Our 3 y/o started daycare again today after a three month hiatus. He was as happy to see his school as I was in dropping him off to exhaust his energy. I came home with our 6 y/o to tear my house apart and deep clean it. In the midst of moving furniture and vacuuming I lost my emotions.
I don’t know where they came from. My oldest son and his girl will return home to New York tomorrow and the future emptiness engulfed me. I got him for three months. The first time in over ten years that we had that much quality time together.
So I stopped stripping the living room. I stopped picking up God-knows-how-old cereal from under the sofa. I stopped and allowed for my heart to stop racing.
Today is gloomy outside and inside of me. I thought I would be okay. But, I may not be. It will be a hard mama week. I will return to putting my business back out there. I will find some kind of stability. But the last three months have been (sigh) full of chaos and so many gifts.
I lost myself in the days. I lost myself in little ones. I lost myself in the yard. I lost myself in motherhood. I also found myself in all those things. I returned to a life of what I do best: mother all those around me.
I’m ready for the world to also find itself. For the peace to arrive. For the love to engulf us all. I recognize the shift and how it is well overdue. But, shit, it has been brutal! I recognize now that I have been battling deep state of sadness, perhaps a little bit of depression. Had I not had two little ones I am sure I would have lost myself way down the dark night of the soul.
We all need to be seen, felt, acknowledged and loved. We want to feel connections. And for me that has been the hardest part of the isolation…. Not being able to touch another has been a major test.
I have felt my tribe. I see the world now in a different light when I share openly. I have witnessed who is here and who is elsewhere. The division in our humanity has grown existentially.
I’m hoping the muck in collective consciousness is about finished with this cycle. It hasn’t just been the virus but the anger and hatred that has been unleashed in humanity. I pray we proceed with loving louder in order to heal. I’m ready for the next phase.
Sending love to you today. Be gentle as things are proceeding and evolving. Know your worth and your truth. Remember what you believe is yours but don’t try to push it on anyone else. Holding you from here energetically as I proceed with cleaning some weird stains that are unrecognizable from the carpet. Hugs.
It’s the 52nd day of staying-home-safe for me and my family. It’s actually a little longer but I’m counting from the actual day the county started the lockdown.
The first four weeks were super intense for me. Shit was coming up that I hadn’t a clue was still dwelling in me. It was truly an opening, the dark night of the soul, a heroes journey of sorts (even when I didn’t feel any heroism). My spiritual knowing went on shut-off and all I could do was be present with every single moment. Having two little ones demanding of me 24/7 was the biggest obstacle of all and not be able to take them out was an experiment in extremes.
I cried a lot. The world’s uncertainty was scary and I don’t get scared easily. There was a sense of major anxiety wrapped in panic. I felt helpless. I could no longer say “I don’t live in that reality.”
But, in spite of the emotional roller coaster ride, something happened around the fifth week. I was in the yard working and clearing bushes when it hit me: I had no time like this before to dedicate to our property. I also came to realize that I had been asking for this for a long time. I wanted time with the kids and be home to mend to my house. What I never imagined was that people out there would be dying. People all over the world were hurting.
I stopped watching the news around that time. I couldn’t deal with what was happening and the guilt of being safely at home with my sweethearts.
Every time I heard or saw the word “quarantine” I was triggered. I couldn’t understand or remember why until one day doing strenuous clearing of trees I understood.
In April of 1998 I adopted my first little girl from Romania. She came sick with a chaparon from the adoption agency. They said she had a cold. She was two years old and so malnourished. That first month she slept with me holding my hand. She wouldn’t let me go in fear she would be sent back to a horrific orphanage. One morning I woke and I was almost blind. I could barely get up. I felt feverish and aching all over. I called my mother who lived nearby to please take the kids to school and my little girl to daycare. When my mother took my temperature it was 105. She rushed me to the hospital. I was blacking out. Walking into the hospital I passed out and I have very little recollection of the first few days there.
I was placed on quarantine for over a week and a half. No visitors. I couldn’t see my baby girl or my two sons. They tested me for everything and couldn’t give me any medication but Tylenol because CDC couldn’t find what was wrong with me. I had doctors baffled. They assumed that my daughter carried something with her from Transylvania. I was touching heaven’s gate often almost in comatose state at times. The fever would spike and they had to wait until then to run their tests. Eventually after every test, poking, pricking, stabbing, and scans the infectious illness took its toll. I was fortunate. Almost two weeks later, on Memorial Day weekend, I walked out of the hospital with a diagnosed of “AB Mountain Fever.” But even that didn’t explain all the symptoms. Until CDC could give the okay I wasn’t able to just go. They kept a close eye on me for another six months.
