Our Continuous Need for Answers

It is our deepest longing to find answers to why we exist. What is the meaning of it all? Why are we here? And what is the reason to keep searching?

We have questions and we search for answers. Over and over. The answers are rarely found. The more awaken you are the deeper the desire for those answers. They are permitted to come in and accepted as they align with our truth. This is why my answers might not resonate with yours. Questions have little answers through quests. They come through in moments of stillness and silence. Whether they are spiritual questions or not. Our only job is to be present (fully available) for the answers to arrive. Often times we don’t ask the right questions because when the answers arrive they don’t match our expectations. Ask and it is given so be careful what you ask. You might not want it.

Whatever you are wanting make clear declarations. Don’t settle. The universe has a sense of humor. It will utilize our wishy washy emotional state to show us what we might fear or not want. Stay in your truth.

The question you need to ask yourself when you aren’t receiving answers is: what am I resisting? Lately, this has been happening to me. I’m in a total funk of yuckiness to be honest. I’m surfing through. I don’t go back and I won’t go forward. All I have is this moment and at times it is truly hard to handle. But the questions are always there because I know better. I am allowing for the mysteries to unfold. It will come together…

I know consciousness does not think. Consciousness just is. It exists through the mind and body in spite of thoughts. It is the universal connector of all that lives. It is the all that creates us.

These aren’t easy times but they are full of manifesting desires quickly. So make sure you ask for what you really want without confusion. And keep asking the hard questions. Keep searching for purpose. Ride the waves and allow for each breath to be your guide. Your higher self knows it all. It is waiting for you to sit back, shut up and listen!

Illumination

 

light

 

Yesterday I acquired a new elderly client. I went to the facility to meet him, sit with him, and hear his story. He is a sweet gentle man. Gentle beyond words! As we sat in the neatest and orderly room he shared tidbits of his life…sometimes forgetting details which he would apologize for. I reached over to his hands several times guiding him forward. Dementia is brutal when you are still aware that it’s happening.

He spoke of his wife and how she was the most remarkable woman he had ever met. He spoke of his children and the loss of one of them. He mentioned his career. And, in between the sentences, the gaps in memory, he allowed me to see the man he was and is today.  He lives with regrets which are clearly seen in his demeanor. He is a man of faith but that can only take you so far if you don’t forgive the past.

I drove home thinking about my own life and how I want to remember it in my later years. I caught myself crying at a light. Took me by surprise. I am way too emotional at times and my heart cracks open with each story I get to collect. I tend to them with care and learn the underlining meaning of what another can transport to me. I made a list of how I want to end this journey.

At the end of my life I want to look back and remember the magic I created. I want to have full awareness of how I walked the earth and all the teachers who touched me on this journey. I don’t want to beat myself up for not having a perfect body, for not making everyone happy, for not keeping some folks around, for not having done more, for not being enough….

I want to smile and recall the joy the world brought me. I pray to always acknowledge the love that was created. I want to look at the rear view mirror of my adventure with awe-stricken wonder for raising my children, loving wholeheartedly every one without judgment.

My only goal in life is to have no regrets, forgive… especially myself, and keep an open heart till my last breath. I want to make it a lifelong expedition to be led by all the light and stay in it until I become stardust again. And even then I hope that sparkles come from the smallest particle of earth guiding me to the next place. 

Secrets Kept

secrets

“I thought about how there are two types of secrets: the kind you want to keep in, and the kind you don’t dare to let out.” – Ally Carter

Secrets have a cost. We all have them because of taboo, shame, guilt, intimacy, embarrassment, and self-worth issues. Meantime, while they sit inside gaining energy, they eat away at our psyche. Ego feeds them with remorse and negativity. Secrets often times have a huge price to them. And even though we are entitled to keep things to ourselves, there are those little secrets that still nag for release. There are those small disclosures that eat at us in disgrace. Unfortunately, the longer they are kept in the closet the larger they become.

