspiring quotes, words, events, and exact notes of what I also did not want. I have learned that the Universe will also give you the things you don’t want. 

My dream was to be able to map out this place and let God guide me there.  A year later, while on vacation with my best friend, we stayed in this little motel in the mountains of Western North Carolina.  The place was for sale.  Two months later we were living here.  I had put my journal of dreams away. When I began to unpack boxes I found this visual guide of hopes and desires.  As I flipped through the pages that had been created over a year before, I couldn’t believe that the place we purchased had all the elements I had glued in it.  And, even now four years after being here, I open up the book and find that we are still creating more of the things that had carefully been placed in it.  Once again, without much financial support, we are getting the things I had asked the Universe to provide. I continue to add to this book and make clear intentions of what we want for the future of this little retreat center.

We are trained, programmed, and manipulated by society to believe that dreams don’t always come true.  We are impatient in waiting.  So we blame God and the higher powers for not giving us our desires. Well, they don’t come true if you don’t work at it!  You have to visualize what you want and then work towards that goal.  Abundance and prosperity are endless.  Dreams guide us.  The same goes for things we don’t want.  If we are constantly focusing on what we don’t want we will get those things as well. I believe I am a trust-fund baby of the Universe with unlimited abundance. As long as I stay in this frequency there is nothing I cannot manifest.

Several years ago the famous little book The Secret hit the bookshelves.  The books sold by the millions.  I was completely surprised.  I was brought up in a house where we all created little poster boards with the dreams we wanted.  My sister had hers in her closet.  I had mine behind the bedroom door.  My mother had hers in her room.  We all had these little visual reminders of things we wanted in the near future.  So, when the bestselling book became so famous I had to ask myself, “Do people not realize that they create their own futures?  Do they not realize that there is an unlimited abundance of dreams out there for the taking?”  I guess not! This isn’t a new formula for health, wealth, prosperity, and any desire. This is how we are created!

My wish for you, as I am sitting right now observing life outside my window (kids kayaking in the pond while others fish, the mountains in the backdrop, a couple drinking their coffee in our red chairs, someone meditating by the picnic tables) is that you awake to the truth that YOU create your future. There’s no magic genie, saint, or man in the sky that chooses what you can have in life. YOU are the creator, maker, and magnificent architect of your life’s plan. I hope you map out the things you want and work towards those desires. And, if by chance you have no clue of what you want then make a list of things you are grateful for everyday.  Be present in your life.  Be honest and be aware of your actions.  Use your creative gifts to gather pictures of things you like. Be kind, generous and have an open heart.  Where there is passion, God follows.  Divine intervention is always there with you, checking off the things your mind creates.  Stay in a place of divine light, joy, and love. From that place of giddiness the child in you can play and manifest. Be careful with your thoughts! Choose wisely and have fun!

“You will get what you want, when you stop making excuses on why you don’t have it.” Author Unknown

I would visualize things coming to me.  It would just make me feel better.  Visualization works if you work hard.  That’s the thing.  You can’t just visualize and go eat a sandwich.” Jim Carrey

Superman

The night folds me with its subtleties

while I count your breaths:

up and down,

in and out…

the pain of your scar

crisscrossing the sheets

and vulnerability filled with Kryptonite

magnifying everything that is not.

I need you to heal

completely

allowing the physical you

to override the emotional one.

You are my Superman

and, while I love nursing you,

I need your safe arms of steel

to hold and fold me

as night vanishes into day.

For now I lay my hand

on your chest

rubbing prayers,

silently whispering sweetness to the heavens,

conjuring up a spell

for that very moment,

months from now,

when you can whisk me up

and take me to that place

where dreams reside.

Rough Mind Chatter

I have a bad habit.  Well, I have a few bad habits but this blog site is not equipped to be a confessional.  I have a tendency of shutting down when my brain can’t handle chit chat.  I can become rather quick in finishing others’ sentences.  I tend to rambunctiously ask a question and when the answer doesn’t come out quick enough (at the speed of light) I end up answering it myself…even if it’s wrong.  So I am trying to slow down (and abolish) this bad habit.  It doesn’t happen every day.  When it does I am realizing I just need to step back and not be with others.  Today is such a day.  Rather than lose my lack of patience with others I need to travel inside of me to see what is causing the brain fart and detachment.  Why is my brain circling in a vortex?  What is going on that I need to rush through? What is missing from my spirit?

