Box Fan Murmurs

Sleep eludes me

And I begin to

Retrace memories,

Tasting the experiences,

Painting different outcomes,

Waiting for the light of day.

The box fan murmurs,

Playing the soundtrack,

Making melodies

For my mental album.

A 5-year-old shares my pillow.

Arms over my neck,

Legs thrown over me,

Soft snores and mumbles,

And the sweet smell

Of an innocent new life.

Where would I be

Without the presence of

These little ones

Loving me,

Holding me,

Healing me?

I toss every so often

Finding comfort in the now.

I trace over the past

Weaving it to all that is,

All that I’ve become as

The box fan murmurs…

“Let God. Let it go.”

I hear the melodies in the room.

The sounds of ancestral chatter,

Each whispering through

The cycling of the fan.

Life happens in this second,

During sleepless nights

As murmurs echo round and round.

Millie America 5/2022

My sweet baby boy passed out… I wish I was sleeping as peacefully as him.

Gratitude

My husband and I are blessed with a child who doesn’t sleep. Nights like this last one, when we get maybe two hours, I am grateful for the sleepless moments. This little girl teaches us patience, understanding, how to dilute anger in a constructive manner, how not stop liking someone you love with all your heart….and so much more. She’s Yoda in the nighttime world.

It happens less and less these days! However, when she has one of these nights I remind myself (and my hubby) how blessed we are for them.

Let’s face it…without a sleepless night you cannot relish and appreciate a great night of sleep. It’s an opportunity to go through a pack of sage, creating dreams (including a separate house with a nanny), and truly utilizing my psychology degree to its fullest. It is 10 + hours of using the imagination to the best of your abilities. It’s a championship for parents. What a blessing it is to endure such precious lessons.

So when things don’t go as you plan shift your perspective because there is always something good in every struggle. It makes you a badass. It might make you exhausted but it will make you appreciate other moments fully!

Have a blessed day. I am grateful for a delicious morning and so happy to be going to work. Like really!!!

Your Eye from Heaven

The moon peeks through the window —

one eye opened to the world.

I close mine, put a thumb over the light

and it disappears as I think of you

on the other side of the Universe

doing exactly the same, smiling

at my childlike gestures.

I switch hands,

winking quickly,

blocking the light with me,

manipulating it to go left,

right and back to you

pretending to play ping-pong

through the cosmos.

I caress the left side of the bed,

white sheets illuminating the emptiness

as bright as the moon.

Where would we be on such a night

if we could magically reunite

through this place and there?

Would you be here or, I,

on the other side of wonderland?

I open both eyes,

focus on the shadows of trees,

the wind blowing gently,

water dancing to the

twinkles of midnight diamonds.

I miss you in my lack of sleep,

the energy from gravitational pull,

the anxiety from dead memories,

but thoughts pour out

through carefully chosen tears

radiating from Eternity,

masquerading as your touch

on my hands and cheeks.

Every month I search for you

while following the giant eye

in the night sky.

Every so often clouds form closure

and I find you winking from that

other place you now call home.

3 A.M.

moon

I hear heartbeats pounding on the bed,

against the floor,

through a thousand pillows separating

the cold from body warmth.

I hear you dreaming,

completing yet another concrete brick

somewhere in that analytical brain full of puzzles.

I hear the wind shifting,

swirling erratically through leaves, chimes, and

the water hitting the shore against the land.

I hear my brain shifting through consciousness

trying to make sense of things

that at 3 AM I cannot fix.

I hear my cells duplicating, expanding,

moving though the ocean of water inside.

I hear love entering from afar,

snoring in another dimension,

wishing I was there to witness the entrance

to life without judgment before and after birth.

I hear the whispering of the walls,

ancestors from here and there,

the universe, and my guides

while I can’t make sense of the voices

I sit quietly anticipating an answer

to all those things that in waking hours

do not ask questions.

But, through the witching hours

the noises of the galaxies all join forces

in our room…

while all I can do is reach out to you

to find support, grounding, and love.

Two Important Questions

questions

At the end of the day there are two questions I ask myself: Did I learn everything I could from that situation? Did I love to the best of my capacity and ability today in spite of the circumstances?  Sometimes the answer is yes to both questions.  Sometimes it is a yes and a no.  Other times, with much guilt and embarrassment, the answer is “no” to both. But I am trying to get a grasp of this thing called “Being Human.”  I didn’t read the manual before arriving here on earth.  I’ve never been too sharp at taking tests.  I don’t really retain much in my cerebral cortex either.  So, had I read the manual I probably wouldn’t remember much of anything, except that the lessons require a lifetime of learning.  This thing of being a human has an array of trickiness to it.  Things sometimes just don’t make sense at all.  There are a million senseless acts performed each day all over the place.  We are being tested through every avenue: our relationships, our children, neighbors, family, friends, co-workers, strangers and the entire world.  Even nature throws a curve ball at times.

