“Wisdom tells me I am nothing. Love tells me I am everything. And between the two my life flows.” – Nisargadatta Maharaj
I have been self-absorbed lately, so much to the point of trying to find purpose on a life I’ve created from love, faith and the awareness of lessons. Ever since I was a child I have always known what I wanted from life. I’ve never been without goals. Except now I am looking for “home” through the internal maze of consciousness. I am not depressed. I have bouts of sadness at times because of loss, changes, and those who have come and gone, leaving me to question my humanity. I am left to question my character and how I have been part of others and their drama. But, I am aware that we all live through this because it sums the total of our lives. Without reflection and deep introspect we are nothing.
I was driving back from town early this morning and out of the blue, tears began to flow. I was overcome with joy, giddiness and something else. I know there is no such thing as “out of the blue” because inside of each one of us we know the answer to every moment, feeling, and choice. Our psyche will form false illusions through ego, but we all have the answers. I pulled to the side of the road shaking off “the whatever issue” that was strangulating me. Even though it felt good it also felt sad. It is that “whatever” attitude that brought me into releasing the tears. I was admiring the scenery coming up the mountain as the sun was casting minimal light through the fog making the bright colored leaves even more magnificent. I began to say the word, “home,” out loud.
I am home. At this moment I look back at a some very difficult years. I’ve had to re-establish my sense of identity and my purpose as things have evolved. Every change and challenge has pushed me to question my sanity, beliefs, and connections. I’ve made plans and now have had to deviate from many of them. However, the new journey has been delicious because it has shown me other parts of myself. But, at times thoughts transpire and I recognize them as small hiccups that push the internal needs to frustration.
The Divine has reshaped the map to the future with some humorous points. At times I see the irony and humor in the childish idea that I have control of my life. The joke is on me! I realize what home is now. I see it through the faces of loved ones, the places I’ve lived and the memories collected throughout my days. Home is deeper than a place of residence. It is something in me that remembers and settles with ease. This could be through anything. Home is the essence of who I am.
Something happened when I had the near-death experience almost three years ago. Something significant came back with me deleting all sense of fear. Normal problems now seem ridiculously dramatic circumstances trying to push my higher evolution to learn quicker. In this state of awkwardness I let things fall too easily at times, while at other times they grab a hold of me and suck the air out leaving a vast emptiness with answers to no questions. I don’t understand the struggle here on earth. I don’t comprehend the suffering. Where I went in those moments of leaving my physical body I was at peace. I was engulfed by a light of love. Nothing compares to that. And this morning as I witnessing the reds, oranges and yellows on the mountains, I recognized that sense of awesomeness that must be experienced as I let go. I keep surrendering with constant clarity that whatever is ahead is rigged in my favor.
I want to live fully. I want to live to the highest desire of my authentic soul. I want to live with passion even when I have no clue to what is ahead. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets as often as I can. I want to see my children grow old, experiencing the magnificence of life. I want my friends around me through the tough and easy times. I want to drink wine, slack off, chase fairies at night, have fun, and still be responsible to know better. I want to keep waking up every morning to the smell of this body aging, growing, and expanding. I want my mate to hold me, touch me gently, wipe my cares and tell me that we will be together until we are not. I want to be guided my synchronicity and serendipity. I want to live a life that is meaningful to that light I witnessed as snow was falling outside of the hospital. I want to continue to hear autumn leaves wrestling while mimicking the sound of rain. I want to experience the changing of four seasons for sixty-something more years. I want to look in the mirror and see the best of me that no other person will ever see. I want to meet strangers and give them a smile to take with them. I want to continue to want things that money can’t buy. I want to stop the urgency of hurt in others and let them know that they are not alone.
Life is truly a bitch at times, but we get this incredible opportunity to make it whatever we want. This is our home. This is my home. Mass consciousness carries energy and it’s time to alter the negative vibes and make them positive ones.
I have become little in my “knowing” while constantly being bombarded by my guides and the remnants of passing souls on a day-to-day basis. It’s not easy to live among the living and still have a foot firmly planted through the veils of reality. I returned from that other dimension with a keen awareness of the miracle of consciousness. There is no description that can do justice to the world outside of this physical one.
