Allowing for Grief

On May 15, 2023May 15, 2023 By Moments with MillieIn Essay2 Comments

There is this thing that happens when grief visits. It may be subtle, or it may arrive through a rage of memories. Even if you find yourself controlling your emotions, you cannot avoid it. Sure, you can drink it away, gamble it, sex it, feed it, but ultimately it will sit in your heart until you address it.

A few days ago, after an excruciating emotional week dealing with my nine-year old daughter who has been emotionally struggling, I went to the supermarket. I was rolling the cart, listening to music through my earbuds. I turned right in front of the frozen section and there was an entire placement of Little Debbie products.

I froze. I don’t know why. I don’t buy them. I don’t eat them any longer. But I stood there in some kind of suspended animation. I stared at the boxes and then a part of me left.

I was younger, mothering six children basically alone. We were sitting by our pool eating the snacks. The kids all finished and jumped back into the water. I felt my body leaning forward as if I was there about to get in as well. Then I returned to the grocery aisle, tears leaking and racing, just as if I wet my face with the pool water.

I was glad there wasn’t anyone around. I mourned for my six adult children. I ached for my two little ones who were at their father’s. I felt paralyzed. I couldn’t move so I clenched the handle of the cart and began to use it as a walker.

I thought that I was dealing with the stressors of the week okayish. I wasn’t! I felt alone, isolated, and truly in a place of despair. I am great in crisis. It’s the aftermath that consumes me for a few days.

I paid and got to the car. I sat in it without turning it on for a good while allowing the heat to wake me from the sorrow. I let it out: the frustration, the shame, the worthlessness, and every single other emotion that was ready to join the pity party.

It wasn’t a pity party. I had to stop myself from labeling it. I had to pull the visor and look at myself in the mirror, cleaning the mascara with my hands.

“You are not okay, Millie.” I whispered to her. “It is okay not to be okay. What’s not okay is pretending. Go home and rest. This will pass. It always passes.”

I gathered myself, turning on the car and driving down the country road home. After I put the groceries away, I sat on my sofa watching the candles burning nearby. I began to meditate for a good hour, returning to the present moment.

That grief… that ache that catches us off guard… is the Divine calling to return to our soul’s essence. We make up stories, excuses, and retell old things with different views to suit the present moment. Nostalgia is dangerous that way. The further the distance from an event, the most likely the reality changes.

I have been a mother since I was twenty years old. I would like to say that it gets easier. I don’t know. Sometimes, yes. Other times it feels as if I am consumed by guilt for not doing enough, or shame for detaching so that the children learn on their own valuable lessons. On the other side of those emotions is forgiveness. I forgive myself for not knowing better, doing more, and/or not being enough when they needed me.

All eight of my kiddos are like Little Debbie’s. They are soft, scrumptious, and bring comfort to my heart. On this Mother’s Day may you have found yourself in the center of being honored for all that you do, who you are, and what you bring into their lives. You bring love. You bring hope. You bring life.

I love you.

Sacredness of Time

On May 10, 2020May 10, 2020 By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

Sacredness of Time

That’s what we are experiencing on a new conscious level. We are having to live this moment while letting go of what and can happen tomorrow.

Last week, when I went hiking, I took this photo of the trail coming down the mountain. The rough edges and greenery stopped me. I stood there for some time witnessing the landscape all around me. I was there…. In that moment. I was all into the smells, scenery, consistency of the wet ground and the unsettled terrain. It all embraced me.

That’s how I’m feeling today: ever present with all of me. I miss the rest of my children who are scattered in different places of the country. But, I’ve never been much into this commercialized holiday. I honor motherhood daily. I don’t need to be reminded of it on one Sunday a year.

This past week kinda hit me hard. The hate that arrives from many is toxic and if I am not careful I fall into a deep ditch on the side of the journey. Next week may not be so rough.

When I look at the beauty of this picture and the roughness embracing the softness I think of our lives. We evolve through seasons changing. We sprout through rough terrains. We weather the storms. We exist within the greatest space in history. We are surviving. We are growing and expanding while trekking onward. We are mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, friends and a hundred other ways to label our place here. We are the ALL of everything that’s happening right now.

May you recognize how important you are for shifting the collective at this time. Show up through love. Be the love you want in the world. It’s not easy. Sometimes it takes your breath away just like hiking up a mountain. I am a heart shaped rock tucked away by two lovely ferns in a trail. I am mindful of the sacredness of time by allowing and being. I fail and fall a lot. But when I rise from my down time I return to my center.

I love you. Thank you all for being in my trail and playing your role in the journey ahead. Happy Mama Day to all you beautiful souls. I honor you daily.

Mothers

On May 12, 2018 By Moments with MillieIn Essay2 Comments

What constitutes being a mother? There are women who have no children, yet they are amazing mothers to others. There are women who have chosen to mother themselves and set examples of nurturing out for others to follow. Some have made sacrifices and choices through painful lessons. And, YET, they get no recognition for being who they are in our society.

Happy Mother’s Day weekend to all you deliciously beautiful souls who are here with me. You totally rock! I am blessed to partake in the journey with you. I love you.

