Dark and Light

I met Nikki in Starbucks this morning. She was three people behind me in the line. Once I ordered I walked towards her and whispered, “I’m sure you get this a lot but you are absolutely gorgeous.”

She looked into my eyes and told me she didn’t.

“What’s wrong with people?” I asked smiling.

“Thank you so much for that compliment.” Her eyes began to tear up. “I don’t feel well today.”

“Girl, you fake it well.” I asked her for a hug and she began to cry.

“Oh, I’m so sorry, sweetheart! It’s only one day. You fake it well. Actually that’s such shit, you know. That whole statement of faking it till you make it. It’s like stomping vulnerability in fear that the world will witness your humanity!”

She cried while nodding in agreement. I reached for her hands.

“Talk to me. Tell me what’s aching in that tender heart?”

She shared…right there in line, after she placed her order. She let go briefly of something so harsh and it came out in small syllables. So we hugged. We connected. I told her it was one day. It was one month. It was just life….but that came short of what truly aches in her. I will never know the entire story and I don’t care to. What I know is that she was hurting.

I felt the break. I kissed her cheek and told her I would send her loving light and prayers. She accepted them. And just like that…it was over.

It only takes one second to smile or reach towards another. She needed that release. I happened to be the catalyst and it could have been anyone.

Mary Oliver’s line is always one I use to remind myself that in darkness there are gifts just as many as in light. It’s all how you show up and allow for the lessons to unfold. Don’t let one situation dictate your entire life. Life fluctuates between the dark and the light….and they are both encompass by love. ~m.a.p.

Illumination

 

light

 

Yesterday I acquired a new elderly client. I went to the facility to meet him, sit with him, and hear his story. He is a sweet gentle man. Gentle beyond words! As we sat in the neatest and orderly room he shared tidbits of his life…sometimes forgetting details which he would apologize for. I reached over to his hands several times guiding him forward. Dementia is brutal when you are still aware that it’s happening.

He spoke of his wife and how she was the most remarkable woman he had ever met. He spoke of his children and the loss of one of them. He mentioned his career. And, in between the sentences, the gaps in memory, he allowed me to see the man he was and is today.  He lives with regrets which are clearly seen in his demeanor. He is a man of faith but that can only take you so far if you don’t forgive the past.

I drove home thinking about my own life and how I want to remember it in my later years. I caught myself crying at a light. Took me by surprise. I am way too emotional at times and my heart cracks open with each story I get to collect. I tend to them with care and learn the underlining meaning of what another can transport to me. I made a list of how I want to end this journey.

At the end of my life I want to look back and remember the magic I created. I want to have full awareness of how I walked the earth and all the teachers who touched me on this journey. I don’t want to beat myself up for not having a perfect body, for not making everyone happy, for not keeping some folks around, for not having done more, for not being enough….

I want to smile and recall the joy the world brought me. I pray to always acknowledge the love that was created. I want to look at the rear view mirror of my adventure with awe-stricken wonder for raising my children, loving wholeheartedly every one without judgment.

My only goal in life is to have no regrets, forgive… especially myself, and keep an open heart till my last breath. I want to make it a lifelong expedition to be led by all the light and stay in it until I become stardust again. And even then I hope that sparkles come from the smallest particle of earth guiding me to the next place. 

Hope

When someone begs you to help them find HOPE you will try to move the dark world around them to show them light. You will shift and shake their perception so they may see the endless and limitless greatness in them. You will find a mirror and show them their reflection reminding them that there is magic in them. The universe resides in every cell of their being.

That, darlings, is the miracle of hope. It can’t be felt, but it can be seen in the stars and the trust in something much larger than the self.

We just need to remind one another every so often that darkness can always be lit by a small flame. And THAT flame is you.