Even all these years later I try to make sense of my need to go home when I see beauty unfolding as I did this morning. I continue to struggle with fitting in my body while feeling comfortable in my skin and those around me. I have this achy feeling of not belonging in this reality where the complaints outweigh the contentment in humanity. I haven’t a clue of what I want, as I used to, for so long in my life. There is no grounding until we wake up as spiritual beings. I feel that clearly nudging at me through meditation. There are people truly battling the claws of death through illnesses and they are holding on to life with passion (sometimes through fear). I am blessed to have a chance to stay here and breathe one more day.
We, in this human form, waste so much precious time expecting others to make us happy, tell us what we need and should do, and give us a reason to wake every morning. We live with constant stress of perfection that doesn’t exist. We want to know without having to walk the path. There’s no way! It’s better to live with the wisdom of experience, the open heart of love and the in-between world of accepting that we are spiritual beings having a human experience. It’s okay. It is in that world that, I guess, I find home time and time again. The sadness comes and goes. Joy and grace visit just as often. I will continue to move through this world holding tightly to what I do know is true for me.
As I type this I am witnessing the essence of earth dancing outside. This is the quietude of presence that assures me that what’s to come is beyond anything I could imagine. It’s in that anticipation that the willingness to continue spoils me and brings me joy. Won’t you meet me there? Grab a hold of your truth and let it evolve into the best you there will ever be. Your thoughts are ripples in the waves of mass consciousness. Together we will make this place home!
There is an urgency for connection with each other. These are not easy times. We are on the edge of greatness and chaos. It’s up to us to change how the journey will end. We are the present and the future. There are folks losing their jobs, their homes, and families. There are others sitting alone in a hospital room watching a loved one fight for their lives. While some others are in the petty claws of political and religious arguments on social media…life is happening out there. Life is happening in here. Life is a series of ongoing movements and motions reminding us that we get to pick the perception and reaction. I don’t know why bad things happen. I don’t know why anything happens. I would like to believe it’s for the evolution of our higher self. I would like to believe it’s part of a larger design. Who truly knows at this point? I have to be led by faith and that onset programming of a higher body of spirit guiding me.
What I do know is that we need one another. We need tribes of people who raise and join us in our causes and dreams. We need love. We need to know that we aren’t alone in the path of obstacles and challenges. We need to get out of our own head space and truly feel the vibration of another who is part of the overall mass consciousness shifting for a better world. People enter your life for various reasons. They might not stay forever. They might just be passing by. But, their presence exists for a reason. Sometimes they appear to mirror the things you need to work on, and other times to enhance your greatness. When we hurt, we end up hurting another and vice versa. We are not perfect and tribes help us see this truth.
We are made to run in packs like wolves while watching each others’ backs. We need tribes and warriors in our lives to bare our vulnerability, hurts, and passions. We need to gather in moments of weakness and pain. We have to rejoice in moments of joy and love. When one person is in danger of overexposure and breakdowns we need someone to hold us up. If you don’t have this then you need to find your tribe because you aren’t meant to be alone carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders. We are all connected in this place by a thread of humanity through love. Do not let ego tell you that you do not need anyone. It’s magnificent to feel the sense of unity even from thousands of miles away. And, yes, it’s heartbreaking when the tribe challenges and changes over time. It feels like you won’t find another. You will. We are always learning who we are through the revolving door of people and relationships.
Those who say, “I don’t need anyone. I am okay alone. Having friends requires too much work.” These folks put up a wall around them and then wonder why they are unhappy, why they aren’t given intimate attention, and why they can’t connect? You will always get what you desire…especially if it’s negative. Whenever I hear these statements I am truly happy and sad for that person. I am happy that they feel content, but I am sad that they are missing out in the beauty of having others support and love them. We are the sum of our experiences. We are legends because of each triumph, failure, obstacle, success and connections with one another. We are not meant to be alone in our grief or losses. We hold communities, families and the world with connection. Humanity wants to be heard. We require the sharing of stories, the acknowledgment for our lives, and love without judgment through listening. This is who we are. There’s an urgency to be accepted, approved, and recognized. There’s an ache to be understood in a time that things are misinterpreted through the greatness of technology.