Sideways Mode

On May 8, 2016 By Moments with MillieIn Essay4 Comments

It was around 6:45 this morning that Kali and I sat down at the kitchen table. I had started to write an article before she got up. She wanted a snack. I got up to get it for her and when I returned my computer was locked on a different mode. It was sideways on Tablet mode. Her little hands still on the keyboard smiling. I sat her again in her high chair and began, in full blown desperation, to return to desktop (upright) mode. She ate her snack and I sat over the computer frustrated and wondering what to do. I sat there asking her what she did as she mumbled nothingness and giggling. I laugh now at the look the sight of me as I was asking her. What was she seeing? Was she amused at my erratic desperation of finding a quick fix? I remember her saying, “Breeeffff, Mama!” (Meaning, “Breath, old woman, this is not the end of the world.”)

I worked on it for over an hour, turning it off, asking questions on the internet (sideways) while she watched a show. I don’t do this technology shifting or malfunctioning well at all. Nothing frustrates me more than when I cannot get my computer to work right. I turn into someone I don’t recognize. Because I am pretty techie retarded I feel like it’s always worse than it really is. I kept thinking of work tomorrow and how I was going to write. I went into panic mode and I rarely do this…I didn’t recognize my own behavior. I stepped away from it, closed it up, praying that when my husband got up he would look at it. I was sure that it was something simple. There was no button for it. I couldn’t make it work. I was not able to make this moment work in my favor. I was on a side way track and it was all downhill from there.

I sat with her, as she coughed and snot ran down her face. She’s had a bit of a cold and I’ve had sinus issues. Once Matt got up I went to shower and in that moment of hot water hitting my back, I cried. I couldn’t believe I was so upset over a stupid thing. But I knew that the computer issue was the catalyst. I cried while holding on to the side tiles of the shower. The hot water continued to scold me. It is Mother’s Day. I don’t have my mother here. I don’t have all my kids. I don’t buy into this holiday. But, those in my past do, in different timelines do. In the past few years, my sisters and I have drifted apart. I’ve lost family members to death and to lack of communication. The more I accept my authentic truth the less they can understand my choices. I have always been the risk taker, the trailblazer, the one that never lived by strict rules, and here in my late 40’s, I realize I did too much for others to make them feel better. I am the hippie that they cannot relate with and to. And that also translates to being “irresponsible” while they have never taken chances in their lives. Whenever I shifted gears and changed my direction they judged and couldn’t comprehend my lifestyle. I stopped the toxic behaviors. In the process of self preservation and self-care I’ve lost many. Today on Mother’s Day I was reminded again of mile markers that make these holidays hurt for so many. These days turn us sideways and upside down.

And, yet…I knew within minutes of the release that the crying was healthy. I knew that breaking down was necessary. I knew that once the water was turned off my attitude would be changed. That’s the thing about accepting past memories. This is also the gift of spiritual growth and awareness. I am the most imperfect person I know. I accept it. I was turned sideways in a way that I had not done in a long while. I needed the little fingers of a 2 year old to cause such a drift within my own booting system that I would have little choice but to acknowledge the losses. The longer time passes the less I feel for my decisions. I am not one to regret what happens. I am one to continue moving forward regardless of what another expects from me for their own taking. I am done giving reasons for the choices I make. I have a very long threshold for tolerance. And, when I am done, I completely cut all ties. There is no warning. Just like the screen turning sideways, I also turn…into whatever my soul needs in order to survive.

My mother lived for holidays like today. I don’t. To me, this day is a commercialized sensation. I don’t care for anything that it stands for. I am a mother all year around. But, days like this bring up things that need addressing. They force us to shift and re-adjust our sails to keep drifting through life. I spent a few hours while we were out and about mentally aligning to my truth. The adulting business was eventually put on hold and I became quiet the rest of the afternoon. I needed to just be even with Kali and Matt.

The computer was fixed. It took my husband a minute. The rest of the day has been full of sweet messages. I’ve heard from many and feel blessed for these magical connections. We are forever changing…sideways, upward, downward, and onward. We are never the same after these small emotional episodes. We are forever evolving.

Don’t let one day play on your emotions. But, if it happens remember that you get to decide how you entertain those memories. You create your reality and perception. Let them come up and out. It’s perfectly natural to have releases. We return to our upright position after them. At the end of your life you will surely not remember these insignificant episodes. This is the mystical notion of living fully: you get to keep going without staying in a dark place all the time. Continue to surrender into the unknown.

