We are moving through toughness

I sat with my coffee mug snuggled inside both my cold hands while I was in a lotus position on my sofa this morning. The only light in the room was a salt lamp. I felt the heat from the mug rise to my face.

I’ve been cold.

I’ve been lost.

I’ve been sad.

And I’ve been questioning every single thing in my life. I have been tracing and retracing decisions, analyzing them in a forensic manner. It’s not like me. Yet, for weeks I’ve done nothing but try to fix past choices.

I’ve gone back in dreams trying to redo wrongdoings and the outcome never changes.

I know this is beyond ridiculous. But one thing that has shown up is that I’ve let go of regrets and resentments during these moments. It has helped clear up old karmic connections.

I have cut cords and allowed things to just be.

I entered meditation earlier this morning. The sound of darkness engulfed me. I felt the sting of grief come up again. It’s been coming and going for a bit. I felt the five stages come up in intervals: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The meditation was more like a release than a sacred ritual. And, that’s okay too.

I have no reasons for moving through this dark night of the soul. I’ve gone through this so many other times. I don’t know why it has reappeared. But, I do know that it won’t just disappear until I allow its course without resistance. I must do the work in the same manner that I tell my personal clients during intuitive counseling sessions. I’m no different than anyone else. I cannot help another if I don’t walk the same paths of least resistance.

I have a new day job. I’m working with infants. It’s been several weeks. I’ve moved from mental health nightmares to pure light in newborns. It’s been draining and exuberant simultaneously. It’s a bizarre contradiction. My days are long and physically draining. Before this they were long and emotionally vampiric.

I’ve experienced the duality of what makes us human. I’ve seen darkness and, now, light. But a part of me is in the middle asking and demanding all sorts of answers from the cosmos.

A friend gave me an intuitive reading months ago. She said I would be entering one of the darkest periods of my life. I told her, while laughing, that I have experienced those before. It surely cannot be that bad. (What a way to contradict experiences before they even happen)! I promised her I would be gentle with myself. I don’t do victim mode at all. I have little patience for pity parties. Yet, here I am. I find myself struggling with the most mundane decisions: hair up or leave it down. So I try both ways and instead of choosing a style I spend part of my day obsessing with it. Up and down. And the same goes for what I wear, what I need to say, and what I should be doing with my life.

This is not me. I have the impatience of a two year old with myself. I get shit done. I move to the next thing. Not lately! It seems as of everything is moving in a slow escalator and I must wait to get to where I’m going because it’s full of people and I can’t pass them. I’m at the mercy of the universe.

I had to remove myself from social media. I deactivated Facebook. I deleted Instagram from my phone. In order to survive whatever this is I have to make my world super small. Except for those who need a session, I’ve had to cancel commitments, events and just concentrate on this very single moment.

This is not for sissies. I told a dear friend this weekend to check on her friends…the ones who suddenly disappear and retreat into their world because it’s dangerous. I feel the more awakened one becomes the more disconnection shows up from the 3D world. It’s hard not to question everything. It’s hard not to want logical answers for the reasons we must struggle.

I have endless questions and then have to remind myself to just be.

Darlings, I’m feeling your heaviness. I read your messages and emails. I feel the collective and how this spiritual ascension is triggering us all. We are having to revisit old crap. We are having to let go and forgive. It’s okay. You are not alone. I have to believe we will be better once we get to the other side of this. I feel it. But in the meantime allow for the discomfort. Make time to be alone. Put your tiny world in the utmost priority. Put yourself in a bubble of self love.

I am with you holding you in grace….

I love you!

I Believe in the Change

I woke earlier this morning and made the mistake to get on FB for inspiration to then read about another shooting. Ugh. I’m sick. I’m so sick over the unbelievable events taking place in our backyards.

Let’s not pretend this is new. It’s old news. It’s been happening forever but I (in my naive loving heart) continue to believe that we are evolving as humans. That we are spiritually seeking ascension into a higher vibrational earth. That we have a handle on things…..

Maybe, just maybe, this is happening more frequently so we can stand up and make a difference. Perhaps this is a final calling card from the heavens to rise up and change the system, the corruption, and begin to heal this planet.

I really don’t know.

I do know that change is happening because things are appearing quicker. This hatred must stop. And those who fuel it will be stopped. I believe this.

I know that in asking to love everyone I sound like a child believing in fairy tales but I truly believe that in order to rise to higher consciousness we cannot dive into the fear. We must stay in a place of love. We don’t have to like or accept this violence. God, no! But, we also must understand that these individuals are coming from a place of lower vibration. That these folks are mentally ill. No one shoots another without being sick. They have been fed fear, hatred, arrogance, prejudice, bigotry and ignorance for a long time. They believe what they believe because that’s all they know.

And if it’s not with guns it will be with bombs and other means to do what they have been programmed to do. Which is to hate.

You know what I know? That we can shift consciousness through staying open to a higher emotion. That doesn’t fix the problem. It ripples it across the world and in turn we get to make a change. But just thoughts and prayers do not make changes. Let’s not confuse sending healing with just standing by and watching this shit evolve. There has to be action behind it. Stop the bullying, the massacres, and anything else by bringing it all to light. Go vote. Go make some major changes in our government. Get out there and let your voice be heard. But don’t bash or use hate to trump hate. That’s just viciously fueling the source.

I love you. And I hurt when the world hurts. Abuse, violence, atrocities of any kind are not acceptable in this age of awareness. We are better than this, darlings. We are so much better than this. We are heading into some powerful changes and it’s time to find your place in this world to help move this evolution along.