I’ve been a little under the weather the past few days.  I’ve been struggling with allergies and/or sinus issues.  Either way I am trying not to own the physical impairment.  Because I believe in Louise Hay’s theory of emotions (and misalignment in spirit) causing “dis-ease,”  I went to bed last night asking the Universe to show me what was causing me so much irritation.  I strongly believe my nasal irritation had something to do with external forces rather than environmental allergies.

I woke this morning with a deep sense of heartbreak.  I still was not feeling well.  I made it to the kitchen to answer a bunch of emails, drink coffee and say my morning prayers.  In the midst of it all I broke down in tears over the cup, tears flowing into the java.  What the hell is wrong with me?  The answer came in an echo…”the heartbreak of humanity.”

Recent events have caused me some heart ache with family members.  Lack of communication and perceptions have added to some major fall outs.  My best friend reminds me that everyone is struggling with their own demons.  She should know.  She works for the airline business as well as our center.   She sees the worst of the worst trapped up on a capsule.   She has learned that in most cases people project their own unhappy issues onto others.

Now weeks later, after the anger has somewhat subsided, I realize I am irritated by all the comments and separation.  I sat at the kitchen table wanting a do-over.  How could I have let these events happen without standing up for myself?  I should have called the players of this drama and said, “Thank you, but let’s get to the real issue here?”  I mean, why not allow my psychology degree work its magic?  Every part of my spirit knows that this has little to do with me, but rather a break in communication, unhappiness and ego status.  I feel that all the external jabber has passed an expiration date.  As much compassion as I tried showing these folks it hasn’t been enough.  At some point I began shielding my own ego.  I will never do that again.

So today I sat with tears racing down my face, my chest tightening up, and this complete sadness for humanity.  Why can’t we just get along?  I left the kitchen and crawled back into my warm bed.  My boyfriend turned over to say good morning to witness me squirming.  “What’s going on?” he asked.

“Why can’t humanity just get along?  Why can’t we love each other?  Why, why can’t we just find peace within the indifference? Why is everyone fighting to make irrelevant points even when it is so ridiculous?”  I am sure the last thing he imagined was another hippie-I-believe-in-unicorns moment.  He is not a morning person.  Now imagine waking up to this drama?

I will not share his answers.  I think they are more of what I don’t need about reality.  I want to believe there is hope and some magical awakening to what is love, peace and divine light.  His military ways will not provide a fairy tale ending.  His motto is “hope for the best but expect the worst.” And this is fine.  He believes I am “too nice and live in an unrealistic world.  The world out there is not pretty, babe.  You are too trusting!”

Why am I so emotional lately?  Why has my heart opened up so much that I feel this ache for our world?  I read things on facebook that leave me feeling helpless.  I don’t watch the news but then the comments are left in other forms of media.  I find that we dive into the negative a lot more quickly and willingly than finding the light of optimism.  Have we been programmed so severely to believe there is no hope unless you believe in a certain group, religion, political affiliation, etc?  I don’t want to fix the world.  I just want to understand why I feel so broken inside when people, who are supposed to be on my side can create negative energy to bring me down (without even wondering what has happened).

I am reminded of a quote I recently read, “Faith means that you have peace even when you don’t have all the answers.”  And there you have it…I will have the faith needed to stop trying to make sense and allow God to do His job.  I ask, am I alone in these emotions, sentimental mumbo-jumbo, and perception?  Is there something going on mass consciously to stop others and wonder about our humanity?  Or, am I just overly sensitive and entering a new era of hot flashes and the hormonal roller coasters?