Letting Love Live

This morning I had a memory of the first time I was stung with uncensored and unconditional love. I’m sure I had hundreds, or perhaps thousands of moments, but that evening seemed to stand out loudly.

My husband and I had been dating for a few months. I spent the night at his place. We had made love and only a candle lit the room. He had fallen sleep on his stomach. I turned over and saw him. The light from the candle enhanced his back muscles. I gasped. He was beautiful. I looked at his bare back in pure delight. Tears formed and I allowed for their release. He was sound asleep. I became very aware that he was mine, for however long that would be, and he was lovely. Not just because of his body but his sense of humor. I was falling in love. I was falling into a known territory that felt remarkably unfamiliar to all others.

I traced my fingers on his back softly following the shadows. He woke and turned over to his side while I kept rubbing him with my nails. At some point I fell into a slumber wrapped by his arms. The next morning as I drove the hour and twenty minutes home, I kept thinking of that moment that allowed me to fall so profoundly that every cell in my body felt the expansion of love. I literally felt a huge break in my chest.

Then I started to freak out. I felt I was losing myself. How could I? I’ve done this dance many times before. I had given all of me for years and not been reciprocated but what amazing lessons I had learned. I regret not a one!

As I watched the stretch of mountains ahead my heart felt a tingle and a pull. I was safe to fall. I was safe to rise towards the delight of being me…my authentic self without censoring from a man. The sun was rising over the landscape and I knew I had permission from the heavens to just feel the love that was to grow. I remember this many years later. I remembered it this morning as I watched him sleep in his stomach bundled under warm blankets.

Driving over the mountains that morning I recalled twenty years before when I was dating a lovely man. After we made love I fell asleep in his arms. Sometime after that I woke to him watching me sleep and the blinds wide open. He said, “The moon looks beautiful on your back. It makes your freckles look like stars!” He meant every syllable of that sentiment.

I buried my head on the pillow in embarrassment. I had a hard time taking in any kind of compliment.

I had never been seen…Or so I felt. He saw me. And when he died a year later a part of me died with him. Now noticing my new lover and his divine essence naked in front of me I felt all the love in the world that had been given, shared and exchanged. I felt it intensified and released in my soul. It wasn’t just a physical or emotional connection. It was a spiritual one.

At midlife I was finally me without apologizing.

And I allowed for all that was to come. He was mine then. He continues to be mine now. It has taken a tremendous amount of work and dance to stay in that love but it’s been so worth it. Because that’s what marriage entails. We are on the other side of that mountain of uncertainty and doubts. We are led by stars and candlelight through the darkest of obstacles.

We are in it because of the raw vulnerability from one another. We show up not always in perfect lighting. It’s in the unmade beds, crazy sleepless nights with kids, messy days, hard obstacles, little moments and unconditional love without judgment. It’s real life naked and fully clothed behind closed doors. I’m blessed.

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Living through Optimism

I think through positive outlooks. When I write something that, to me, seems pretty uplifting and a person comments with something negative (or a totally different perspective) I am reminded of how expansive our minds truly are. I would never ever see it that way…their way. But, I totally respect it. I understand it’s based on their experiences. My mouth drops and I am aware of the differences in our lives. There is no such thing as “one size fits all” perception. There will always be a million ways to look at things. That is diversity! This is also the reason I stay away from topics such as religion and politics on social media. The things I am most passionate about I share with my tribe in private. I don’t put my dirty laundry out to hang in front of others. I have learned that the best way to teach positivity is to live it. The best way to lift others is by lifting myself. The best medicine for the world is to laughter. And, the best solution to expose the dark forces is to bring them to light. I share with you because I believe that vulnerability is the connection we need in our world in order to not feel alone. So…yes optimism isn’t lazy. It is courageously yummy. Optimism serves humanity by lifting and healing through a higher frequency. That frequency is always LOVE.

Follow Your Dreams

I had a very smart man give me advice recently. He is a brilliant attorney. He has lived many lives. I shared a dream of mine that I feel I will reach and he immediately said to go grab it. He said that the reason people fail in pursuing their dreams is that they wait for the perfect timing. Which never exists. He has seen it time and time again. “Figure it out as you move through it but don’t try and wait for it to come together at once. You will figure it out as you are in it.” He gave me the analytical breakdown of percentages and logistics that made the magic disappear and he laughed because he knew he lost me.

Life waits for no one. It doesn’t wait for perfect moments. I hear this from folks who want to have kids but wait for perfect timing. Or someone who wants to write but waits for a perfect computer. Or an artist who wants to paint but waits for a perfect studio. There are no perfect timings. There is a perfect now. There is a perfect dream that is brewing inside of you.

Life is too short. It takes courage and an unstoppable desire to follow all that you want. It doesn’t have to be extravagant. Start with the desire. Follow through with the willingness and let the rest be created through serendipitous moments.

You got this! ~m.a.p.

The Magic in You

I am rarely shocked by anything or anyone. There’s really not much that can shake me up and deeply put me in a state of deep word-less-ness. At the same token there are things that others say they are impossible and I claim them to be probable. It’s in that place of astonishing amazement that magic moves. It’s in the moments of mystical surprises that we evolve and surpass a place of bewilderment. Our passion fuels us and heightens our perception. What we know to be true changes constantly. Our desires and dreams move from where we are now into what we aspire for tomorrow.

Follow the heart’s desires. It knows more than the logical mind. Nothing exciting ever happens in the comfort of conformity and dullness. Venture into the unknown and trust that the Universe has your back at all times. I promise you that in the moment of surrendering you are transformed through faith and grace.