I was programmed and trained by my past experiences (the CIA of Life) to be a multi-faceted, multi-tasker, multi-everything woman.  I could do just about anything at high speed.  I would be cleaning the house, home-schooling my children, cooking dinner, writing a paper for school, and magically running a successful business.  I don’t know how I did it.  I only know I don’t ever want to be that person.

I had a guest once point out that multi-tasking was not a good trait.  If you multi-task then you are only giving a percentage of your energy to a particular project.  If you multi-task you aren’t providing your 100% effort.  I believe this true.  I have to be conscious of what and how I do things while finishing one thing at a time (that goes with conversations as well).  I don’t have A.D.D.  I don’t suffer from Tourette’s Syndrome (although at times the words that come out of my mouth would indicate a contradiction).  I do suffer from impatience.  If I don’t get a good night’s rest, I get cranky.  If there are others expecting things from me that I can’t finish on time, I get cranky.  If it’s too damn cold and gloomy, I get cranky.  If people are dishonest with me, I get cranky.  If someone tries to force me to see things their way against my better judgment, I get really, really cranky and shut down.  Other than that I am pretty happy.

We are so wired to do so much to fit into our days.  We take short cuts to save time.  We use technology to facilitate with our days.  My question is where is all that time accumulated at that we spend saving by rushing through things?  When my brain starts going that fast because I am thinking of all else I need to do it is an indicator that I need to step away for a bit.  I have to take a walk, a hike or just sit in silence.  Something has to be done to stop my anxiety.  And, for the most part I am aware of it quickly when I step away.  The anxiety becomes the barometer for exploring a particular fear.  Usually this fear is about not finishing things to the best of my ability.  Once I pin point it I get to return to being a “nice person,” rather than a lunatic who thinks she knows all the answers.

I hope you find a place in your life where you can go and sit quietly when the chit chat starts to overwhelm you.  I gotta go be in nature now…the earth is calling.

The Body’s Storm Surge

Friday morning I took my first yoga class in years.  I went into it with confidence and giddiness.  I was going to start strengthening my body.  I thought yoga would help me with stretches and concentration.  Actually, I don’t know what I thought now that I sit here writing about it.  I just went in there believing that I could get something out of it…a wholeness of sort.  The hour and a half was wonderful.  It was “gentle yoga” – whatever that means because I got to a point I couldn’t feel anything but pain.  As a matter of fact I ended the last poses by remaining in the child’s pose while everyone else was in some sort of constriction.  I didn’t have it in me.  I was breathing heavier than any hiking I’ve done up these mountains.  I was pooped.  My favorite part of the yoga class was the last 10 minutes of meditation.  Hey, I am up for that any time!

Now, like any physical modality that moves energy through the body, this yoga session kicked my immune system to the curve.  I have been purging from different directions of my body.  Saturday morning started with headaches and the sniffles, (and other stuff that doesn’t need explanation).  Sunday brought the aches and pains, the congestion and the body tension.  I mean, let’s face it the yoga was more like a private session with Yoda commanding my body to loosen up and let go in order to reach the truth of who I am.  My body has been releasing toxins in ways that I don’t care to describe.   Even emotional blockages have opened up just a bit.  I can still hear the petite yoga teacher in my head instructing to “breathe in..hold it…ahhh, exhale! One more time….”

My best friend asked me yesterday if I was going back next Friday.  Absolutely, let’s get it all out!  Let’s see what else is inside this body that is trapped and creating blockage.  Let’s get this physical body to align with the spiritual one and whatever else yoga does.  I am on board.  I will just keep stocking up on tissues, migraine and cold medicine, toilet paper, and whatever else is needed to continue purging.  I am in for the long haul.  I have to believe that I can withstand myself for an hour and a half doing “gentle” exercises and breathing.  I can do this.  I know I can.  It might take some time but the end result is… well, I will get back to you on that!