You are a mother…

On May 6, 2016May 6, 2016 By Moments with MillieIn EssayLeave a comment

You are a mother when a friend is in need and you drop everything to help her, hold her hand during a crisis, and bring therapy in a bottle. You are a mother when your children need their laundry done and they can do it themselves but “Mom does it better!” You are mother to an elderly neighbor who has no one and cherishes each moment you spend with them. You are a mother to your dog, cat and sweet pets that wait anxiously for you to come home and love them. You are a mother to your mate when exhaustion fills the air and a soft caress is all you can give to show your nurturing. You are a mother to the stranger who needs a smile and you graciously hand yours (even when you are having a bad moment). You are a mother at 15, 22, 35, 46, 58, 65, 79, and 90 each time someone shares their sorrow or their joys with you. No, you don’t have to have children to be a mother. You are a mother for the world. You are a woman of strength, joy, and tenacity. You overcome so much every single day. So, Happy Mother’s Day weekend to all you deliciously beautiful souls who are here with me. I am a mother of 7 and I forgot that this weekend is a holiday. I am not counting that one day that celebrates through commercializing propaganda. I celebrate every day when I get up and consciously participate in loving every single person who passes my way. I might not always like them…but I can surely love them for their participation on this world.

When the insignificant becomes significant

On May 11, 2015May 11, 2015 By Moments with MillieIn Essay6 Comments

Some holidays seem insignificant to me. Mother’s Day is one such day. I believe that when you are a mother you celebrate in that momentum every single day. I usually skip over it. I get cards and calls from my kids and friends are kind enough to remind me that I am, indeed, a mother of a LOT of children. And, while it’s lovely to have a commercialized day to pamper your dear one, I think it creates a little stress in the back burner. It emphasizes too much for others who are going through loss.

Yesterday I was super emotional and did everything possible not to let it overwhelm me. I missed my mother who passed away a month before Mother’s Day on 2008. She did make a huge stink about this day and expected it to be a day of celebration for her. It was important to her. Perhaps that’s also why it’s not to me. However, in the midst of six children in different cities and such, I miss them. I miss having them all around the dinner table and not being a part of the seventh child. I missed having my mother and the glory of this special day to celebrate her greatest in having been guidance for 40 years. So, yes, yesterday was a crappy day. I worked the morning and then we took a Sunday drive with a baby who hates being strapped in her car seat. We drove in silence while she screamed on an off. We tried to keep her busy and finally we gave in. It wasn’t going to work. It was better to be home and have her in her space while we played with her. It was also better for me to allow the emotions to wander off while feeding the fish with her, or taking her to the swing. It was better to get distracted while watching Barney for the 233^rd time in a week.

The insignificant became rather significant and by 7PM I was exhausted. I was mentally drained and didn’t even want to verbalize a single syllable. Going to sleep that early allowed me to wake up even earlier than usual. I was up at 1AM sitting in the dark living room. I released it all. I said my prayers. I did a meditation that came out of nowhere showing me a path I had not even considered. I began to think about friends who have lost their children, others who lost their mothers early on, and then I began to count my blessings. There’s nothing like placing myself in another’s life for a few moments to snap me back to gratitude. And, just like that I was able to return to the light of day being the goofy me.

Why do we place so much emphasis on special days? As clueless as I am for certain things I am keen to others. I try not to let these days that are marked on a store-bought calendar become my triggers. But, I also know that Sadness arrives and sits whenever it is bringing along a friend…in this case Awareness. I will never get to sit with my mother and share everything I have done in the past 7 years while she gives me approval or disapproval and a world of great advice. I will most likely never sit with all my children in one space as some have decided not to be part of this family. That’s the thing about moments: while you are going through them you don’t know that they will leave lasting impressions for later. You don’t know that a specific event will be the best memory in a long time and it will become the mark of greatness to other similar moments. They sit quietly in the back of the mind, tucked gently in a corner of the heart, and something will trigger them and you can’t see what’s really important anymore. It’s our spiritual duty to find solace and comfort in understanding that they return for a lesson. Sit with them and allow them to show you why they keep revisiting. What’s missing in your life? Why was that so important and why can’t you have it again? Retrace those memories with openness and acceptance. Often times when we miss something it is because we are being guided to move through a major breakthrough. Don’t beat yourself up. Don’t stay in the regrets or the resentments. Forgive the path you took to get you here and all the choices you make every day. That’s life! We are constantly evolving and hopefully in a manner guided by unconditional love, especially for the self.

In days like yesterday I always think of Rumi’s poem: The Guest House. I allow those emotions to visit, and I decorate their room for the day while trying to make them comfortable. Then I let them go off. Each room is a new emotion. It’s all good because I am aware of their visitation. They clear out things that are often forgotten. Mother’s Day doesn’t have to be a sad day. It can be a purging day of emotions and laughter. And just like that the laughter arrived in the darkness of my living room this morning. I began to remember the moments most precious to me with my mother and my children. I remembered things that made me chuckle and I tried to stay as quiet as possible not to wake anyone. It’s all a matter of conscious shift. I refuse to enter another day with a trickling of tears marking my cheeks.

There are more important things happening around us. It isn’t my job to analyze or control those moments but I can choose when they need eviction from my mind. Today is a gorgeous day. As I write this I am watching the fish swimming in the pond as the light casts gently on the water. I hear the birds singing their love songs. And, today my heart is healing. Whatever happened yesterday has allowed for me to re-enter my waking life with a light heart. May you find peace in those moments of release and remember all that is you. You are AWEsome. You are Divine Love at its very best.