You got this! ~m.a.p.

Follow Your Dreams

For as long as I can remember I have ached to live and travel to all corners of the world. I have yearned to hear stories told and shared from everywhere. I’ve wanted to touch and inhale the essence of humanity, the borders of humanness. I’ve wanted to study empathy and compassion and what moves us to be who we are. I’ve been fascinated by spiritual and philosophical issues.

Reality has stopped me. I have had many lives in five decades. I have lived splendidly in ways that could fill several lifetimes. However, the edge of civilization is still waiting. It is luring me strongly. The gypsy in me has been held captive for most of my life. And this is alright! No shame in living a magical life full of lessons and experiences because that has brought about my authentic evolution. But, as of late, something has occurred: the calling has now become a scream. There are no whispers nudging at me to go out and reach the world. It’s more like speakers in constant noise screaming full blast, “It’s time now! Do something, woman!”

How does one follow these voices and nudges that bring us to the edge of the unknown? Responsibilities come first. I have a four year old and a one year old arriving soon. I have a husband. I try to shut it off. I have done everything to stay within this world of responsibility with no regrets because I truly love this life. Yet, nothing stops the purpose that has also been yearning and pushing me to find more stories. And, they do show up through serendipitous moments. They unfold right in front of me all the time. I am always in a state of awesomeness hearing the three things the human form searches: joy, love and faith. It is still not enough right now. Maybe this is a midlife crisis. Ever since returning from Peru my soul has been deeply restless dreaming and manifesting. Perhaps this yearning is an existential one. I don’t know!

I must stand back and really take time to figure things out. I know in the core of me that I am to merge my life with the world. Even in small dosages. I am on the edge of answers. I feel them knocking in meditation. I see them evolving in dreams. Signs are all over the place and guidance is slowly showing me. I need to sketch the details, ironing out financial responsibilities against the dreams and trusting I am always being supported for me and my family.

Don’t you feel the massive changes happening as well? Don’t you feel the bursting out and metamorphosis? It’s powerful.

I am slowly figuring out how to move through this point. I don’t know how or why this is happening now. It happened several years ago as well and my life changed drastically. I do know that something is about to explode, expand, and take off from me in order to reach my soul’s yearning. It’s been slowly building up and I am paying close attention. I am no longer able to stop this excitement or craving. I am setting the Muses free without restricting myself. I always feel that when we truly sit with the feelings, rather than avoid them, we create. We must iron out the doubts and fears. Write out everything so we can see it all…and then wait for the magic to take form.

I see it. I feel it. I can taste it. I am honoring it. I might not know how it will all come together but I am holding on to the feeling of it excitement.

It Only Takes One

Many years ago I attended a Tony Robbins seminar. It was gifted to me from a dear friend. I was in the worst financial crisis of my life, at the time. Our business had gone under. My ex and I had built a home and we were depleted. Creditors demanded their money. I was under the illusion that it was the end of everything. My fear of being homeless with six children was paralyzing me. It was absolutely one of the worst periods of my life. I was in a dark hole. To make matters even more interesting I had an accident months prior that erased my memories of many events from the past. I was struggling to make sense of every decision and every choice.

I attended the weekend seminar (hesitantly). Tony has an ability to pump you up. He is all energy and I sure needed that. In the midst of all the exercises he mentioned that when he started his teachings and lectures he had decided that quantity didn’t matter. If one person showed up to his lectures then that was the one soul who needed it. I don’t remember much else except the feeling that I could do anything. That weekend catapult me into other amazing beliefs about myself.

That seminar was back in 2002. To this day I have kept that lesson close to my heart. If one person reads one of my posts or blogs then that’s the one who needs it. If one person is touched by my words then I have done my duty as a human to help another.

We are in a society that believes that our worth is determined by how many “likes” we receive. We are obsessed with numbers and the need to be accepted. And this is not who we are. I grew up in a generation that didn’t have symbols on a screen to determine our worth.

When you compliment a person on the street, or at a store, or on the phone you might just be that one soul who has really seen him/her. You might just be the lifeline that allows them not to feel invisible. You might change their world with your acknowledgement. It’s that simple.

So…keep doing what you do. Keep showing up. Keep sharing with the world. Keep striving to be light for others. Even if it’s just one person that shines a little brighter because of you…you’ve done your job in human form. It only takes one person, darling!

I love you. I see you. I feel you. I understand. You are not alone.

~m.a.p.

Redesigning Your Life

I look outside on this beautiful cool November day at the many naked trees. Leaves are falling fast. The forest is starting to look bare behind our house. In the process of it getting there I see how simple things make my life worthwhile. It is those sweet fundamental moments of being present while staring at nature that I feel grounded.

I’ve been working on redesigning my life this year. Every day!

In that state of creating I enter a place of divinity. Call it meditation, prayer, contemplation or a visit from a muse. These are the moments that make me come to the realization I am content and filled with gratitude for all that I have.

It is gratitude that creates magic.

Things such as love, family, work, resting, writing, sharing and living through this journey become my perfect reality. It is never easy to follow a dream that others cannot understand. But, if you are honest with yourself and those folks see how well you manage under the many obstacles they, too, will see the light of joy it brings in you.

You are better because of living authentically. I always say a line that makes people laugh, “I know my truth!” And, this is my truth. I am blessed I am not alone on this journey. I thank each one of you for being my beacons of light every day. Have a wonderful day! Tap into your imagination and create all that you desire!