I’ve learned invaluable lessons during these last 6 weeks of staying home about myself and my family:
I have more patience than I give myself credit for.
I have a horrid-wicked-twisted sense of humor when I am not busy with my own stuff. I have to water it down!
I have accepted that I am not a teacher…nor ever want to be. And I respect educators so much. Now more than ever before.
I avoid lots of emotional shit until I don’t and then it comes out in a massive wave of release. And, boy, have I released beyond words. I’ve let go of triggers and traumas because I haven’t been able to run from them.
I don’t need much. All those trips to Home Goods and Target were to fill an emptiness. I haven’t stepped into either place in more than 6 weeks and I am fine with it.
My kids are excellent emotional button pushers. And, I have learned to truly return to the present moment with them because they, too, are experiencing a different routine. Now the routine has become normal. They are my biggest teachers.
We love the outdoors. I have given so much love to the yard for the first time since we bought this house a year and a half ago. I am learning to be gentle out there and watch spring as it’s blooming everywhere. I, too, am blossoming.
My oldest son is staying here from New York and our conversations in the evenings have been priceless. There is nothing sweeter than having stimulating conversations with your grown children. When my own thoughts come out of his mouth I get giddy. It’s been the first time in 12 years since we’ve been together longer than a week at a time during holidays.
I am grateful. I have learned that I am truly happy with my life (on most days) even when the young kids take the piss out of me. I am grateful for my husband still having a job and putting his life in danger out there.
My spirituality took a giant blow for three or four weeks during this. I questioned everything and, at the same time, nothing at all. I felt numbed and disconnected. I couldn’t feel the other realm. And, then I did and it’s come back with such depth.
I have learned to stop speculating. I’ve stopped reading things that triggered me on social media. I rarely watch the news. I won’t entertain things that hit my spiritual truth and knowing.
I marvel at it all. Six weeks have been a gift of their own. I know many have lost loved ones. I know the risks taken with each breath out there. I know that I know nothing about what will happen in the upcoming months.
I have reached out to those who I’ve missed but was too busy to talk to. We’ve connected again through amazing increments of time.
Being home has never felt safer. It has never felt warmer. This has been a giant pause for me. I have done very little with my writing, or creativity (other than yard work) and I have learned to be okay with it.
All that I could have done with this time has gone into raising a small family. It’s been a delightful gift to do this fully and mindfully…until I get to bed with exhaustion. But, it has been lovely to learn so much about me at this age.
I had a birthday during this time. I celebrate my birthday all 30 days of April. This year it hasn’t been like that. I haven’t had me time in weeks. But, that also has brought tremendous awareness. Fifty-two years have come and this one I will never forget.
I am certain there are many other lessons I can’t remember at this time. I am healing. It’s never ending. I am excited to see what’s on the other side of this.
What have you learned? What has this PAUSE brought for you and your family?
I had some sweet gifts as a little girl from the age of four. My mother didn’t know what to do with me when speaking to our dead ancestors. She took me to a spiritualist on the island to get whatever was inside of me out. When that didn’t work she took me to a psychologist. She demanded I stop the nonsense.
So I did. I stopped it for decades. It caused anxiety. It gave me migraines. I was so stumped that my energy was toxic…to myself.
Finally when I moved to these mountains of Western North Carolina, leaving an old life behind, the “gifts”began to unfold. I was in my early 40’s.
I ran to a therapist and asked her to test me to see if I was schizophrenic. I knew I must be. My mother, who had long passed, kept those insecurities alive. I was blessed to have a therapist who allowed me to embrace the “openings and expansions.”
I wasn’t crazy. Okay…maybe a little loonie but not in a harmful way. I am eccentric. 😝
See, my darlings, you aren’t bat-shit crazy when you clearly feel and see and sense other realms. You are gifted. Stop being afraid of what others think. I struggled with that all my life.
I love you. Embrace your individuality with your spiritual body. This is your superpower. Use it to help light the world. You’ve got this!
Last week I came across someone who deeply hurt me years ago. The friendship ended and it was brutal. I had trusted and loved this person with all my heart. The relationship dissolved. There was so much loss that it took a year just to pull myself out of a dark hole. There was never closure and I was okay with that because I avoid confrontations. It took several years to really trust another woman like a sister. And even now…I am guarded at times.
