This So Far

Four seasons have come and gone
With the breaking
As stumps are left in the distance
Resembling you and me.
It’s the end of winter
And the spring is filling
With rebirth all over.
A part of me knew
This wasn’t us,
But I couldn’t
Accept the changes.
I needed to mend my life,
Search for my sum,
And allow seasons to come naturally.
This much so far is me
Untouched but recreated
Through the passages
Of time here.
You won’t be celebrating me
But I toast to the new
Divine feminine awakened.
You must know this so far,
Even contemplate
The answers to all those questions
We pondered
With long conversations
Throughout heated nights.
I didn’t fit in your world.
This so far is mine
And I will never be back to you
As the woman I was
When I left.

Colors of Us

Love is a privilege given to all

to take

or not.

Your call this morning

yanked me out of sweet sleep.

Your first words,

“I love you.  I miss you”

woke me like a bucket of cold water


against my warm body…

I stopped you,

halting all of your jabbing

slurring into the morning light.

You needed to be heard

and when you finished

the mumble jumble of puzzled words

I hung up to wash you off my spirit.

I stood in a hot steaming shower,

placed my face against the cold tile

as the water scolded me

and I stared at the smoke rising

realizing the difference between us:

I think in colors, pretty shapes, and music.

You think in darkness, straight lines and equations.

I need you to release the colors I placed

in your heart a while ago.

Let me have my love back.

I can’t breathe without that return.

My colors obviously cannot light

the gloom you continue to carry,

but I will always love you

more than the privilege deserves.

Heartbreak for Humanity

small acts

I’ve been a little under the weather the past few days.  I’ve been struggling with allergies and/or sinus issues.  Either way I am trying not to own the physical impairment.  Because I believe in Louise Hay’s theory of emotions (and misalignment in spirit) causing “dis-ease,”  I went to bed last night asking the Universe to show me what was causing me so much irritation.  I strongly believe my nasal irritation had something to do with external forces rather than environmental allergies.

I woke this morning with a deep sense of heartbreak.  I still was not feeling well.  I made it to the kitchen to answer a bunch of emails, drink coffee and say my morning prayers.  In the midst of it all I broke down in tears over the cup, tears flowing into the java.  What the hell is wrong with me?  The answer came in an echo…”the heartbreak of humanity.”

Recent events have caused me some heart ache with family members.  Lack of communication and perceptions have added to some major fall outs.  My best friend reminds me that everyone is struggling with their own demons.  She should know.  She works for the airline business as well as our center.   She sees the worst of the worst trapped up on a capsule.   She has learned that in most cases people project their own unhappy issues onto others.

Now weeks later, after the anger has somewhat subsided, I realize I am irritated by all the comments and separation.  I sat at the kitchen table wanting a do-over.  How could I have let these events happen without standing up for myself?  I should have called the players of this drama and said, “Thank you, but let’s get to the real issue here?”  I mean, why not allow my psychology degree work its magic?  Every part of my spirit knows that this has little to do with me, but rather a break in communication, unhappiness and ego status.  I feel that all the external jabber has passed an expiration date.  As much compassion as I tried showing these folks it hasn’t been enough.  At some point I began shielding my own ego.  I will never do that again.

So today I sat with tears racing down my face, my chest tightening up, and this complete sadness for humanity.  Why can’t we just get along?  I left the kitchen and crawled back into my warm bed.  My boyfriend turned over to say good morning to witness me squirming.  “What’s going on?” he asked.

“Why can’t humanity just get along?  Why can’t we love each other?  Why, why can’t we just find peace within the indifference? Why is everyone fighting to make irrelevant points even when it is so ridiculous?”  I am sure the last thing he imagined was another hippie-I-believe-in-unicorns moment.  He is not a morning person.  Now imagine waking up to this drama?

I will not share his answers.  I think they are more of what I don’t need about reality.  I want to believe there is hope and some magical awakening to what is love, peace and divine light.  His military ways will not provide a fairy tale ending.  His motto is “hope for the best but expect the worst.” And this is fine.  He believes I am “too nice and live in an unrealistic world.  The world out there is not pretty, babe.  You are too trusting!”

Why am I so emotional lately?  Why has my heart opened up so much that I feel this ache for our world?  I read things on facebook that leave me feeling helpless.  I don’t watch the news but then the comments are left in other forms of media.  I find that we dive into the negative a lot more quickly and willingly than finding the light of optimism.  Have we been programmed so severely to believe there is no hope unless you believe in a certain group, religion, political affiliation, etc?  I don’t want to fix the world.  I just want to understand why I feel so broken inside when people, who are supposed to be on my side can create negative energy to bring me down (without even wondering what has happened).

I am reminded of a quote I recently read, “Faith means that you have peace even when you don’t have all the answers.”  And there you have it…I will have the faith needed to stop trying to make sense and allow God to do His job.  I ask, am I alone in these emotions, sentimental mumbo-jumbo, and perception?  Is there something going on mass consciously to stop others and wonder about our humanity?  Or, am I just overly sensitive and entering a new era of hot flashes and the hormonal roller coasters?

The One

Recently on a trip to my therapist, whom I hadn’t visited in almost 12 months, I was made aware of the parameters I place on relationships. I had a deep heartbreak months ago. The person whom I thought was the greatest love of my life wasn’t. My therapist asked me if he was “The One?” I asked her why I needed to come to terms with labeling any man in that category. (And I know how much it irritates her when I answer with a question). I sat there thinking, Hmmm, they have all been “The Ones.” Each relationship I’ve had, and I haven’t had that many, have been in their own special way “The One.” Follow me on this….

We have giant status quo, concepts, ideas, guidelines and categories for the great loves in our lives. They have to have this and that in order to fit the criterion that best suits our lives. The reality is that the perfection of what we desire is all an illusion. All my relationships have had the makings and the footprints of being “The One.” I have been entertained with several personalities of being “the greatest” at something. They have had several labels and titles. I’ve had the one giant narcissist. I’ve had the worst kisser, the greatest comedian, the generous one, the most amazing cook, the best lover, the one that got away, the runner, the fighter, the broken one, the compassionate one, the hater, the abuser, the teacher, the fixer, the psycho, etc. I am certain they all have names for me as well! Each man has allowed me to grow in ways that have attributed to me and my desire to learn a valuable lesson. I don’t see mistakes any longer in my life. I accept them as opportunities to learn priceless guidance from the Divine. I have no regrets of my past relationships. With any bad memories I can fill the gaps with wonderful ones.

To label one human being as “The One” is truly foolish, and a way of shortchanging myself in this life. Great loves do not appear out of nowhere. They arrive at the perfect timing to what we need to assimilate. Each heart break brings with it a powerful understanding of our own reflections in the world. It’s sad and beautiful, simultaneously. The synchronicity of the union is always magical. People are attracted to one another for a million reasons. When the union is no longer the same (or the parameters change) we blame the other person instead of taking responsibility for our role in it as well. It takes two people to make a loving relationship. I would hate to put all the blame and efforts on the other person. It is not only crazy but very egotistical.

I think I left my therapist feeling a bit baffled, or not. I guess she wanted a deeper concrete answer from me. I won’t be seeing her for a while. I think I got my answer sitting there trying to make ends and tails at the loss of this extravagant recent union. I got it. It was splendid, short, sweet, and full of a great release of emotions I had bottled up for a lifetime. That’s the benefit in speaking with someone who is not bias about your life. You get to examine yourself from different points of views and perspectives even when the realization and epiphany comes right from yourself. I realize now that I am in no rush to meet the next “Great One.” I am finally learning to live with “The One” in myself.