On Friday morning I got to work super early. We had a giant mess to put back together because of moving. At around 6:30AM I loaded up three drawers of a huge file cabinet, when I sat to fill the bottom drawer, the file cabinet collapsed on my back, pinning me to the floor on my stomach. I began to laugh. It was a nervous laugh that happens when I know I am stuck in a bind. I knew no one would be in for several hours. I laid there thinking, “Okay, this is not a fun way to go…someone will find me along with messy bodily fluids.” I could imagine the jokes that would come from how Millie passed on! I began to laugh harder, at which time, I couldn’t get my strength because I just felt so silly. Then, of course, a little bit of panic started to creep into my thoughts. “Like, oh my God, this is no way to go. How long before I stop breathing? And, shit, I shouldn’t have had all that coffee cause I have to pee.”
Suddenly, I heard a clear voice, that voice that comes from the cosmos with no accent and complete assurance, “Listen! Get a new soul.” Then I thought, “Oh well, here we go again. I am about to die and get another soul. Nope, I won’t come back! I am done! I ain’t having it. I am not coming back to this earthly thingy called life. Hell, no…this is it.” I am actually whispering this back out loud. Again, the voice, said, “Listen! You will have a new soul.”
After some heavy breathing, jiggling, and strength that came from I don’t know where, I was able to get out from under the cabinet and actually stand it up. I recognized then that the floor was really uneven, and had I actually paid attention, nothing would have happened to me. But, then I wouldn’t have been guided by the magical voices…because it takes all of me to be pinned and shut down in order to really listen to guidance. I have to be put into a difficult health situation in order to listen to the Universe.
Miraculously, other than a scratch on my arm, I had no bruising or broke anything. I say that because it was a miracle. I worked the rest of the day, still thinking about the voice. But, I got busy and forgot about it until 2AM Saturday morning. It was then that I recognized that maybe I did need a new soul. Maybe it was time to go see what a new soul would cost me. The maybe became quite a certainty!
I haven’t had my own car in years. My husband and I have been sharing one. I got up Saturday morning, dressed our little girl, and drove to the Kia dealership. It was 9AM and 11 men (I counted them cause it’s very intimidating to see who will attack first) were standing waiting in a sea of sharks. I made eye contact with the oldest one I could find. I knew he would listen to me. We introduced ourselves. I told him what I wanted: “I want a Kia Soul not older than 2 years old, with the least mileage and will pay X amount!”
He proceeded to try and sell me another car. I once again, looked into his eyes, and said, “Let’s start all over again. My name is Millie, I am here to buy a Soul….I am not interested in anything else.” He listened. He explained that with what I wanted it would be difficult to find something in that lot. I laughed. I told him I would be leaving with a Soul, whether it was in his dealership or another, and that I believed that if he checked in his computer there was one car that fit all my needs. “It will be a miracle,” he said to me.
I answered, “Well, I hope you believe in them, cause I am driving a new soul out of here today.”
Now, you can imagine the rest of the story. This is not my first rodeo. I have bought many cars. It’s a game of pull and push for me which I truly enjoy with zest. It’s a game I actually play very well. I might not be good at many things, but buying a house or a car are on top of my talents. The manager came to talk to me, trying to intimidate me, to which I kindly answered, “Darling, you aren’t doing me a favor by selling me a car. I am doing YOU a favor by buying one here. You have a lot of 2015 sitting out there. You need to move them. Here is a list of all the other dealerships with the car I need.” That made him go back and forth a few times. They, miraculously, met all my needs and beyond. The little old man was shocked and shared that he had never seen anything like what he experienced. He began to share about losing faith. He told me a very personal story, eyes watering, and told me that I had made a believer out of him. He just couldn’t understand why he had lost his way. His story is one of many we hear everyday about financial struggles, losing everything, addiction, and so much more. I am always surprised at the things total strangers share with me. Almost like a confessional before they die. It’s astonishing. But, a miracle did appear that day. He saw it because to all effects, there was no way in hell anyone should have sold me a car without money, and a not so great credit, and with the amount that I told them. I told him that the logistics didn’t matter to me because I knew I would have a soul to drive home in.