Hold a friend’s hand in need. Hug your lover as if it was the last time. Kiss those kids tightly. Smile at a stranger. Open doors for an elderly person. Compliment a cashier. Delete the toxic folks out of your life. If they don’t raise you then they have taught you something. It’s time to move on. You will hurt, break and then reconnect with those parts of yourself and others that need more growth. Use your energy wisely. Get out of your head and lovingly give to another who needs to feel that the illusion of loneliness is not drowning their existence. It matters. It all matters to that one human who is struggling with life. Stop the craziness of self doubt and anxiety because there is no way you leave this life alive. Find your tribe and be grateful for them. When we share among others we see that we are not alone in our stories. Everyone is experiencing something similar. Stopping ourselves from reaching out (because of fear, shame, and embarrassment) is an injustice to our spirits. Loneliness, sadness, despair, and so much more are compositions to our journeys but we can still reach out with our love and feel the comfort of another holding us up. We need strong tribes to keep moving through life. You are not alone unless you consciously choose to be. Open your heart…your tribe is waiting for you!
“To find our tribe means finding people we can learn from, people who are better at some things than we are, people who have something to teach. We say we want it, but how many of us fear being a beginner more than loneliness and much more than being in the wrong crowd? There is a strange comfort, a sense of safety, to suffering and loneliness. To be happy, to find our family, we must be willing to let that go.” ~Vironika Tugaleva
I have in my possession a few things older than me: my grandmother’s Italian espresso maker, her wedding dishes from Germany, an original Geisha Japanese doll from a century ago, and photo slides of times before I was even conceived. I am sure there are other items in my care that are older than my human 47 years. But, the oldest thing that I have is my soul. It is ageless. It has arrived here willingly accepting the ignorant, stubborn, difficult, and silliness of my humanness to travel in this incarnation. This soul has decided to witness the manipulations, rejections, and lessons of my personality while sitting back and waiting for me to acknowledge truth. This soul has guided me in moments that I felt were my last, and in other moments that have birthed me with new knowledge and awareness. Because of this I know my soul is ageless, timeless and priceless.
Whenever I look at my hands they feel like the oldest things I own because of the wear and tear they have endured. They have touched, caressed, and loved deeply. But, still they aren’t the oldest things in me. My soul knows secrets that go beyond my age and experiences. When I allow the openness to lead the way, magic is created. That’s intuition! It happens through synchronicity and serendipity…or is it a prearranged destiny that I am finally aligning to it?
We arrive into this world with amnesia. We forget the reason we are here and what needs to be done. We travel unconscious and erratic while waiting for someone to explain the meaning of our lives. When we begin to honor the authenticity of spirit the soul starts to show us truth. We begin to meet the teachers along the way. Events, circumstances and the depth of life proceed to show us the reason for our existence. It doesn’t happen quickly. It arrives through small moments, conversations, listening and tasting the simple things around us. It comes through the whispers of prayer, meditation and creativity.
Whether you believe in past lives, reincarnation, or other metaphysical subjects, there is an understanding that our souls are much older than our bodies. I know things that make no sense to me. I have no clue where the information has arrived into my brain. And, because I sometimes have little filtering the words shoot out before I can analyze and retrieve them. This is when I witness firsthand the vastness of my soul, the ageless miracle of spirit. The unknown makes its presence known and connects to another soul. It is mystical!
Have you thought about the age of your soul: the weight of its knowledge; the size of its information; the connections to those around you; the lessons it wants to teach you? They are beautiful and awed-stricken thoughts. If, and when, we let go of the idea that we have control, the soul flourishes. It blossoms and appreciates the awareness of ego finally letting go. It teaches you faith, belief, hope, and grace. Your soul, my soul, every soul, is here to learn, love, and experience life to the fullest. It comes in with obliviousness and slowly starts to remember its purpose through the whispers of the heart. We begin to remember what we were programmed to forget through society. Surrender to your yearning. Listen closely. Be present. Follow your intuition. It is there that the soul smiles and claims its presence while guiding you to the greatness of your evolution.
“Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard.” ~ Anne Sexton
When my mother was dying she came to visit for a few weeks. She lived with my sisters in South Florida and I lived in Orlando. My mother’s health had deteriorated significantly in a matter of six months. Cancer was eating at her through every cell and pore of her existence. It (the cancer) became the focus of everything. She was waiting on death to finally take her. She had stopped taking her medicine and refused to eat. I began to see my mother as a little girl needing the support of others. It was in those final hours leading to her death that I learned what it was to hold space for another. It was then that I realized the frailty of life and all we take for granted.