Just like the storm outside this morning due to Hurricane Sandy, my body is going through its own detox.  It is pulling and pushing and swirling in distress.  I hear the wind chimes dancing chaotically to the heavy winds.  I hear the earth breathing, holding it, and exhaling as if it was doing an intense yoga pose.  Every so often there is silence and then it picks up again in fury.   My body seems to be in rhythmic mode with the weather.

I believe that our finest moments usually occur when we are in discomfort.  That’s why we exercise and push our bodies to crazy measures of challenges.  It is all about stepping out of our ruts and finding a ground to firmly stand on.  Yoga, hiking, cycling, etc. create a space inside that pushes our spirits to twist and turn, but eventually find peace.  The happy hormones take over and we feel a sense of completeness and wholeness.  That’s what the earth seems to be doing with this crazy weather.  This storm is preparing us for moving inward.  It provides time for us to be with those we love and ourselves.

So, while I remain snuggled up with tissues under my nose I wish you comfort and peace wherever you are.  If you are near the storm’s way please take time to be gentle with yourself.  Be safe.  This too shall pass.  Have a wonderful day!

The Collective of Oneness

Today I needed a day to get centered, out of my head, without anyone or technology.  I took my time getting up after a wonderful night of continuous sleep. I thought about staying in my P.J.’s and just taking it easy but I opted to put on a sundress, sandals and head outside into a gorgeous mountain day.  It was going to be a slow day in our retreat center.  I have to take advantage of these days.  I drove to Barnes and Noble, drank a wonderful coffee and spent more than two hours going through books and magazines.   Nearby an elderly couple sat sharing ideas for a new garden with each other.  They discussed their holiday plans with their children, grandchildren, and extended family.  They spoke of doctor appointments.  Every once in a while she would touch his hand ever so gently as he browsed through magazines.  She took out her little pill box and gave him medication.  All the meanwhile I sat wondering about the amount of time these two people have spent together in this lifetime.  How many moments of joy, intimacy, laughter, sadness, remorse, anger, love, forgiveness, loss, and other scope of emotions that can either break or mend a relationship.   They were so lovely.   At one given moment she got up to get another book and he helped her.  Then he waited for her return to help slide her chair.  These are the stories that grab me, take me into a place of serenity, and give me hope for our humanness.  I hope those moments are not wasted in past generations.  Chivalry, politeness and generosity seem like a lot to ask in these times.

 

There’s something so tender about watching a couple who has been with each other for decades.  You can always tell which ones have a mutual respect and which ones can’t wait for the other to just hurry up and drop dead.  When I witness such sincere appreciation it makes my heart melt.   True human spirit shines when no one is present.  These two fragile souls seem to have a connection that beamed from each other…a collective of oneness.

 

Evidently, what I thought would be a day of not writing at all turned into pages in my journal, which I had placed in my purse (cause you never know when the muse might visit). It had been a while since I had a day of no interaction with another. Usually once a month I try to give myself this treat, but it has been several months since I indulged in a day of solitude.  Funny thing was that I wasn’t alone.  I was more involved in the couple’s story than they could ever imagine.  It’s a bit embarrassing to think I was that absorbed in their stories.  But, shhhhh, they don’t need to know!

 

Listening to their random tones, sweet words, and concerns, made me think of how it must be to be with someone that long.  How does it feel to know someone’s secrets, pains, fears, weaknesses and all their attributions, successes, virtues that no one ever sees?   Couples who truly love each other after fifty years begin to look alike.  They finish each others’ sentences.  They know that silence speaks volumes. There is a connection that goes beyond anything else in our humanity.  There is a knowing that breaks all barriers of time and space.  I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s a year or 60.  Mutual respect, similar beliefs, love and depth are the foundation blocks to any relationship.
Between one thing and another, checking out new bathroom ideas through all the home/garden magazines, mentally tearing down walls in my kitchen, creating a new deck with a bunch of pictures, going through travel books, and checking out recipes I began to feel gratitude for their presence near me.  They reminded me of something I’ve been missing in me.

 

The following poem wrote itself:

Tell me something I don’t know
like the scars left in your soul.
Share the silliness of a fool
so I can join in your laughter.
Reach to the depth of dreams
and tell me what scares you
never leaving a single detail
of the truth you hide inside.
I’m not going anywhere.
I have a lifetime of compliance,

patience,

and love.

