Dancing in Heaven

Yesterday I called my deceased client’s son to inform him of his mother’s passing. He wanted nothing to do with her. She had not been a good mother. He had been very apprehensive and verbal about his feelings of wanting nothing to do with her.

We spoke about her passing, her last weeks, the care Hospice provided for her. I told him how much his mother changed my life. He couldn’t grasp it. I explained, through tears, that his mom made me believe in the shift of humanity. He stayed quiet. He never saw his mother as humane. I told him that I believe we all have the conscious choice to change even in a dying bed.

I asked him to keep an open mind and hear my story, the journey from beginning to end with her. He heard me, carefully taking in the small details of forgiveness and letting go. He heard my story of the hospital visits, the sitting with her and asking to let go of the past. He asked if she mentioned him. I told him that she did many times. He cried. I wish I had been in front of him to hold him, allow him to truly feel the feels of it all.

At the end of our conversation we both sobbed on the phone. He thanked me for loving his mother. In spite of her being a challenge she was a tremendous teacher of accepting and forgiveness. She allowed me to love her without rejecting the harshest of energies.

Today he called me back. He said that through my stories he felt he met another woman who could have been his mother. He told me he shared with his father who is in his mid nineties. His father couldn’t believe the stories. And this happens when we’ve experienced a completely different life. It’s well expected! We live through the lens of our perception. There is no point of reference for them to experience her change.

But…she now touched not just me, but her only son and ex-husband. She touched the folks in the facility. She touched the nurses in hospice and several volunteers. She had evolved into something miraculous in transformation.

She asked me on several occasions about death and what happens when you take your last breath. I answered her to the best of my experience, but is my experience and not hers. I am sure that she released all she needed to let go. By the time she reached that other realm she had evolved into a divine soul. I can imagine her dancing in heaven.

I’ve been so blessed. I keep being gifted the opportunities to be with these souls right around the time they need to transition. To hear their stories, have their hearts connect with mine, and feel love without ego…I cannot imagine anything more intimate.

Do not give up on love. The toughest to love are usually the ones who need it the most. You do not have to do anything but send them loving energy. We don’t have to enable them. We don’t have to accept abuse. We don’t have to allow hurt. We can set healthy boundaries. But, you have a responsibility to love and forgive in order to evolve into your greatness. Love them from here. Love them from there. Just love. Forgive. Let go. That’s all you need to do. Your life will be changed forever. ~m.a.p.

Advertisements

The Compass

road-sun-rays-path

Yesterday I had a huge challenge appear in my path. I was expecting it for some time. I knew it would cause a halt on the journey or at least a major detour. But, like all things when it finally appears you are frazzled by its presence. The knowing doesn’t even matter. It becomes a void of doubt, shame and guilt. Immediately I sat back and took a deep breath. The first person I could think of reaching out was my husband and I knew what he would say. He’s my husband. He would want me to do whatever felt right for me. The second person was my eldest son. At almost 30, he is wise beyond his years. We were both working so I texted him briefly. I gave him the condensed version.

I asked him to please answer what I should do without me being his mother. I wanted his honest answer without thinking of me as this woman who thinks she needs to save the world. He came back with a quick long answer. Immediately he took a step out of the family circle and answered the question without a single sense of being my son. He was a man. His opinions were defined by how he’s been raised. After his answer I asked him to then remember I was his mother.

He paused. I could see the (…) dancing on the screen. And then he answered with such love and compassion that I broke into a pool of tears. He asked me to stop. He asked me to also follow my heart. He asked me to go into my sacred space and ask for divine wisdom, but to please take my heart and hold it in my hands, caressing it and loving it the way I love him and others.

My son showed up as a compassionate and amazing guru and I forgot all about the dilemma/life changing event that had appeared in my path. The lesson turned into something magnificent and delightful. I needed the reminder. I had to truly get back on the right path.

He thanked me for teaching him to step back and look before reacting, reminding me that I forget myself along the way. I forget to count myself as a blessing. Hours later he called me to make sure I was okay and I thanked him through sobs. I told him that he had saved me from taking a detour into the thickness of a dark forest.

In the end…that is all we want. We want someone to be our compass when we get lost. Mostly we want to know that another soul understands us so well that we don’t have to feel along when hardships show up.

Have a beautiful day!

Cosmic Souls

 

The moon peaked into our room

watching us with envy,

infusing and detailing the scent of musk.

I moved to your hands

feathering my back,

counting every freckle,

tracing every scar,

until you finally took me,

devouring inch by inch

the territory of flesh.

I searched for your eyes,

with that giant light as my witness,

to see them smiling

like no other I’ve ever seen.

You were the one…

the only one who expected nothing,

accepted even less,

while longing my body,

entering my soul.

Our bodies united,

intertwining without beginning or end

as the wind rhythmically guided

our dance.

You had me. You were my essence,

I was yours,

and one day we will meet again

in the cosmic world of

the in-between.

Brokenness

Sometimes a broken heart

brings courage,

a destitution that allows growth,

and the ego-less truth of self.

Sometimes a broken heart

brings a hiatus

to show how real compassion

dances intimately

with selflessness.

Sometimes a broken heart

is a disposition,

a clarity of temperament,

and the response of spirit.