Holding space for someone who is sick or dying is about walking along their side without judgment, not making them feel inadequate and allowing their essence to feel free to just be. My mother taught me many things about our relationship those last few weeks of her life. I had to offer unconditional support with patience and a sacredness that didn’t come easy at times. I had to step back and remember integrity and dignity of a dying person. We only want to be heard…to the last dying breath. Her need to always control all situations had diminished. What was left in its place was humility and the acceptance that she was frail and vulnerable. She was afraid. She was resentful at times. But, most of all she wanted to feel loved no matter how hard she pushed.
There are times we find that holding space is truly the only thing we can do for another. This time was about allowing her to just be ever present without trying to fix anything. I was reminded recently of these memories when I visited one of my clients at a facility. Now under hospice care, she just needed to have me there even while not knowing who I am. She just needed me to hold her hand and touch her. My mother craved for this caress in the end of her life, but her pain from cancer was unbearable. She would reach out in the silence of the room to just acknowledge her presence. With each hand touched it was as if she was saying, “Sweetheart, I am still here. Do you see me? Do you feel me? Don’t forget me!”
The act of holding sacred space is important in all relationships. Children need this time to know they are being loved and cared for unconditional. Lovers require this cherished time to show their union. Even pets provide the perfect cues for this sacredness. We are in need of these sanctified moments that express in silence to another, “I am here for you. There is nothing to do. I see you. I feel you. I acknowledge your life.”
You matter. He matters. She matters. Our presence is all that connects us to God. Holding space is about being present without distractions and allowing another to feel Divinity through the eyes of your love.
There are amazing mysteries in our universe: the great pyramids, the Mayan calendar, the conscious mind, the cosmos, the beginning of time, the big bang theory, UFO’s, and the spiritual world whose veil is thinning with acceleration of these times.
These great mysteries aren’t meant to be solved. They are as apparent as love out there in the world to ponder and accept. We are constantly trying to solve the miracles of life. But, some things aren’t meant to have specific reasoning. Miracles happen every day. (I, for one, thrive on them while searching for every possible sign that they are happening around me). We are born out of an extraordinary phenomenon. We survive illnesses, near-death experiences, and so many heart aches. We come out from difficult situations and have no explanation for them…except that something larger than ourselves intervened. This is the miracle. The mysteries of our existence lie in the knowing that there is something so much greater than reasoning. It is that knowing that gets us through the difficult times. Some call it Christ, Buddha, Shiva, God, the Divine, the Great Goddess, Mother, the Holy Mother, etc. There are millions of names and expressions for this mystery in our existence.
I have stopped looking for that which cannot be understood. I have learned to accept things as they come. There is no lack of anxiety or disappointment in what I want and what is. There is no lack of worrying at times for what cannot be understood. It is what it is. However, what I have learned with the hard knocks of life is that in the end I have no control of what will happen. I am always joyfully surprised with how things appear. There is no perfect planning…only perfect timing.
Two nights ago I sat outside watching the meteor showers. Falling or shooting stars adorned the clear night sky. It was beautiful. Each time I witnessed a quick one fall I would gasp. Such quick simplicity! It was precious. I made a lot of wishes upon those stars. As I went to bed I said my prayers to the greatest mystery of all…God. We are so fortunate to be living in these times. Each moment is a complete unsolved mystical twinkle in time. Relish in it! Dive into the moments with awesome-driven excitement. The best is always yet to come. Have a mysteriously wonderful day!
I sat drinking coffee alone in the hotel lobby Sunday morning waiting for Matt to finish getting dress. A man about my age says, “Hello!” I look up and return it with a smile. He grabs a cup of coffee as I continue to read my book. He asks, “Rough night?” I answer, “Excuse me? I am on my honeymoon… I had a fabulous night.”
“Oh, congratulations…because of all the glitter in your hair I thought you had been partying.” He says pointing at my head.
“Nah…that’s been there for a while.”
“You have tinsel in your hair and it’s been there for a while?” He asks a bit confused.
“Yeah, it’s fairy hair.”
“What? Fairy hair? But your hair has a lot of other colors too.” He gets closer and sees the blue…
“Are you a hairdresser?”
“Nope…just love my hair to be lively like my personality.”
“Why?” he asks confuse.
This took him aback.
He kept on walking to get food and returned. “Yes, why not? Why are we so rigid, right? Why do we complicate things? I’ve never seen anyone with fairy hair. You are unique, huh?”
I smile without moving from my seat, still holding the book in my hands. “Why NOT are powerful words. They are filled with endless possibilities, not just for hair color or fairy tinsel…but for everything.”