Sometimes, in the middle of nothing in particular, I return to a specific memory. In that memory I can conjure up the emotions of that time, with the person, and the things exchanged. I realize I have never been one to dig for secrets, including my very own. The reason my exes could cheat so easily was due to the fact that I never checked them. I never went through their things. I never followed them, until I was ready to face the moment of truth. Then there was no going back. I am completely oblivious to my surroundings, and when in my own bubble, I try to stay there out of fear.

What I’ve learned, through journaling and past therapy, is that avoidance is a form of keeping secrets. If you can’t be willing to dive into the heartache and discomfort then the secret continues to lie inside. Sometimes the best way to keep a secret is to pretend there isn’t anything to keep. Is it a form of delusion? Is it clinical and psychological avoidance of sorts? Is it survivor instincts repressing the deep and emotional pain? I don’t really know why we keep certain things inside.

I don’t have many secrets. I can’t really say there is anything badly enough to keep eating at me. The few things gathered in a basket of shhh, are more personal things about love and relationships. Some sweet intimate memories must remain inside forever. They are mine to hold and cherish alone.

The shame from my rape at 18 took eighteen years to be released. It had become an inconceivable shameful event that created many self-esteem issues. Once that was purged, I was able to allow for restoration and restitution. I was able to free myself from the monsters. Now there isn’t much inside that can control my psyche with oppression, only secrets of the loving kind. The secrets that are filled with shame birth a new identity in us. Those things that are due to infidelities, stealing, lying, sexual indiscretions, rape, abuse and much more, are the ones we need to allow release. The letting go of such “monsters” allows for divinity to step inside. Forgiveness is easier when it is for someone else. Real forgiveness, however, starts inside. The past has allowed each one of us to get here. We learn from our mistakes. We are better because of the lessons gathered along the path of life.

Skeletons in the closet serve no purpose unless you are decorating for Halloween. We are created in the light of Spirit. In that light all secrets are diminished. Let go and realize that you are not your secrets. You are evolution of such experiences. Good or bad, they have brought you to the awareness of today.

“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” – Sylvia Plath

Live without regrets 

If you get anything from what I share I hope you get this:
Sometime ago I read somewhere that studies showed Dementia and Alzheimer’s were linked to regrets and living an unfulfilled life. When I look back at the folks in my life who have suffered I can see this to be true. SO…I opt to live this life to the fullest. My birthday month starts Saturday and, as every year, I make sure to honor my existence by doing something new every single day of the month. It’s the simple things like taking a road never traveled or eating something I’ve never tried or even learning a new word in a different language. I make a point to fulfill every day with an extra oomph of presence. By the time the last day in April arrives I am totally wiped out of ideas. April becomes the longest month of the year and I love that. 

Whenever I enter a facility to visit a sweet elderly person I recognize regrets staring back. I hear stories through their loss of reality and watch the expressions of souls who are just waiting for death. 

Regrets, resentments, bitterness, loss, and unfulfilled dreams are on top of the lists. Stories get told and relived with sorrow and sadness. 

If I am to live a healthy life with full capacity of my mind, I will do anything to make sure I live to the fullest. Circumstances aren’t always available. Challenges rise and fall. Love comes and goes. Hurt breaks the heart and then repairs. I haven’t much on any list of things I care to do that I haven’t done. I choose to love fully. Live openly. Laugh every day. And treat strangers as old friends. No regrets. No resentments. I choose to be present to the best of my ability. It’s a matter of being mindful. 

I have seen too many loved ones with Dementia and Alzheimer’s to know I will do what it takes to enjoy this life. It might not always be comfortable but that’s also a matter of perception. 

Now you. You get to decide what you hold on to and hurt you, or what you release and see as beautiful life lessons. 

Enjoy your life, darlings. This is a gift every single day. It doesn’t have to be so hard. It just has to be lived. Mucho love ~ Millie

Choose To Live

Just because you aren’t dead doesn’t mean you are really living. Don’t just survive life expecting something to finally happen. Make something happen. Make magic. Make love. Make miracles. It’s an infinite privilege to be alive. Most people sit back and become spectators of their lives complaining over and over of what they can’t do or don’t have. 
Be your own cheerleader and participant of your path. Stand up and cheer in those happy moments. Dust off the sadness because it’s an opportunity to feel and learn from it. Get help if you can’t find the Light. We are made of duality. Forget what happens after you die. Make this journey awesome.  