THAT was quarantine. Real hellish seclusion. People coming into a room with suits on and I was unable to see and feel them clearly. So when I hear the word “quarantine” now I don’t see it as what this has been. This lockdown has been about clearing up ourselves and staying safe to help others. It has been in place to allow an infectious disease to slow down.
I was 30 years old. I was told that my heart took a beating during all the symptoms. I already had a mild heart condition. So I am super conscious of how I show up in the world at this time. I don’t believe there is anything I can’t overcome until it’s my time to truly leave this journey. But, by God, if I can do my part to stay healthy for my kiddos I will. If it means wearing a mask, staying put in my house, lifting others in love and humor, holding sacred space for me and the world….well you betcha I will do it.
I have replayed that May of 1998 so many times. I have let go of so much anger for many issues that showed up while I was laying in a hospital bed and unable to take care of matters in the world. Little did I know that April of 2020 would relive so many of the same emotions. And just like that in pulling roots out of my yard I was also pulling roots of hurt from long ago.
We have been gifted a lot at this time. And yes, a lot of grief and sorrow and atrocities. We have in our hands the ability to save ourselves and heal. The quarantine has brought about anger and rage; sadness and despair; hate and insanity. It has also allowed many to stay put and work on their own dark night of the soul. The entire world is doing it. It’s a global opportunity to raise our vibrations and work on our loving muscle to be forgiving, accept others even when they think or act differently, and acknowledge that ultimately compassion is what we need in our world.
I can’t change your mind. I won’t even try or dare. This is my journey. You have to figure out how you show up during this time. Our lives will never go back to what was before this March. But, darlings, I ask that you let go of the anger in whatever you are practicing. Let go of hatred. Let go of that need to bulldoze over everything just to make your point. That will never ever help cure anything. It only decreases the ability to allow love and compassion in our world.
My son and I were working outside in the yard yesterday evening. He’s axing away at a tree. I’m clearing a heavily dense area into what will be a secret garden. I’m tired and sweaty.
The silence breaks with him, “Mom, you are doing an amazing job with my sister’s kids. You are raising them to be loving and healthy children.”
“Baby, where is this coming from?” I asked because it took me by surprise.
“You have to wait for them to go to bed in order to come out here and work on what you love to do which is nature. You sacrifice a little bit of you to help them survive. They are constant. They don’t give you a chance to breathe during the day (he giggles). I know this is not what you had in mind at this time of your life when we were all gone….”
I interrupt and stop pulling at the earth. Breathing heavily, I sit on the ground next to him feeling defeated. “Nelson, I truly don’t think I’m doing the best job for them or for me. Your sister was hard because of all her mental issues. They have so much of her running through their blood. I’m not the same woman I was then or have the same amount of energy….”
“You are better.” He stops clearing the tree and sits next to me, “You are giving them life. They would be dead with her. You and Matt have created a foundation and loving home. And you always say that love is all we need. They are a LOT. I admit that it’s overwhelming at times but they truly love you so much. They are smart and they are constantly challenging you and the world around them.”
He hugs me. I shed a few tears. Mostly of gratitude for recognition.
That was the pause needed to just finish for the day. It was getting dark. My body ached but I felt great to have done so much with his help in a couple of hours.
This second act at mothering children is different. It’s conscious parenting. It’s a lot harder than before. It’s also a lot easier than before. These children are thriving and I have zero expectations for them except that they feel loved. I’m trusting they continue to find the magic in the world and give love to it.
And that they are.
When my 31 year old recognizes the journey it does make it special. He’s been here five weeks…the longest time he’s spent with them. We spoke a bit more. He was kind and loving and full of insight. The adult in him acknowledges the adult in me.
Walking back to the house the earth seemed to sink us into it with gratitude for tending to her on Earth Day. At that moment I thanked the greatest mother of all…Gaia…and all the lessons she teaches me.
Fifth week of quarantine has taught me a lot. I am not the same person who entered this crisis.
At first there was release. Old traumas triggered and healed. There was so much old hurt that showed up and I didn’t even process why until weeks later.
Then came anger, disappointments and short fuse syndrome over everything. Denial and acceptance showed up a lot. Sadness would follow with grace. I cried a lot. I was in a fog. It was not pretty to feel it all and be in the midst of darkness. Forgiveness was the mother experience in all of it. It actually lifted the fog.
Every emotion has been deeply felt the last few weeks. I became spiritually detached. It rattled the core of me. I somehow had disconnected from Source and couldn’t get back to my center. Then last week it stopped. It all came full circle. I felt my heart cracking open and accepting. I understood what I didn’t understand. I know not to know anything and it is okay. I accept this being this at this moment in time.
There is something to all of it on a huge cosmic level. My dreams aren’t dreams but incredible travels elsewhere. And I marvel at the opportunity to bring back lessons from other lifetimes. When I close my eyes at night I get to go and come back with deep peace and awareness.
