Listen to Your Soul

soul

On Friday morning I got to work super early. We had a giant mess to put back together because of moving. At around 6:30AM I loaded up three drawers of a huge file cabinet, when I sat to fill the bottom drawer, the file cabinet collapsed on my back, pinning me to the floor on my stomach. I began to laugh. It was a nervous laugh that happens when I know I am stuck in a bind. I knew no one would be in for several hours. I laid there thinking, “Okay, this is not a fun way to go…someone will find me along with messy bodily fluids.” I could imagine the jokes that would come from how Millie passed on! I began to laugh harder, at which time, I couldn’t get my strength because I just felt so silly. Then, of course, a little bit of panic started to creep into my thoughts. “Like, oh my God, this is no way to go. How long before I stop breathing? And, shit, I shouldn’t have had all that coffee cause I have to pee.”

Suddenly, I heard a clear voice, that voice that comes from the cosmos with no accent and complete assurance, “Listen! Get a new soul.” Then I thought, “Oh well, here we go again. I am about to die and get another soul. Nope, I won’t come back! I am done! I ain’t having it. I am not coming back to this earthly thingy called life. Hell, no…this is it.” I am actually whispering this back out loud. Again, the voice, said, “Listen! You will have a new soul.”

After some heavy breathing, jiggling, and strength that came from I don’t know where, I was able to get out from under the cabinet and actually stand it up. I recognized then that the floor was really uneven, and had I actually paid attention, nothing would have happened to me. But, then I wouldn’t have been guided by the magical voices…because it takes all of me to be pinned and shut down in order to really listen to guidance. I have to be put into a difficult health situation in order to listen to the Universe.

Miraculously, other than a scratch on my arm, I had no bruising or broke anything. I say that because it was a miracle. I worked the rest of the day, still thinking about the voice. But, I got busy and forgot about it until 2AM Saturday morning. It was then that I recognized that maybe I did need a new soul. Maybe it was time to go see what a new soul would cost me. The maybe became quite a certainty!

I haven’t had my own car in years. My husband and I have been sharing one. I got up Saturday morning, dressed our little girl, and drove to the Kia dealership. It was 9AM and 11 men (I counted them cause it’s very intimidating to see who will attack first) were standing waiting in a sea of sharks. I made eye contact with the oldest one I could find. I knew he would listen to me. We introduced ourselves. I told him what I wanted: “I want a Kia Soul not older than 2 years old, with the least mileage and will pay X amount!”

He proceeded to try and sell me another car. I once again, looked into his eyes, and said, “Let’s start all over again. My name is Millie, I am here to buy a Soul….I am not interested in anything else.” He listened. He explained that with what I wanted it would be difficult to find something in that lot. I laughed. I told him I would be leaving with a Soul, whether it was in his dealership or another, and that I believed that if he checked in his computer there was one car that fit all my needs. “It will be a miracle,” he said to me.

I answered, “Well, I hope you believe in them, cause I am driving a new soul out of here today.”

Now, you can imagine the rest of the story. This is not my first rodeo. I have bought many cars. It’s a game of pull and push for me which I truly enjoy with zest. It’s a game I actually play very well. I might not be good at many things, but buying a house or a car are on top of my talents. The manager came to talk to me, trying to intimidate me, to which I kindly answered, “Darling, you aren’t doing me a favor by selling me a car. I am doing YOU a favor by buying one here. You have a lot of 2015 sitting out there. You need to move them. Here is a list of all the other dealerships with the car I need.” That made him go back and forth a few times. They, miraculously, met all my needs and beyond. The little old man was shocked and shared that he had never seen anything like what he experienced. He began to share about losing faith. He told me a very personal story, eyes watering, and told me that I had made a believer out of him. He just couldn’t understand why he had lost his way. His story is one of many we hear everyday about financial struggles, losing everything, addiction, and so much more. I am always surprised at the things total strangers share with me. Almost like a confessional before they die. It’s astonishing. But, a miracle did appear that day. He saw it because to all effects, there was no way in hell anyone should have sold me a car without money, and a not so great credit, and with the amount that I told them. I told him that the logistics didn’t matter to me because I knew I would have a soul to drive home in.