When the Divine speaks at times it is humorous. You can either take it literally or figurative. I have learned to stand back and allow Spirit to guide me. Whether it’s a new soul or not…it’s pretty amazing the way that things unravel if you just take time to listen and follow the magic because your Higher Self is always watching out for you!
Having a rare day while being in a state of complete presence. It’s a day off for me. I am here but I am not. I have lifted myself through something odd and divinely lovely several times today while driving down the mountain, then sitting by the creek staring at the water with a friend, talking about things of the past and realizing the rawness of life. There has been frailty today. There has been huge awareness. There has been an exhaustion of humanness holding things in and then allowing to fly away with the wind. Complexity has been engulfed by simplicity. The slowing down and just sitting has allowed for clarity.
We move through cycles of what was and what is. And, somewhere in between lies the illusion that these things make us whole and become our stories. Your story might be raw and full of pain, or it might consist of happiness and delightful moments. You have been embraced by love and lovers (past and present), but in the end it is this very second that glues us together. You have lost a loved one to death or just the ending of a relationship and it hurts like hell but you are still here surfing the ebb of deep waters.
This is Sacred Presence.
This is a raw and vulnerable ability to stay here and share while connecting to another by saying, “I am here for you. You are not alone. I understand. I have experienced something similar. Or, I haven’t and it is beautiful how you are moving with grace, strength and faith.”
Yes, these are the moments that make us whole through the veil of life. These are the uneventful days that move through us in the subconscious with changes and growth. We don’t know it but there’s a shift inside. We can’t look back and know when it happened but it’s there. These non-judgmental days of self awareness are huge mile markers.
Keep searching for your truth. It isn’t always pretty or perfect or without some hurt…but it is your truth. These are the things that have created your humanness to continue expanding in our world. The conscious shift in knowing and acceptance is evolving within you always. And how MARVELOUS you are, darling! Go be all that greatness you are meant to be!!!! Mucho love.
When I started this blog, Moments With Millie, I never imagined that a few short years later I would have the amount of love and support from so many people. I never saw my writing as anything but a means to detach from all that was going on in my journey here on earth. My life has changed drastically. At the time I was co-owner of a small retreat center/motel snuggled in the mountains of Western North Carolina. I am no longer managing that beautiful place. During the past few years I was gifted a husband and a baby girl, adding her to the other six children who call me “Mom.” Change is magical and it’s constantly evolving and teaching me to grow spiritually, emotionally and physically. It was time to give my page the face lift it deserved with all that has been emerging in my wonderful mystical journey.
There is more to come. I feel giddy with each shift and creation in the expansion of awareness in my travels here. There is a consistent evolution of soul through faith, grace, belief, and enchanting occurrences that appear when I let go of fear, anxiety and expectations. Freedom arrives and it’s non-descriptive. It’s all about trusting my authentic power. Everything I thought I knew is now null and void. I am starting from scratch walking on intuition and Source.
So…please grab a chair, sit and dive into my humor, stories, lessons, and magnificent experiences that make us all human. You are not alone in your own lessons. Thank you for stopping by and for the continuous support from all over the world. Good times ahead!
Settling seems to be a substantial form of acceptance. We settle into an un-fulfilling job. We accept and settle for a mate even though it is not a relationship that sustains us. We settle into circumstances and stories. Since children we are somehow taught that once a decision is made the outcome is all there is, so we need to settle.
I remember hearing all the time as a child “settle down.” If I questioned something I needed to “backup and settle down.” If I got into an abusive friendship or relationship others would say, “Isn’t that what you settled for? Deal with it. You play, you pay.” Standing back now I realize that the word “settling” is negative. At least it is for me. It is a synonym for adjusting, conforming and concluding something that is not authentic to my spirit.
I don’t want to just settle. I want to make mistakes, move on and chose my life. Settling seems so final. It feels like an emotional death. Why settle? I refuse to just colonize with one particular thing. Even when I began dating my boyfriend I put it out to the universe that it was a one-time shot. We would go out and see what happened. I wasn’t going to just settle into anything unless it enhanced the best of me. In all of my past relationships I just settled. I figured it was all that I deserved. I know what my soul yearns. It is in moments that I ignore the inkling that “settling” seems to be the only thing paralyzing me to do. And now seven months later I know we haven’t settled. We are moving together and expanding in every form of contentment. No two moments are alike. We each have our own goals and desires but we can walk the path together without judgment.
