Speaking Truth

I have had time to process this past weekend’s retreat experience. I suspect that within all the intense energies swirling lately I will be processing even deeper. I have released something powerful. Magical doesn’t begin to describe it.

Truth.

Spirituality is birthed through it. We are awakened by it. We are created to honor it. We expand in its presence.

I’ve spoken truth. Painful as it was I said it out loud. It was received without judgement. It was held in another person’s hands full of forgiveness and divine love. My heart felt the brokenness receive light through small actions of pure love and acceptance.

Cause…I’ve lied and cheated and participated in some sinful human experiences. I have carried it for decades searching for redemption. We all make mistakes, especially when you are young. Unfortunately, in the same intensity and depth of passion that I love I also, tenaciously, hold myself accountable. Passionately loathing things I’ve done while feeling that I’ve hurt another. I didn’t even realize the punishment I was doing to myself. Such horrific injustice wasting nights creating stories on how to ask for forgiveness. I wasn’t aware of the weight. Passion carries through everything I do so it’s painful when the energy is toxic, stagnant and sabotaging to my soul. Cellular memories hold things forever until we truly let go completely.

I starts with truth.

Releasing and forgiveness are powerful. I had been able to surrender so much in my life. But there was one thing that no matter how much I tried, how much therapy I got, or how many letters I wrote would not let go. I required those secrets to be faced in person.

My passionate heart needed to be holding that person in front of me. I needed to look into her eyes and say the words out loud. I needed to feel her. Even if she didn’t resonate with me I needed to take accountability for my actions. I needed to say, “I am sorry. I am deeply sorry for hurting you….”

I am blessed to have had the most cathartic and healing experience ever. Let’s face it we are our own worst enemy. We harbor shame and guilt while feeding it with self loathing. Most often it’s done in a subconscious level. We aren’t even aware of it until something brings it up. And then again we harbor the pain, unable to let it go. We return to memories like a time machine but unable to make changes for those experiences (the same experiences that provided growth).

Forgiveness is not just for another. It is for the self. In the process of asking for it we are surrendering to spirit. We are allowing the universe to sacredly create holiness through those experiences. Every action brings with it a reaction. In truth we are recreating from love.

The stories we create are painful. This is why sharing with full vulnerability is healing. The moment we speak up the darkness and shame loses power.

This weekend I was among angels. I was exposed to love and forgiveness through stories. So I ask you to please make amends with your past. Find a way to do it through a letter, a touch, or however your soul asks. Just do it! Don’t keep putting it off.

Once truth comes out you will ask yourself why you waited so long? You will feel a sense of remorse for not letting it go sooner. And you will laugh. Because that will begin to also help heal those raw wounds. Joy will replace guilt in no time.

We don’t have to be present in front of the ones we’ve hurt but it sure helps when the person is there to hear it.

Thank you, my dear sweet woman. You know who you are. You have allowed me to see me completely while seeing you. You allowed me to witness my own reflection in the love you have returned. I am able to feel love that I rejected because I thought I was not a good person. In your immense faith I, too, have acquired more. I love you. I love me. And in the process I love us.

Regret Nothing 


Regrets!!!! Yeah, that little word that holds the past prisoner: What you didn’t do; What you left unsaid; What you could’ve, should’ve, and would’ve done. The reality is that each challenge and obstacle molded you to who you are right now.  

Why the regrets? Why the soul torturing of stuff you cannot change? 

Because time ticks and waits for no one or nothing. Because great experiences “might” appear in the future but your only reference to what has happened is in the past. 

Several years ago I wrote over a dozen letters to people I thought I had hurt. And those I didn’t hurt I wanted to clarify that I was having to let them go in order to heal. I received beautiful responses, even though I expected none, all but two folks. I didn’t do it to get answers. I wrote in order to move on and I did. I regret nothing of things I’ve done. I only regret, every so often, having left important words unsaid. And to this moment there is only one person I hold with that and soon that, too, will be clarified. It’s a huge part of my life. It’s been something brewing for over twenty-five years. There is no regret, but the acceptance that things need closure. 

