The Victim Mode

As humans we aren’t exempt from brokenness and deep wounds. It’s how the light gets in. I don’t believe we are victims. The victim mind isn’t one I associate myself with at all…anymore. Every act leads to a reaction which follows by growth.

Some folks stay in victim/martyr mode. It works for them because they get attention. They get what they need. I used to be led by my circumstances, telling and retelling of stories that no longer served me. I don’t know how or why, but a part of me needed to be acknowledged for those experiences.

When traumas come up, whether through dreams or real life, I sit with them. I now recognize them. I also send them off their way. I visit for as long as they need attention. Those events and obstacles happened to get where I am now. Had I not experienced them I wouldn’t be who I am today. That may be a good or bad thing. It doesn’t matter. It’s still part of the formation of my human ego/personality.

I choose not to live in those crevices or soft reminders. I choose to rise and keep learning. I choose to forgive myself (and whoever else) for the participation. I choose to thank God (and them) for the amazing roles. This doesn’t mean the act is ignored. It doesn’t mean it never happened. It only means that I am not a victim of my past. I am also not a survivor. I am a human being on a journey of self-empowerment. I choose to stay in this excursion through love. I choose love over anything else.  When those memories, dreams, or events re-appear I now have the ability to detach from the pain and look at them as blessings. Every step, corner, edge, and mishap molded me in just the perfect way to open me consciously.

You and I have the capacity for greatness. The only way to move forward is to accept, detect and reject the things that have happened.  If you are living in regrets and resentments you aren’t ready to move into the next level of greatness. You are still in victim mode. If you keep blaming others for who and what you’ve become, you are still in martyr and victim mode. You are the only one who can change that role. Stop giving the pen for others to write YOUR story. Stop being ashamed of what brought you here. Stop allowing the past to dictate your present and future.  Every fear and disappointment adds to the level of your health. Do you want to be sick or do you want to be free? Forgive and let go. Don’t keep holding on to things that cannot be changed. 
 
Get out there and recognize your worth. Every single moment gives you an opportunity to do better, be better, and create better for yourself. No one is a victim. Traumas are part of the darkness that gives duality to our world. Without those experiences we would never know how amazing things can be. There is a balance available to us at all times. Choose love. Choose the ultimate love for yourself and move out of those old beliefs, undeserving paradigms and stay in the highest frequency of all.  
It isn’t enough that I let go of my own past. It requires the collective to do the same so we can shift the consciousness around the world. We are coming into some incredibly delicious times. Join me in healing. We can do it together.
 
I love you.
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You Are Divine

There are millions of stories out in the world that reflect right back to our own circumstances. Let’s face it, we all have them because that’s what makes life. We are compilations of historical events. Some monumental, others not so much. We are the sum of every single experience, interaction, and reaction. We are here on borrowed time creating novels of information and adventures.

Tell me what life doesn’t have some juicy substance that makes us gasp, smile, cry, love and forgive.

Tell me how we make it out of here without any experience that is worth sharing and learning from others.

Tell me, and show me as well, how you can do it alone because I don’t know if I would want to. I want to hear you, touch you, or have the availability to read parts of your legacy.

Tell me how we can overcome obstacles without truly being aided by a Supreme Being and loved ones.

Tell me, just tell me how we can withhold truth from ourselves and others…and still make it an authentic life. How can we call that a life worth living?

Tell me, because I don’t know any other way but to pour out my heart to others and allow others to pour their essence into me so I can drink from their knowledge.

I want to join the warriors of love and light to continue changing the world with spiritual vibes. I want to leave a footprint alongside others bringing joy and laughter.

This, I know, I want for the rest of my life.

Remember that every single thing you’ve experienced (bad or good, lovely or shameful) has brought you to this very moment. You get to decide what you do with your history to change your present and future self. Don’t ever forget your power and strength to create the best possible life.

Mucho love!

m.a.p.

Gratitude in Clarity

I woke at midnight to no electricity. My phone had a message that the power company was working on the outage. I looked outside and smiled. I went back to bed. I know the trauma I have with winter and not feeling safe or warm. It comes up quickly. But I went back to bed.

I didn’t sleep much that night. I time traveled back and forth. I was trying to erase people from my life. I kept waking up and laughing. The reality seemed absurd but every time I closed my eyes I seemed to travel back to some other time and dimension.

