A New Dawn

dawn

Finally having settled into a new home, I feel the nudges of dreams rattling me up with excitement. It’s been months since I could figure out what I am to do with this new chapter of my life. Closing down the retreat center was also shutting down many aspirations until a few days ago when I realized that the experience catapult me into the place I am now: a new dawn of mysticism.

I understand what it is to put up a front. I also understand what it feels like to know there’s something more to the present circumstances when life seems to be dragging you down. I am very good at hiding hurt for a long time. I shove disappointments into some chamber in my heart. I allow for things to settle and then…I open the chamber and sit with those emotions until I am spent. This is where decisions of truth come out and dictate what is best for me. Until I am ready to clean out and make peace I choose not to make major decisions. One bad day does not constitute a bad life. One bad year does not create a bad future. It is through vulnerability and nakedness that power is born. We have no choice but to go up and about while releasing those things through self-forgiveness. You cannot blame another for the choices you make. I participate in every action and reaction of my life. This period of time with uncertainty has finally concluded. I feel change knocking at the door and it feels good. I have forgotten to just breathe and let go. I have been holding my breath for so long that my insides feel stale at times. And, that’s the thing, somehow we forget to surrender. We forget that this moment will pass and that it’s all an illusion. Emotions are tangible equations that can hurt or enhance. It’s all in how you use them.

When we are in a depression, embraced by anger and disappointments, we forget to just let go completely. It’s easier to hold on to what you know. Familiarity seems comfortable but it isn’t. Often times we don’t allow ourselves the break of just being. Things will work out. They always do, with or without our acknowledgment. We all struggle through these economic times, personal losses, and the hardships of parenthood and adulthood. Many of us have to be stripped of everything materialistic in order to allow the ego to shut up. It is during drastic changes that souls rise to the occasion. We get an opportunity to witness strength and faith in character. We get to live by integrity while pulling on our truth to lead the way. We become vulnerable and available to Spirit for guidance. I have had several moments in the past eighteen months when I have doubted my own professional and personal path. “What am I doing here? What am I suppose to be doing? How can I contribute to my life? How can I live a purpose-passionate-driven life doing what I enjoy so much?” I have nothing but a million words…oh, the questions and answers move around in an infinite vortex. Then, through a shift in perception or move of location…the magic begins to happen. The veil lifts and I see all that is there for the taking. Nothing has changed except my attitude. Freedom is not a physical entity that appears like trying to exit a prison cell. Freedom is the acceptance of all that is happening and still choosing to move through with grace. It is about realizing that your perception created the prison cell. There are no bars but those you put around you to stop you from leaving the comfort zone.

This morning as I write from my desk while looking out to the beautiful creek, I feel gratitude. Change is never easy. Change requires trust. I am watching the icy grounds, the sun melting the droplets from the trees, and enjoying the quietness of a winter mountain morning. I am able to feel distance and closure without the ache that follows some days. I also know not to control or shut down those emotions when they rise. I have no plans at this very moment. I am cutting myself slack for the constant need to do something productive. I don’t have to know the answers to my life this very minute. I don’t have to know what will happen tomorrow. It’s in this nakedness of nothing and acceptance that I can enjoy today. It feels like it’s been forever since I have had a moment like this.

For the first time in months I am sleeping peacefully. I am falling asleep and staying in dreamland throughout the night. This new dawn brings with it freedom. It brings an awareness of allowance and manifesting. It holds nothing back. I am forever grateful for every single lesson that the retreat center brought to me. Every single person was a gift. Every moment of joy and sadness has been an instruction in the evolution of my character. The growth has been incredible. I am forever grateful for a dear friend who taught me so many powerful lessons. I am forever touched by the changes and the newness that pushed me right here, right now, and continue to show me the path. Even through the unlikely events that brought me here it’s been an honor to have lived 5-1/2 years in a sanctuary of mystical enhancements. I would not change a single moment of it’s humble teachings.  My humility and humanness have been affected for life. The heart has opened up in miraculous ways while showing me authentic self.

Give yourself permission to not have all the answers. Give yourself the time to just be. Make time to meditate and reach the level of passion for the life you want. You have been placed on this earth for greatness…no matter what you do make it great. You are not here just to pay bills and die. You are here to glitter and shine while enriching your soul with love…and then transcending that joy unto another.

Awakening to the Essence of Love

awakening

I have been walking a spiritual path for some time now.  It is not always easy to walk on faith without being able to see the end result.  Some time ago when I left my “old life” of the city to move to the mountains of North Carolina, I felt a shift in consciousness. I awoke through unconditional love and forgiving myself for the choices I made in the past.  I began to hold myself accountable for those lessons and experiences rather than blaming others.  Once I forgave myself it was easy to forgive those characters who played in my stories.