I don’t understand when someone starts on the “I regret this or that. I am too old for my dreams. I wish I had said that or this to that person….”
If you are breathing, you can still do everything you claim you could have done. And if the person is gone, still voice it out. The act of forgiveness isn’t for them. It’s for you! Dreams do not care about your age or the tenacity of your bones. 
Darlings, regret nothing. Allow those things in the past to be mile markers for huge transformations. 

I embrace my stupid mistakes. I recognize how far I’ve grown. I am grateful there was no cellphones with camera back then. I look back and laugh at how I am still alive. I was responsible, but ohhhh so reckless. Youth was wasted on my inability to see clearly. Lol. 

So go out into the freaking delicious world and do the things you wanted.  Do the things that scare you. Make things happen and sparkle. If you can’t do them then do something else. You ain’t done until you stop breathing. 

Now I must go collect my industrial size glitter into my car and start sprinkling some joy around like confetti. Apparently there seems to be a deficit these days with all this regret crap going on….

Mucho love, y’all!

Winter’s Night

The wind is howling outside the door,

rattling the windows,

clawing everything in its way.

My mind seems to be on the same rhythm.

Thoughts rattle in my brain

things of regrets,

others full of appreciation.

 

I cannot return to the past

as spirituality pushes forward.

Lessons learned.

Some painful.

Some delicious.

Some expanding beliefs.

Others forcing the evolution

of love and forgiveness.

 

I have nothing but the rattle

against my insides

battling Ego against Self.

 

If I run from all that I know

I will still be with me.

If I stay with all that I know

I will still be with me.

 

I am human

made of mistakes,

grace,

love,

and other little things.

 

I have some knowings

that carry me back and forth.

I have this sound of space

with just a few subjects

banging,

scratching,

twirling,

lurking,

breaking

any sense of silence inside.

 

It’s been a long while

since the storm in my head

created a tornado.

 

I breathe in hope

exhaling like the wind

with hollow sounds.

 

Until I remove the belongings,

until I can patch the holes left,

I cannot move into peace

and my heart cannot heal…

so I wait for the wind to die down,

for the swirling to stop,

and my heart to catch up

to the awareness

this too shall pass

and what’s left is just a shallow

memory of one bad night in winter.

The Loss of What Is or Not

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Loss is inexplicable regardless if it’s through death or a falling out and misunderstanding. Loss cuts deep in the core of the heart and psyche. I’ve learned a few things about this. I have been on the giving side of losing and the receiving side of loss. Sometimes it doesn’t matter what side you are on…the pain is still there. At times I even forget who was on what side of the issue.

Words have tremendous powers. They are whips that create profound welts, feathers that mend the heart, and at times, the bullet that kills everything. Perhaps because I am overly sensitive words have an extraordinary effect that is hard to forget. However, I forgive myself for words heard and used. I am human. I make a million of mistakes. I am impatient. I am the most stubborn person I’ve ever met. I am overly positive at times that I don’t see the pitfall of things to come. I do tend to be forgetful over time. And, and I carry my heart outside of my chest exposed to all who want a piece. I lay it all out there for the taking…even when ego borrows it and damages it for a bit.

The heavy rain this weekend has poured out a bunch of emotions. It’s as if heaven is crying. It stops. It starts again. It comes down like a tantrum and then slowly reduces its energy. With it all the energy of the land it is overly charged. Rain allows for the veils of here and there to thin out. The esoteric world becomes a lining of this one in a very visible manner. I have been on an exhausting emotional roller coaster taking messages from above and beyond. There’s a conscious shift happening and I am standing on the sidelines witnessing it: for me and for others.

Loss has been the theme this weekend. We all want to be heard. We all want to be understood. We all want to believe it’s not our fault when the shit hits the fan. But, part of our lessons here is that it is our fault. It’s our fault when we participate in the drama. It’s our fault when we don’t take full responsibility for our words and our actions. It’s our fault when avoidance becomes the elephant in the room. I can take full responsibility for that one. I hate confrontations. I will go around and around to make sure that something is not in my face going off at me like a hungry tiger ready to eat me. But, I also have a default and when pushed to a corner I become the tiger without a care in the world who is there. It does, however, take a long time for me to get there.

