The Love Hurt

Kali and I were on our way up from Florida yesterday. About 6 hours into the trip my chest felt tight. I began to massage it. Immediately she asked from the back seat (behind the passenger side), “You okay, Mama?”

“I am, baby, just tired.”

“Your love hurts?” She asked.

I smiled and looked at her quickly, “No, sweetheart. It’s just tenderness in my chest! I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“Your love hurts. I know it does. My love hurts. A lot.”

“Kali Bug, Love doesn’t hurt.”

She began to cry. “Yes it does, Mama. My love hurts. We went to see my baby brother and he didn’t come home with us….”

She sobbed in a way that her heart was vibrating into my body. I felt the break. I began to cry. We have had an emotional week. We are frustrated. Last night she cried while holding him.

So I drove several miles while she composed herself. We released. She spoke of her promise to her little brother many years ago. (She’s mentioned this many times to which I believe her). I turned my IPod on to her favorite song, Alicia Keys’ Girl on Fire. We played it over and over for an hour. We danced and sang loudly in our seats. We made funny faces. We went on to sing other songs.

Then the love didn’t hurt so much. It smiled in gratitude for saving it. And she was happy for a little while longer. There is nothing a long car ride and great music can’t fix temporarily.

(Photo is of Kali and her little brother as we were saying goodbye). The bond they share, with just meeting this week face to face, is transcending of time and space.

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The Runner

I visited a friend who is struggling. She’s selling everything to flee and run far away from here. I recognize the behavior. For the large part of my life I ran. I either ran towards something or ran away from it. I ended up in the mountains running from a life that was comfortable into a life of pure work…but spiritually enriching. Because the “comfortable life” was empty and full of imprisonment by a man who was emotionally abusive. It took years of stripping my ego and self worth to build it into something authentic. At forty-two years old I hadn’t a clue who I really was. I was playing different roles depending on who needed them.

Seeing her today gave me palpitations. I wanted to just hold her and let her know that no matter how far she runs she will always have to deal with the core truth of herself. The running is only temporary. It will never be permanent until she lets go of the issues that she’s avoiding. I am sure someone (or many) tried to tell me the same thing eight years ago. I didn’t hear it. And I am blessed to have had support because I really struggled. It was a horribly painful time. Talk about dark nights of the soul…for several years.

Love and heartache have a way of pushing us to extremes. Nothing forces us to run quicker than the feeling of abandonment and toxic energy. It’s exhausting. It’s paralyzing so when the energy arrives to sprint away the body just sees it as survival. Who am I to try and stop her?

I hugged and kissed her, wishing her the very best. It will be a delicious adventure and a painful one. She’s headed to the desert. Nothing strips the soul deeper than that. I get it. I feel it. I know it well.

Darlings, you can only do what’s best for you regardless of what others tell you. If you need to run, do it. If you need to stay, do it. If you need a break, have it. But do not let another soul force you into making harsh decisions because of fear. Wounds heal…eventually. Love returns when you return to it. As soon as you recognize that you are a divine lover to yourself things begin to align. Until that moment you will continue to run yourself ragged. You are the most precious commodity in the world. Don’t let someone else make you feel otherwise. ~m.a.p.

Share the Love

A friend recently told me that there was no way to ever get into another relationship. This thing of falling in love is dangerous and painful. It’s better to be alone. You can’t get hurt if you stay alone. I listened. I know what it is to feel the destitution and betrayal of another. I know the hopelessness, shame, rejection that arrives from being vulnerable in an intimate relationship. But, those relationships were great…yes, even the shitty ones. They were amazingly powerful. Some taught me things about me that I never saw before. Others forced me to change those things I didn’t like in them while projecting in me. I love each one of those past lovers. Each one! Even the most detrimental experience showed me something powerful about darkness. So to shut it out completely is like stopping the flow of breath and life.

It takes time to heal from this brokenness of love. Often times it isn’t the love that needs healing but the idea that it was love and not lust. Love is wonderful and magical. It can leave us depleted and ruined when it departs. But, we can’t blame the other person completely. We took part in the journey. I always ask myself, “What was I suppose to learn from this? What the hell did this person bring up that has left me feeling like the worst possible person in the world?” Oh, I have tons of questions when this happens and then, when I least expect it, I find the remains of something beautiful. Sometimes it wasn’t about teaching me anything. It was a soul connection that needed mending from another time and space. I’m no expert. I have had my shares of anger, depression and disgrace because of past relationships, but I have given myself the time to heal and have gotten up again to get back on the horse. My tenacious ways don’t allow for another to take my power anymore.