I consciously made a clear intention that I was going to embrace the love for life.  Awakening, to me, is just the allowance of being present in the evolution of life.  There is nothing more or less to it.  It is about being present through the journey. We are to wake up and expect nothing.  That is the beauty in it and the simplicity of allowance.  We hear about waking up or enlightenment and think we will walk on water or fly on air.  The reality of waking is to exceed the dream state, the matrix of expectation.  One sees the world as it is, not how our perception creates it.  Things just are.  The dream dematerializes, vanishing into sleep.  The illusion of control, law and science melts because life just is.  This moment is the only thing available.  There is no need for fear because all there is has been presented to you.  Because there is no past and no future, life exists as the path on a mystical journey.

Awakening is relinquishing ego and fully understanding what the great masters understood.  No thought can go beyond here.  No thought can go back.  One lives the texture, minute, tastes, smells and words in the experience of the moment.  That’s the enchantment of awakening to a life of Spirit.  It is never easy to walk on faith.  There is a “knowing” in the process of releasing all.  This knowing is the direct alignment of presence.  It is the direct voice of God and Spirit guiding you without anxiety, apprehension, ignorance, doubt and fear.  Those emotions vanish.  In waking they can’t exist because there is no need to control the future, or regrets in changing the past.  One arrives to this moment via the Karmic train of letting the universe guide you through your highest consciousness.

We interpret faith as a release and an allowance of quantum energy not seen, not known, but allowed.  Awakening is not work.  It is the opposite of resistance.  It is not manipulation.  No one can translate it and try to teach “awakening.”  That’s ego teaching.  Spirit can guide you but can’t physically show you.  When one is ready one travels and awakes at the perfect moment. This might be as a child, an adult or on the last breath in this life.  “Letting go, and letting God” is the perfect example of this theory.   I believe that through daily spiritual practice, whether it is through meditation, prayer, yoga, hiking, writing (to name a few), the process of authentic truth arrives.  It is then that the awareness of the NOW becomes the awakening catalyst.

Complications and situations in our lives are the components of our humanity.  Humanness is weaved between reality and the esoteric world.  We are all interconnected.  The one way to release our perception is to completely let go from the heart.  Love is all there is.  Allowing the love to flow through life will present a vacated spot inside where there was once emptiness.  That’s another part of the awakening process: allowing love to unite each person.  No hurt can exist when there is only love.  There is no emptiness to fill if there is no desire to exceed wants and needs.  Expectation is the ego’s way of assuming control.

Awakening doesn’t require you to withdraw from the world.  It requires you to withdraw from your ego.  Once awakened you don’t need to avoid humanity.  One becomes even more compassionate without the ratifications of others to penetrate.  One cannot stop ignoring divinity inside which is your essence moving outward.  This is the gift of awakening.  It is a choice.  It is freewill.  It will come if one renounces the old paradigms and beliefs.  Stopping the presence of love is the state one lives in when not awakened.  Love is not to be held, controlled or withheld.  It is the ongoing energy of the universe.  It is all there is.  There is no need to go to a monastery, or escape the real world to reach this state of openness.  Ultimately the only reason we have been placed on this beautiful planet is to live, love and learn from one another.  And, this is perhaps the truth in fully awakening through love.

Stopping the Drama

drama2

I woke this morning sick of my stories, the drama I repeat, and the never ending struggle to find peace among the storms that are not real but living in my little head. It’s sickening. This BEing and just allowing is not for sissies. No one said that the spiritual walk was meant to BE a brisk-cool walk in the park! It takes massive amount of discipline and I don’t follow orders very well…even when it’s from the esoteric world. So…I got up…did my meditation…had to stop right in the middle and said, “F*@k this crap! I can do this. I have manifested incredible experiences in this lifetime. I can let this go and move on without this struggle. This is my own ego creating this shit! I am more than this scene, this stage, and this production!!!”  I got up from the sofa, went outside in the cool morning, saluted the four winds and now feel like I can keep going without this intense production that hasn’t aired in any stage but mine.

We have the complete capacity and power to change our thoughts. In those moments I feel the swirl of energy directing me into joy, faith, and love. The heart opens up when I let go of the toxic stories I retell myself. I release shame, guilt and any freaking resentment that has been attached to those one-woman acts. It’s just a shift in perception. I promise.