As parents, lovers, friends, and professionals we get comfortable and squat into our roles. I have to ask myself now, what are these roles? There is also the positive side of the phrase, “settling down” that seems to stem from the idea that we should not be alone. “So-and-so got married and finally settled down.” I have heard this so many times. I often think, did that person just settle into a relationship in order to not be alone? Or did that person finally find someone they wanted to build a healthy relationship with? Is that person able to bring out the best qualities in them? Is that person moving towards similar goals while sharing a path? Settling down seems like a bunch of hogwash of pressure from a social interaction.
I recently met a woman who stayed in our retreat center. She came to get married in a barn. Her story fascinated me. She and her husband met in high school. She went off and traveled the world. He got married and had a family. He got divorced many years ago. For the past 10 years he went to every high school reunion hoping to see her. She never went to a single one of them. She was too busy enjoying a life of adventure. Finally she went to one last year. They saw each other, picked off where they left off as teenagers, and now a year later got married on a barn on top of a mountain. They are in their late fifties. She said, “I wasn’t willing to settle down. I wasn’t going to just settle for anything. Life is too short.” Those words pierced something in me about how I feel about settling. When she was ready she finally explored the options to accept a mate into her life. No one believed she would ever get married. It has been most shocking to her. But, in the midst of that shock she found true love. She is ready to share, not settle, and keep having amazing adventures with a companion. And, this to me is what embraces a life full of truth and wonder. Settling…yeah…that’s for those whose imagination is closed and unwilling to take risks. I want to journey into the unknown and back rather than sit and wait for something better to come my way. After all the pilgrimage is the best part.
“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little.” – Thomas Merton
My nephew (his father and I have been friends since we were 11 years old. He’s my brother from another mother) sat at the breakfast table yesterday. I asked, “Christian, what do you want for breakfast?”
“Soup. I want soup!” He answered loudly while fidgeting on the chair.
“What kind of soup do you want, baby?”
“The wet kind,” He answered as a matter-of-fact.
Well, of course, I thought. What other kind would there be? At 3-1/2 years old he knows what he wants and how he wants it. Most children at that age have very little filtering system. As children we think more concretely. It is somewhere in between eight and eighty that we lose the finesse of being honest about what we want and how we want it. A lot of times we have no clue of what we really want.
Reading a book called Soulshaping by Jeff Brown some time ago, I came upon a sentence: “Never confuse conscious effortlessness with conscious laziness.” Just that sentence brought up a huge amount of questions inside of me. I began to think, “how do you know what you want if you don’t know who you are?” Confusing our conscious wants without realizing the conscious consequences is a mistake we all make. And out of pure laziness we expect our wants to materialize and fix everything. Our identity morphs into our surroundings, environments and deviate from our truth.
It is always difficult to battle with resistance from our human perspective. Our ego’s main job is to make certain that we continue to fight. What we want is not always what completes us. We seem to depart from our original wants and then blame the universe for not getting what we think we deserve. Somewhere, somehow, in our busy lives we have detoured from the simplicity of our plans. We make excuses but not follow through. We expect, with arrogance, that the world owes us things. The truth is that until we can reach the essence of our identity we cannot know what we want. Whether it is soup, a family, a car, or peace, we cannot reach what we do not know.
These are the nuts and bolts of living a life in separation versus unity. Our wants can’t be met if we don’t know who we are. We don’t sit long enough to take accounting of our desires. We think that needs are the same as our wants. What we need and what we want are in constant battle with our Spirit. God speaks through our strengths the most compelling way. We spend our lives not feeling the truth of who we are, and not really knowing consciously what we want. Whenever we do come in alignment with our desires and the Divine, then we must take a look at the reflection and realize that whatever we manifest is exactly who we are meant to be. The illusion of control, law and science melts because life just is. We learn to see the world as it is, not how our perception creates it from our egotistical wants.
Christian’s father, my darling brother, said that when he was in the army his mentor said to him, “Now Frank, when you get to the fork on the road keep going.” He said at the time, in his early twenties, that this did not make sense. But, now he knows he has to be true to himself and let intuition guide him to which path he must take. May you find your true self at the end of the fork so you can pick the one Spirit has laid out for you!