I am who I am because of every person who came into my life. Who would I be if they didn’t exist? What would I had become? Would I miss what I never had? Would there be fragments of me that felt a great void? And how would life around me be lived? Each person was a stepping stone…would I have had different stones?

At 7am I observed the white purity of being covered by snow outside. Candles were burning. Shades laid open. Windows were clear of all distraction. I was too.

And then uneasiness started to set in. I allowed for it. I calmed myself down by reading old books.

There was no sound other than candles burning and children babbling. There was peace across the landscape. No cars. No nothing. Just clarity of silence and my most intimate thoughts.

But…after 36 hours of no electricity or water the ego begins to complain. Just a tad bit! It starts to create deep layers of sadness and remorse for living in a state that has these winters. I knew nothing of this before eight years ago. This year has been better. For the first few winters I was pretty much alone on a mountain. No money. A rundown motel. Two teenagers and the echo of uncertainty staring back at me each time I got snowed in.

I have patience. Lots of it. I began to dread winter. Each year that has grown. I fight against the Post traumatic events. I usually win.

Now every time I hear “snow storm coming” a part of my nervous system gets triggered. I can be prepared but the moment I feel the threat of no power or water…oh my…the ego reminds me of the past. And I enter a place of disregard. I start to feel something that doesn’t fit in my personality of today.

We now have power. As I write this it’s been three hours. The house is clean. Toilets are flushed. Kitchen is immaculate. Clothes is folded. Kids are napping in warm bedrooms. I sit next to my husband as I write. I stop and thank him for all he did to make me feel at peace. He knows me. I read several books by candlelight. I wrote. I loved on my tribe here. And I did a lot of meditating and praying. I did a lot of releasing and manifesting. I needed this detachment.

It’s that time of year that brings stuff up like wanting to erase the folks from the past. I cannot. I won’t. And I am happy that I can’t change anything because I am becoming the best version of me possible. It’s all there is. The snow has clarified that. I’m grateful. I feel the purity of the land healing me. My consciousness truly expands with every winter. I don’t have to hate it. I just need to be. For now. For however long it takes to continue healing me.

Letting Love Live

This morning I had a memory of the first time I was stung with uncensored and unconditional love. I’m sure I had hundreds, or perhaps thousands of moments, but that evening seemed to stand out loudly.

My husband and I had been dating for a few months. I spent the night at his place. We had made love and only a candle lit the room. He had fallen sleep on his stomach. I turned over and saw him. The light from the candle enhanced his back muscles. I gasped. He was beautiful. I looked at his bare back in pure delight. Tears formed and I allowed for their release. He was sound asleep. I became very aware that he was mine, for however long that would be, and he was lovely. Not just because of his body but his sense of humor. I was falling in love. I was falling into a known territory that felt remarkably unfamiliar to all others.

I traced my fingers on his back softly following the shadows. He woke and turned over to his side while I kept rubbing him with my nails. At some point I fell into a slumber wrapped by his arms. The next morning as I drove the hour and twenty minutes home, I kept thinking of that moment that allowed me to fall so profoundly that every cell in my body felt the expansion of love. I literally felt a huge break in my chest.

Then I started to freak out. I felt I was losing myself. How could I? I’ve done this dance many times before. I had given all of me for years and not been reciprocated but what amazing lessons I had learned. I regret not a one!

As I watched the stretch of mountains ahead my heart felt a tingle and a pull. I was safe to fall. I was safe to rise towards the delight of being me…my authentic self without censoring from a man. The sun was rising over the landscape and I knew I had permission from the heavens to just feel the love that was to grow. I remember this many years later. I remembered it this morning as I watched him sleep in his stomach bundled under warm blankets.

Driving over the mountains that morning I recalled twenty years before when I was dating a lovely man. After we made love I fell asleep in his arms. Sometime after that I woke to him watching me sleep and the blinds wide open. He said, “The moon looks beautiful on your back. It makes your freckles look like stars!” He meant every syllable of that sentiment.

I buried my head on the pillow in embarrassment. I had a hard time taking in any kind of compliment.

I had never been seen…Or so I felt. He saw me. And when he died a year later a part of me died with him. Now noticing my new lover and his divine essence naked in front of me I felt all the love in the world that had been given, shared and exchanged. I felt it intensified and released in my soul. It wasn’t just a physical or emotional connection. It was a spiritual one.

At midlife I was finally me without apologizing.

