The Ghost of You

 

A version of our life together

sits in a frame

in our daughter’s room,

smiling back at her while she sleeps —

these two people

role playing a perfect scene

in some foreign Spanish film

whose protagonist

turned into the antagonist

in later years.

Tucking her in,

I stare at those two strangers,

the ghost of you

transparent

with the secrets of lifetimes

you participated

with so many others.

The interpretation of me

is of cellophane

covering rubbish.

That young woman has been buried

with the ex-composition of you

that so eloquently seems to smile

back from the glass,

encased in the lack of understanding

for her needs.

You haunt memories,

escaping the emotions

with your Houdini acts

that left only a version

of the apparition

we thought was you.

I’ve Spent a Life

I have ran around

the truth

of ever knowing what I knew

while denying my intuition

the right to decide

and adhere to its validity.

 

I’ve spent years,

time and energy,

avoiding this truth

and here it is

directly in my face  —

I can’t disregard its motion any longer;

I can’t avoid its existence

with its ugliness and rawness…

I can finally let go and fly free.

 

It’s been years,

but it feels like yesterday,

for the depth,

the ache,

the humiliation

has arrived with

a surprising force

allowing ego to take the driver’s seat.

 

I will not wallow

in self-pity,

self preservation,

as I know Karma

has no expiration date.

 

You were always so eager

to point out to the world

my flaws,

my human traits,

in every situation that

arrived

that was not in accordance

with your universe.

 

I have no use to continue

this confirmation

that breezed into my life

with today’s rain,

rattling leaves,

breaking branches,

causing a mild flood

so I can finally terminate

the need to soften our memories

to our children,

our friends,

and specially to myself

while making excuses for

our failures.

 

I’ve spent a life

running from those thoughts,

the traumas created by dictatorship,

and I finally feel the breath

of divinity guiding me through

any dark moments.

 

Benefit of doubt

is only good for those

who can truly change.

I forgave you long ago,

even when I didn’t know,

even when you twisted and turned

all truth.

Forgiveness wasn’t for you…

it was for me.

 

I spent a life

falling in and out of love

with myself

because of you…

but tonight

I finally know the truth:

you never deserved me

and my whole-hearted trust.

Everywhere

A man crossing the street,

one parking an old white Monte Carlo,

another paying for grapes at the check-out

20 items or less…

I see you everywhere

and hear a voice inside

with your tone, rhythm and melody,

whispering, “Never let me go!”

A movie, an actor, a theme

parallel to our lifetime

brings a thought, some moment frozen in time –

you and I in heat,

no longer teenagers but impersonating youth,

legs intertwined, us puzzled by the flexibility

the way lovers find one another

over and over without inhibitions.

I see you in a distance

or hear your breathing next to me

as I search through darkness on my bed

only to find pillows warming my body.

I watch you in my dreams

somewhere in the mountains

as we talked about so many times,

but I am here,

you are elsewhere.

For now I see you everywhere…

in the new faces I smile at,

a stranger unable to reach my heart,

and I know you will come to me once again

on the first day

of the rest of our lives.