Had I not put myself out there I would have done myself a great injustice. I enjoy being in a relationship. I enjoy loving someone. I love laughter, intimacy, and craziness. Part of my journey is to love unconditionally. If I get hurt I will return to the starting line and begin the race again. I don’t hold resentments. I forgive rather easily. I let go even quicker than before. I take my losses, fold the winnings and continue with on the path. Perhaps I am a sucker for punishment. I don’t know!

Love is not meant to be kept and guarded inside our bodies. The damage is astronomical. If you see the bitterness, anger, and sadness that others carry around you just want to stop, grab their hand and hug them. But, our society is not programmed like this…yet! You were given love to share. You must give it away. It isn’t yours to keep only for yourself. The heart breaks often, not just from relationships but from so many other situations and events.

You must forgive those souls who taught you the pain. You must forgive yourself for participating in the stories. This is part of our human evolution. It’s okay and it will be alright. It’s more than normal. We are here together. You can’t be an island on your own…even Tom Hanks began to talk to a volley ball and give it love. You must be willing to stretch your spiritual heart and provide the world with your best. We are all interconnected by this one vibration. And guess what? Most likely someone will hurt you again and again. And, guess what? You will continue to get yourself right back up and continue to forgive and love. This is what we came here to do. It’s our human responsibility to let go and continue to love again. Now go sprinkle some love and kindness out there. Have a blessed day! ~m.a.p.

The Compass

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Yesterday I had a huge challenge appear in my path. I was expecting it for some time. I knew it would cause a halt on the journey or at least a major detour. But, like all things when it finally appears you are frazzled by its presence. The knowing doesn’t even matter. It becomes a void of doubt, shame and guilt. Immediately I sat back and took a deep breath. The first person I could think of reaching out was my husband and I knew what he would say. He’s my husband. He would want me to do whatever felt right for me. The second person was my eldest son. At almost 30, he is wise beyond his years. We were both working so I texted him briefly. I gave him the condensed version.

I asked him to please answer what I should do without me being his mother. I wanted his honest answer without thinking of me as this woman who thinks she needs to save the world. He came back with a quick long answer. Immediately he took a step out of the family circle and answered the question without a single sense of being my son. He was a man. His opinions were defined by how he’s been raised. After his answer I asked him to then remember I was his mother.

He paused. I could see the (…) dancing on the screen. And then he answered with such love and compassion that I broke into a pool of tears. He asked me to stop. He asked me to also follow my heart. He asked me to go into my sacred space and ask for divine wisdom, but to please take my heart and hold it in my hands, caressing it and loving it the way I love him and others.

My son showed up as a compassionate and amazing guru and I forgot all about the dilemma/life changing event that had appeared in my path. The lesson turned into something magnificent and delightful. I needed the reminder. I had to truly get back on the right path.

He thanked me for teaching him to step back and look before reacting, reminding me that I forget myself along the way. I forget to count myself as a blessing. Hours later he called me to make sure I was okay and I thanked him through sobs. I told him that he had saved me from taking a detour into the thickness of a dark forest.

In the end…that is all we want. We want someone to be our compass when we get lost. Mostly we want to know that another soul understands us so well that we don’t have to feel along when hardships show up.

Have a beautiful day!

Owning Your Fairy Tales

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We stay. We put up. We whine and complain but we remain in a familiar environment because it is all we know. Several years ago, in the midst of leaving an eighteen year old relationship I had to decide if I wanted to continue being Rapunzel on a gorgeous tower were I was a prisoner or come out into the world leaving those wealthy possessions behind. Even Rapunzel had a hard time leaving what she knew. It’s never easy to walk on faith. It’s pretty daunting moving through the unknown. After witnessing the embezzling of my business and how I was being financially cheated (both professionally and personally) I took the road less traveled. I dispersed my grown children…making sure they had their own places and I took the youngest ones. My family and friends were shocked to see how I dismantled a comfortable and wealthy life in no time once I decided to leave the tower of convenience and presumption.

As children we live our happy worlds based on fairy tales. And, to some point life can be a fairy tale. We have the ability to create all that we want but we must first allow the Universe to teach us the difference between what we “think” we want and what our “purpose” really is for this life. We do not teach our children that, yes, Cinderella did end up with the prince in a castle but the castle has a mortgage and expenses. We don’t teach them that in all those fairy tales there is the aspect of good and evil (our light vs. darkness both psychologically and spiritually). As girls we grow up believing that there will be a Prince Charming coming to save us, but be careful because He may come with a lot of addictions and baggage that won’t fit in the largest of castles.