But, I also know that as weeks go by the collective will be in a lot of turmoil. There is heaviness in the world. There is sadness and anger. Every person is undergoing their own growth. There is a rainbow of shitty emotions going on that weigh each of us down. There is no pot of gold ahead for many. Folks ask what I asked in the beginning, “What the hell is my purpose now?”
Our purpose is to rise up and join a higher frequency. We can’t fight dark forces with darkness. We must light the path and lift the fog.
I’ve decided to shift my perception and mindfully return to love every single time I get into that head space. I don’t have to know about tomorrow. I only need to be here now.
My home is sacred. My family is too. I am willing to participate in this giant awakening experiment because obviously I chose this time in history to be here. I will not be shaken by what I read or see or hear. I understand that love is the vehicle, for me, at this time.
How are you feeling after all these weeks? What are you learning?
Without busyness a lot of our shadow self emerges. Things we’ve not dealt with come up and out. They get magnified. We are confined with others who are also experiencing their own shi(f)t.
I am sure there will be many separations and divorces when we return to our previous lifelines. There will be many who may find themselves picking up a vice (or two) in order to suppress the event. There may be abuse involved and lots of low vibrational challenges ahead.
Take a breather. Return to this memory. Step back from it all. Recognize truth. You will be triggered by your partner, kids, parents, friends, neighbors and the media. You will be rubbed and irritated by the confinement and the lack of routine. You may even fantasize of how different your life will be once you have your previous life back.
That other life will now be completely different. You will question your purpose here. You may be dreaming of how to reinvent yourself professionally. You will also recognize that simplicity is your new reality. You didn’t need all the heavy distractions.
This is your life. There is no returning to that other one because your experiences now are forcing a split in timelines. You will never be the same.
Deal with the dark side of your personality. It’s time to ascend and in order to do so you can no longer put that side of you on hold. You can no longer neglect healing it.
The struggle is real. You will emerge through a complete metamorphosis. It isn’t pretty. It is definitely uncomfortable. But… sigh … I feel you will choose the best outcome for you and your family.
Be safe. Heal the past and work on releasing it. Forgive yourself. Forgive others. That irritation creates a crack that is allowing light to enter.
We will never be the same when this global event is finished.
The normal we lived was not normal. It was imbalanced and toxic. We worked to survive the rat race. We forgot how to cherish the simple ways of life. We lost our faith and human dignity as we gave away our worth to others who misused our trust.
When this is over we will see the world so differently. We will talk about our lives as B.V. (before the virus) and A.V. (after the virus). It will become the marker of all our experiences…of a human evolution and spiritual transformation.
We will talk about how we saved the lives of billions by staying indoors. And how we came together as a community. We will share how we connected with others through the internet and became friends with strangers.
We will share about the jobs that were lost, money that crumbled and hearts that broke during the pandemic. And how we became stronger because of the lessons while rebuilding our lives in healthy ways.
We will be grateful for the medical staff, the truckers, those who deliver food and supplies, the teachers and all others who were out there putting their lives at risk on a daily basis.
We will talk about countries and how we all came together when it was over while erasing all boundaries. Hate didn’t win. Love lifted us to a whole new level of consciousness.
We will have moved inward instead of outward in a world led by materialism. We will have evolved our spiritual gifts to help so many. Healers and lightworkers will have been in the front line of the metamorphosis. The world became lighter in ways that “normal” never experienced beforehand.
We will have raised the frequency of our planet through joy and compassion. Acceptance, awareness and altruism will become a way of life across all of human lives.
We will be mindful of how we felt being home with our loved ones. How we became more creative and finished all the projects we had on hold. How our homes never looked cleaner and cozier. We filled our little lives with gratitude for what we had.
Our lives will never be the same and it’s a good thing. We will come out of this as a new world. A grateful world. A world with less hate and more love. An earth that will have rested from all we have done to her.
Normal wasn’t working for us. The new normal will be absolutely beautiful. I am holding on to this with the deep knowing that it was well overdue.
The Sacredness of Holding Space During these Moments…
Holding space for someone during these times is a privilege. It is about walking along their side without judgment, not making them feel inadequate and allowing their essence to feel free to just be. We are all on an emotional rollercoaster even if we are all about faith, love and light. We are still human and our emotional bodies do get affected.
These times are offering the opportunity for unconditional support with patience and sacredness that does not always come easy. But, we are learning. We will be learning many powerful lessons together.
Whether or not you feel anxiety and fear it is still very real for many. Your job is to stay open with an open heart. We will find that holding space is truly the only thing we can do for another while recognizing the frailty of life and all we take for granted. Compassion and kindness; altruism and acceptance; unconditional love and mindfulness should be on top of our lists.