He steps back, smiles…then laughs and thanks me. He leaves with his three kids back up to the elevator. I continue to remember the many “why not’s” that have changed my life. I reminisce over the thousands of choices that those two words have catapult me into new adventures.
We live in a society stuck on perceptions and ideas of what is expected to fit in. When you meet someone who isn’t conforming to the “normal standards” there is immediate judgment. Judgment cannot exist if there is compassion. All it takes is one person to be kind in the midst of a moment of a possible critique. It’s that simple. With a kind smile and a “why not” we say yes to all that the world is used to saying no to….and that’s all that we can give another. Each person is filled with a million “why not’s” that can transform a day, a year and a lifetime. Try it! It’s liberating….!
Yesterday, our little girl who is 21 months old went to look through the glass doors of our living room. She was mumbling something with some “Ahhh’s” and some other toddler words we can’t decipher. She stood there looking at all the falling leaves and bright colors. My husband and I just stared at her sweet reaction as she held on to some toys while her face touched the glass. Matt then said something so profound that I made him repeat it several times so I could write it down, “A window to a little kid must be like a magical force field.”
The world to us is a giant window. It’s how we look and how we perceive that creates our reality. Some see the glass half empty. Others see the glass half full. The reality is that the glass has whatever we perceive it has in it. In your state of wonder, you get to envision whatever you want to create from that perception.
How does a child perceive the world? How does she analyze everything revolving her? She doesn’t think in large analytical terms. She lives in the now. The magical force field is constantly happening around her. The television she watches is magical. The dog is magical. The spoon making engine noises coming to her mouth with food is magical. Mommy’s and daddy’s kisses are magical. Mommy can kiss a booboo and the pain disappears. Daddy can hold her on his shoulders and she’s flying. A song on a lap becomes a giant playground. The world is seen through fresh eyes. When do we lose this? When do we stop seeing the magic in everything? Why? Why do you think we stop…? Because others have told us that we need to grow up as if growing up was something fun. NOT! No more tutus or wands…no more Star Wars toys…no more anything that can enlighten us with child play. Adulthood has too many rules and we forget to entertain the little girl or boy in our spirits.
I want you to do yourself a favor today. I want you to return to your childlike qualities for 5 minutes or however long you can stay there. Get a stick and dig in the soil. Get dirty. Jump on a puddle. Sing out loud in front of a mirror while holding a brush to your mouth. Jump on a bed. Talk to a stranger and make them laugh with silly gestures. Get yourself back to whatever you need to return in order to see the magical force field around you. It is in that place that you will find the Divine smiling. Create! Play! Laugh! And most of all don’t ever forget the desires of the kid in you. It’s that child that came into this world believing. It’s that kid that didn’t question the mystical and enchanting forces around him/her. Return to her/him with gratitude and you will once again see the magic of all that’s around you. How you view the world determines how well you live it. BE a child in a state of wonder and you will see the magic in others. Live in gratitude…see the world through the eyes of a child. It’s mesmerizing. I promise your Spirit will thank you with an openness to love and joy. In some wise words: May the force be with you…always!
There is something mystical happening in the past few nights. Actually, it has been happening for weeks now. I don’t quite know how to describe it. I don’t feed into fear, or the theories of what’s shifting and what’s not. I don’t buy into what anyone says will happen in September. I am not a prophet. What I am is a highly sensitive, highly conscious spiritual being participating in this human experience. Because I came in with such sensitivity (and sense of wonder) I am aware of the eternal and external world that others don’t bother to see. It’s not that I have any powers. I just sit and listen. I have been sitting in silence for many years through meditation and contemplation. If you sit long enough to leave your head space you, too, can feel this shifting that is passively expanding with love and beauty.
The earth is opening up with a huge hug and embracing us….let’s join her in this place of compassion. There’s extraordinary multi-dimensions at our finger tips. An open minded consciousness is all that’s needed to see. All those entities that occupy space here (and there are many of all forms, shapes, sizes and destinations) are trying to find a middle ground to inhabit without violence. We need peace. We require harmony. We must shift into this awareness because w are connected via breath. We don’t always need to agree. We don’t need to know each other. We just need to share this blue-green dot in the universe that is infinitely bringing us together in its real estate. Sending love to you all and wishing you a delightful summer weekend. Shift your thoughts so you can feel the magic of all that you were created to remember. Remember? Recall your purpose here….it’s always a thought away! This is the magic of moments.