Believe me…no one sits on their last breath and thinks of why they didn’t finish school, why they didn’t acquire enough money, or why they didn’t buy that over-sized house to impress another. No one sits and wonders about the mundane parts of materialism. The dying sit wondering why the heck they spent so much time worrying about senseless things and not more time loving, accepting love, and traveling the adventure of life with joy. They think about their souls not having more time with their loved ones. They think about how years have moved in a blink of an eye and all the things on a bucket list seem senseless at that moment. They regret not reaching out, not forgiving, not forgetting and not joining the tango of living with full capacity to evolve spirituality. 

Be alive! In the struggle of acceptance remember that you are here and that this too shall pass! Stop wasting this precious breath. 

Have a blessed day. Take this day and sparkle. Stop beating your soul up for mistakes and go dance in the light.

~Millie

You are not broken

broken

I’ve had people in my past constantly telling me how I am in my imperfections: “You are broken. You need to fix this and that about you in order to move forward. You have to figure this out the right way without your nonsense. You have to allow for this and that because you are doing it the wrong way….” For most part of my adult life I happened to believe this Broken Theory and the need to fix, not only me, but others around me so that I didn’t feel broken. The truth is that I am not broken. I don’t need fixing. This is who I am and who I intend to travel down the road of life. Each part of me that has fallen, ached, fractured has also gotten herself up, healed and been whole. I am not needing to fix anything else. That desire to be super woman has diminished with time. Peace comes in accepting who I am with what I am and where I am with my truth.

You ARE NOT broken. You are learning. You are evolving. You are growing into the person you are meant to be. You are challenging your higher purpose and self. You are moving through this life with the things that matter: an open heart, wisdom, compassion, faith and grace. There is a constant focus in our society that we need to better ourselves at all times. We need to diet, avoid getting old, work ourselves into early graves, and never take the time to just sit with disappointments, obstacles, and mistakes. God forbid we actually acknowledge the dark side in ourselves! It is exhausting to think, that as a whole, we must take medicine, hide our imperfections, and avoid anything that pauses us into a state of deep awareness. We have such an imbalance in the body, the mind and the spirit because we are constantly looking outside of ourselves for answers that are already inside of us.  We are not broken in the way that others have wanted us to believe. We are moving slowly, transitioning into another place, with each passing moment we are getting to know the truth in ourselves. We are embracing authenticity and all the beauty it has for us. This mass consciousness is never easy but to accept the labels of “brokenness or needing fixing,” well that is just unacceptable.

As I keep returning to the memoir that I need to complete, I keep finding all those parts that others insisted were broken in me. Each time I return to edit and add I get physically ill and must stop the process. I believe I am passed the point of accepting the Broken Theory. And, for this month I will allow myself the gift of moving inward without distractions. I will not be on social media. I will not be posting on this site. Every few months I need the serene world of myself.

As we move through this next month allow yourself the moments of falling helplessly onto a sofa, a bed, and covering your head if that’s where you are in your life. This will pass! We must distant ourselves from others at times. It requires solitary confinement, peace, and lack of distractions. You will get there. First, stop accepting that you cannot get through this. Secondly, stop feeling that there is something horribly wrong with yourself. And, thirdly, the fixation of perfection is overrated. Who the hell wants to be like anyone else? You are magically beautiful. You are stupendously gorgeous. And you are the most AWEsomest person you will ever know. You are the Oneness of it all. Stop focusing on what isn’t. Accept what is and move on. You got this! After all the Divine doesn’t make mistakes!!!!

I ask that you be gentle with yourself this month. Let the month of “Love” be about loving yourself first and foremost. There is beauty in this truth. I promise that when you feel the light of Oneness in you others will begin to feel that as well because it starts with You. Mucho love, my friends!