The act of holding sacred space is important in all relationships, especially now. We are in need of these sanctified moments that express in silence to another, “I am here for you. There is nothing to do. I see you. I feel you. I hear you. I acknowledge your life.”
Holding space is about being present without distractions and allowing another to feel Divinity through the eyes of your love.
What incredible moments are being presented for us to love and respect each other! We are all under the same experience. This virus doesn’t care about race, gender, religious beliefs, political agenda, or anything else that discriminates us. We are to hold each other in pure sacredness and acceptance without judgment for how we show up through it all.
I love you. You are not alone and I will continue to remind you.
You are one freaking miracle consisting of millions of cells that exploded to create a universe in you. You are a world alone bumping and connecting with other worlds. Not for one moment think that your world is insignificant. You have been programmed to believe that you are small but you’re huge. You are infinite. You will continue to live even after you are no longer in this incarnation.
And guess what you are here to do?
You are here to love and learn and love some more. You are here to experience all aspects of humanness. This is not a test. It’s not suppose to be a gigantic struggle. You are suppose to rise and help create for others.
Every single event, challenge and obstacle is here to expand your consciousness. You are here to touch hearts and teach what compassion is. You get to do that through your examples and power. Do not give your power to another. Do not hand your magic to anyone. It’s yours! You hold on to it and make this world a better place. We are now remembering why we came. And it’s all about love, connections, forgiveness, expansion and grace. I love you.
Our souls are driven by basic genetic needs: the sense of survival, the power of love, acquiring freedom through peace, acceptance for our existence, and enjoying ourselves in the process. When in doubt always choose happiness. Allow yourself to live in the core of joy. You are your thoughts. Return to the basic needs of your spirit. It occurs to me that being hurt, living inside of a past bubble of regrets, causes a shut-off valve in your heart. It depletes the rest of the body and emotions to flow easily.
One drop of kindness, forgiveness, and letting go creates an ocean. The ripple effect is a tsunami of love. Returning to our basic needs time and time again is powerful. It is liberating. The same way we create our own demons, we can choose to create mystical wonders.
Awareness of what we desire is stronger when we aren’t in alignment with how we are living. Not fulfilling something allows the “what if’s” to obsess the very core of our spirit. What stops us from reaching out to the stars of desires and wishes? Fear! Fear of the unknown. Fear of past traumas repeating themselves. Fear of having too much fun and not being responsible. Fear of worthlessness. Fear of not deserving the unlimited love from the universe. Fear stumps our spiritual evolution.
This morning I woke to the sound of my cat purring next to my ear. She kept nudging her head towards mine. She wanted nothing but to be loved. She expected nothing less than a cuddle and embrace. She just wanted to enjoy the moment of my hands touching her fur and scratching her ears. She’s not afraid of what the day will bring to her. She picks a spot near the sunlight by a window and plops herself to comfort. That’s her life. She goes out in the yard, does her cat things, enters the house with the only thing available to her…safety and love.
Just like the cat, I remind myself to return to the basic genetic needs. When anxiety knocks at the door of my spirit I remember that I have no control of anything. I am just like the cat wanting to be loved, enjoying the process, and finding peace somewhere in this existence. After all, love is all that we need to co-exist. Joy is the way to open it up in others. Make a point to return to your truth time and time again. That intuition poking at you is Spirit calling you home through divine wisdom. Follow it every time!
On this week of gratitude may we come together in Spirit. I am always searching for the stories within the stories…in strangers and friends; in family and folks we meet daily. I Search for The Divine in simplicity. I feel it in a touch, a hug, a kiss…and an intimate glance across the room. I hear it in long belly laughs. I smell it in the sweetness of the earth. I taste it on so many levels when a loved one cooks for me.
I have faith in humanity. Don’t you? Don’t you see it on a daily basis in the miracles of life? Don’t you feel it in the shift of the collective as it evolves into love?
The day will come when you won’t be looking for faith and grace outside of you. It’s happening now. You aren’t looking for God in temples and religion. You notice the Divine staring back from the reflection in the mirror. You see it smiling at you in a homeless person or a loved one taking his last breath. You find Source in your children as they laugh out loud. You feel Spirit in the kiss from your mate. You finally recognize our connections and how important it is to be kind and compassionate to everyone. Even when they don’t accept it but on a higher level they are taking it in.
You find the silence and the ability to walk away from pain or walk towards the things you desire. This is how aware you are that you have reached the loving understanding of your purpose through unconditional love. This is how you’ve found you in the vastness of Spirit.
I give thanks for you. The blessing of you walking alongside me on this journey. Thank you.
I see you. I feel you. I know the God in you. And in me. I love you.
(The photo was taken this morning as I was writing this post).
Moments with Millie 