Letting Love Live

This morning I had a memory of the first time I was stung with uncensored and unconditional love. I’m sure I had hundreds, or perhaps thousands of moments, but that evening seemed to stand out loudly.

My husband and I had been dating for a few months. I spent the night at his place. We had made love and only a candle lit the room. He had fallen sleep on his stomach. I turned over and saw him. The light from the candle enhanced his back muscles. I gasped. He was beautiful. I looked at his bare back in pure delight. Tears formed and I allowed for their release. He was sound asleep. I became very aware that he was mine, for however long that would be, and he was lovely. Not just because of his body but his sense of humor. I was falling in love. I was falling into a known territory that felt remarkably unfamiliar to all others.

I traced my fingers on his back softly following the shadows. He woke and turned over to his side while I kept rubbing him with my nails. At some point I fell into a slumber wrapped by his arms. The next morning as I drove the hour and twenty minutes home, I kept thinking of that moment that allowed me to fall so profoundly that every cell in my body felt the expansion of love. I literally felt a huge break in my chest.

Then I started to freak out. I felt I was losing myself. How could I? I’ve done this dance many times before. I had given all of me for years and not been reciprocated but what amazing lessons I had learned. I regret not a one!

As I watched the stretch of mountains ahead my heart felt a tingle and a pull. I was safe to fall. I was safe to rise towards the delight of being me…my authentic self without censoring from a man. The sun was rising over the landscape and I knew I had permission from the heavens to just feel the love that was to grow. I remember this many years later. I remembered it this morning as I watched him sleep in his stomach bundled under warm blankets.

Driving over the mountains that morning I recalled twenty years before when I was dating a lovely man. After we made love I fell asleep in his arms. Sometime after that I woke to him watching me sleep and the blinds wide open. He said, “The moon looks beautiful on your back. It makes your freckles look like stars!” He meant every syllable of that sentiment.

I buried my head on the pillow in embarrassment. I had a hard time taking in any kind of compliment.

I had never been seen…Or so I felt. He saw me. And when he died a year later a part of me died with him. Now noticing my new lover and his divine essence naked in front of me I felt all the love in the world that had been given, shared and exchanged. I felt it intensified and released in my soul. It wasn’t just a physical or emotional connection. It was a spiritual one.

At midlife I was finally me without apologizing.

And I allowed for all that was to come. He was mine then. He continues to be mine now. It has taken a tremendous amount of work and dance to stay in that love but it’s been so worth it. Because that’s what marriage entails. We are on the other side of that mountain of uncertainty and doubts. We are led by stars and candlelight through the darkest of obstacles.

We are in it because of the raw vulnerability from one another. We show up not always in perfect lighting. It’s in the unmade beds, crazy sleepless nights with kids, messy days, hard obstacles, little moments and unconditional love without judgment. It’s real life naked and fully clothed behind closed doors. I’m blessed.

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Cosmic Souls

 

The moon peaked into our room

watching us with envy,

infusing and detailing the scent of musk.

I moved to your hands

feathering my back,

counting every freckle,

tracing every scar,

until you finally took me,

devouring inch by inch

the territory of flesh.

I searched for your eyes,

with that giant light as my witness,

to see them smiling

like no other I’ve ever seen.

You were the one…

the only one who expected nothing,

accepted even less,

while longing my body,

entering my soul.

Our bodies united,

intertwining without beginning or end

as the wind rhythmically guided

our dance.

You had me. You were my essence,

I was yours,

and one day we will meet again

in the cosmic world of

the in-between.

I Melt with You

The sound of your voice

carries magical gifts

that chill my nerve endings,

erecting every particle

and I dissolve within seconds

of each syllable released.

 

I shiver,

dancing to a mystery

of what will be

sometime,

somewhere,

somehow,

as you look deep within me.

 

I melt with each thought

of you,

diffusing in your hands

as they

trace,

create,

explore

the corners of my flesh.

 

I dance to your eyes,

as they search for my truth,

my releases and secrets,

waiting for permission

to kiss,

absorb,

extract,

love all of me

as you take nectar

from my spirit.

 

In the end

it is the journey of silence,

smiles,

and gestures

that bring me back

to being infinite

with you…

intertwine in me.

Retracing Love’s Heart

 

I’ve loved you a long time,

through space and lives.

I’ve waited

breathing in your smell,

following my senses,

not knowing where

they would take me

until I found you…

again.

Without memories,

only a faithful intuition,

I have been guided

back into your arms.

I’ve loved you forever

even when we had not met

and now

I am whole again

as your eyes reflect me in them…

as your hand fits

neatly

in mine.

Knight of Nights

knight

I wake to arms

wrapping me,

gathering thoughts

of where I am,

who I am,

and what day this is.

I hold back,

tightly,

as if the wind would

swift me

away

and I no longer had

the grounding of you

shielding me from the world.

The heat from the bed

penetrates

silently

draping us both,

whispering

little secrets from our travels.

This is the way

every morning should be welcomed:

in the arms of a knight

illuminating light

into my spirit.

The Me Without You

lovers departing

There was you

before everything…

trapped in a drawer of memories

that has been moved ferociously

from one spot to another

trying to find a light that

can shine common sense

on it.

 

Then,

there wasn’t you anymore.

And life has moved on

without a single wink,

blink or sense of human loss.

 

The sun still came out.

The moon still hung around.

The seas never parted.

The earth never fell apart.

 

No one noticed how this

profound lack of love

has affected the world.

 

Life has gone on without a trace

of us.

There was you

when there was

a YOU.

 

There was me before I knew loss

when the tingling of truth,

passion and desire

touched

the core of my existence.

 

I have begged consciousness

to remind me where I placed those contents

I removed from that drawer long ago.

Now there are fragments

of us

scattered in limbo

in between here and there

lingering for a connection.

 

Will we ever get it right,

this simple thing

that reminds us of what’s missing?

Will we ever do it right

rhythmically, at the same time,

without the detours that have

erased the path to each other?

 

You were home.

You are the embodiment

that housed my essence.

Life has proceeded.

The me without you is still here.

Waiting…

Sighing…

Breathing…

Tic…Toc…

 

For a miracle

that would return my soul

to the me without you

so I can once again…

exhale without a small reminder

of YOU

and the us

before I ever vanished.