The moment I saw her my immediate feeling was joy. I sent the love and compassion out with elation. I smiled most of the day. She did not see me. I was just happy to know she was doing so well. I know (and felt) that part of our parting ways was traumatic issues of abandonment from her past. I could not fill her needs and I had my own journey to travel and heal.
We aren’t here to fix anyone. We can extend a hand but we cannot be the bandaid or stitches for them. Because what happens is toxic. You cannot fill them up with what they are lacking.
But, I was truly grateful to have seen her from a distance.
Then I slept on it.
My compassionate heart had allowed ego to talk some senseless bull shit script. I woke the next morning beyond angry. I didn’t recognize myself. I felt nothing of the precious love from the prior day. There was definitely unresolved wounds there. And, boy, was I gonna dig deep to remove that last root! It’s been years. I take full responsibilities for my own downfall in that relationship. In all relationships!
I spent several days sending her extra love and forgiveness. I dedicated my meditation practice to her and released any false expectation that I felt I deserved. I had moved past closure years ago. I was able to just be without the chit chat or what would I have said to her had she seen me. I stopped the fantasy of a conversation that does not need to happen.
It worked. After five days I was back to feeling a sense of peace. The toxic energy moved on. That’s the same toxic energy that consumed us the last few years of our friendship.
I recognized the peace and calmness that transitioned when I was at a distance. And this returned with a deeper love and appreciation for her. I wish her well and sent all my love…from here.
If you find yourself returning to an old wound please accept it’s not healed. When you heal you don’t feel the hurt so deeply. You can detach from it and move on. If the hurt continues then it’s time to cut energetic cords and really send love. Hate never trumps love. Never. Love truly is the highest vibrational tool for healing.
Healing requires the utmost vulnerability of authenticity. It asks that you be honest. It whispers that you honor your soul. Write those letters and burn them. Send your good intentions and release them.
You got to do what is best for YOU. If this means breaking up with your old habits, programming and ideas…then let it be.
Love yourself enough to walk away from all that no longer serves you: a job, a relationship, or anything else. Feel what you feel and make no apology for it. But truly validate yourself. You deserve the love you give to everyone else.
I love you.
Yesterday, before my boys left, we stopped at Barnes & Noble. It was crowded with the remains of Holiday folks. I waited by the magazines while the boys looked for their books. I remembered years ago when I moved to Asheville how that store was my saving grace. When the winter hit hard that year I was stuck up on the mountain and my only outlet was to come into town to the bookstore. I had been stripped of all monetary means. A friend and I bought an old motel that took everything I had. She went off to work for the winter and I was left with two teenagers and a deep isolation that pushed my soul into a spiritual awakening.
The mountain taught me invaluable lessons. The motel endorsed those experiences. At the time I didn’t recognize how priceless those obstacles would become. I learned to trust my intuition. I was snowed in more than I could ever imagined. I spent time without electricity and water. And I knew not one soul.
My outlet was coming into town once a week if I could make it down the roads. I packed a bunch of Post It notes and typed up letters. I would sit in a hidden corner of the store and write inspirational notes to put in books and magazines. In the mental health books I would leave “You are magnificent. You are here to make the world brighter.” In the glamour magazines, especially those for teenagers, I would leave something along the lines of “You are more beautiful than any photo shopped girl here. You are here to make a world a better place.” And on and on I would go around and just post the little love notes around the store. It filled me up with joy.
The letters I called, “Love Note from the Universe” I would fold and place in the windshield of cars in the parking lot. Those were longer. And deeper. I would watch from the second floor of the store as people would grab them. Some would open them up and read them, always checking around to see if they saw anyone. Many times they were thrown on the grown or crumbled up in their car.
I had the time to do these things. I have lost my way with busyness the last few years working full time, raising small children, taking care of lives (especially mine). They aren’t excuses. It’s just the way it’s been. It’s a different journey now, but yesterday I ached to start again doing those things that touched the core of me: going to the homeless shelter and having coffee; taking books to the VA Hospital; gathering stories from all walks of life. I ached for a moment so deeply for those simple acts of kindness that my chest felt like it cracked open. I gasped for a bit of air and recognized my soul’s call. I know it well!
