Winter’s Night

The wind is howling outside the door,

rattling the windows,

clawing everything in its way.

My mind seems to be on the same rhythm.

Thoughts rattle in my brain

things of regrets,

others full of appreciation.

 

I cannot return to the past

as spirituality pushes forward.

Lessons learned.

Some painful.

Some delicious.

Some expanding beliefs.

Others forcing the evolution

of love and forgiveness.

 

I have nothing but the rattle

against my insides

battling Ego against Self.

 

If I run from all that I know

I will still be with me.

If I stay with all that I know

I will still be with me.

 

I am human

made of mistakes,

grace,

love,

and other little things.

 

I have some knowings

that carry me back and forth.

I have this sound of space

with just a few subjects

banging,

scratching,

twirling,

lurking,

breaking

any sense of silence inside.

 

It’s been a long while

since the storm in my head

created a tornado.

 

I breathe in hope

exhaling like the wind

with hollow sounds.

 

Until I remove the belongings,

until I can patch the holes left,

I cannot move into peace

and my heart cannot heal…

so I wait for the wind to die down,

for the swirling to stop,

and my heart to catch up

to the awareness

this too shall pass

and what’s left is just a shallow

memory of one bad night in winter.

Our lives are Google Earth

google earth

I am now figuring things out. Like, it’s taken me 48 years to learn things I swear I knew in my 20’s. I thought I knew enough math to get through life. I realized I don’t and I am so glad to have calculators and computers to compensate. I thought I knew how to heal my broken heart, but I don’t. It always catches me by surprise when I am shocked by the intensity and disappointment each time it happens. I thought I knew what it was to let things go completely…but obviously it’s still work in progress. I am learning slowly. I thought I had a great sense of direction. I really don’t. That was truly the biggest lie I told myself. I don’t know many things I believed I should have known by now. And, I am sure in 10 years I will look back and recognized I still don’t know much.

One thing that has occurred to me is that my life is like Google Earth. When I begin to focus on one thing it can be unbearable. The minute I zoom out…all the way out and I see the big picture I realize how doable this business of living really is. It’s charming. It’s magical. It’s happening every second. So what if I suck at math, or measurements. Who cares if I get lost in my own backyard and, even a compass, can’t get me squared away. I like those adventures. I find that the one thing I’ve truly learned is how I perceive things.

There are moments, in my exquisitely dorky human form, that I tend to over-focus on a situation. I burn my brain cells trying to find an answer for what shouldn’t be entertained at that moment. Then I push my little imaginary Google magnifying glass and zoom out. That gesture in zooming out is enough for me to see all the other magnificent things happening in my life. It’s then that I recognize that I can get through this particular moment. I can overcome this challenge. I can work through the issues within the scope of my knowledge.

The other day, at my cousin’s house, we watched a super intense movie called No Escape. Kept me on the edge of my seat. Every time Owen Wilson had to accomplish something that was overwhelming he said, “Ten steps. Ten more steps.” That’s definitely doable to anyone. So now, when I come to that place of “Oh my gawd, I am exhausted…I don’t want to go on.” I recite to myself, “Okay, Millie, 10 more steps.” Who can’t afford to walk 10 steps. Like come on…it’s satisfyingly easy!

When we zoom out of the chaos, when we allow ourselves to view the giant picture from elsewhere, we can take more than 10 steps. We are able to shift consciousness and accomplish anything in front of us. We remove blinders and accept what is good, disregarding what can’t be changed right now. So if you can’t leave a job, a relationship, or you have money issues, or whatever it is that’s tormented your soul, you zoom out of that. You have a home, you have health, you have this and that…and you witness the change in your acceptance.

Life is wonderful. We get to decide how we live it. Feel blessed. You DO NOT have to figure things out right now, unless it’s a life or death situation. The rest can surely wait. You got this. We got this. Together we can accomplish much!

Peaceful Quest Retreats is Closing

pqr closing

The past 5-1/2 years of our lives in Peaceful Quest Retreats have been a true university of spirit. We have learned so much about others and the purpose of our own lives. It’s been an enriching experience of heart and soul. There was never a single moment of avoiding life because we were living through the many folks who walked through our doors. Bobbie and I have been blessed to have had the opportunity to invite so many strangers into our lives.

As of January 1st of 2016, Peaceful Quest Retreats will be closed. We will not be taking any further reservations. It will no longer be a motel or retreat center. We are closing the doors to a business but not friendships. We are closing doors to one side of this venture while allowing for so many other opportunities to appear. Excitement is in the air! A sense of awesomeness is right around the corner. We welcome the chance to travel and experience life through other venues. This beautiful place has been the starting point for other paths. Each step we take carries with it gratitude, humility, and a reminder to continue loving while trusting in something higher than ourselves. The stories here have allowed us to step out of ourselves and accept what is truly important.