A dear friend asked me one day why I avoid getting into an argument. I have a fairy-unicorn-happy like concept. It’s not wrong and it’s not right. It just is. My belief is that if given enough time things always subdue. If allowing for the strains to energetically tire out everything returns to harmony. Then I come to realize it isn’t always so. Sometimes…only sometimes…perhaps more than sometimes…a person needs to go off. A person needs to truly be heard. A person needs to put another in their place. The bullying and passive aggressive behavior must end. But…there are always three sides to every story: mine, yours and the truth. It’s all about perception. And, I believe loss is inevitable at times. People come into our lives for a reason and a season. Whether it’s through death or through different paths, we are always going to be connected.

I met a man in the checkout isle two days ago who had Parkinson’s disease and was here visiting from California. His wife gently guiding him to put the things on the counter, while he chit-chatted about my groceries, forced me to stop and pay attention to those things not said but seen through energy and gestures. It doesn’t matter what was said…but I realized at the moment of impact that he and I were connected forever. It’s that simple. Not one person comes into your life without a reason. Believe me when I say this. Each…Single…Person…Matters!

So…with all this great amount of water on our mountain I have had the privilege of being up for hours entertaining souls and energies who have passed on, some in my memories that will never be part of my life even though they are alive, and others who are just plain old lost in time. We want forgiveness. We want to leave a legacy. One thing that I do understand and cherish is that two things matter in our lives: love and awareness of another. We only want to know we matter. We only want to know we touched another. Say your sorry’s, your I love you’s, your sweet words of acknowledgment…now…not later. Say what needs saying even when you don’t want to tackle the truth. As time passes the truth also becomes distorted. Let it go. That crap has no business being part of your today. If it pains you then it’s time to release it. You have been given another opportunity today to live. Let Divinity do its work…forgive and love. I love you. Have a blessed Sunday.

You are not allowed….

ants

When I was a young teenager we lived in a one bedroom apartment in South Florida. Four of us in that tiny space. I would disappear often to the one bathroom and sit on the toilet to get breathing space. There were these tiny ants that my mother would always try to kill. They would walk this one line of grout up and down from the bathroom window to the end of the door. She was relentless in her cleanliness and did everything to get rid of these little critters. They would disappear for days and then return with more friends. I would sit and watch their trail. They would travel alone in a single line but every so often stop for a second and touch another ant coming the opposite direction. I would make up stories about their conversations, their whereabouts, and their journey. No matter what came their way these ants never gave up. They would come back and travel the miles of tiles to get to and from their destination. I would sometimes notice that in their quick exchange of conversations an ant would turn around and go the opposite way alongside her new friend.

This morning I thought about those ants again as a friend of mine is battling through depression. I thought about the giant support system that those ants seemed to have in their journey. I thought about them not giving up. I thought about their community and how they stuck together relentlessly against all odds (and believe me, my mother tried everything to get rid of them). They were fiercely tenacious with admirable will power.

You are not allowed to give up. You are, however, allowed to fall, cry, break, stumble, curse, feel sorry, ask God all the why’s you want, but you are NOT ALLOWED to give up on this precious journey of life. I have seen darkness. I have been in your place of sorrow and desperation several times in life. I have also been relentless like those ants waiting and traveling and moving forward without knowing what waited for me on the other side. I don’t know your emotions but I can relate to your story. Life appears to be going one way and then some giant force takes your power away, turning your dreams upside down. It’s frustrating, exhausting and paralyzing. But I believe that those things that break us are the ones that also teach us to use our faith to mend again.

You cannot stop believing that “this too shall pass.” I can give you a thousand cliches. I can give you a hundred examples of true life stories. It doesn’t matter when you are in that place of darkness. It doesn’t matter how many folks stop along the way to give you a word of hope. But, you are not alone. I’m here. You have a giant support system even when you can’t name a single person. You are not allowed to quit on life. You are not allow to stop and check out. You are allowed to do many screwed up things in life, but quitting on your existence is not one of them!