Sitting with a friend yesterday she said, “I wish I knew what I don’t know!” It’s amazing how those words have stuck out even throughout the night. We have a knowing and certainty at times that guides us into the most amazing places. At other times the same knowing tells us that we are missing something that we should know but we cannot reach it. It’s frustrating. Our humanness battles with divinity and spiritual processing. It’s a constant battle of patience and expectation. But, when that feeling comes up I am aware I have to remember that God is in charged. I have to believe that if I follow synchronicity and make no rash decisions I will be better than okay. I keep my mantra, “Okay, God, this or better!”

Aren’t you sick of your same old stories, drama, struggles, and total bullshit (because it is just crap)? Then change the channel…tune into the mass consciousness of love…for you and the world. Get out of your head. Get out of your way…you got this! Onward and outward, darlings….take one breath at a time and move through your knowing. I like to believe wholeheartedly that mysticism is birthed in those in between moments of not knowing what I should know. It’s in those moments like this morning when I declare enough of the same insanity and drama.  I am always cradled in spirit. I see the first step onto the dark stairwell…the rest is moving through blinded faith.

Losing and Missing

Not everything
that’s missing
Is lost.

Things fall and break,
Shift and take,
bounce and stay

Like memories,
Love,
And life.

Not everything that’s lost
Gets missed

Like bad memories,
Resentments,
Remorse,
Nostalgia
And heartache.

But losing and missing
The ability to let go,
To profoundly love,
To experience no regrets —
That’s avoiding
To live fully in the NOW.

20120419-150529.jpg

You are brave

courage

I see courage and vulnerability every day. It passes by me in the supermarket aisle wearing a thin smile without a wig while holding a child. It holds a sign at the traffic light asking for money or shelter after serving this great nation. It has sat next to me at a doctor’s office quietly waiting for answers. It is the voice from a loved one saying that her mate passed on after a long battle with cancer. It is the child who has no parents and has been in foster care for years waiting for a family. I have visited with heroes and bravery from all walks of life whose tears leave scars as they fall down their cheeks. We are all brave and courageous. Each breath in life is a step full of courage. We are here surviving this race of humanity. Be kinder to one another. Open your heart to all that’s around you. Who cares what your political or religious beliefs are because in the end that matters to no one. The sick need love. The hurt need a shoulder. The test here is true empathy to one another without expectation. And…you need to remember that you are not alone in this fight for life. One day you are on top and another you are holding for dear life. Struggles are all part of our lessons. Whether you are black, white,yellow, gay, straight, Democrat, Republican, Christian, Jewish, or a non-believer you will find yourself battling in this journey. You are not exempt from obstacles or challenges. You are not exempt from surviving or just merely existing. No one leaves here alive!

I am often asked what church I attend on Sundays. My answer is the church of nature and humanity. I don’t need to enter a temple to hear about God when all I do is see God walking around everywhere in each soul who passes me. We forget to look outside of the walls, the box, and truly notice the world. What good is entering sacredness for an hour one day a week to then turn away from every test the Divine places in my path? Nothing HUGE has to happen to be brave. Nothing extraordinary needs to shift in order to be vulnerable. Just getting up is a battle at times that requires every cell to remind us that we matter. So as you enter this Sunday morning with your beliefs, religious theologies and prayers please think of all those who have nothing but their own beliefs that they are making. Be brave enough to know that you aren’t alone. I love you. I love you because you and I are in this together no matter what! My arms are open to hold your struggle in thoughts and prayers from any place.

The Sound of Silence

263764_454108351314695_86416727_n

Silence is the language God speaks, and everything else is a bad translation.” – Father Thomas Keating

As I write this I sit on my sofa listening to the birds chirping outside. The silence of my house echoes through and through me. The gift of time for myself. Spring and summer are hectic times here. Family and friends gather, and guests are everywhere. I love this time. But, I also love solitude and quietness. Our Great Dane is on his bed near me, every so often picking up his head and letting me know that at some point we must venture outside. His deep sighs remind me to take my own deep breaths. It rained last night and the smell of the earth’s nectar has been intoxicated. There is life pumping outside and inside of me. I can hear the sound of life everywhere.

I spent a large portion of my life being awaken each morning to chaos. If it wasn’t the yelling of fear in my own head then it was the external noises of someone who had no peace and had to wake the house up whenever he was up. It was a time of complete mayhem with kids running around and schedules that needed to be met. Time didn’t seem to be relevant to anyone. I have spent the last few years of my life waking up to peace in these mountains. I open my eyes, say my prayers, light candles and sit in silence for a little bit. I go with the rhythm of the morning. I need this space, solitude, and grounding. I need to hear God in those initial moments of returning to this world from the dream state. Anything else, just like the above quote, is a horrible translation for me. And, I know this is ironic: I am a chatterbox during the day. I will make conversation with anyone or anything. I have been known to talk to the trees, the fish, and the rocks. But, my mornings are sacred. I need to go to the windows and look outside and see how the day will receive me. I need to breathe in the entrance of daylight. I require serenity in those first moments of entering a new day with gratitude for still being able to walk the journey. I need to breathe in deeply and let my spirit know that I am grateful for everything.