And I allowed for all that was to come. He was mine then. He continues to be mine now. It has taken a tremendous amount of work and dance to stay in that love but it’s been so worth it. Because that’s what marriage entails. We are on the other side of that mountain of uncertainty and doubts. We are led by stars and candlelight through the darkest of obstacles.

We are in it because of the raw vulnerability from one another. We show up not always in perfect lighting. It’s in the unmade beds, crazy sleepless nights with kids, messy days, hard obstacles, little moments and unconditional love without judgment. It’s real life naked and fully clothed behind closed doors. I’m blessed.

Coming Undone

I was next at the check out counter in the grocery store. A woman with three small items came up behind me and I immediately asked her to go before me. She thanked me and was a bit shocked.

“This would never happen where I’m from!” She said.

“Where are you from?” I asked.

“Florida.”

I told her I was from there too. I laughed. The cashier said she was from there as well. I told her it had nothing to do with where you are from. It had to do with conscious kindness. She had three things. I had many more. I don’t even think about it as location or origins. I don’t think. It’s hard enough waiting in line. It’s not a big deal.

She looked lost in her thoughts. She began to come undone while putting her credit card in the machine. She complained about the weather being too cold, just moving here to Asheville, coming to live with her mother, having to start all over again. In less than three minutes I knew her life. She was younger than me. She was beautiful in a broken way that my heart wanted to grab her and cuddle her through love and compassion. She was completed disheveled by the act of skipping over me. I asked her to stop for one minute and just be. I asked her to just be with the moment. I refrained from going too close to her. She said thank you, paid and left. My words triggered something deep and she just couldn’t be.

I was getting in my car when I saw her still struggling with herself two cars down from me. I told her to have a good evening. To be gentle with herself. Tears formed. She waved and got in her car.

She didn’t want to be seen. She resisted the humanity. She was so deep into her own world of disappointments that she couldn’t get herself comfortable with anyone, let alone my presence. She couldn’t accept. She was way down in too much pain to feel me holding a candle for her release from darkness.

It’s okay. It’s okay to not want to come undone in front of a stranger. But, I hope that you come undone in front of someone. I hope you accept kindness and love and acknowledgment from someone. I hope you have a someone for this. It’s hard to witness and even harder to feel the feels of it all.

And this is what the holidays seem to bring up for so many. They feel forced out of their comfort zone and have to pretend.

So don’t. Don’t do anything you feel goes against your beliefs or your stability. Stay in the now. And make zero excuses for how you feel.

I love you.

Just this Moment

There is an easy flow to this morning. The schools do not open till later due to the ice and cold weather. By this time I’m at work but today I sit across a playpen with a little boy eating his cereal and a little girl snuggled on the sofa watching her favorite cartoon. I never imagine my life at fifty like this.

I actually never imagined my life at fifty…at all. I didn’t think I would be here by then.

We have little deaths in our timelines. We get sick or completely reinvent ourselves. We move or stay or just wake up one day feeling different. It’s all magical and exactly how we intend it to become.

A million contracts are paid in our lives. Those contracts we designed before even incarnating. The lessons were created to expand our consciousness. The journey is up to us.

We hold the wheel. We maneuver ourselves to the next destination, watching carefully for mud slides or cracks on the road. The older we get the more aware we become…at least I hope that for everyone.

So this morning, all plans are out the door. I need to go see clients. They will wait for later. I need to be at a meeting which may be done through conference call. Everything is interchangeable, relatable and temporary. Right now I am exactly where I’m suppose to be.

I’m here watching the light hit the trees out back. I am watching the frost swirl with the wind in the porch. I am snuggled by one cat and another walking around wondering why we are still home.

The simplicity of life is in these moments. Things can change in an instance. And it’s okay. We breathe through it. We become grateful to the present. We are gifted these moments to take in what’s important and release what is not.

Right now it is me and my kiddos holding on to a few hours of free time.

Divine in You

The day will come when you won’t be looking for faith outside of you. When you stop looking for God in temples and religion. You will notice the Divine staring back from the reflection in the mirror. You will see it smiling at you in a homeless person or a loved one taking his last breath. You will find Source in your children as they laugh out loud. You will feel spirit in the kiss from your mate. You will finally recognize our connections and how important it is to be kind and compassionate to everyone. Even when they don’t accept it. You will find the silence and ability to walk away. This will be when you have reach the loving understanding of your purpose through unconditional love. I see you. I feel you. I know the God in you. And in me. I love you.