A Broken Heart

broken heart

A few days ago I caught up with a dear friend. He began to express that it’s been one of the darkest moments in a long time for him. I heard what was said and the underlining of what wasn’t. My heart was fracturing as I listened to him. I have had moments like this. I have witnessed friends lose their jobs after 20 years. I have seen some others drink their problems away thus creating a blockage and denying all the emotions inside. I have seen others just disappear into their own shelter without a word. I have heard from others whose health have deteriorated asking for a purpose to it all. I have experienced the death of some others who just couldn’t handle the massive shifting of life because sometimes it’s all freaking shit. It’s hard. It’s unfair. It can suck us thin while removing our faith in humanity. And, as if all this wasn’t right on the surface of deep empathy, I was then asked that same afternoon by someone else, “Can a person die of a broken heart?” I immediately answered, “Absolutely! We can die from anything we manifest through thought and emotion whether it is in abundance or the lack of it.”

For most of my life the answer to that question was an absolute “no!” I did not believe you could die from a broken heart. Grieving passes. We get through things. At least…we should. However, things have changed. I have changed and experienced the shattering of my heart several times. We all have. Our stories consist of fractures, brokenness, fragments and so much more. It’s part of being human. One important criteria for living is feeling. The more you feel, the more exposed you are to disappointments, anger, hatred, heartbreaks, dishonesty, etc. But, on the same token we are also exposed to joy, beauty, love, and the rainbows of a thousand delicious emotions. The darkest of hours and moments in our lives push us to either lock up or open up wider. It’s a choice…but we must endure it. Life is not really meant to be a struggle but we sure do a great amount of persistence to make it be impossible. There are always lessons in these experiences. Without sounding over dramatic, I do believe we can die of a broken heart that manifests into a heart attack. We can create illnesses, weaknesses and every imaginable bad thing that can be attracted by intention.

My father had several open heart surgeries. He was a man who loved deeply. He was a Casanova, that one guy that lit a room with his charisma and good looks. He was charming, funny, friendly and extremely loving. He was a womanizer and had a PhD from the Houdini University of Disappearing Into Thin Air. He knew when to take it all in but not know when to let go. My father’s heart was wide open. He wore it on his sleeve, apparently with everyone. And so, he died with heart problems, prostate cancer, and a solitary journey to his death that was long and painful. His mind left him years before he was gone. My father died of not only a broken heart but resentments, anger, and disappointments that he couldn’t express. He lived in his own hell. Each one of us has an incredible novel and his was definitely not boring. He punished himself till the very end for all that he thought he created to hurt others.

We are all going to die. It’s a given. The moment you are born that’s the point of destination. What we do with the in-between is called life. Allow for the darkest parts to guide you into the light. Let creativity step in. A friend sent me a sweet message in an email, “Create! Save God from Boredom!” If you allow your heart to stay open and you accept your presence as a conduit from Divinity you will not die of a broken heart. You will fly and your Spirit will thank you for being authentic to your purpose. Create doesn’t mean to make a painting.  It means create all that you want with intention.  Do not let your heart close up. Do not let it die before your time. Do not let the past dictate your future. You don’t live there anymore. If you are sad, sit with it.  If you are happy invite that to stay for longer.  We grieve, we love, we give, and we die. Amidst the gasps of it all lies the purpose and the legacy of who you are.

Surrender to the unknown!

Make it magical!

I love you!

Preciousness of Life


Life is so precious. Cherish those you love. Do not take things for granted. We all have an expiration date and then we transcend into divine wisdom. But, while we are here tell those you care that you love them. Play more. Laugh often. Don’t wait till tomorrow for the things that matter. At the end of your life the degree you have won’t matter. The car you drive is not going to be on your mind. And, the house you live in is of no importance. No money will fix the finality of your legacy. You are who you are because of how you loved. What truly matters is the relationships and the love you gave in this earth. 

Go hug someone tightly. I have a friend who gives the best hugs in the world. When she holds you in her arms everything falls away. I have another whose laughter is so contagious that immediately you begin to laugh. And another friend knows exactly what to say at the perfect time without really being too verbal. 

You have people in your life who show you who you are. You have others who show you what you don’t care to become. Each person is there to give you a view of life. Don’t wait till the last breath to recognize what it is to be on this earth. You are light and love and laughter.