Last night I tossed and turned while the clock waited for no one.  It didn’t just stop so I could catch up…the hours went quickly and before I knew it sunrise was sneaking through the windows.  I meditated, I read, I wrote, and I tried several times to close my eyes and just be in the moment.  Being in the moment didn’t help.  I kept recalling the past two events in the news with Michael Brown in Ferguson while Eric Garner’s words echoed, “I can’t breathe” in my heart.  As much as I remain neutral through world news, politics and other mayhem I can’t help but question so many of my own choices and past decisions. With a heavy heart I allowed my higher self to answer those questions that I cannot comprehend. Humanity is shifting and there’s a wide division in its separation.   It’s an ongoing battle that seems to bring even more questions in to our existence.

I return to my own awareness admitting that I have truly loved deeply.  I have done the best I have known at the time.  This is my ego being human rather than spiritual.  When we start going back there is a monster that will always appear with regrets, shame, and guilt.   And, it is usually in the middle of the night when there’s no one to talk to, to reach out to, other than God and all the stars.

Our humanity is being tested each and every day.  I witness it constantly.  It’s as if this time acceleration has affected the very core of our belief and faith.  Why?  I don’t know.  That’s not one of those questions I ask myself every day.   I can’t.  I don’t want to go into the monstrous events of our world.  I try to live in a happy bubble.  When the bubble gets poked and emptied out I feel the depression creeping in like poison.  I cannot hold my heart in place.   I go to a place of darkness and anger.   Last night I witnessed it with such intensity.  I wish I could remember one single event from it but once daylight reached my face it was erased.

I am learning from every situation, even the events that are not directly in my path because everything that happens in our world, in our lives, is connected to one another.  The distance between us is shorter than we think.  What happens in your thoughts and consciousness is affected into the way you treat another.  It becomes part of the ripple effect.  I see it when a hurt or negative guest comes into my office.  Their demeanor affects me.  They leave the stagnant energy behind.  Now imagine this in a mass conscious level with millions of people.  It becomes war.  It becomes hatred, bigotry, and death.  We are all fighting a war with our egos.  How we express it to the world determines how we love and find peace with each other.

I have to be more mindful to be able to answer those two questions with “yeses” every day.  I cannot get sloppy with working through the difficult times.  I must love fully, even during the most challenging moments of my relationships.  I must learn to experience things even when they hurt, when they feel uncomfortable, and when they point back to me that I have screwed up (yet one more freaking time).  Ego loves to twist and turn those moments.  Ego teases me, “You suck at this humanity thing!”

As we go into this holiday season, I pray that we can consciously come together in peace.  I send my loving thoughts and prayers to the universe in hopes that I can find the positive answers to those questions that don’t have answers as well.  I wish you all love, compassion, kindness, joy, and the awareness that we are all in this together.  It starts and ends with our connections and the choices we make while answering a divine purpose for our existence.   Healing doesn’t begin to happen until we become aware of our lack of control.

Much love and light to all!  We are all here for one another in one form or another.

Tornado

tornado

The night’s silence

was deafening

forcing thoughts to

travel into uncharted

corners of my mind.

I journeyed from here to there,

what if’s, when not, what to, where at,

in a lunatic chaotic frenzy.

The wind picked up slightly

inside,

outside,

and I felt the tornado of emotions

whisking through the body.

This is not me in waking hours;

this is not who I am.

I allowed the rhythmically

loving breath to guide me

into calming waters,

and then just like that…

I was asleep again

in the places where fairies run free.

Traveling Memories

I lay scanning

through the hard drive

of memories

to find a moment

immersed in the bliss of love.

I don’t know why tonight

I’ve chosen to go

down this Memory Lane

when there are

other streets,

boulevards,

and ways

with far better photographs

in the corner of my mind.

 

I hear the sounds

of summer night:

crickets, bull frogs,

cicadas,

cascades of water

falling into the pond.

 

Sleep got lost down the parkway

and I can no longer

fight with the pillows,

the blanket, a cold bed,

for comfort

while choosing to ignore

the thoughts arriving quickly.

 

I lay trying to find

the rhythm of night

breathing the tight humid air

of the room

imagining and reliving,

changing and adding,

to the stories from long ago.

 

There is loss

in my timeline

that never coincides

with some major events.

The memories replay

movies of youth,

sadness and joy,

antagonists and heroes.

I smile at the darkness

as I journey back

through the lighted path

of Memory Lane –

returning to this place

where life is sweeter;

where peace puts the pieces of me

in perfect order.

 

I close my eyes

to.

find.

sleep.

at last.

in Destiny Way….

Insomniac Partner

You were on me
without touching
as I tossed and turned
to find comfort.
I could hear you sigh,
moan,
groan in desperation
for slumber as well.
I laid there thinking,
my brain twisting and turning
with moving pictures of the past.
I hate nights like this.
I count the cars passing,
the leaves shuffling,
pine cones falling in the water,
the wind wrestling with the screens.
Every so often I feel your rub
of skin trying to find a nook
to settle for the night,
nestling deeper into the hours.
I found a piece of heaven
wrapped behind you
as your heat warmed me
with no conditions.
I stayed there until I, too, left
the silent world of insomnia.
What have I done
to deserve you
as we join
in this dance of life?