Last week I came across someone who deeply hurt me years ago. The friendship ended and it was brutal. I had trusted and loved this person with all my heart. The relationship dissolved. There was so much loss that it took a year just to pull myself out of a dark hole. There was never closure and I was okay with that because I avoid confrontations. It took several years to really trust another woman like a sister. And even now…I am guarded at times.
The moment I saw her my immediate feeling was joy. I sent the love and compassion out with elation. I smiled most of the day. She did not see me. I was just happy to know she was doing so well. I know (and felt) that part of our parting ways was traumatic issues of abandonment from her past. I could not fill her needs and I had my own journey to travel and heal.
We aren’t here to fix anyone. We can extend a hand but we cannot be the bandaid or stitches for them. Because what happens is toxic. You cannot fill them up with what they are lacking.
But, I was truly grateful to have seen her from a distance.
Then I slept on it.
My compassionate heart had allowed ego to talk some senseless bull shit script. I woke the next morning beyond angry. I didn’t recognize myself. I felt nothing of the precious love from the prior day. There was definitely unresolved wounds there. And, boy, was I gonna dig deep to remove that last root! It’s been years. I take full responsibilities for my own downfall in that relationship. In all relationships!
I spent several days sending her extra love and forgiveness. I dedicated my meditation practice to her and released any false expectation that I felt I deserved. I had moved past closure years ago. I was able to just be without the chit chat or what would I have said to her had she seen me. I stopped the fantasy of a conversation that does not need to happen.
It worked. After five days I was back to feeling a sense of peace. The toxic energy moved on. That’s the same toxic energy that consumed us the last few years of our friendship.
I recognized the peace and calmness that transitioned when I was at a distance. And this returned with a deeper love and appreciation for her. I wish her well and sent all my love…from here.
If you find yourself returning to an old wound please accept it’s not healed. When you heal you don’t feel the hurt so deeply. You can detach from it and move on. If the hurt continues then it’s time to cut energetic cords and really send love. Hate never trumps love. Never. Love truly is the highest vibrational tool for healing.
Healing requires the utmost vulnerability of authenticity. It asks that you be honest. It whispers that you honor your soul. Write those letters and burn them. Send your good intentions and release them.
You got to do what is best for YOU. If this means breaking up with your old habits, programming and ideas…then let it be.
Love yourself enough to walk away from all that no longer serves you: a job, a relationship, or anything else. Feel what you feel and make no apology for it. But truly validate yourself. You deserve the love you give to everyone else.
I love you.