Note: I wrote this a year ago today. I dreamed about this last night. I don’t know why. I suspect that my re-birthday is to blame! The lessons I learned from DEATH are just as intense and valuable as the ones I am learning from LIFE. I am not the same person I was a six months ago. I am not the same person I was when I returned from the ultimate space of LOVE. I continue to learn from this experience as intensely as I learn from living. I cannot tell you what to do. I cannot tell you how to live. You are the only one who knows what you need. I can only show you what I live through my spirituality and my humanness. After my awakening I promised myself that I would love as profoundly as I felt loved in that moment that I died. I swore I would bring that sense of divinity back and it’s been a constant reminder that in one second life can change. Do your self a favor and live like if you are dying. It won’t matter what you did a year ago, tomorrow or in ten years. I will forever be grateful for the guidance and the knowing that all I am and forever will be is the embodiment of true love. In the end that is truly all that matters…to me. And here is the story:
In a few days it will be a year that I died in the emergency room. One minute I was having chest pains, the next paralysis and finally a moment of leaving and visiting the other realm. It took months of me finding grounding in my body. I felt like I could not fit. I couldn’t grasp returning to the human world. All fear and anxiety had disappeared. All dreams, expectations, and purpose fell to the roadside. Those things that caused constant worrying somehow seemed mundane. Living was mundane, without meaning. My poor fiance couldn’t deal with this new woman. My best friend was fearful that I would return to the world of the dead. It was a constant source of questions, “Are you okay? Do you feel alright? Do you need anything?” I cannot begin to imagine what they witnessed and how they felt through it all.
I would stand in the dead of winter watching the wind go through the trees. I could spend hours listening to the earth stretching, hearing colors, tasting the land like something from a metaphysical movie. Life was surreal. I couldn’t relate to this place when what I witnessed in those moments of meeting Spirit was the most magical experience I could ever imagine. And, for the skeptic in me, if it was my imagination then I would rather that other place over anything here on earth.
Spirituality is a personal facet of my life. It is a path that I try to move through while fully being present in my human form. I am not a religious person, but have studied several religions and philosophies throughout the years. I pick and choose from belief systems those things that feel right. Spiritual direction is for me to travel and often in a lonely manner because let’s face it, spirituality is personal. It is intimate. But, everything I had believed until January 15, 2014, was incorrect. I didn’t see Jesus Christ. I didn’t see Buddha. I didn’t see any of the great masters. I didn’t see a tunnel with loved ones waiting to walk me down the spiritual hall. I only saw love and light. I was engulfed in the warmth of universal ecstasy. I was in the arms and presence of Source.
Those first three months of 2014 required a constant taste of humanity. I had more Spirit than Ego. I had more essence and love than ever before in my 46 years. I had more presence. I had an infinite amount of time. Although the days still had 24 hours I was able to stretch them into infinite space. I returned with a high pitch that became a meter for b.s. I could read people’s thoughts. I returned with so much love that I would cry just holding a book, a plant, my lover’s hands, my child’s words over a phone call, the cat purring, the dog placing his head on my lap, and anything that came into my space with any feelings. I had a really hard time connecting to my humanness. I had an impossible struggle feeling the hurt that people constantly carry in their hearts. Life is not meant to be such a struggle…but here we are pursuing the impossible with tenacity and hardness while forgetting to breathe the privilege of being alive. We have little gratitude for who we are and what we are meant to be…Divine Spirits having a human experience.
On March a close friend allowed me and my best friend to go stay in her brother’s home on the outer banks of North Carolina for a weekend. I walked the cold beach. Its vacancy allowed me to be again with the earth away from the freezing weather in the mountains. I wrote. I rested. I shared stories with my friend. We cooked. We danced. We walked by ourselves along shorelines. I was once again held by the grace of Spirit, not only for sustaining me through this return in human form, but for allowing me to want to stay here. I got another chance! I have had several of these in my lifetime. But, I had never returned from the Omnipotence presence of love.
Love transcends all. It sees no color, no race, no discrimination, no age, no faults, not a thing. Love sees you and me and this marvelous experience we get to call Life. And, when we embrace it with complete and utter compassion we are returned to a place of mysticism, mystery and the wisdom of time.
As months overlapped, new responsibilities took hold of me. I became more human again. It no longer takes me hours to fit my essence inside of my body. I wake naturally tugged in it. I have had struggles and questions and disappointments, but I’ve had grace and love guiding me along the way. I don’t know why I died. I don’t have those answers. I don’t have direction for another. I am reminded that I have to work on my own journey constantly finding a footing. I overlook things because ego is constantly monopolizing my rational brain. After dying I try to step back and allow the signs of spirit to guide me. Sometimes in seeking, fate hides all resources. We are forced to take new direction.