As I continue to write this I can hear the rattling of leaves with the wind. The frogs are active around the pond, the fist are circling waiting to be fed, and the sun is ready to burst light in this entire valley.  It is a beautiful mountain morning. I am blessed for so many things, but especially the silence of my spirit as I hear God loud and clear. I can’t understand how so many folks avoid this with music and television and the constant distraction of chit-chat inside of their heads. I cannot comprehend how anyone moves into a new day without listening to the voice of quietude before the rest of the loved ones wake. How can you recharge? How can you allow for the Divine to speak? I can’t imagine day in and day out avoiding this peace for the mind, body and spirit. Once you’ve tasted peace it is very difficult to avoid it.

May you allow inner guidance to bring you to a place of silence each day so you can touch the Divine. May you take notice that you are here on borrowed time and make that time count. Open your heart and let love guide you through this spiritual journey into the unknown. It is there that you will find truth, grace and faith. Make it a practice to allow your soul and physical body some sacred moments of peace. You will marvel at the changes in your life. Have a great one!

Stop Thinking Big

11310914_10153328688688739_103847743_nA guest looked at my fingernails and noticed that they were all different colors yesterday.  She laughed and said, “I wish I could do that!”  I looked at her with bewilderment.  “Why can’t you?  At least do your toes, no one can see them!”  She said she just “wasn’t so bold.”  I laughed so hard I almost peed in my pants as she said, “Someday when I retire…..”  There lies the anticipated expectation of the future changing everything when one cannot accept that time is an illusion and all we have is NOW.

What are you waiting for?  What’s stopping you from moving forward?  Sometimes the obstacle is the problem.  Your mind will create just about anything to stop you from letting go.  Most of us have an all-or-nothing attitude.  So we wait for a loved one to move out.  We dream of the moment we retire or hit the lotto. We won’t take time here and there to block for ourselves.  We don’t make a plan to start saving for a big trip therefore we don’t even think about it. What’s stopping you from taking a 2 hour adventure to another city near you?  STOP thinking so darn BIG.  Start small!  I used to say, “Oh, when the last child moves out I am running away to the mountains and writing.”  The way I collect kids I would never move.  Lord!  I would be 90 years old living in a giant shoe.

This afternoon, while on a day off with my fiance, I asked him if he thought I was eccentric? He laughed and said that my picture was next to the word, and that’s why he loves me. He loves and admires the goofy side of being a hippie-carefree-unicorn-riding woman who dances to her own music. He truly cheers me on when I leave any form of normal living.  I am blessed because of this freedom to tap into my creative genes and play…truly laugh at myself.  I wasn’t always like this. It has taken years of re-programming and deleting old self-worth issues.  So, in my mind I don’t see the eccentricity but I do declare the joy of living in the moment.  I am truly spontaneous.

Start tiny in your thoughts and carve out your precious time.  Don’t wait till Someday.  Someday is a fairytale.  Don’t wait for tomorrow.  Start now.  You know 906766_608957632496432_91115726_owhat keeps a person young?  You don’t?  Well, that should be your first order of business…go search for the fountain of youth in you!  Be courageous with your truth.  Speak it.  Taste it. Smell it….and go do what makes you happy.  There is no excuse but the one you continue to tell yourself.  Go get coffee alone today.  Wear an outrageous tutu and tiara.  Get that small tattoo you have desired for years.  Check out the local Humane Society and visit the puppies. Tomorrow paint your nails in different colors.  Take a scenic road you’ve never taken. Learn an exotic word a day.  Go play in the dirt.  Get some crayons and a coloring book. GO HAVE FUN TODAY or Tomorrow!!!!!  Don’t wait for another person to fill your needs. Forgive yourself for not putting your own self in first place.  Your happiness is priority! YOU GOT THIS! Make life count for you.  The time is NOW!

Magic in April

tulips

April is a significant month for me. It’s not only my birthday month but it was also the month my mother passed on. It’s also the month I met my fiance. It’s a time for spring and renewal. April always brings with it joy and some sadness. I look forward to everything blooming, Easter, spring showers, critters serenading throughout the night, and days that smell of fantasy and possibilities. I don’t know what it is about mid-April mornings. They smell sweet, sincere, and full of desire. The days get a bit longer, the mornings sing a gentler tone, and I am always transported back somewhere in time to a place of sacredness. Yes, this month is a time of celebration and release. Winter is finally gone, taxes are completed, and we can move through the rest of the year with color and vibrancy!