Sometimes a broken heart

is just a break

that needs the fracture to

force the heart to expand,

to reach inner wisdom,

without the distraction

of someone else’s needs.

And,

sometimes a broken heart

brings you to your knees,

closer to the Divine,

praying for forgiveness

while negotiating

for another chance

at seeing the world

through the eyes of love.

Dangling String of Hope

 

little boy

I looked for you

but didn’t find

the little boy

who loved me

so I grabbed

what seemed

the last piece of hope

left in a string

outside

from your soul,

reeled it in,

fighting the hold

of desperation pulling

from another side.

 

I hung steadfast,

gasping,

praying,

gripping with all of me

and my connection

to omnipotence

so you can finally

be at peace

with what is real

in this world

you chose to partake in.

 

 

You are lost

in an endless maze

of poor judgment

but I will get to your spirit

as I pull harder

on that string

to bring you to the light

of love,

compassion,

and truth.

 

 

I believe…

for you and me.

Let that string keep dangling

and I will continue

to pull you back

in the lighted path of Divinity

even if it takes

a lifetime to hold

onto that tiny thread of hope.

Losing and Missing

Not everything
that’s missing
Is lost.

Things fall and break,
Shift and take,
bounce and stay

Like memories,
Love,
And life.

Not everything that’s lost
Gets missed

Like bad memories,
Resentments,
Remorse,
Nostalgia
And heartache.

But losing and missing
The ability to let go,
To profoundly love,
To experience no regrets —
That’s avoiding
To live fully in the NOW.

20120419-150529.jpg

A Well-Needed Zapping

homeless womanI believe we all need a little zapping at times; an attitude adjustment to put gratitude back in the spirit of our humanness.  It’s not enough to stay cuddled in your comfort zone and complain about this and that.  If you are reading this you obviously have a computer, a phone, or some sort of techie gadget that makes your life accessible to the world.  In order to have that you must have money to have internet or phone service, right?  And, yet with all of these comforts lies the amnesia of gratitude and what is important.

This morning I ventured down the mountain into Asheville to take blankets, pillows, socks and scarves to the homeless shelter.  As I walked in the doors of this place I found destitution staring back at me from the image of a woman in a corner about my age.  Her blank stare followed me around the place as I unloaded my belongings.  At some point I couldn’t look any longer.  It hurt.  I could be that woman.  In each one of us there could be that point of helplessness, faithless circumstances that push us to live on the edge of the world vigorously trying to hold to humanity.

In these moments I ache for true shelter of my spirit.  Something breaks and expands and wanders off for just a little while.  How does one give up living while still remaining here on earth?  I have had many moments in this life where I just wanted to give up.  I understand mental illness and disorders are a part of some homeless people’s journey.  I get that.  What I don’t get is how to find the will out of that helplessness to move on?  These people who live on the streets are brave, courageous and resourceful.  Some have had lives better than any of us.  Some have lost their way through drugs and alcohol.  Some have found that the responsibility of family was too much.  And, some are waiting for life to end.  In a way they are all living together for the same goal:  food and warmth.  That’s it!

When I walked away to the car I realized how much time I have wasted feeling sorry for the things I don’t have instead of loving the things I do have: love, comfort, shelter, warmth, food, bed, clothes, and faith.  I realized I have been misusing my years searching for something, a sort of award for doing the right things.  The trophy has been given to me a million times over with gifts of gratitude and love from others.  The difference between that homeless woman and me is that I have had many pull me up when depressed or heartbroken.  I’ve had another tell me to not give up.  I’ve had others hug me without criticism or judgment in moments when I had nothing because I lost everything in the material world and whispered, “You can build again. You have the tenacity to do such a thing.”  Who does this woman have?  Where did her support group disappear to? I don’t know and might never know her story.  Did she lose a child, her job or everything to take her to this place?

I have wasted my life trying to figure what to do with the journey forgetting to inhale the gratitude until a few years ago.  How selfish and self-centered we can become until we get zapped again!  I am clueless to what separates the many of us who have these beautiful lives from those whose lives have been tarnished with hardship and loss.

Ten years ago in the midst of rebuilding everything I had a Christmas that was bare under the tree for my six kids.  But we had a home, a tiny rental house that really fit three and we were seven.  That Christmas Eve I loaded them in my car (I had a car, imagine the gratitude in that alone) and drove us to the nearest women shelter.  We fed these women and their children.  We spent hours there.  My kids whined and complained for a little while until they realized how much more they had.  They didn’t need gifts.  They knew they had much more than others.  It was probably the best gift I could’ve given them.  When we returned to the heated house they hugged me and thanked me for the lesson.  They got zapped.  Every so often we need that.  Life will knock you down many times…but get up and keep going.

This Christmas I want something else.  I want to remember the smell of that shelter, the look of its inhabitants, and the taste from the words of hope that I may give next time I visit.  That’s what I want.  I need to get zapped more often.  I need to sit with that woman, hold her hand one day and tell her that she’s not alone in this world.   Be grateful for reading this, for having a place to go to, a bed to keep you warm, socks on cold feet, food in your stomach, and the love of others that keeps you sheltered from the storm.  Life is a mysterious expedition.  You never know on which side of the tracks you will end up.  Gratitude and faith keep us moving towards the light.  Let that be the guidance you need to keep you afloat.  Mucho love to all!


“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement, you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

(image by google search)