When the Divine speaks at times it is humorous. You can either take it literally or figurative. I have learned to stand back and allow Spirit to guide me. Whether it’s a new soul or not…it’s pretty amazing the way that things unravel if you just take time to listen and follow the magic because your Higher Self is always watching out for you!

Forgiveness is an Act of Will

forgiveness

A lot has been appearing about forgiveness the past few weeks. A dear friend called me for advice on something. She asked me to meet her at a cafe and we sat outside on a gorgeous spring day. She began her saga and before I could tell her what I thought she said, “I know what you are gonna say. ‘Let it go and forgive…karma has his address.’ But, I cannot and will not let it go.” I asked her why she wanted my help when she was going to do whatever she wanted to do? She apparently just wanted someone’s permission. And, this I did tell her. I don’t condone that saying, “An eye for an eye.” I cannot relate to getting back at anyone for their wrongdoings. I am not programmed that way. I believe the universe has a way of keeping tally and it’s not for me to return the hurt and damage. I am not so much a pacifist as I am a believer that what goes around, comes around.

Here is what I know about forgiveness: it’s never for the other person. When I forgive it’s for me to let go. I forgive in order to let go of my own betrayal in not trusting God. I know I’ve been heavily criticized and judged by many closed to me for letting things go so easily. I have been known to abandon a horrible situation and not look back. I truly just let it all go. When I am at that point of desperation, anxiety and emotional crisis I have to gather my integrity and just head out the door. I’ve lost an endless amount of money, careers, homes and relationships because I refuse to entertain someone else’s insanity. I refuse to degrade my spirit into enabling their own hurt. All I can do is wish them well and keep moving forward. It’s not easy! I don’t leave a situation all airy-fairy dancing in joy. I leave depleted and exhausted with pain. I truly believe with every cell that when a person hurts you it’s because they are heavily hurt. Most people do not take responsibility for their actions or their drama. It’s easier to point to another person. So that hurt will become severe as time passes. Me, retaliating and hurting them is not the answer. I only know that walking away…starting over…just letting things take their course, is the way I am designed to function and forgive. It might not be for anyone else. But, it is for me! It’s the only way I can sleep at night, knowing that I have forgiven and have placed the events in some compartment of compassion. I establish the experience as a powerful lesson…and onto to the next one!  Sometimes this happens in a short span of time.  Other times it takes longer, but never do I regret walking away!

I am certain I’ve hurt many along the journey of my life. I am one of the most imperfect tenacious souls I’ve ever encountered. I don’t deliberately go out of my way to harm anyone but I do know that when we don’t act in accordance to what another expects, hurt is birthed in a situation. Our expectations of each other create disappointments. Our own past issues keep mirroring and re-enacting so we learn powerful life lessons.

Sometimes it takes a while for me to let things go…but when I do, the ache is no longer there. Those who have hurt me have been released from me. They are free. I can speak with them, see them in the street, and feel absolutely nothing but compassion. I don’t have to avoid them or be malicious with them. I simply move along and allow them to be who they are.  They no longer owe me anything because I have released them from that obligation. They are struggling with their own issues. As humans we are just trying to make it through this expedition alive until the day we are not.

I asked my friend what she would get out of hurting this person who has hurt her so deeply. She said, “Peace!” I told her there is no peace in revenge. There isn’t anything but more hurt. Sure, she would get satisfaction from returning pain but eventually that would bite her back in the ass. I begged her never to ask me for that kind of advice. I cannot tolerate the idea of purposely hurting another just because it helps that person clear their ego. Ego has a way of playing us into stupid trickery. It will create elaborate plotting and scheming ideas to feel that it has won. I don’t entertain that kind of behavior. The higher you go on the chain of evolution the less you hold on to regrets, resentments, anger and other lower vibrational frequencies.

You know when you’ve grown? When you no longer hold another in your painful thoughts. You know when you’ve evolved spiritually? When you only wish them the very best in spite of what they caused you. You know when life is providing true freedom? When you see the hurt coming way before it arrives and you simply accept it and move on. You set boundaries and are no longer a doormat, but you allow for those experiences to teach you about your humanness. Oprah has said, True forgiveness is when you can say, “Thank you for that experience.”