This new year I plan on being more present with humanity. I vow to write Love Notes to Humanity and share all the stories from around my world. We are united by the act of connections, feeling acknowledged, listening, and knowing we are not alone on this journey.
The other day I was getting in my car from the supermarket. It was drizzling. An elderly couple was in front of my car. He held the umbrella and was trying to get his partner into the car. It was sweet to witness. I wondered at that moment how many years they had been together. He actually kissed the top of her fragile hand when she got in and closed her door, getting a bit wet then slowly dragging his feet to come around to the driver’s side. And without words, their story became mine. Love Notes for Humanity. Their actions became the driven force to go home and be gentler, more loving, and accepting of whatever was to come with all the buzzing from the holidays. A few times this week I have returned to that elderly couple in my memories. I smile thinking of their lives. And I am blessed to have them now become part of mine.
You are part of mine by just being here. Never, for one moment, do I take that for granted. I love you. May you also begin to collect and create love notes in your life from all of humanity. We need more of that!
This over and over. I want to talk about consciousness, manifesting, Faith, the universe, travel, God, and all that opens me up to joy. I want to laugh and cry with you from the place of complete vulnerability. I don’t want to hear about negativity or stagnation. I don’t care for complaints that stop you from truly evolving spiritually. I crave the stories that push me to think louder and ask even deeper questions. I want to hear about your babies, your memories and what gets you up in the morning. I want to know of your great love affairs and who stole your heart the most. Anything else is senseless and doesn’t fill me. “What’s Up” is insignificant. Give me the heart and love of what makes you human. That’s what I want to feel, touch, hear and know.
Yesterday I visited my sweet 96 year old who is barely there. She has been transitioning for weeks. She is all bones. When I got to her room with the med tech she was wrapped in several blankets. I spoke loudly to let her know I was there. I asked how she was feeling and she said she was waiting to go see the Good Lord. So I said loudly, “Go darling! It’s time. Go! You can dance and play with Him!”
Her roommate who is much younger, but has progressive dementia yells, “I wanna go. I want to go where she’s going!”
“No, sweetheart, it’s not your time. You can’t go where she’s going at this time. You go on a later date!”
My client started on her loop, “Don’t Rush me. I’m going as fast as I can. I have rivers to cross. I can’t get on the raft….” I touched her arm to calm her state of confusion.
Her roommate started yelling, “I wanna go where she’s going too. I know how to swim.”
The med tech looks at me with a scorn look and says, “See what you started?” We both smiled.
I heard someone come into her room in a wheelchair and the elderly patient was ready to also go on the field trip to wherever my client was going!
When you give consent and wishes to loved ones to go be with the Good Lord please be sure no one else is ready to join them. Seems there are rivers to cross and not enough room on the raft.
Our stories make us. As soon as we share them, each heartache or piece of joy, we begin to release and heal. We start to feel whole again because someone has acknowledge us, recognizing our history, and loving us for it. There is power in acceptance and awareness when it comes through our vulnerability.
Let’s have open ears for others. Let’s keep our eyes fixed on the magic in another. Let’s feel each other through the silence. Let’s keep our hearts wide open as well without judgment, bigotry, or intolerance. We must see, hear, feel and taste love throughout our lives by truly being present with each other. It’s not always easy, but it is doable. Our greatest teachers are the ones who challenge emotions, patience, belief system, programming and understanding. We grow from their reflections.
There is love in accepting our connections and the sacred oneness of divinity.
Love transcends through every word, touch, and presence with another. It’s through those moments that we learn more about ourselves. It’s also then when we realize that we are not alone. Everyone goes through similar experiences. You and I are connected here, out there and everywhere. It might not always be pretty but it is part of our human evolution. The spiritual essence of our existence depends on a massive change of awareness. It’s happening right now.
Have a blessed day. Reach out to others today. Lend a smile, give a hug and share a kind word. You might be the angel and lifeline that person needs at that very moment.