The other day I told a friend that I felt like there’s no way I could help another. If I can’t get my own crap spiritually aligned how do I give advice to another suffering from lack of direction? Then it came to me: spiritual direction is about allowing our higher self to find the answers. We reach in and find the truth from faith and intuition. I cannot guide you without you allowing your own guidance to align with your wishes. Somewhere inside you have all the answers. I will not tell you what you need…but I can give you examples of what has worked for me. I can hold your human hands while cradling your heart with a whisper, a touch, a sweet smile and let you know that you are not alone. That’s all I can offer you.
You have to let go in order to begin living. Living is a courageous act balancing the physical forms with the spiritual ones. Allow spirit to guide you. It’s always there. We are made from love, to love, and be love. Mucho love to you, darling! Begin with loving yourself!
The other day at a store I saw a sign that read, “Even broken crayons still color.” I had to stop for a second…or two…maybe a few minutes pondering on that statement. I stood there in a busy isle of a department store taking up space with my eyes closed as I repeated each word out loud. It was one of those powerful AHA moments that anyone can witness looking at you. I was having an epiphany and two other ladies in the same isle stood staring at the same sign. And, even though none of us spoke, we each took with us something from those words.
How many times haven’t we shattered into million pieces? How many times haven’t we believed, in that state of desperation, that we have no shine; that we aren’t worth it; that life is over in that brokenness? Those small fragments in us mend and expand; they break and create new extremities to bridge the old with the new. They make us stronger, wiser, and graceful. They force us to reinvent ourselves, forgive, and learn to play. I, for one, am grateful for those broken pieces…all the tiny ones that can be picked and put together to create a new life. They have allowed my colors to bleed into other brighter ones and combined to make new hues so I can go out into the world and paint for me.
I left the store without a single item. I left with the quote imprinted in me. As I was walking out the door there were coloring books on display with boxes of crayons. I smiled. I courageously walked with my head held high. I’ve been just like those coloring books for so long…restricted to lines and rules of social expectations. Now I am ready to paint the world in a different light no matter how small or large the breaks are in the future.
Paint your world today with those little pieces you think of discarding! Color, laugh, cry and rejoice for being the most perfect version of you. You will be made whole again. You are bright, beautiful and…oh…so very creative! Mucho love in this beautiful holiday week. Give yourself the gift of exploration and play. Don’t keep putting it off!!!
Let me be the dent that
sits in the valley
so you can scoop all around me
the sheltering grounds
to protect me
in this world.
Allow me to be the appetizer
that you scoop up
to your soul
for the rest of this life.
Permit me to be a voyager
who travels in your journey
until we can be completely
aligned with the universe…
until you can find the way
to scoop me up
and make me one.
This morning I went to get some candles at a store and no sooner did I walk in that a friend called to meet for lunch. As I was rushing to exit the store I saw this frail older woman looking at towels by the registers. I passed her but as I got to the sliding glass doors I was drawn to turn around and go speak with her. I touched her lightly on her arm, “You are such a beautiful woman. I am drawn by your light.” In total shock and dismay she looked at me and began to cry. She couldn’t speak. I continued while reaching for her hands, “I know you must have looked at yourself in the mirror today and spoke to your image very negative ‘cause that’s what we do, but you are stunning! I hope you see the delightfulness of your being.”
After she composed herself she began, “I am not half the person I used to be. A year ago this month I had cancer and my intestines have been chopped off. I’ve lost over 50 lbs. Chemo has basically killed me. I am a walking cadaver. I am not a young woman and I feel even older than what the image in the mirror tells me.” I began to cry. Her words carried such loss, desperation, and a complete lack of faith. “I shouldn’t be here right now. I’ve passed my expiration date and cannot understand why I am still here.”
I hugged her tightly and said, “Oh my God, what an amazing and magical opportunity to live life to the fullest. What an incredible journey full of endless possibilities. Here you are standing in your glory looking all glamorous with an angel by your side. What an amazing way to take the world by storm because you have been given a second chance.” She looked through her tears and smiled gasping for more words.
“Thank you! Thank you for saying this on a day that I felt was my last. Lately that’s all I am doing is waiting on death to come get me. I came to this store to distract my thoughts and here you are telling me such beautiful things.” We both hugged and cried. She asked me for my name and I just answered, “It doesn’t matter. I am you. You are me.” Quickly I remembered that my friend was in the parking lot waiting for me. I kissed her hand, rubbed her face with tenderness and exited. I was so moved into overwhelming sorrow that my friend thought something had happened to me in the store.
We are a tough bunch. We are harder on ourselves than others. We are given a zillion chances to see the positive light of hope, and yet, even with scares and obstacles that we overcome through grace we still decide to live in the past of sorrow. Our humanity has such rough edges. We don’t stop to touch another with a gentle word or a smile. Half the time we rush around like if we were in ant colony looking for food.
Now hours later I think of this broken soul. I came home and lit a candle for her. She was my teacher today. A total stranger lifted my hope, grace, and love. I’ve been her many times. We all have had moments of pure desperation, thinking of checking out, rushing out of this world to something calmer to find peace. She will never know what that conversation meant to me. I only hope she finds the strength to look inside herself and explore that light that is casting out into this world. That’s really all that matters. We are reflections of one another. In the end all we have is our humanness that connects us to divinity. We are never ever, ever alone.