Letting go is not easy. It’s not a cliche that we can swallow when we are angry and full of resentments. It’s sometimes the struggle that creates such a distressful sense of anxiety. But, letting go of the past, traumas, events, atrocities, and anything else actually creates a sense of BEing. You eventually begin to find balance through gratitude for those life assignments. You deserve a serene state of consciousness. Your higher soul will provide the most favorable lessons for the evolution of your spiritual growth. It’s up to you to accept them and move on. Forgiveness, in every sense of the word, is gracious and merciful. Don’t let hurt keep you in a prison of your own hatred.

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.” ~Steve Maraboli

Loving the Impossible

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My grandfather was a grumpy old man.  Most people were intimidated and afraid of his demeanor.  He was hard on the outside.  We were taught early on to fear and respect him.  On one of our summer trips to Puerto Rico my mother warned us about staying out of his way.  He had this big office and would spend most of the day in there.  I would go inside and sit by him.  At eleven years of age I loved adults.  I enjoyed elderly people.  We could relate to one another.  We would sit in silence for a while.  Then he would ask if I had something to play with outside of his office.  I would say, “No, I’m fine.  Whatcha doing?”  He would grunt.  He would say I asked a lot of questions.  He would then continue working.  On his desk he had pictures of children from South America.  I asked him if they were part of our family.  He grunted with a no.  I would press on day after day until one day I saw him making out a check to a foundation.  He had children he would sponsor.  I later found out he helped a lot of people who never asked anything of him.  This is the type of man he was.  He was impossible on the outside but a teddy bear on the inside.  It was that moment that changed my perception of him forever.

As I grew older and my grandparents moved closer to us in South Florida I would go visit him.  Every time I would leave I would hug him and asked him to tell me he loved me.  He would grunt and tried to kick me out.  I would just go back and sit on the sofa until he would tell me.  One day he said in Spanish, “You love the impossible, don’t you?”  This caught me off guard.  He would mumble the words, “I love you” in English as if pulling teeth.  I would then proceed to ask for a smile.  This was a dance we did for many years.  He wasn’t impossible.  He was all things possible.  He was a strong man with structure and tenacity.  My mother used to beg me not to bother him when I would visit.  To no avail, I needed his impossibilities.  He was one of the greatest loves because of them.

I love.  I do love the impossible because I’m possible and like magnets we attract.  Most folks who are difficult and hard have the softest interiors.  They are the silent ones who help without needing acknowledgement.  They are the ones who donate money and worry about the welfare of the underdogs.  We are not all on the same spectrum.  But love is love regardless of the impossible or the possible.  It is timeless, space-less, self-less, placeless, and priceless.   At times I hear my grandfather’s questions in my head when I meet the “impossible” ones.  I hear my answer to him each time, “Because all things are possible.  The word impossible says I’m possible of everything.”  He would grunt and tried hard not to smile.  We are all possible and deserve to be loved for the differences of interiors and exteriors.

How do we love?  How do we pick who to love?  Is there such a guide to loving? I might not agree with someone’s views, opinions or way of life, but I do stand with an open heart.  I have had exes who stole my heart and will continue to be loved by me.  Our time came to an end and we learned and evolved.  But, the love will always remain somewhere in a box close to heart.  I’ve had friends who meant the world to me, inseparable, and time came and went and they are no longer in my life.  But, when I think of them my heart smiles because they existed to fill a void, to love all parts of us, and to teach me forgiveness in me and them.  And, with my own children, some have arrived deeply wounded and I have loved and had to let go.  They are always loved.  We don’t have to love with a heavy heart those who ruffle our feathers.  We have to love with an opened one.  That’s how we love.  That’s how we connect to the divine.  People and situations get placed in our path to evolve and better our higher selves.  We deserve to acknowledge those parts of others and us.  I love.  You love.  We all love one way or another.  No two loves are the same.  No two souls can match exactly.  But, when you love from a place of truth, forgiveness, compassion, grace, and boundaries, there is no such thing as impossible.

“Listen to the mustn’ts, child. Listen to the don’ts. Listen to the shouldn’ts, the impossibles, the won’ts. Listen to the never haves, then listen close to me… Anything can happen, child. Anything can be.”~Shel Silverstein