Disclose to me what is comfort,
compassionate,
discomfort,
intolerable…
I need to dive in your ocean
providing a safety net to grab
when you feel the turmoil
of the rip tides pulling you down.

Divulge the climates, terrain,
and landscapes that have brought
you to this place now.

Tell me something of importance
and then the irrelevance of today,
the past
and finally the vision of a tomorrow

without really planning any absolute.

 

Express those things that make

you confused,

laugh,

feel bewilderment

in the presence of others,

and in the darkest of hours.

 

Allow me to partake in this

short journey,

the path to the unknown,

and back to all that is right in life…

all that is greatness in the divinity

of YOU.

 

 

Our Mental Alarm System

 

Yesterday we went to the movies to watch Brave.  It was great.  I love animated films.  This year promises many choices.  The previews were just as great.  I always have my phone handy when I get to the movies to jot down any good quotes.  And this one just stood out:

“There’s nothing wrong with being scared as long as you don’t let it change who you are.” from the future film ParaNorman.

For most of my life I remember hearing the words, “Be brave.  Suck it up.  Don’t be scared….”  Being afraid was a weakness.  I grew up being more afraid because I believed I was failing at notbeing brave.  I suffered from panic attacks in the middle of the night.  I walked around with anxiety on my shoulders, and later creating a giant hole in my stomach.  I was a mess.  Being afraid became a part of my personality.  Others would assume that I was fine.  Those were my magic words, “I’m fine!  No worries!”

Being scared is the body’s defense.  Something inside intuitively is putting a yellow flashing light of warning in our system.  Like the above quote, there’s nothing wrong with being scared as long as you don’t let it dominate your life.  In my case I was sucking it all in and pretending I was okay with everything.  The responsibilities I added to myself in order to not fail were astronomical and I was a fool for allowing my fears to change me.

Fears are paralyzing.  Some become phobias and later on turn into major disorders.  I don’t suffer from panic attacks any longer.  Those days are over.  If I start worrying about something I start to examine what the root of the fear is trying to tell me.  Am I doing the right thing?  Is this my intuition trying to warn me?  What’s the worst case scenario if I do this?  And, there is the answer.  Stepping back away from the fear allows me to diminish the overwhelming emotional trepidation.  The emotion is just in my head.  Many times I can substitute with positive reinforcements.

Anxiety is fed by the shift in the repetition of daily habits.  When you step out of your normal state of life the fear takes over.  Most people who suffer from panic attacks and anxiety try to control everything.  When something appears in the path that is not part of the every-day function, the emotions take over.  I know this well.  I was constantly being spun out of control with distress.

My youngest daughter suffers from horrible anxiety.  Fear kicks her obsessive compulsive behavior in overdrive.  I have to stop her at times, sit her down, and say, “Ok, what’s the worst case scenario?”  We briefly go through what could happen and then she sees that the fear in her head is much larger than anything in reality.  There is nothing to control.  Being abandoned at birth and spending two and a half years in a third world country have created a fear of abandonment and other monsters.  Now that she’s older therapy and counseling is trying to break through those issues from the past.  Her fears have changed her.  They paralyze her in ways I will never understand.  Even at my worst I did not show it.  I controlled it which was probably just as bad.  Being compassionate to her anxiety is an everyday theme…but not feeding into it is also a challenge.  I want her to understand that control is an illusion.  We have little control of anything.  Things will happen.  She will have good days and she will have bad days.  Worrying over everything is not living.  She is beginning to use breathing exercises to ease the anxiety at night.   It is painfully difficult to see a 16 year old suffer from worrying and distress about so much.  I hope and pray that this is nipped in the butt now that she’s still young.  Behavior modification is important and continuously being emphasized.

The above quote has allowed me to remember that being scared is also good.  Being afraid allows you to step back and then proceed with cautiousness.  If we didn’t have that alarm we would be lost in a world of chaos.  Fear can be our equilibrium of sorts.  It can slow us down just enough to see things.  But, the moment we allow it dominate our life fear becomes a monster.  After all fear = false evidence appearing real.  It’s good to acknowledge it but don’t let it change YOUR life.  I find that meditation, exercise and being in nature alter the state of panic.  And, handing things over to the Divine is always a stress relief!