Many of the trees up on this mountain have buds. Growth is finally here. They are shimmering with the longing for rebirth. April does that to me. It brings me back to birth. It recites words in the darkness which later become stories in the day time. Poets and artists are born in this time of change and chances. The world seems to renew it’s mystical powers. The magic of the earth comes alive for me. I rejoice in these 30 days without taking a single one for granted. April is a lovely friend who stops by every year and allows me to return to a place of childhood. I renew my outdoor desire to enter the woods and climb these mountains.

On this beautiful morning may you find that sense of hope, faith and rebirth. May you accept the ebb of the season with softness and a sense of adventure. This is a time to truly release all that winter has forced you to endure by letting go and moving forward to another time full of dreams. Switch out the wardrobe, take out those sandals, polish your toe nails, and let the sun start taking you places that comfort you. Ah, can you feel it? That’s the place of love, nature, and Divinity.

Crap Happens Every Single Day

screws us

Things happen every day: the car broke down; I got to work late; I woke up feeling sick; I looked at my bank account and it’s overdrawn and I don’t know what happened; I think my husband is having an affair; etc….  There are millions of scenarios for every second of every day.  I am learning from every experience that the greatest part of happiness, suffering, joy, and all other emotions is dependent on the perception and disposition of how we relate to issues. It isn’t based on our circumstances or events or what seems to be happening when it all goes to hell in a hand basket. It is all based on how we relate to the situations. We get to choose to be stagnant or move forward.

Crap happens and it stinks big time. It happens to each one of us.  Heck, it happens to animals.  Ever watched a show on Discovery on how some animals in the jungle get to eat one day and not again for several weeks?  They can’t catch a break.  But, they don’t sit dwelling on what the hell is happening?  They keep moving forward in order to survive.  That’s all there is to it. If we allow the discomfort to set in and stay in that space then we are living on a reaction rather than shifting our perception. A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. It’s just a bad moment. In two minutes a phone call from a friend can alter that disappointment. You don’t have to reside in the negativity.  You have choices and the conscious decision to move past the negativity is also a learned behavior.  It’s not easy at first because we’ve been programmed to live in a woe-is-me state.

There are days that have themes. Today’s theme seems to be “moving on.”  We all have twists to our stories believing that we cannot do something because of timing. This afternoon I was changing a dirty diaper when a thought appeared: What dirty diaper are you in need of changing that keeps stinking up your life? Think about that and be honest with what is stagnant and stopping you from really moving forward whether it’s materialistic, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. The moment you stop waiting on someone else to come change you, you will be free. What’s stinking your life that needs major changes? It’s all a matter of how present and honest we are with our stories.  It takes the courage to get past the idea that we have control of our lives.

There is a point in your journey that you must truly take accountability for who you are. What will it take to remove the stink out of your life or will you continue to sit with it and pretend it’s not there? I don’t know about you, but unlike the elephant in the room, a dirty diaper can’t be ignored for too long…!

Pulling Roots

pulling roots

I did yard work today. The weather has been phenomenal. I am a person who needs to be outdoors. I think this is why I suffer through the winter. It’s amazing the things that come up with every bending, pulling and raking. It’s complete therapy for the mind, body and spirit. Something came up this morning. Well, a few things came up as I was trying to pull a root that wouldn’t budge. “Who are you going to blame for your story?”

What the hell? I thought. Where did that come from? It’s amazing how we project onto others what is deep rooted inside of us. It’s in us but we choose to castigate and accuse another for the participation of our drama and stories. Who will it be? Is the rapist from years ago, or your parents, or your abusive relationship, or your boss, or the stranger who treated you unkindly, or your children? Who will you choose to slander and prosecute without acknowledging your involvement and choices? How many times will continue retelling the same story to feed your ego? You are worth freedom and your thoughts are the keepers to a lifetime of imprisonment.

It’s easy to blame others. It’s better if we can point the finger and judge someone else for our mistakes. It’s a deep rooted vine that keeps traveling everywhere because we allow it to go wild. It’s just like Kudzu: very invasive and extremely difficult to kill once it is ingrained in your thoughts. You have the choice to consciously be aware of blaming another. Own your sh*t! It’s that simple. Think about what is stopping you from moving forward because you have allowed another to victimize you in your thought process. Everyone comes into your life as a character in a personal play. How you react and learn is yours alone! YOU are only responsible for you. Clean up the thoughts and the release the burdens from your past. You are who you are today because of everything that has happened to you. You got this!  You can create anything you want!