We stay. We put up with those things that society has forced us to place higher than ourselves: money, comfort, and social standards.  We also conform to careers we can’t stand, places we dislike living in, and toxic friendships.  I can assure you that disentangling any life of familiarity is never easy. As much as we complain about our circumstances sometimes remaining is a lot more uncomplicated than leaving. And, if you are in an abusive relationship, where your Ego believes that you deserve nothing better, it is even harder to detach from what you know and move to the unknown.

I have created my own fairy tales. I am no longer Cinderella or Rapunzel. I am not Snow White and my seven dwarfs. I am no longer Frozen in my old life. I am also not a Mermaid stuck without a voice on land. I am manifesting a journey full of those things that matter: love, friendships, travels, compassion, grace, and integrity. Teaching our children to create their own fairy tales is important. We can show them examples by the way we move through our own journeys. My Prince Charming didn’t show up on a white horse. He walked in with a black Great Dane name Titan and enough humor to allow me to be me for the first time ever. I have witnessed the ability of strength and pride through my own expeditions. They have not been comfortable. They have broken me at times, and mended me beyond any happy endings I could have ever imagined.

Don’t stay for the sake of familiarity. Move through the unknown and let faith guide you. I promise that on the other side of fear lives the freedom you have dreamed through the old voices of fairy tales. You own your path and your destination through however you feel fit to create them.   It’s a matter of consciously shifting your perception from the reality you have accepted to be real.   Bravery comes through grace and allowing Spirit to guide us through the storm.

The Power of Loss

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You’ve known loss. I’ve known loss. We have all lost someone, something, and at times even ourselves. We lose. That’s what entails living. We gain and we lose. I have lost loved ones to death, to misunderstandings, to circumstances, and to the world. I have lost myself more times during the process of growth and expansion than I care to remember. This happens. It must in order to grow. I wish we didn’t have to go through disappointments, despair, loneliness, shame, catastrophe, wreckage, and anything under the umbrella of misfortunes.

When I was in my twenties I lost a man whose absence changed the perspective of what I thought I deserved in love. He would become the love gauge of what and how I should be loved. It would take years to feel the assurance of what I should have in the love department. He asked me to marry him, I said yes, and three days later, at the age of 25, he died in a car accident. Just like that…gone!  One minute making plans to marry me and adopt my two boys…and in a second the emptiness and destitution of nothing. It’s been over 20 years since that moment and the heartache that it produced has finally stopped aching. The loss, however, never has. 

The thing about loss is that the grief it carries is inexplicable. Its shame is unpredictable. He’s still around in my dreams, in words someone says, in a smile a stranger might give me, in a look another might have. He’s in books and movies and many relationships. He’s still in me because no matter what happens every person who enters our existence leaves a imprint. It is never erased. Some leave them deeper than others. And, every other relationship that has existed in my life has also visited those scars and places of loneliness. In the beginning the shame that arrived for me still living and him being gone was incomprehensible. However, I held on to love. I held on to the beauty of forgiveness and knowing that he passed my life to better it…not to create a trauma so large that I would stop loving forever. The choice to continue loving is one of pure courage. Who the hell wants to feel that pain again? Why would anyone want to take the chance to feel that loss once more?

Here is the thing…to shut yourself off from the world is insanity. It is a great injustice. We are not made to live without love. We are not made to put up walls. We are to continue growing through those losses. I’ve lost no more and no less than anyone else. I have lost physically and mentally while in those losses I have doubted my humanity, my self-worth, and my ability to keep going. I have loved time and time again and have been hurt. I have left the warmth and comfort in not wanting relationships to then dive in and get hurt. I have been ruptured and stitched up again. I have seen the beauty in mindful love and the downside of giving all I am. It’s been worth the ride. 

I remember telling someone that a break like that truly feels like a giant crack inside. I believe it is then that the fracture allows for the heart to expand and grow to love deeper. Perhaps I am delusional. I just know that the times that I have ended relationships, or death has taken someone, the pain is so immense that my soul needs time alone to recuperate. I literally feel the ache coming from my chest. It is in those moments that the tears wash everything out and I realize that faith is the only means of transportation. I have no regrets because the child in me only wants love and to be loved. If that entails loss…well that’s a mighty hefty price that needs to be paid. 

Love is part of conscious living. You must give it in order to breathe.

We are not exempt from disappointments, deaths, breakups, tragedies, and anything under the scope of loss. Loss is the vulture that cleans our insides. While it’s in there anger, resentment, guilt, shame, and a kaleidoscope of emotions rise. Loss eats every aspect of hope and then allows for new cells to rebuild. If we live long enough we will see the immense power of hatred as well as the magnitude of love. 

This is your life. This is my life. This is life. Do not confine yourself to a prison of safety by not opening your heart to the world. You will miss out in other ways that Spirit can gift you through the magic of love. You are not alone. May you find the courage to love again and again for the rest of your life!