The Things That Make Me

“Sometimes when I talk I don’t say anything and when I listen I only hear sounds. I used to be embarrassed about this but I know now that these are the quirks that make me.  At times I let go of love so it can find its way back and I marble at its return as if the spell of the world is broken and I can reach out while my heart expands wider. There are so many times I smile without a single reason making me look a little strange to those around me. Often times I can smell rain before it arrives and I am stopped with such surprise at how the earth is connected to me. Whenever I laugh, God holds my heart, especially when I am hiking alone and each tree, branch, blade of grass suspends me in mysticism.  Sometimes the best cup of coffee is the one shared with a friend and at other times a glass of wine with a friend solves the world’s problems.  There are many moments that I witness Divinity when looking into a stranger’s eyes and at other times a kind word from a stranger becomes a mood enhancer that leaves imprints of stories untold. I am forever grateful for those moments of sharing with someone who doesn’t know my history or judges me for past mistakes.  Sometimes holding someone’s hand is all that matters, wiping tears is an honor, and just being in silence with them is priceless because being present is an invaluable gift.  Every day my children teach me the art of being human, how to fall and strive for better, and how to love unconditionally regardless of how much I mess up.  Compassion and joy are underrated these days.  I want to always show the lighter side of heaven through my laughter than the darker side of hell through a scorn.  There have been times that lovers have left little parts of themselves in my soul forever and I am grateful for those pieces that mold and hold me as part of the present life.  I love how my mate can touch my hand and nothing else around me matters.  His whisper can trigger a smile or a tear and I am lost in a world of intimacy for a while where nothing or no one can reach me but him.  Sometimes the filtering system in my mouth is malfunctioning and I say things that do not come from me.  It’s not really an excuse.  It’s the way things are when spirit moves through me to leave a message for another.  Sometimes when I stare at the night sky I wish I could fly and then I am reminded that whenever I meditate I can feel God cradling my body in the heavens and when I pray I can feel His touch in my hands.  Many nights when I dream I travel to amazing places from the past and the future.  Sometimes all I need is a pair of warm socks to change a sour mood; the smell of a sweet candle to remind me of another life; and a great book to take me on an incredible journey.  At times my thoughts get lost in translation and I dislike when someone tries to correct them.  There are times I talk to rocks gathering them in my hands and they answer with loving gratitude for being held so close to my heart.  I ask permission to take the ones that look like hearts and place them in jar to always recall that love is solid and strong. I take long rides through new places to see if I get lost so I can find myself somewhere in the middle of what I am searching.  Sometimes I just have to scratch my head and admit I know nothing realizing how difficult we make this living thing called Life.   There are rare times that I cry because I am being touched in spirit and letting go is the only answer.  Sometimes when I meet a special soul I want to dive into their heart forever because it only takes a second to realize how precious life really is, and how we are all connected to one another… always.  And, sometimes, in rare occasions when I close my eyes I can see the world inside of me loving and expanding through the center of the universe in Oneness.  It is then that I know you and I are one…forever.”

Getting Lost

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This morning on the way back from visiting a community college, my daughter and I got lost in the back roads.  She doesn’t do well with adventures, especially after stressing over college paperwork.  I, on the other hand, while the grandbaby slept peacefully in her car seat, dove into the possibilities of finding a new place, exploring my surroundings, and prayed I didn’t run out of gas.  I get lost often.  Things get lost.  Words get lost.  People get lost.  Life can become a lost playground if we aren’t present for the most part.  Each day gets lost into night and so on.  The hardest part of “lost” is never truly expressing it to someone.  When a relationship is over (regardless if it’s of lovers, parents, children, or friends) there is a lapse of time that can mend and then there isn’t.  Waiting for the perfect opportunity is like waiting for a unicorn to swift us away.  It only happens in the mind.

I used to have an amazing sense of direction.  I don’t anymore.  I go into a new trail, a mountain hike, and if I am not consciously present I will find myself in the middle of unchartered territory. Just like this morning, it happens often.  I rarely question the wrong turn.  I somehow know that I will get through the moment.  My daughter said, “Mom, do you know where you are going? (Several times with much expressed anxiety). And, I answered, “Nope…but all roads lead somewhere!” Not an answer that securely assures a fearful person. Complete exasperation came from the passenger side.  What I have found is that in those lost moments I get the chance to enter a new direction.  Beauty unfolds because I am not on track.  Getting lost is never a waste of time in this sense.  The unknown unfolds and opportunities arise in the most awed-stricken ways.  It’s magical and mysterious.  What an amazing ride!

Sometimes losing someone is just like that…you don’t know how amazing they are until you are in a different terrain.  We take people for granted.  We, as divine entities, have those awakening moments of appreciation but the human part of us clouds them.  We don’t know our asses from our heads at times.  My best friend, Bobbie, has a saying, “Get your head out of your ass.  It wasn’t meant to be worn as a hat.”  Getting lost in the world is magical.  Getting lost in our own turmoil, chaos and mind is a dangerous place.  We are our worst enemies.

I have a way of learning.  I need space, nature and time.  I need to be outside and roam endlessly in the freedom of the world.  This is why I love traveling.  I have on a bucket list the places I will visit and explore in order to find me.  With each journey I know something will open up.  Getting lost is not scary (not in my absent-minded little head).  I am not daunted by this and have never been.  I am, however, intimidated by the loss of people who I love and mean the world to me.  I am perplexed at the way folks come into my life and quickly manage to leave without clearing up issues.  This type of loss from humanity aches inside in a way I avoid…but can’t escape.  We all go through it.

An hour later, and many mountain back roads, we found the way home.  Now hungry and aggravated, my 18 year old laughs.  She said, “I wasn’t really worried!  I was just concerned that we would run out of gas or wouldn’t find a place to eat.” (As if we were on an isolated island with Tom Hanks and Wilson).   I know she thinks that I am an airy-fairy hippie.  I get lost in our conversations, laughter, and love.  She knows this part of me well enough to feel that I can get us back on track while singing (horribly) to the great radio tunes.  It was a gorgeous morning.  The haze over the Blue Ridge Mountains was astonishing and seductive.  I kept saying that “as long as I follow the mountains I know we can make it home.”  And, just like that I found home to be right there in the car surrounded by two beautiful souls, bemused by my yearning to be an explorer.  Getting lost never felt so great!