We have seen kindness and generosity during these past few years. Usually it has arrived from the most unexpected sources while taking the heart to another level of compassion. Thank you for partaking in our lives. Thank you for the stories, opening your hearts to us, and allowing us to become part of your lives even if for a day. This place has been magical. It has been a place for healing and growth. We wish you a wonderful new year. It’s been an honor having you stay with us. May you continue following your dreams no matter where they take you…embrace the change with child-like wonder!

Freeing Through Forgiveness

freedom

Fear paralyzes us. It holds us captive and imprisons everything we know to be true. I read somewhere that without fear there is no courage. But when you are stricken by panic and despair it’s really difficult to see bravery. I woke this morning to the sound of a world waking up. My night engulfed me with terror and nightmares. Now, listening to the birds and life I realize that other life has no hold on me any longer. I cannot understand who I was then. I cannot relate to all the acceptance of abuse. The woman I am now has no clue how I lived in that fear for so long. I just don’t know why I didn’t move forward and abandoned it. I didn’t know better. I didn’t know how. I felt the aches and pains of loneliness and responsibilities. Shame and guilt lived simultaneously drowning me to an early grave. In the middle of the night I woke in a cold sweat. I gathered my thoughts, my tears, and desperately tried to control the running of my heart. I couldn’t breathe. And softly within minutes I heard the words, “Fear not! Fear is Forgiving Everything, Acknowledging Release.”

I am who I am because of each story inside of me. Each single event led me here. I have courage, tenacity, perseverance, and a forgiving heart. The conscious mind will replay these events during sleep to clear out old hurt, make aware of new patterns, and to let go of those things we don’t always remember. Our memories store everything. I move through days without knowing what is inside of my cellular memory…until I have a horrific night and I return to a place of pain, abuse, belittling, and no self-worth.

Aha! Moments are built on these principles. Just like that I have learned to release. And, just like that I will continue to move forward. Freedom is on the other side of thoughts. I have learned to shift my perception and thoughts during waking moments. Even through nightmares I am able to understand that I cannot be hurt.

May you always find the spark of courage that turns your darkness into sunlight. You are never alone in your struggles even when your Ego tells you otherwise. I believe the Divine speaks to us through sweet whispers if we are willing to listen with an open heart. Forgive and release all! It’s never worth the weight of carrying around on your shoulders something that serves of no purpose but to belittle you even more. Have a blessed day!

Crap Happens Every Single Day

screws us

Things happen every day: the car broke down; I got to work late; I woke up feeling sick; I looked at my bank account and it’s overdrawn and I don’t know what happened; I think my husband is having an affair; etc….  There are millions of scenarios for every second of every day.  I am learning from every experience that the greatest part of happiness, suffering, joy, and all other emotions is dependent on the perception and disposition of how we relate to issues. It isn’t based on our circumstances or events or what seems to be happening when it all goes to hell in a hand basket. It is all based on how we relate to the situations. We get to choose to be stagnant or move forward.

Crap happens and it stinks big time. It happens to each one of us.  Heck, it happens to animals.  Ever watched a show on Discovery on how some animals in the jungle get to eat one day and not again for several weeks?  They can’t catch a break.  But, they don’t sit dwelling on what the hell is happening?  They keep moving forward in order to survive.  That’s all there is to it. If we allow the discomfort to set in and stay in that space then we are living on a reaction rather than shifting our perception. A bad day doesn’t mean a bad life. It’s just a bad moment. In two minutes a phone call from a friend can alter that disappointment. You don’t have to reside in the negativity.  You have choices and the conscious decision to move past the negativity is also a learned behavior.  It’s not easy at first because we’ve been programmed to live in a woe-is-me state.

There are days that have themes. Today’s theme seems to be “moving on.”  We all have twists to our stories believing that we cannot do something because of timing. This afternoon I was changing a dirty diaper when a thought appeared: What dirty diaper are you in need of changing that keeps stinking up your life? Think about that and be honest with what is stagnant and stopping you from really moving forward whether it’s materialistic, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. The moment you stop waiting on someone else to come change you, you will be free. What’s stinking your life that needs major changes? It’s all a matter of how present and honest we are with our stories.  It takes the courage to get past the idea that we have control of our lives.

There is a point in your journey that you must truly take accountability for who you are. What will it take to remove the stink out of your life or will you continue to sit with it and pretend it’s not there? I don’t know about you, but unlike the elephant in the room, a dirty diaper can’t be ignored for too long…!