The other day we took my recent-high-school-graduate daughter to lunch to celebrate her wonderful milestone. As we were sitting waiting on our waiter I mentioned to Matt that after all these years I think I would be a good waitress. I would talk to everyone. Here’s the conversation:
Matt: You would be amazing. You would make more money than anyone else, except no one would get what they ordered.
Me: What are you talking about? I wouldn’t screw up an order.
Matt: Nope. They would order a burger and you would come out with a healthy salad saying something like, “Your dead grandmother is standing here telling me that you have high cholesterol and will die just like her if you don’t start eating right. So, here is your salad.”
Me laughing and shaking my head: I would not do that.
Matt: Yes, you would. It would be like eating at Karma Café. You don’t get what you order. You get what you deserve.
Me still laughing: Nope.
Matt: And, then when they order dessert you would proceed to give them the other insightful messages that their dead person had for them.
I am always fascinated by the way people perceive me, even my loved ones. Well, especially my loved ones! I try desperately not to intrude or give messages to those who are not ready for them. I am often bombarded with messages and if the person is not ready to hear I will not proceed. I have learned my lesson (and continue to do so) with folks who can’t handle the communication from beyond. Add differences in belief, stigma, and judgment and I go on lock down. There’s also the small issue of translation. Entities sometimes don’t speak. They show up with some symbol, item or gesture. I have no clue what that could mean. But, the funny thing is that if, for example, I see Kleenexes around them there is a reason for that. When I relate the message it makes complete sense to the receiver. I stopped trying to make sense of the things I feel, hear or see because it can leave me feeling mentally challenged.
Perhaps, I might not make a good waitress after all. I’m ultra sensitive and the energy around that many people would wig me out. I would definitely not change their orders as Matt pointed out to me. I am not in charge of Karma Café. You have your own destiny to make. And, that’s something every person must go through on their own!
My daughter and I went into Asheville yesterday morning. We stopped at Starbucks and coming out of the car I got caught in the branches of a tree I didn’t even see. Imagine missing a huge tree! I felt the leaves caress me, the twigs holding me back, as I pulled away. It was as if the branches were hands holding me from going inside the store. A nice man with long braids said, “I see the tree won’t let you go.” I answered, “It came out of nowhere and just embraced me.” He smiled showing me a mouth full of gold teeth. His demeanor was very reggae-casual-whatever in style and I was drawn to him. He held the door open for us to go in. I kept looking back and seeing a calming spirit smiling back at me. He just winked and said, “Now don’t you go fighting these trees here in Asheville. They are pretty frisky to beautiful women.” I, in my long tie-dye-hippie-green skirt, short-crop-gray hair standing up, and colorful sandals couldn’t help but laugh. He was seeing my spirit as mine was seeing his. If we go by superficial looks there was nothing attractive about me but my smile.
I am absolutely absentminded. A tree has to grab a hold of me in order for me to see that I am under it. Whenever my mind is swirling in different directions I am oblivious to everything other than Spirit. At that very moment of impact I was seeing the energy move quickly around me. I had very little indication that there were any folks around me other than my daughter. Consequently, my daughter laughed hysterically. She knows how I see nothing physical when I am in this sacred space of Divinity. It was hard to sit long enough inside Starbucks drinking a cup of tea. When I am not feeling well, battling sinus issues, I can’t guard myself from whatever the environment is experiencing with energy and vibrations. Sounds crazy, huh? Next time you are in a public place close your eyes and feel with all your other senses. It is very different than depending on just your sight, perception, and external awareness.
Duality and non-duality co-exist in us forming a balance in our lives. At the very moment I was in Starbucks I could feel the negativity of mass consciousness. It isn’t always like this in Starbucks. It comes in clusters. Energy does tend to do this. I felt the “vibes” from folks who are superficially living in a state of paralysis, minus the nice man with braids who was long gone before I started sipping my cup. Love is the greatest of all frequencies. Its vibration and energy expands with omnipotence power. When we aren’t in that beautiful alignment all we can feel is stagnant energy, negativity and a dense matter that I personally can’t be around. Even in my oblivious state of physical awareness I was witnessing that “feeling” that wanted me out of there. You can call it intuition, gut feeling, discernment, innate knowledge or anything else. We all have it. If we allowed it to guide us life would be easier.
Once I was in the car I was fine. My awareness was back on the road. I was able to converse with my daughter. We laughed. The moment had passed when I felt an intrusion into my spiritual body. I am always grateful for the times I can discern and understand that it’s not just me. We are all connected. Be mindful of the energy you bring into public places. Kindness and an open heart go a long way. Being present (which is very hard for me at times) is being mindful of everything around me. The energy around us is always interconnected, I promise you! You never know how your body will receive what others are carrying around with them. If you are lucky enough a tree branch might stop you from moving forward. Divinity has a great sense of humor.
“The Universe contains three things that cannot be destroyed; Being, Awareness and LOVE” – Deepak Chopra