I have a plaque on my wall with a quote from Marilyn Monroe. It says, “Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.” What if the path you were on only looked good but it was not what your higher self has intended for you? What if, in letting go and releasing, something magical will appear? What if everything you thought was the best for you really was just a journey up and down a pink bathroom taking you and molding you into something better? You just don’t know. SO, my dear beautiful friend, you are not allowed to give up. You can sit and cry. You can stay in bed for a little longer and cover your head with the blankets pretending the world doesn’t need you. I don’t care how you move pass this point, but you are not allowed to give up on life. Life determines when you give up…when you have no breath in you. And, today is not that day.

Give your life purpose in present of this moment. Notice those small things around you: the bees sucking on the plants, the naked trees dancing to the cold wind, the birds flying over you, a freaking snow storm arriving and how the sky is so purely white. Whatever it takes to get yourself out of this darkness is a step in the right direction. But, only YOU KNOW how to do this. I love you. I am here.  Let’s go find some ants together…!

Cut yourself some slack!

mistake

Many years ago I had a spiritual teacher who said to me that whenever I was spinning out of control with my emotions to think of the word JOY and focus on it.  She said, “When you truly focus on the word, especially out loud, you cannot help but smile.”  It’s true! To this day when I think of joy I do smile.  It brings me into a momentary state of euphoria.  On the same token I have found that there are other words that bring up images when I think of them.  One of them is “chaos.”  Just the thought of that word brings an image of a tornado and I can feel my emotions caught up in destruction.  This holiday season has been full of moments that fit the image of the word chaos.

Now, in the midst of beginning anew, I am trying to recollect my sensitiveness.  It’s been a hell of a few weeks with some lovely moments as well.  Things have come up and out in more ways than I care to rationalize.  Folks have been hurt in my presence, sometimes because of my own stupid and careless behavior, when chaos has been around. Other times just because the cosmic energy has shifted and negativity has visited from elsewhere.  I take full responsibility for my ego stepping in at times.  Self preservation is not necessarily a timing friend, especially when I should be reciting the word JOY over and over in those moments.  I forget to do it through the heat of uncomfortable situations.

But, this is the thing about being human: we make mistakes.  We all get caught in the tornado of emotions, mostly with things that don’t pertain to the present moment.  The holidays, because they are full of expectations and high energy events involving food, drinking, and company, can add to the topsy-turvy of emotional disorder.  Things are magnified in ways that make no sense.  It’s in those times that perhaps my hippie ways should take others by the hand and start singing “KUMBAYA” or chanting “Om…Namaste!”  I seem to forget that as well.

I sit now in the middle of the night trying to gather my thoughts with the word JOY!  A smile appears on my face but my heart isn’t really feeling it.  I have been running on empty for weeks now.  I have to admit that I will not do this again next year…not like this.   I cannot blame this on anyone but myself.  And, for this I do apologize to those around me.   In order for me to feel the word JOY I must find the right circumstances and events that pertain to it.

In the name of chaos I can only think that stress gathers in moments of presumption, expectancy and misunderstandings.  What is it about the holidays that make people react in such hyper and sensitive ways?  I have heard from others that this particular year has been truly a challenging one.  I have my own preconceptions about the season and had hoped to skip it altogether.  I vow next year to do just that because a tropical island isolated from the world will be the best cure for holiday blues.

I leave this small reflection upon a page:  “I am responsible for myself.  I am accountable for my behavior.  I am fully conscious of my actions and reactions.  I promise to treat each person, including myself, with sacredness, compassionate love, recognition and understanding through the open heart of Divinity.”

To all of you who have been stressed or hurt this past season, cut yourself some slack.  It’s the holidays. Make your own mantra of truth and forgive yourself and those who have come into your spaces.  It’s a new day, a new year, and the best time to make amends with your spirit.  We are all humans taking each other home through mistakes, lessons, and stumbles. We can try to erase the chaos and focus on the joy.  No one said it was easy….but it’s sure worth the journey.  Mucho love to you!